Saturday, August 28, 2010
A KAZAKH man cut off his penis at Madrid's Barajas airport to avoid being extradited home and was taken to hospital in a serious condition, Spanish media reported today.
The 52-year-old man had finished serving a five-year prison sentence in Spain for a violent crime and was due to be extradited back to Kazakhstan overnight Monday.
Despite being escorted by several police officers, the man was able to slip a knife out of his clothing and sever his penis...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Only the most die hard music historians remember the album 'Disco Lullabies' by Donna Slumber.
Like most guys he lost his virginity in college but since he went to a clown college it was a really weird experience.
He wanted a lover with a slow hand, which was why getting felt up by zombies was such a thrill.
It turned out the thing Dave was really allergic to was allergy medicine.
The course promised to improve her memory with 5 easy lessons but she kept forgetting to show up.
It was bad enough he had shut his hand in the door to his time machine but now he had 800 year old fingers to deal with.
The super hero Dismembro could literally pull his body apart piece by piece- it always gave him a leg up on the villains.
The aliens tried to conquer the Earth with an army of Nazis. It was Plan Nein From Outer Space.
The only way to make a starship move faster than the speed of light was to fill it with perverts. The more warped the better.
There had been great hopes for the world's first nation of Drag Queens but it soon turned into a rouge state.
Kathleen is my opposite in looks and temperament. I have dark hair and mahogany eyes. Kathleen’s Irish eyes are cerulean and she was born a redhead.
“A true redhead,” she would tell new friends, “all you have to do is look at my…”
Then the Maven realized that instead of her own utility belt she was wearing Amazing Ed's Big Bandolier Of Cheese.
I sit across the table sweating bullets as the undead man shambles across the room to take a seat. I’m trying to keep my distance from him over the table because he reeks. Bad. Really bad. It is a hot day here and no amount of deodorant or vapor rub is going to block this stench. I almost asked the inevitable ‘What died in here?’ question, but looking at my companion for the day I realized that might be a bad idea...
The protesters felt building the William Shatner Museum so close to a movie theater was insensitive to the victims of STAR TREK V.
The girl on the makeshift operating table stares up at me, pleading, her eyes bulging partly through fear and partly because she is trying to scream through a mouthful of gauze. The muffled sound that escapes her is not even loud enough to be heard over the other voices. After I kill her, her voice will join them and I will hear her loud and clear, along with all the others...
He was a starship officer from and ice planet, he never gained high rank but soon everyone knew the story of Frosty the Yeoman.
Anthony Venutolo of the sublime and jazzy blog BUKOWSKI'S BASEMENT has honored me with the Creative Writer Blogger Award -- With a Creepy Twist.
As a recipient of this award I must now tell you Seven Lies and One Truth or Seven Truths and One Lie about myself. You decide which is which...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The town’s people stood on their doorsteps, watching the pilgrims as they shuffled and coughed their way through the narrow streets. Some enterprising souls sold bread, cake and water through their windows but most just watched disdainfully, with their handkerchiefs pressed under their noses, praying for the strange procession to end. Much of the road to Santa Maria had been filled with the sick, the hopeful and the weary for over a week since word of the miracles had reached the provinces. The roadside was now cluttered with those unable to continue and those who never would...
Retrospective on ‘Phantasm’, Another Look at The Tall Man
There is a finite limit to the amount of grief and horror that the labyrinthine human mind can withstand. The overtaxed cerebrum can and will go to great lengths to protect its host body from succumbing to the shock that may otherwise cause it long term psychological damage. It may splinter, crack, distort memories and/or produce amnesia, all in a desperate, primal attempt to redeem itself in the face of ruin. So elaborate are the inner workings of our grey matter that, when confronted by trauma of cyclopean proportions, our psyche’s can, on rare occasions, make us believe without question that our idyllic suburban sprawls are populated by malignant dwarves sent on a mission of world domination by a tyrannical mortician....
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Las Vegas man has filed a $38 quadrillion complaint against an Alpine attorney.
The K-Y Jelly made just for STAR WARS fans is more expensive but you will pay for you lack of friction.
We've been worried all this time about 'The End.' We've fucking endured everything from Reagan's Cold War paranoia to crazy Arabs blowing everything to bits - including themselves. As I write this, I find funny that 'The End' probably doesn't come from a war or a bomb. It very well may have started out as a pig virus in Mexico...
Monday, August 23, 2010
In The Shadow Of His Nemesis
Chapter Seventy Eight
By AL BRUNO III
Saturday, December 4th 1996
It was almost first light but for a time Piers Sauno simply stood and stared. Laurel House was just visible through the trees. The others were waiting but he just wanted to see for a while. Moments like this were to be savored. What was the point of life otherwise?
Laurel House was a magnificent thing, a scar in the surface of the world that had become a pearl. He could see it so clearly now, all the Monarchs could.
The identity of Piers Sauno was just an affectation, it wasn’t what he really was- he was beyond mortal form, beyond gender. The body he wore was nothing more than an elegantly designed apparatus. A biologic locus nested in the center of it, a species of life that had been twisted and tweaked until it was not quite cephalopod and not quite insect. A creature with blood of ammonia and a mind that was complex and empty. Through this locus the nameless Monarch that played at being Piers Sauno knew the world.
There were dozens of Monarchs waiting at the borderlands of Essence and with these tools they conspired together. They shared defeats and adventures, camaraderie and in some cases an echo of what mortal beings called love.
But when the walls came down all the Monarchs would fall to squabbling over the world. In their greed they would make war upon one another until only one remained. It would feed and feed until it died, sated and bloated with young. Those young would travel back across the Maelstrom to feast upon whatever new wonders might have grown there in their absence.
That was the cycle that had repeated itself through a thousand eternities and Piers Sauno felt a kind of reverence to know that he was a part of it.
He made a gesture and Ms. McGlade was beside him, her doll-like features eager and curious. Behind her the traitor waited patiently.
Miss. McGlade spoke first, “We are grateful.”
“Indeed,” Piers Sauno said, “indeed.”
“Where is she?” Bodivar asked. There was a of trail dried blood arcing its way down his clothes, “Were you able to do it?”
“We live,” Miss. McGlade favored him with a quiet smile, “in an age of wonders.”
“How much will she remember? How much will be what I remember about her?”
Piers Sauno pulled a motel key from his pocket, “Penelope is as good as new, better than that. She’s waiting for you in town, she’ll sleep until you wake her.”
“Go,” Miss. McGlade said, “you won’t want to see what happens next.”
They watched the last wizard of Woldercan retreat into the forest in search of his reward. Miss. McGlade asked, “You didn’t like him did you?”
“Immortality,” Piers Sauno observed, “is wasted on mortals.”
They began to walk towards Laurel House, their expensive suits wet with snow, their long coats hanging open. The Monarchs’ forces moved through the trees after them, filling the air with hissing and buzzing.
The Minneapolis city attorney's office has decided to pay seven zombies and their attorney $165,000.
The payout, approved by the City Council on Friday, settles a federal lawsuit the seven filed after they were arrested and jailed for two days for dressing up like zombies in downtown Minneapolis on July 22, 2006, to protest "mindless" consumerism.
When arrested at the intersection of Hennepin Avenue and 6th Street N., most of them had thick white powder and fake blood on their faces and dark makeup around their eyes. They were walking in a stiff, lurching fashion and carrying four bags of sound equipment to amplify music from an iPod when they were arrested by police who said they were carrying equipment that simulated "weapons of mass destruction."...