Saturday, April 16, 2011

Something for the newbies 47 YEARS OF DOCTOR WHO IN 6 MINUTES!

THE DAILY WHAT presents the greatest resume of ALL TIME!

Friday, April 15, 2011

TELEPORT CITY reviews the Hell out of TROLL HUNTER!

Troll Hunter is not a perfect film, but it’s a very entertaining film. It rises above the “point of view” nature of the filming, thanks in part to the fact that much of it is a satire of the style — albeit an extremely dry, straight-faced satire, which is the best way to go about such things. If you have to draw attention to the fact that you’re being satirical via the use of overt winks at the camera, you have failed as a satirist. Apart from that, though, it also succeeds because, for once, the film student “found footage” that comprises the movie looks like it was shot by actual film students — you know, people who are trying to set up and properly frame a shot while holding the camera steady, instead of every single frame looking like it was filmed with the camera strapped to one of those vibrating machines that was supposed to help fat people in the 1970s jiggle off their weight. There’s still more of the “flail the camera wildly as we all run in terror” shots than I’d like, but there are a lot less than usual, so I guess that’s something...


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Turn Around Bright Eyes...

I love this song and I love Tori Amos...


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(Recommended Reads) "The Magician" by Zachary Tringali

Alexander Hedges was a man of particular and discerning taste. He went to the same barber every other week, to the same restaurant on the weekends. He ordered the same food, and if it came out cooked poorly, Alexander was not a timid man. He would call the waiter aside and in no small terms illustrate to him what had gone wrong, and how he supposed it should be fixed.

With him, Alexander took things that he held dear to him. The same black leather gloves he’d carried since he’d gotten them on his thirtieth birthday, twenty years ago; his stingy brim bowler, grey; and most importantly his friend and companion, known only and famously as Smits...


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Well, doesn't that just take the cake?

(Recommended Reads) "A Nightmare of a Dream" by brainhaze

It had started out as just a wish. How was she supposed to know he would overhear it and make it into a nightmarish reality?

“What do you mean you’ve booked it all?” she said worriedly.

“Its booked!” he exclaimed, a smile on his face and an excited look in his eyes.

“But, well I thought. I’m not sure what I thought,” she said trying her hardest to not ruin his happiness.

“I overheard you talking to Ellie on the phone. You said you wanted the big white wedding. A church; a princess dress; a limousine or even a horse and cart. The day of your dreams you said. So, I’ve made it happen, now there’s not many blokes that would do that!” he beamed...

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(Recommended Reads) "I Thought I Knew Him" by Icy Sedgwick

I’m sure I know the guy opposite me on the train. Only problem is, I can't remember how or why.

I pretend to read my book, but I sneak a look over the top of the pages. He has straight hair the colour of wet sand – straight except for the random kink just behind his right ear. He looks to be in his late twenties, but the cluster of spots around his mouth make him look like a gawky teenager. He fiddles with his phone, sliding his finger across the screen with merry abandon...

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5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Two

It was a convention of the world's greatest allergy sufferers- the phlegm de la phlegm.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty One

Amazing Ed was on patrol! His resolve was steely! His muscles were honed! His fly was open...

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty

Just as the fruit stand vendor was about to leave the young Bob Dylan shouted “Hey Mr. Tangerine man!”

I found this image on ACROBATIC FLEA's blog to be hysterically funny.


And be sure to stop by HEROPRESS


And also...


Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions): Going Out, Going In

The Nick of Time (and other abrasions)

Going Out, Going In
Al Bruno III

Are you going out?” the dark haired girl asked. Her name was Audra and she was wearing baggy sweatpants and an even baggier t-shirt. There were six playing cards in her right hand and she kept them close to the surface of the table. She eyed her opponents with suspicion, “You can't be going out already.”
“You'll know when I'm going out,” her roommate Judy replied. Her hair was long and yellow, her nightie was equal parts frills and solicitation. She had her cards casually fanned out and clasped to her bosom. She nudged the young man in black sitting next to her, “Your turn.”
Isaac drew another card and sighed with resignation.
The Hammond Academy strove to keep the male and female Apprentices apart in an effort to curb the tide of sexually transmitted diseases, binge drinking and assassination attempts that came with every fall semester. Despite this Isaac Yoder snuck into the girl's dormitories every Thursday after dinner, because Thursday night was canasta night.
Judy set down a group of matching cards and cackled victoriously, “You’re not so tough at this game when Lorelei isn’t there to help you. What do you think of them apples Amish boy?”
Isaac didn’t react but Audra became annoyed on his behalf, “He’s not Amish- he’s a Mennonite.”
“Big diff.”
“You only bust his chops because he’s taken a vow of silence,” Audra took another card and grinned, “finally!”
“Going out?”
“Wait and see.”
The three girls that lived in room 413- Audra DiMico, Lorelei Miller and Judy Bauer- were Isaac's only friends, the only students willing to look past the fact that once he completed his lessons he would use them to hunt and kill wielders of magic and creatures of mystery. They didn’t care that he still had years until graduation.
“Speaking of Old Leather lungs...” Judy thinned a few more cards from her hand before she went on, “...where is Lorelei off to this time?”
“You think she tells me anything?” Audra commented, “I’m just her best friend.”
A pair of electric lamps filled the room with pale sickly light, the card players were huddled around a three-legged folding table. The room had only one window and that was square-shaped and barred, it’s frosted glass made a smear of the night sky. Isaac studied his cards, occasionally stealing a glance at Judy. Over the last few months he had become an expert at stealing glances at her. The trick was never to look for too long and never to glance at everything. Sometimes he would taken in the curve of her chin, at other times the color of her hair, sometimes it was they way the skin of her legs would rise up in gooseflesh when she had a winning hand. Alone in his room he would add those glimpses together, assembling them like the pieces of a puzzle until he had an image of her in his mind.
In those half-dreams he would speak to her in a voice he barely remembered.
Judy smirked, “Is she off on another adventure with her stalker?”
“His name is Magwier,” Audra laid another handful of cards down.
“He’s her crazy stalker,” Judy said, “and she’s crazy for sleeping with him.”
Audra frowned, “He’s not a stalker, he just follows her around everywhere.”
There was a loud knock on the door. The two girls looked up in alarm but Isaac was already heading into the bathroom. With the door closed behind him he pressed his ear to the wood.
“Oh,” he heard Judy through the door, “why hello Dean Beardsley. What brings you here at this hour?”
Isaac was still holding the cards from his last hand; someday he would be forbidden to play games of chance, but he had years until graduation. He pocketed the minor suits and red queen.
“A message came through via the telegraph,” Beardsley’s voice was thick and wet, “we have spoken to you girls about this. The telegraph is for administrator use only.”
“I’m sorry sir,” Audra said, “it won’t happen again.”
“Indeed,” the Dean said. A moment later Isaac heard the door close and Judy gave the all clear.
There was scrap of paper in Audra’s hand, it was a chaos of dots and dashes but it wasn’t Morse code. It was something the girls in room 413 had worked out for themselves.
“Well, what is it?” Judy asked.
“It’s Lorelei and Magwier. They need my help, they’re sending me on a mission,” Audra preened at the word mission.
Judy frowned, “You don’t have to help them.”
“I want to. They need to me go to Route d'Abbaye.”
“Fine then,” Judy put her arm through Isaac’s, “they we go with you.”
The dark haired girl became a flurry of activity, she was changing her clothes oblivious to the boy in her room, “She said you have to stay here.”
“Screw what she says.”
Audra pocketed her Mojo bag and shook her head, “You don’t understand. Someone is killing members of the Lunt family.”
Gooseflesh ran down Judy’s legs, “I’m not a Lunt.”
“Your stepmother is.” Audra called as she was halfway out the door, “Watch after her Isaac.”
He nodded as Audra slammed the door behind her. Judy threw her cards down in disgust. Isaac saw an ace of spades and another red queen. Judy still had her arm around his, she smiled slyly, “Well what are we going to do now?”
Even if he could have spoken Isaac would have known better than to waste words on a moment like this. He kissed her and undressed her with familiar ease. He gave himself over to the sweet weaknesses of the flesh.
Someday he would have to kill Judy Bauer and all of her kind. He had sworn an oath not to suffer a witch to live but not now, not yet, he still had years until graduation.

