Friday, December 2, 2011

Hand Over Fist

Hand Over Fist

(An excerpt from Price Breaks And Heartaches)


Al Bruno III

His body was hairless and rubbery, water ran from his hair into his eyes as he looked at me and to top it all off he was trying to cover himself with a hand towel. “Oh hey Al,” Kevin said. “You’re a little early. Come in.”

“Actually, I’m about five minutes late.” I stayed as far outside Kevin’s apartment as I could without fleeing to the next county.

“I was just getting out of the shower.”

“I kind of figured that. Is… is this double date thing still happening?”

“You bet it is,” he said with a grin. “Come on in and give me a minute or two to get ready.”

I suggested, “Maybe I should go and get the girls.”

“You don’t know the girls.”

I mused, “I could get the movie tickets and come back.”

“We haven’t picked what we’re going to see yet.”

Then I begged, “…can I at least go get you a bigger towel?”

And with that Kevin dragged me into his apartment and I had to scramble to make sure no part of my body brushed against his nakedness.

“What lovely wallpaper this place has,” I said.

I stumbled into the living room and wondered how I could have gotten myself into this latest in a series of fine messes.

‘Double date’, an innocent pairing of words on the surface but in truth the only pair of words more likely to cause more misery for a man is ‘I do’.

After what seemed like an eternity of flipping through the dog-eared copies of ‘Playboy’ and ‘Soldier of Fortune’ Kevin came down the stairs wearing the exact same clothes he had worn at college that day, except that he had missed two belt loops instead of one this time.

We drove out to some campus housing in Schenectady and found a pair of girls waiting for us at the bus stop near the corner. They climbed in and we all exchanged greetings.

Alice and Sarah seemed like nice enough girls but very earthy, and by earthy I mean they smelled like patchouli and dirt. We debated which movies we could go see, but it turns out that the girls had certain parameters. They refused to see any films that had realistic or artistic acts or threats of violence and they refused to see any films in which animals or women were exploited.

And that was how I ended up paying to go see ‘Daffy Duck’s Quackbusters’ in the theater.

Well, at least the girls enjoyed it, mostly because they had begun toking up in the theater during the opening credits. Kevin joined in but I did not partake.

Yeah I know you’re snickering under your breath at that but it’s true.

After ‘Daffy Duck’s Quackbusters’ had reached its pulse-pounding conclusion I offered to take the girls back home but Kevin said we should all hang out and talk a little. The girls were all right with that as long as we picked up some snacks first.

Kevin told me that we should park someplace remote and rarely trafficked. He directed me to a disused parking lot near the Albany Airport. I recognized the spot, I had been there before.

“Couldn’t we go someplace else?” I said, “I’ve heard that high school kids like to throw eggs at the cars parked out there.”

“Nahh that’s a rumor.” Kevin said, “I used to bring Lizzie out here all the time.”

We got there and killed the engine, there was a minor Chinese fire drill when Kevin got into the back seat with Alice, Sarah climbed up front with me. Kevin and Alice started swapping spit almost immediately, I had to get out of the car and have a seat on the bumper. It was a chilly September night but that was fine, I wanted to be cold for a while.

“Hey,” Sarah sat down beside me. “Are you feeling all right?”

I smiled at the concern I saw in her plain features and single eyebrow. I wondered to myself could I kiss this girl? Should I kiss this girl? And if I did kiss this girl would I get a contact high? I had heard in more than a few places that every girl was practice until the right one came along. How could I ever hope to kick a field goal if I was still pitching in the bullpen?

Note to self. Nerds should not use sports analogies.

“I’m just…” I said. “…look you’re a nice enough girl but I just don’t…”

“Hey,” she patted my arm. “No worries, I’m not attracted to you in the least.”

I chuckled to myself, “A perfect end to a perfect evening.”

“Besides I think you’re still hurting over someone.”

“It’s not even that, I mean yes I did park here once with someone special once but that was high school, or close to it anyway...”

Sarah gave me a hug, “You sure you don’t want to smoke some weed?”

“No,” I patted her on the back.

“What about a handjob?”

I broke the hug, “I... I... What?”

“Well you guys paid for our movie and our snacks,” she explained. “It’s the least we could do.”

Everything shifted into slow motion. I turned to see the windows of my car had fogged up and I could hear Kevin K. Hanson giggling like a cartoon mouse.

I cried “Nooooooooooooo!” but that was only the first dramatic ejaculation of the night.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Ninety Three

That night Psychotic Kid learned that all the ninja training in the world won't help if your iPhone isn't set to vibrate mode.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Ninety Two

They couldn't identify him, they only knew he had died with an erection. His remains were placed in the Tomb of the Unknown Boner.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Ninety One

“The play ended with a god dancing onto the stage and saving everyone, “Magwier said, “It was a total cop-out, a deus ex macarena.”

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

We're gonna need a bigger boat...

This fish story courtesy of BUZZFEED

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THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERHERO GIRL has a super-substitute!

This is the first I've heard of the movie INKUBUS but damn... Robert Englund hasn't lost his touch...



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A few scenes of the JOHN CARTER trailer fills this D&D player's heart with glee!

