Saturday, November 20, 2010

LOVE AND TREASON ON THE VERGE a complete online novel

LOVE AND TREASON ON THE VERGE

a novel in seven days


The Outpost was a squat stone structure that was ringed on all sides by high thick walls that were honeycombed with stairways, arrow loops and topped with crenellations festooned with ancient barbed wire. There were dozens of Outposts scattered along the Verge, marking the point of demarcation between the nurturing safety of the Protectorate and the madness of the Barrens. Each Outpost was similar in design but always ended up being different in execution.


The vagaries of the land made improvisation a key to survival and the proximity to the Barrens meant that many of these strongholds were never completed at all. This Outpost had taken six seasons and four Dukes to complete. The blood of over a hundred sentinels had stained the ground before the walls were completed and the great metal portcullis closed...


Friday, November 19, 2010

CAVALCADE OF PERVERSIONS Introduces Us To WEREWOLF WOMAN

Poor Daniela. She was raped by a brute at age 13 and her family has a history of lycanthropy. Nevermind that she looks just like her great great aunt, furthering her delusions she's a bonafide werewolf. She's been having nightmares where she wolfs out and kills pilgrims, after dancing naked in a ring of fire (a very fine opening scene).

Daniela's wealthy daddy is concerned, moves her out to his Italian country home, and enlists the help of a doctor to figure out what the hell can cure Daniela from her mind. The doctor spends most of his time musing upon the obvious, such as, Daniela has sexual phobias because of her rape. Oh, really, doc? Why ever would you suspect that? And, Daniela is obsessed with antiques and old documents because she spends most of her time in the attic. Okay. Sure. Whatever you say. ..

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(Recommended Reads) 'I Owe My Soul To The Company Store' by Anthony Venutolo

I'd say that my parents screwed me up pretty good. They weren't normal. In fact, I'd say they were pretty fucking crazy.

My dad Rusty was the fourth bill in a traveling wild west show that had all the authenticity of your basic dime store six shooter.

And Ma? She was his apprentice and, truth be told, none too bright either. What else would explain how she'd let a two year-old brave the old man's "legendary" knife toss? He'd tell audiences he learned his trade from a Sioux on the South Dakota plains when in fact Uncle Snippy taught pop everything he knew in the back alley of a Baltimore liquor store. His mentor in the Art of Stupidity...

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ADVENTURES IN NERDLINESS Reminds Us That Rosalba Neri Is Hotter Than The Surface Of The Sun!

Smoking hot, and ridiculously awesome. In many ways Rosalba Neri is the queen of Eurosleaze. She did horror films, spy adventures, spaghetti westerns, erotic, and WIP films. Born in Forlì, Emilia-Romagna, Italy, Neri won a beauty pageant and attended acting school. She was offered a place in The Actor's Studio, but declined. The IMDb lists her as being in 99 films between 1955 and 1985. She appeared in five films with Jess Franco, including The Castle of Fu Manchu, Island of Despair (aka 99 Women), and Deadly Sanctuary...

 

 

 

click here to visit Adventures In Nerdliness

CHRISTMASTIME Can Be Rewritten - Spoilers for the Doctor Who Christmas Special And Season Six

And some hot sweaty spoilers from i09

 

Amy and Rory are on their honeymoon during the episode, and run into trouble when the pleasure cruise spaceship they're travelling on finds itself under attack from "something very nasty". The spaceship is orbiting an alien planet, which is where the Doctor is for a considerate part of the story. This therefore causes Amy and Rory to be separated from the Time Lord for the majority of the episode.

The latest issue of the magazine also includes some season six spoilers. In the first two-parter, there's "speculation" that River Song is responsible for killing John F. Kennedy. In episode three, written by Neil Gaiman, the Doctor lands on a "junkyard planet" where he meets Idris (Suranne Jones) who's been preparing for her own death. Idris doesn't actually die as she expects, but by the time she meets the Doctor she's gone mad and winds up biting the Time Lord — and Idris turns out to be someone the Doctor has met before. Episode four will be written by Mark Gatiss.

And in episodes five and six, by Matthew Graham, the Doctor will face "a dilemma the like of which he's never seen before." And apparently the Doctor has some flashbacks to his visit to Skaro in "Genesis of the Daleks" in the second half of Graham's story.

Episode seven, by Steven Moffat, will be the first half of a two-parter, to be concluded in the fall.

Click here to vist i09 for more Geeky Goodness!