You will soon be able to purchase a cover version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by WILLIAM SHATNER

From topless robot

Space Trucking originally by Deep Purple - Deep Purple drummer Ian Paice has performed the drum part. Johnny Winter is on guest guitar.


She Blinded Me With Science originally by Thomas Dolby - Bootsy Collins is on as the guest bassist. Patrick Moraz (ex Yes and Moody Blues) is guesting on keyboards/synth.

In a Little While originally by U2 - Manuel Gottsching from Ash Ra Tempel has added guitar.

Empty Glass originally by The Tea Party - Michael Schenker (UFO/Scorpions) has added guest guitar.

Lost in the Stars as done by Frank Sinatra - Jazz legend Ernie Watts is on guest saxophone.

Twilight Zone originally by Golden Earring - Warren Haynes (Gov't Mule/Allman Brothers) is on guest guitar.

Space Cowboy originally by Steve Miller - Country artist Brad Paisley has added guitar and vocals.

Rocket Man originally by Elton John - Guitarist Steve Hillage (ex Gong member and current member of techno rock duo System 7) has added guest guitar

Space Oddity originally by David Bowie - Ritchie Blackmore (ex-Deep Purple) has added guest guitar. Alan Parsons is adding guest keyboards.

Spirit in the Sky originally by Norman Greenbaum - Peter Frampton has played guitar on this track.

Bohemian Rhapsody originally by Queen - John Wetton from Asia has played bass and done a vocal.

Silver Machine originally by Hawkwind - Wayne Kramer from the MC5 is adding guitar and Carmine Appice (Vanilla Fudge/Rod Stewart) is adding a guest drum part.

Major Tom originally by Peter Shilling - Nick Valensi, the guitarist from the Strokes has added guest guitar to this this track. Also Zakk Wylde (ozzy osbourn, black label society) and Mike Inez (Alice In Chains)have contributed to this track.

Learning to Fly originally by Pink Floyd - Edgar Froese from Tangerine Dream has played guitar and keyboards on this track.

Mr. Spaceman originally by The Byrds - Dave Davies from the Kinks has added guest guitar on this track.

Iron Man originally by Black Sabbath - Zakk Wylde (ex Ozzy guitarist) played guitar and did a vocal on this track.

Planet Earth originally by Duran Duran - Steve Howe, guitarist with Yes, played guitar on this track.

Walking on the Moon originally by The Police - Toots of Toots & the Maytals has added a guest vocal.

Mrs. Major Tom - female singer to add a track -To be announced.


And in honor of this...


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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

More DOCTOR WHO teasers...

CHAD'S ORACLES chapter ten


Chad’s Oracles

Chapter Ten


The taste that reached her mouth was a foul reminder of the water in the basement. Thelma tried to swallow the dark, gruel-like fluid but her tongue and throat rebelled. She turned on her side, starting to retch. One of the Squonks put a thick hand on her back, patting her like a colicky child. “I’m sorry.” She gasped, “I didn’t…”

“That’s all right. You got enough.”

“I did?”


“When does it –”

A trill of pleasure worked its way up her spine and settled somewhere behind her eyes. She kept shaking her head, trying to focus but her vision was darting everywhere, slipping in and out of focus.

“What is it?” Chad retrieved a ratty spiral bound notebook from behind the radiator, “Tell me everything.”