Want to read a synopsis of the plot of the new AKIRA movie? I wish I hadn't...

From the noble and long-suffering TOPLESS ROBOT

Kaneda is a bar owner in Neo-Manhattan who is stunned when his brother, Tetsuo, is abducted by government agents led by The Colonel. esperate to get his brother back, Kaneda agrees to join with Ky Reed and her underground movement who are intent on revealing to the world what truly happened to New York City thirty years ago when it was destroyed. Kaneda believes their theories to be ludicrous but after finding his brother again, is shocked when he displays telekinetic powers. Ky believes Tetsuo is headed to release a young boy, Akira, who has taken control of Tetsuo's mind. Kaneda clashes with The Colonel's troops on his way to stop Tetsuo from releasing Akira but arrives too late. Akira soon emerges from his prison courtesy of Tetsuo as Kaneda races in to save his brother before Akira once again destroys Manhattan island, as he did thirty years ago...



Tuesday, November 29, 2011

THE COLD INSIDE (a serial novel) Chapter Four part three


Chapter Four

part three


Tuesday November 8, 1994

Warren Talbot often said, “Dodge ball is proof of man’s inhumanity to man. Think about it. You take twenty adolescent boys of varying temperaments and sizes. Make them change clothes together in a smelly locker room. Then make them do calisthenics in a drafty gymnasium. Once they’re all worked up and miserable pass out the volleyballs and let them assault each other for fifteen minutes. What is that supposed to teach us? How is that going to help us in a job interview? I can’t believe my Dad is paying for this!

Tubbo needs to learn to take his pleasures where he can. Tristam thought as he dove for cover. A volleyball whizzed over his head. The polished wood of the gymnasium floor squealed against the flesh of his legs. For Tristam there was no feeling quite like the feeling he got when he bested the jocks in their own element.

Especially now that he was the whipping boy of choice among Blessed Heart’s student elite; “Everybody aim for the freak. Everybody aim for the Dog-boy.”

Greg was already sitting in the bleachers. He just let them tag him out, he didn’t even try to dodge. Tristam wasn’t sure if he did that because of his old injuries or because he just didn’t care. Tristram wondered if maybe it was a Christian thing.

Another volleyball came sailing his way but this time Tristam caught it. That was three guys he’d taken out this round so far.

“You’re dead meat!” a jock shouted as the coach waved him to the sidelines.

Tristam hurled the ball at another one of his tormentors but the shot went wide of the mark. A dribbling thump alerted him to the fact Coach Jones had brought another ball into play. That made three.

The jocks started coordinating their attacks, trying to hem him in. Tristam ducked and ran while the gym teacher looked on with an air of bored distraction.

It would be nice, Tristam thought, if they threw the damn things at each other once in a while.

He caught another ball, tagged another of his adversaries out. From up in the bleachers Greg whistled and clapped, “Vive la resistance!”

They were incensed now, cursing at him, threatening to beat him or worse. The gym teacher issued a warning growl about sportsmanship and then rolled another ball onto the field.


One ball hit Tristam in the leg, a second in the stomach. He doubled over, more out of surprise than anything else. As per the rules he retired to the bleachers, an eruption of raucous jeering at his back.

“Man what a wuss!”

“Dodges like a retard!”

“I should have nailed him in the face.”

Greg was on his feet, trying to boo them down. Evan Crawford- late of the football team and the honor roll- shouted, “Watch your fucking mouth Graveyard!” and flung the volleyball he was holding at him.

The ball missed, barely. The Gym Teacher grabbed Evan by the back of the neck and started scolding him.

Tristam sat down next to Greg, “You OK?”

He shrugged “That was nothing. Are you OK?”

“Just once I wish they’d acknowledge I out-played them.”

“You know you outplayed them that’s enough.”

“It should be, but its not.”

Now that Tristam was off the field the game had become much more fast-paced and friendly. Evan was running laps, a miserable expression on his face. Greg watched it with a kind of detached air, “They just need someone to pick on. If not us it would be someone else.”

“I can’t believe I was ever like them.”

“I have witnesses.” Greg said slyly.

Tristam stared at his hands, he could feel the coldness building within him, feeding on itself. He tried to use the exercises Dr. Butterfield taught him, but there was something inviting giving in to his rage, “All this because of a damn dog.”

“All this because of a plea bargain. If you were innocent you should have gone to trial.”

“My Mom and Dad wouldn’t hear of it. I’d shamed them enough.”

“Did you do it?”

“I took the stupid plea bargain, that says it all doesn’t it?”

“Not always,” Greg said. “Just remember that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.

“That’s a load of crap.”

“No it’s not. It’s all part of God’s plan.”

Tristam waved his hand dismissively, “Sorry. No God. No plan. Life sucks then you die.”

“Now you’re just being pissy. I know there’s something else after all this. When I died...”

The coach blew his whistle, ending the game and sending them all back to the locker room to get changed. Tristam waited with Greg for the others to file in to the locker room, it was safer that way. “You were dreaming. My Dad said that the brain dreams for about five to ten minutes after the body stops breathing.”

Greg laughed a little, “Your Dad must be a real ball at Christmas.”