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Seventy Three

The trio hired a replacement and tried to carry on but no one was interested in 'Snap, Crackle and Scott'

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Seventy Two

Each of the compositions she turned in to her teacher was only slightly different from the last, they were variations on a theme.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Seventy One

Sometimes the players found a dragon or ogre lost in thought, the Dungeon Master loved to have them encounter pondering monsters.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Seventy

Farmer Ray spent years training his sheep and when he brought them to the rap battle he really laid down some fresh bleats.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Nine

Rusty Johnson said “Don't touch my junk.” And since he was a cyborg he damn well meant it.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Eight

PETA denounced the way he taught parrots to perform Shakespeare but he knew you couldn't make a Hamlet without breaking a few eggs.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Seven

She was just itching to start her very own flea circus.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Six

His wife worked in a dildo factory and it really bothered him when she brought her work home with her.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Five

He combined his skills at comedy with his love of bi-planes, but sadly he was dismissed as just another prop comic.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Four

On December 24th water levels rose until only a thin strip of land remained. It was beginning to look a lot like isthmus.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Three

Once the war between cannibals and time travelers there was considerable feedback.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Two

He had a Bluetooth but that's what he got for huffing paint.

CORPSE WARS: Attack Of The Crones episode three

Corpse Wars by Jorge Prieto



CORPSE WARS

Attack of the Crones

episode three

by

Al Bruno III


Raindrops pounded against the roof of the Watervliet Arsenal’s motor pool building. A pair of kerosene lanterns were the only light. Six men were huddled around a tiny table, their expressions serious.


“You sure about this?” Mark asked.


Alec nodded, “I don’t think we have a choice.”


The raindrops were almost loud enough to drown out the sound of the zombies massed outside the arsenal. It had been a little over a week since the hungry dead had descended upon the hopeless souls gathered outside the facility’s secured walls. The soldiers stationed on the walls opened fire on the legions of zombies trying to drive them back but once they realized there was no stemming the tide they opened fired in the trapped human beings below them. Some said doing so was a mercy, others thought it was just because the soldiers couldn’t bear the screams.


“Well, if you’re going to do something,” Tony said, “I suggest you do it.”


Tony was a Liberal Arts major and in a way he had found the collapse of civilization to be a bit of a relief; now he didn’t have to worry about that pesky dissertation anymore.


Most of the arsenal’s refugees had expected the monsters to leave after they had eaten their fill but somehow the zombies knew there was fresh meat nearby and they stayed, wandering about or clawing at the walls, and groaning all the while.


“Well?” Harry asked.


Mark rolled his d20’s contemplatively in his hands, “Give me a second. I don’t want to get the rest of the party killed.”


“The more you live, the faster you will die,” the younger man sitting to the right of the Dungeon Master said. All anyone knew about him was that his name was Ken, he was from Japan and while he understood everything that was said to him his only replies came in the form of 80’s song lyrics spoken in perfect English.


“Ugh,” the tall, lanky man sitting beside Ken groaned. He was Pete and he was also in the military. He was one of the thousands of National Guard troops activated to deal with the crisis.


Finally Mark made his decision and said, “I cast Magic Missile.”


He rolled the dice, the results were embarrassing.


“Oh I knew it!” Tony said, “I told him it wouldn’t work!”


“Alright, I’ve got something to say,” Ken commented, “it’s better to burn out than fade away.”


“He’s got a point there,” Alec agreed.


Pete just rolled his eyes, “Sheesh.”


There was a knock at the motor pool door. Harry closed his copy of The Dungeon Master’s Guide, “That would be the evening’s entertainment.”


“I thought the game was the entertainment?” Mark said.


Alec clasped his hands together and rubbed them, “Tonight is something a little special.”


“Special?” Tony said, “I do hope its not another player. My cleric isn’t getting enough face time as it is.”


Harry unlocked the side door to the motor pool and ushered the four women in mini-skirts inside. “Ladies...” he said.


“Ooooo,” Pete shifted gleefully in his seat.


These weren’t just women to Mark, they were ‘hot chicks’ which was another way of saying they were the kind of women he wouldn’t dare to talk to. There were two leggy bleached blondes, a slightly cross eyed redhead and the fourth woman’s skin was so black it was almost purple, she was so busty that her bust couldn’t possibly be real.


Tony asked, “What are they doing here?”


“We’re here for the party,” one of them said.


“Party?”


“Yes the party,” Alec elbowed Tony in the ribs with bruising force.


All four women had done their best to make themselves look sexy but thanks to water rationing there was no way they couldn’t look a little grimy.


