5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty One Through One Thousand Four Hundred

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty One

As far as Karl was concerned all panties were edible- some just needed more chewing than others.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty Two

The Mage, Warrior and Thief entered the tavern- it was ladies night and they were looking to score.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty Three

He realized that stealing and smashing open piggy banks was a bad habit but it was too late for change.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty Four

Magwier knew that shouting "Oh snap!" after reading one of the Psalms aloud created more metaphysical questions than it answered.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty Five

The Local Heroes were ecstatic to learn that Amazing Ed had gotten a real costume- then horrified to discover it had nipples.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty Six

The calls were monitored for quality assurance- no one knew who was listening. Just that co-workers would occasionally disappear.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty Seven

Abner Deggent had seen war and torture and been unmoved, which was why fainting at his nephew's bris was so embarrassing.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty Eight

The strange barbarians spent so much time working out and oiling their bodies that they rarely had time to rape or pillage.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty Nine

Abner Deggent wasn't the sort of man to hit a woman- not when a choke hold was so much more effective.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty

People had been saying things were worse than Hitler for so long that when Hitler did come back no one knew what to say.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty One

Using the dark arts they summoned a pan-dimensional being from outside time; but even it couldn't explain the LOST season finale.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty Two

The Local Heroes crossed paths with The Brotherhood of Evil Janitors and things got really messy.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty Three

From then on he always prefaced "I could eat a horse." with "I'm so hungry" and he was never accused of bestiality again.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty Four

Judy liked going down on her boyfriend but she refused to swallow, she didn't think vegans were technically allowed to.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty Five

Lady Cruella preferred to use soap on a rope so she could have self-cleaning submissives.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty Six

No one in the mansion suspected that every night Catherwood the butler was secretly farting into their hats.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty Seven

It was a great poker game but he'd consumed far too much coffee. The question was should he stay or should he go?

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty Eight

She wanted fame but they rejected her novel, her demo tapes and her every audition; when they rejected her sex tape she gave up.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixty Nine

She had been in a twenty-year relationship but then tragically LAW & ORDER was canceled.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy

He stole coffee and sugar successfully but they caught him creaming in his jeans.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy One

Outraged mimes took to the streets of River City; it literally was a quiet riot.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy Two

Abner Deggent bragged he could deal with those pornographers with one arm tied behind his back.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy Three

By now Lorelei was so jaded that when the monster appeared her first thought was that now her term paper was going to be late.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy Four

Commander Infinity was the most powerful superhero on Earth but he had one weakness- asphalt.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy Five

She had studied Ancient Egyptian erotica for years and it was always about the mummy shot.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy Six

He said zombies were a metaphor for the plight of the underclass, that didn't save him from the undead feasting on his testicles.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy Seven

The Mathmagician user her powers to divide up the most of the villains but someone else would have to deal with the remainder.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy Eight

At long last Magwier had possession of the legendary and mystical Maker of Moons- he was surprised to find it had a hand crank.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventy Nine

Captain Hero underestimated the abilities of evil chef Julia Infant and she beat the stuffing out of him. “Good gravy!” he gasped.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty

Throughout the 1950's Abner Deggent protected America's interests from Communist spies, mad scientists and cannibal beatniks.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty One

The invisible alien predator didn't realize how squeaky his shoes were until it was far too late.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Two

It may be common knowledge that Mars needs woman but no one wants to think about what Uranus needs

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Three

Sure she could get up off the couch and change the channel but the chances were remote.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Four

She had a terrible singing voice but her ability to combine karaoke and oral sex left her with a captive audience every night.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Five

Poseidon Lord of the Seven Seas showed up at BP's offices- he wanted to teach them a new meaning for the term 'Top Kill'.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Six

Once Boogie Fever caused him to lose control of his bowels he really had the Funk.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Seven

During the Night Of The Lisping Dead you couldn't escape the groans of “Brainth... brainth...”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Eight

Someone was killing private investigators by soaking their groins in boiling water. It was a case of hardboiled dicks.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Nine

Costumed avenger the Maven was in a philosophical mood when she said, “It was the best of crimes, it was the worst of crimes.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety

She realized that no only was her life going to Hell in a handbasket but the handbasket in question clashed with her dress.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety One

No one in the Society for Universal Knowledge Systems realized what their initials were until it was too late.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety Two

An obscure legend states that Guinevere fought alongside the Knights of the Round Table- it is called 'The Chick is in the Mail.'

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety Three

Once Lorelei learned the art of magic she realized there were fainting spells and then there were fainting spells.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety Four

He didn't know much about art but he did know he loved rubbing up against bronze statues of gladiators when no one was looking.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety Five

No one suspected that the creator of Mad Libs loved to (VERB) the (NOUN) into a (ADJECTIVE) (NOUN) while a (NOUN) (VERB)ed.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety Six

The androids came from a time when everything in the world was pinkish purple so they were kind of cyborgs from the fuchsia.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety Seven

For years Earth dealt with regular invasions from the bird people of Zetar-7 until finally someone negotiated tweety.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety Eight

When Viking superhero Hrothgar talked wistfully about missing his old battle ax no one realized he meant his wife.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ninety Nine

As far as Captain Hero was concerned archery-based super heroes were only cool until someone lost an eye