“It’s like I’m a ghost but I’m alive. The corners of the room, I can look through them to other places but everything looks melted.”

“You’re looking too closely. Try to pull back.”

“I don’t…” Thelma smiled, “Wait. I see him. I can see him.”

“Your father?”

“He’s in a cruddy looking restaurant. He’s skinnier than he is now. His hair is different. There’s more gray.”

Chad leaned forward, “How long from now is this?”

Thelma tried to concentrate but each moment was like a handful of photographs thrown into the wind, “He’s talking to a man I’ve never seen before. He’s passing him an envelope full of money …why is he doing that?”

“Can you hear what they’re saying?”

“It’s not right… there’s this voice. It’s like a whisper but it’s so loud,” Something was pulling her away from the scene; her last glimpse was of black ink and newsprint. She gasped with wonder.

“What is it?”

“There’s a newspaper,” she licked her lips, “I can’t see the date but there’s a war.”

“What else?” Chad said, “Close your eyes. It helps.”

Thelma hadn’t even known her eyes were open. She blinked experimentally, “The newspaper says Desert… Desert Storm?”

“That’s perfect,” Chad was scribbling furiously in his notebook, “perfect.”

The euphoria was fading already, replaced by an ache that seemed to seep right into her bones, “There’s a place nearby. It used to be a factory but no one goes there anymore. It’s poisoned. Something dreams there and its dreams are pulling at the edges of the world,” Thelma laughed a little at that. These weren’t her words were they? “I can hear the whispering there, it’s louder.”

When she heard the voice clearly the convulsions started, it was as though the spark that had settled into her bones had burst into flames. Pain radiated along her body with every breath.

…Flesh and matter lose all meaning; reality peels away and becomes translucent…

She babbled and choked, her limbs clawing and kicking until strong arms took hold and held them down. One arm slipped free and she struck mindlessly at the Squonk trying to catch it again. She was sure she was going to die.


Thelma awoke with a start, in the moment before consciousness settled in around her she almost convinced herself it had all been a dream; that she was still in her bed with the covers pulled up tight. Then she saw the Oracles sitting across the room from her, playing cards and drinking sodas. The radio was playing a song by Cheap Trick and Sara was humming along. Thelma sat up. She was in a sleeping bag dressed only in an oversized man’s shirt and a pair of socks.

“Hey.” The Oracle with broken glasses flashed a crooked smile.

“Good morning… uh…” Thelma stretched.

“I’m Jackie.”

“Oh sorry,” Thelma stood using an arm on the wall to steady herself.

“That’s all right. How are you feeling?”

“Hungry. How long was I asleep for?”

“Two days.”

“What?” Her first thought was of her mother. What must the poor woman be going through? “Oh my God.”

“You went pretty deep for the first time.” Bonita looked up from her cards, “Nine… ten years wasn’t it?”

“How should I know?”

“We’ve all seen it, well different parts of it. The war is the first real phase of the Occupation,” Bonita watched her face for a reaction, “it’s not as bad as you think. It’s almost bloodless at first.”

Sara asked, “Is your Daddy going to be ok?”

“Hey,” Annie said, “I can totally see your cards.”

“Oh? Oh!” Sara fanned her cards against her chest, “But your Daddy… How is he?”

Thelma looked out to the window; it was a bright blue day with the sun hanging low in the sky. What the Hell time is it? She wondered, Three o’clock? Two?

“He was…” Thelma began, “He will be all right. He was going out to lunch or something. He was skinnier and all gray.”

“That’s great.”

“I should go,” Thelma said, “I’m going to be in so much trouble.”

Annie asked, “You want something to eat first? We have some raw hamburger, some Twinkies and bread and butter.”

Bonita nodded sadly, “We totally have to go shopping.”

“Where are my pants?” Thelma looked around the room.

“You should really eat something first.”