But to Mark’s eyes that made them look even hotter.


“Girls, girls, girls,” Ken was grinning from ear to ear, “long legs and burgundy lips.”


Harry laid his Dungeon Master’s screen flat and pulled out a bag of white powder, “I let it slip to Candy here that I have access to all the confiscated contraband.”


The cross-eyed redhead smiled, “Hi, I’m Candy.”


“Of course you are,” Alec waggled his eyebrows.


“The ladies used to work over at the Silver Dollar,” Harry laid out a quartet of sloppy lines of white powder across the back of his cardboard folder of D&D charts and tables, “you guys know that place right?”


“Only by reputation,” Mark said; and that reputation was the most raided strip club in Albany. He’d always wanted to go but never had the nerve, or the cash.


The ladies bent over the table and started snorting. When she reached the end of her line one of the blondes threw her head back and said, “Oh yeah... good stuff...”


Harry nodded in agreement, “Just like Mom used to make.”


Everyone laughed at that, especially Alec and Harry because they were the only ones that knew the white powder was mostly Enfamil.


With that done the ladies began to mingle, the black woman sat on Mark’s lap. He quivered as he spoke, “Uh... Uh... ...Uhum?”


“Relax,” Alec said, “one good turn deserves another. Take your turn buddy.”


“My name’s Egypt,” the black woman’s voice was smoky, “what’s yours?”


“Mark... my name’s Mark,” whenever he inhaled, his nostrils were filled with the odor of expensive perfume and B.O.. She was running her fingers through his hair and not letting him break eye contact. He asked, “...what are you gonna do?”


Smiling her gold-toothed smile Egypt leaned in and whispered into his ear exactly what she was going to do to him. She went into explicit detail.


And when she was done Mark just had to shout, “Yippee!”



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Look at all these posts! Have I gone mad?

No but I am making my novel IN THE MIDNIGHT OF HIS HEART available.

Everything should be ready to go tomorrow.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty One

The two skinless zombies took a break from terrorizing the countryside. One of them asked, “Ever have that not so fleshed feeling?”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty

“You shouldn't tease Larry about his hemophilia,” she said, “he's pretty thin skinned about it.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty Nine

Further research showed that the saying “Where angels fear to tread” actually referred to the average teenager's room.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty Eight

They were going to create a reality show based on her sexual exploits but the title “The Deadliest Catch” was already taken.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty Seven

Since he was the only child to ask Santa Claus for a cow he got his wish. It was a very dairy Christmas.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty Six

She was awarded the Nobel prize for her spicy soups and stews but few people knew the legend of Madame Curry.

RANDOM ACTS OF GEEKERY just got this song stuck in my head! (Great song though...)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

College professor flips out over someone yawning in class

Wow....

 

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty Five

The beauty of Thanksgiving is that family issues come out over dinner but the tryptophan keeps everyone too tired to come to blows.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty Four

The TSA situation really got out of control when perverts started taking flights just so they could get the enhanced pat downs.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty Three

He had dreams of a coke and whores lifestyle but on a cola and Cinemax salary.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty Two

Amazing Ed tried to stop nerdy mastermind FANBOY X from stealing a rare comic book only to suffer the worst beatdown ever.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty One

Mathmagician could turn into in the number zero if she wanted, because sometimes you feel like a naught, sometimes you don't.

(Insane News) "Topless Woman Masturbating In Van Arrested On Gun Charge"

A topless woman who was masturbating in a hotel parking lot is facing a weapons charge after Illinois cops investigating her auto eroticism discovered a loaded pistol in her vehicle.

A Naperville cop responding to an unrelated call spotted Vikki Myers, 44, in a van outside the Red Roof Inn. After initially claiming that she was changing clothes, Myers admitted to pleasuring herself in the vehicle, according to police.

That admission may have been prompted by a police officer’s discovery of what an officer described as “adult items that were used for self-pleasuring.”...