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred

It was a pretty disgusting experience but now she knew that a sandbox and a neighborhood full of stray cats didn't mix.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred And One Through One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and One

People gained super powers from crazy accidents all the time but this was the first time it had happened with a nose hair trimmer.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Two

Juan had a serious crush on the immigration officer but her southern border stayed secure.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Three

The statues made of dried monkey snot were surprisingly popular, soon stores were ordering them by the gross.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Four

As he sat there he was sure he felt his testicles beginning drop but it was just the toilet beginning to overflow.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Five

It was a nice idea to host a cotillion for the local prostitutes but they really shouldn't have called it a hoedown.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Six

They created volume one of the 'Mastectomies Gone Wild' video but it turned out to just be a one off.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seven

He said the best thing about Tumblr was that it was all the filth of the old USENET groups with none of the waiting for downloads.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eight

He had the cleanest bathroom on the barracks but he tried not to let it go to his head.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Nine

He was the toughest, meanest florist in the Old West.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ten

She spent all her time telling people why they were going to burn in Hell, the other souls in Heaven got tired of it real fast.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eleven

He only glimpsed a few moments of the All Lunch Lady sex tape but he could never eat chipped beef again.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twelve

Say what you want about zombie surgeons but they always leave a clean operation room behind.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirteen

Oil spills, terrorism, and the rise of Justin Bieber left Dr. Overlord wondering if taking over the world was worth the effort.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fourteen

“Celebrity deaths come in threes, ordinary deaths come in the hundred thousands."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifteen

They caught her working nude in the photo lab and charged her with indecent exposure.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixteen

They were a race of shapeshifters that could take the form of trousers and slacks, but no one cared much about the Pantsformers.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventeen

Thanks to his long years working in a call center he was known to shout ‘Please Hold!” while making love.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighteen

The cobra venom left Abner Deggent with blurry eyesight, the drag queens that rescued him left him excited and confused.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Nineteen

The explosion drove a CD four inches into Brett's skull, but this wasn't the first time he'd gotten a song stuck in his head.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty

It there was one thing life has taught him it was some days you're the hillbilly and some days you're Ned Beatty.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty One

Amoeba-Man and ShadoMask were too late. The Society of Evil Princesses left carnage and girlish giggles in their wake.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty Two

He hated it when his wife brought her work home with her, she was a beekeeper.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty Three

If not for the clumsy EMT he would have died; because the clumsy EMT dropped the defibrillator on his crotch he wasn't grateful.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty Four

He went back in time to keep himself from getting his girlfriend pregnant, she went back in time to stop him- then it got kinky.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty Five

He called his router 'Waitress' because he wanted to use it as a server.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty Six

During the war she passed counterfeit bank notes created during the quiet of a ceasefire and checks forged in the heat of battle.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty Seven

The failed Michael Jackson impersonator stole an electrolysis machine, now he truly was a smooth criminal.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty Eight

Every day she became more certain that she was being watched, then someone explained how to turn off the webcam on her laptop.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Twenty Nine

The giant cyborg known as the Yachtoid could turn into a schooner but was destroyed when someone shot him in his porthole.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty

"This isn't a call center!" he cried, "This is LORD OF THE FLIES with headsets!"

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty One

World Wrestling Entertainment created a greeting card line. The advertisements said- "When you care enough to send sweaty men."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Two

They don't let just anyone join the International Society of Nearsighted Pornographers, you have to have the right contacts.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Three

"Nobody cares when a new super heroine fights crime wearing tiny shorts," Amazing Ed stated,"but if I do it everyone gets upset."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Four

The question remained, if a plane full of zombies crashed on the American-Canadian border where would they bury the survivors?

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Five

The spy division made one of her breasts implants into a fully automated camera, or as they called it- a photographic mammary.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Six

Supervillain Chef Julia Infant hated it when her pastry-based minions were called Doughnut Men she preferred People of Cruller.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Seven

To Lorelei the best part of magic was learning the secrets of the cosmos and using that knowledge to beat the crap out of someone.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Eight

Abner Deggent grinned as the native girls undressed him, he had misheard when they said they were there to baste him.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Nine

After twenty-five years of marriage the only thing that upset her more than her husband was the thought of living without him.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty

Azathoth the lord of chaos pulsed to the sound of idiot piping, yet it found the sound of the vuvuzela pretty fucking annoying.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty One

They are out of bread in the Wastelands but there is still plenty of ale; I will show you beer and a handful of crust.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Two

Professor Lindquist spent a year running tests on sleeping fish only to discover that a dream is a wish your carp makes.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Three

Abner Deggent tried to smuggle the stolen idol off the island by hiding it in his ass but the damn mule kicked the crap out of him.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Four

The Maven deduced Limerick Master's true identity! He really was a young man from Nantucket! But the rest was all lies.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Five

Lorelei was ready to face her evil twin from an alternate universe, she was not ready for the woman's ceaseless accordion playing.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Six

He was very excited at the prospect of wife-swapping but then he found out he had to take his old wife back when it was over.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Seven

He quit his job by setting his pants on fire, he was always one for burning his britches.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Eight

Pricing Paradox Protection kept people from buying time machines and using them to see time machines would go on sale.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Nine

Judy would have been better at witchcraft but she was a terrible cook.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty

Many suggested it about time that Mighty Woman updated her armored costume but she was very attached to it, welded into it actually.