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BUZZFEED shows us 25 animals that want to kill themselves

Here are my favorites





Click here for the rest of this sad sad group.

Weirdest Christmas Card EVER?

And now Amanda Palmer wearing a dress made of sporks

Don't ever change young lady...



For more stop by her blog... this one is NSFW too...  what is up with me today?


And I can't let an Amanda Palmer related post go by without one of her tunes...


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I found the picture and Ray Garton added the awesome...

Ok... Gary Busey has a novel coming out... only the trailer for PIRANA 3DD can keep me from jumping off the roof...


From FAMOUS MONSTERS about his role in the new PIRANHA movie.

“I play a farmer. A cow explodes because of its farting ability and out of it come hundreds of piranha, raining down on me. You’ll see how I treat one of them.”

For more Busey fun, read the full Empire interview linked above to read about his upcoming novel BUSEYISMS. For more PIRANHA 3DD fun, check out the teaser trailer below and be pumped for its release next year...


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The ice skating version of the movie ALIENS has destroyed my mind!

WOW. Just wow.


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(Recommended Article) Luke McKinney's "The 7 Most Elaborate Dick Moves in Online Gaming History"

Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMORPGs) are a psychological test we pay to fail. We've looked at the biggest dick moves in online gaming before, but multiplayer games are just like the rest of the Internet -- no matter how big a dick you've seen, somewhere there's an even bigger one doing unspeakable things to people...


click here to read the rest


 It is a really funny article, and it serves as a reminder for why I don't game online anymore. I used to back in the days of MUDs and MUSHes but I really perfer playing with myself these days.


Wait... that didn't sound right...


Article found via BUZZFEED

Michael Bukowski's version of the Wamp is a dream come true!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Remaindered, Rejected And Irreconcilable part eight

Price Breaks And Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Eight

Remaindered, Rejected And Irreconcilable

part eight

Frank was in the back room of Ivanhoe Books Incorporated, taking a much needed break. Yasmin and I left him alone back there so he could get his head together, and honestly the sound of his sobs was disturbing us.

As Yasmin ran the register I put the miniature Christmas tree back on the counter. Glass ornaments had rolled everywhere and several had been shattered by the footsteps of unwary customers. I was determined to save as many of the little spheres as I could.

One of them had rolled beneath the romance novel shelves and I was trying to poke it free with the end of a broom. Then I realized someone was watching me.

“Tallulah!” I smiled and got to my feet.

“Hey Al,” she let me hug her but turned away when I went in for a kiss.

“Something wrong?”

“I’m just not in the mood for public displays of affection.”

That didn’t surprise me. She hadn’t been in the mood for pubic displays of affection either lately. “So why are you here?”

“Christmas shopping,” she said flatly.

I brightened up, “If you need anything here you can use my discount.”

“Don’t bother.”

That did it, I still don’t know why but that did it. “You know something?” I began, “I’m getting really tired of your bullshit.”

“How do you think I feel?”

“I’d love to know how you feel,” my voice was a furious whisper, “maybe you should try talking to me!”

“I have been talking to you,” Tallulah said, “I’ve been talking to you for weeks but you won’t listen.”

“Listen to what? What do you want? I love you.”

“Those are just words.”

Is there anything that stings more than telling someone I love you and not hearing I love you too in return? I felt like I’d been stung and my soul was about to go into anaphylactic shock.

“Just words?” I said, “It wasn’t just words before.”

Tallulah didn’t say anything, she just rolled her eyes. That made me even madder.

“You know what?” I continued, “If saying I love you isn’t enough anymore maybe you should just get lost. There are plenty of other girls out there.”

I watched her storm off, I felt angry and heartbroken all at once. I felt like everyone was staring at me. One of the friars that operated Northway Mall’s improbable church shook his head, “Women huh?”

There was still an hour left before closing time so I decided to channel my rage into putting the new arrivals in the romance section. As I shoved each Harlequin paperback onto the shelf with spine breaking force, I read each title aloud in a mocking growl.

“Oh.” I sneered, “Love Me Like A Rock. What the fuck does that mean?”


What the Heart Knows? Does the heart know when it’s going to be torn out and wiped across someone’s ass?”


In the Midnight of His Heart? That is the shittiest title I’ve ever heard!”


“Al?” Frank approached me, he looked a little pale but he seemed all right again. He handed me an envelope, “Some girl left this for you.”

How could I not recognize Tallulah’s handwriting “What? Where is she?”

“She left already.”


“Is everything OK?” Frank asked.

“Yeah I guess.” I in sighed heavily.

“Are you sure? Your eyes are watering.”

“…well I might need a minute in the back room OK?”

Frank nodded, “I hear you buddy.”

I let myself in the store's backroom and opened the envelope;

You utter shit. I’ve seen how the men in your family are, I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree does it?

I hope you end up just as miserable as they are. Merry fucking Christmas.

“At least she wished me a merry Christmas.” I said after the fifth time I read the note, “I suppose that’s a good sign isn’t it?”

Click Here To Continue


"Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby and then scream WTF!"

What is this? Zalgo goes to the drive in?


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Will you grin at the trailer to SMILEY?