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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

TSA Gangstaz (NSFW)

The HOUSE OF SELF INDULGENCE writes a pretty damn hysterical review for the movie NEVER TO YOUNG TO DIE

If you're related to a secret agent, do their talents transfer over to you when they're inevitably murdered by an hermaphroditic super villain? Of course they do, what a silly question. Even if the person inheriting the talent is just unassuming teenage gymnast with thick, lustrous hair? Yes. And even more so if that's the case. As most people know, the thick-haired gymnast is one of the last vestiges of truth and justice left in this world. In a society overrun by disco punks and their gender ambiguous overlords, a thick-haired gymnast named Lance Stargrove is about to find out that you're never too young to die in Never Too Young to Die, an action-adventure movie where, according to Stargrove's theme song, no one runs away from the danger zone. Filmed smack-dab in the middle of the 1980s, this unqualified crumpet features enough erratic gunplay, heavy metal hoedowns, customized motorcycles, homemade rocket launchers, scene stealing transsexuals and cackling henchmen to fill a moderately priced gunnysack. Having just watched the The Road Warrior on LaserDisc and the memory of the United States of America destroying the competition at the Games of the XXIII Olympiad still fresh in his mind, filmmaker Gil Bettman and his formidable team of writers and hangers-on (a shady collection of drug dealers and mealymouthed sycophants) have wisely chosen to combine the two, and by doing so, have created an entity so righteous, so mystifying, that it resembles an actual movie at times...

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PLAID STALLIONS reveals the fine line between high fashion and fashion for when you're high.

Monday, November 15, 2010

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis chapter ninety

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis


Chapter Ninety


By AL BRUNO III




Saturday, December 4th 1996





The pale sunlight that bled in through the shattered doorway of the Great House did nothing to dispel the murk. Zeth stood off to one side, keeping watch, his eyes were emotionless. Sig was huddled in a corner near the elaborate mural, his body as bestial as it was ruined. Warren’s sister knelt beside his body murmuring one “No...” after another. Sometimes she closed her tear-filled eyes and tried to deny the reality before her.


Hao’s cradled the body close, her voice had become deep and animalistic with rage, “Bodivar.”


“Yes,” Sig said, “Bodivar.”


“Why?”


“I don’t know. The Monarchs found Laurel House. He must have led them there. He must have escaped during the attack.”


“I couldn’t help but notice,” Zeth said, “that you escaped the attack as well.”


There were tears in the old Vlodek silvery eyes, “They let me go. I wanted to fight. Angie’s dead and I have nothing to live for but they wouldn’t kill me.”


How very convenient.”


Hao pulled Warren’s cold body closer to her, she rubbed her cheek against his, “He’s not lying. This is his damnation. To be the last to die.”


“You’re voice is scaring me,” Isobel said, “please stop.”


For a moment anger flared on Hao’s face then her expression softened, “All right.”


Zeth leaned a little out the doorway and squinted, “What about the others?”


“Jack’s dead. Galen and Magwier have been captured,” Sig explained, “for now anyway.”


Zeth laughed a little, “Magwier’s alive...”


“And Galen,” Isobel added, “what are we going to do about it?”


“I’m going to rescue my friend, I don’t give fuck all what the rest of you do.”


“We’re going to do this together,” Hao stood, she took Isobel by the arm and led her away from the body, “we’re going to avenge ourselves.”


“Can we? Can we really?” Isobel asked.


“Oh yes. Don’t you see?” the other woman said. She ran her hands along the mural the depicted the history of the Vlodek in a single swarm of activity and madness; the splitting of the bloodlines, the wars, the feuds and all the lesser races being trampled underfoot. “That’s why the Monarchs waited until the three of us were gone before they struck. We’re the ones they were the most worried about.”


“You three can do what you want,” Zeth said, “it’s not my concern.”


Hao turned towards him, “You are going to help us.”


“I don’t think so,” he said but the smug grin fell from his face when his gaze met hers. One of her eyes had changed, it had filled with yellowish effulgence. It blazed in the darkness.


“You...” Sig’s voice was full of grim wonder, “...Moon-Eye.”




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Kitty Vs Alligator!

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty One Through One Thousand Six Hundred


5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty One


Morbidly obese Special Agent Mario Krump hated hostage situations, they made the undersides of his man-boobs sweaty.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty Two


“Directives from corporate are like intestinal parasites, one is bad but when they come in groups everything gets backed up."



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty Three


Abner Deggent liked to call himself a mercenary but anyone that hired him soon realized he was a soldier of misfortune.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty Four


Illness prevented him for being at Clown College for finals week, luckily he passed the make up exam.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty Five


She quit being an exotic dancer to work in tech support, she went back to stripping to save her sense of self-esteem.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty Six


She said, “I can't understand why we're friends.”

“We're more than friends.” He replied.