“No. I really should get home. My Mom must be…” Thelma looked out into the hallway, the lanterns were cool. She spied her clothes in the bathroom draped over the shower curtain rod. She headed for them, cursing under her breath. Had this been worth it? She didn’t feel any wiser, if anything she felt like she had been made a fool of again. It seemed like all the members of Chad’s strange little crew hung their clothes to dry here. She didn’t like to think about what they had been washing them in. There was no sign of her panties so Thelma just grabbed her jeans and started hopping into them.

Sara piped up, “Your Mom was on the radio.”

Still shimmying back into her jeans Thelma bolted back into the Oracles room, “The radio?”

“Well, you are missing. They were interviewing her.”

“Oh no,” Thelma didn’t know if she should feel horror or humiliation so she settled for both. She had been planning to see if she could dig up her shoes but she couldn’t be bothered anymore. She would ride her bicycle home frantic and barefoot.

Would she find her mother there? Or would she be at the hospital, waiting for some new disaster to strike her? Thelma ran down the steps two at a time and bounded out the front door. The pebbles in the driveway bit at her feet.

Chad was waiting for her, “Where are you off to in such a rush?”

“You damn well know… Where’s my bike?”

“Around back,” he pointed vaguely.

She glanced to the unkempt back yard where the Squonks labored near the black pickup truck. The trees were tall and there were no neighbors nearby but she had to wonder what someone looking out from their backyard might think if they saw they had monsters next door. “The police are looking for me.”

“They sure are,” Chad said, “where are your shoes?”

“I have to get home,” she started walking for the back of the house. Bits and pieces of her experience with the Eagoryl were swirling through her mind. The seizure haunted her especially but she had learned one very important thing. Imposing as Chad’s Squonks might be, they couldn’t take a punch.

“You are home,” he jogged to keep pace with her, “you were baptized, you took communion.”

“I got what I wanted. I hope you did too.” The grass in the back yard was knee length, the soil was cool beneath her feet, the air was rank with the odor of pollen and the Squonks’ sweat. Could this all really be an illusion that could be easily stripped away? Was the future really something you could skip ahead to like the good parts in a book or movie?

Chad got in front of her, stopping her progress, “You can’t walk away now.”

“I’m done with this.” She said, “And I’m done with you.”

“Don’t you want to know more about what you saw? About what it means?”

“I need to get back to my Mom.”

“Do you know why your father is all right?”

“Good doctors? Let me pass.”

Chad put his open hand against her shoulder, “Just hear me out.”

Thelma crossed her arms, “Fine.”

“There are scientists who study the universe on a subatomic level. They believe that by observing the universe they in some small way affect it. That’s no different than what we’re doing here. We stare into the Ruins of Creation and our will is done.”

“You are so fucked up.” Thelma snorted with disgust, “Get out of my way,” She shoved past him, her gaze searching everywhere for her bike. She saw it half disassembled, the parts spread across the back porch; the Squonks were carefully examining each part, almost cooing with excitement. “What are they doing?”

“I’m sorry. I can’t let you go.” Chad was behind her, his carving knife dimpling the skin of her back, “Not when you saw nine years ahead on your first try. Nine years!”

Thelma started to scream but the Squonks were on her, covering her mouth and lifting her up off the ground.

Click Here To Continue

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Thirty Nine

Gary awoke to discover the mad scientist had grafted his penis to his forhead. Gary thought that it was a real dick move.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Thirty Eight

After his 3rd night of celebacy he decended into the kind of frenzied stroking you only saw when meth-heads visited a petting zoo.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Thirty Seven

As the first roller coaster to simulate a divorce it would flip its riders upside-down and shake all the change from their pockets.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Thirty Six

Redneck Cyborg Rusty Johnson indulged himself with an expensive coffee and then regretted it. It always left him feeling wired.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Thirty Five

“Frustration over finding macbook parts was no exceuse for demanding the pretty clerk at the Apple store give him a little screw.”