“I can't understand that either.” she said



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty Seven


At first she thought Dave was the wind beneath her wings- then she realized it was just hot air.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty Eight


The magical Erato was upset by the appetites of the sewer ghouls, the sewer ghouls were upset by the way her robes never got dirty.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Fifty Nine


While to call center encountered many difficulties due to the zombie apocalypse, the phone stats had never been better.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty


Redneck cyborg Rusty Johnson never revealed his body was made from monster truck parts but he also never gave any spoiler alerts.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty One


It was bad enough that Captain Hero's beloved Doomsday Girl had returned to crime- but then she unfriended him on Facebook...



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Two


The Maven hunted the serial killer known as Hannibal Lecture- he talked to his victims about Amway until they died of boredom.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Three


He bragged he was a crack stunt driver but secretly worried that popping nose pimples while speeding didn't really count.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Four


The first official STAR WARS themed daycare cut expenses for snacks and activities by freezing the children in carbonite until 5PM.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Five


It was noted that long before the pastor started burning Korans he had burned away sections of the Bible that didn't suit him.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Six


He didn't realize his wife snored, so he just kept having those recurring nightmares of being a groundskeeper with a faulty mower.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Seven


Bill Board wanted to be religious but his faith was weak- he was always looking for a signs.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Eight


The memo told everyone it was “clock out at five” but they left off the “L”. Human Resources had a field day.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Nine


Given the choice between dating a redhead or reading the Necromonicon he was unable decide which would ruin his sanity faster.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy


Given the choice between dating a redhead or reading the Necromonicon he was unable decide which would ruin his sanity faster.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy One


Noise from startled baby goats alerted the police. The fugitive cried “I'd have gotten away if it wasn't for those meddling kids!”



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Two


Psychotic Kid would never have allowed his enemy to set the terms of the duel if he had known it would be a rap battle.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Three


Hrothgar spent the entire holiday fighting ghost vikings- it was a very spectral Christmas.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Four


The super hero known as The Zinger could create insults at super speed.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Five


He hadn't wanted another case of Athlete's Foot but that was all the Cannibal Supply Warehouse had in stock.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Six


The roman emperor had a dozen slave girls with large asses, when they rose up and killed him his last words were, “Et tu bootay?”



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Seven


If voters elect the President they'd most like to have a beer with they should expect to find themselves in a world of Schlitz.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Eight


Ellen put the call on hold and said, “Anyone that says war is Hell has never worked in tech support.”



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Nine


Fuego's bitterest rival was Braka Besatta but he supposed he might be bitter too if he were the only Luchador in Sweden.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty


Jeremy Deadslayer knew how to kill regular zombies and fast zombies but he didn't know beans about farting zombies.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty One


The makers of the male enhancement drug bribed the members of the court with their product creating a hung jury.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Two


The teenage leper felt a lot of his time in the bathroom flaking off.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Three


Part of the strippers union's plans for greater social acceptance involved them helping design womens' Halloween costumes.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Four


“Oh I found the Yellow Sign,” Jason Magwier said, “but it clashed with the room.”



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Five


He was only a member of the priesthood for a few days before he quit. Call it friars remorse.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Six


He went to the nude barbecue hoping to feast his eyes on a feminine smorgasbord but all he got as a load of burnt sausages.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Seven


Prostitutes facing equipment difficulties frequently contact Trick Support.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Eight


When making love his piercings scraped against hers as they grew older and removed them their relationship lost its spark.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Nine


Everyone in marketing was fired because someone should have realized that 'Sugar Frosted Cornholes' was no name for a cereal.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety


A dozen prostitutes showed up at the congressman's office and he realized he should have proofread that add for 'poll takers'.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety One


Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world- but that's the Rapture for you.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Two


They pulled him from the doughnut machine but he had a glazed look in his eyes.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Three


When he was a young man he considered himself a 'Love Machine' as he got older he started having problems with his nuts.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Four


High on LSD the actor wandered the village green waving homemade weapons, he listed it on his resume as Shakes spear in the park.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Five


Studying the sanity-blasting tome known as the Necromonicon prepared him for the job of being Sarah Palin's official proofreader.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Six


“And if you press the button on 'IT Department Barbie' she takes a call and pulls some of her hair out!”



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Seven


He was making love to a girl from Helskinki but didn't finish.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Eight


Everyone knows you shouldn't bring a knife to a gunfight but there is a similar rule about bringing hamsters to cockfights.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Nine


Jack won the goldfish swallowing contest but the goldfish won the 'kill a guy by blocking his sphincter' contest.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred


He wasn't the first attendee of the All Gay Rodeo to go home with some new chaps.