Saturday, May 1, 2010

(Recommended Reads) "Get Gone(Crowndon, Part 1)" by Jessica Rosen

Sometimes I noticed the soot covering me. It turned everything filthy on Crowndon. We had to burn whatever we scrounged up for fuel. Between that and the factories, ash was a constant mist. The snow was full of it. When snow melted in my hands, it left trails of light skin.

Days were spent finding stuff to scrabble through the next day. Lucky ones worked in the factories. They had food most days and their windows were stuffed, keeping the wind out. Mam wasn't a lucky one. We stayed hungry and cold, but she taught me how to scrounge. She once found a tattered sweater. It hung over my scrawny body to my knees, flapping over my hands. It was perfect...

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(Recommended Reads) "Quietus" by Catherine Russell aka ‘Ganymeder’

The worst thing about the zombie apocalypse was the damned unicorns. It was easy enough to escape human zombies; they were slow moving, chronically uncoordinated creatures with very little brain power of their own. Perhaps that was why they hungered for the gray matter of others...

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(Insane News) Man Accused of Masturbating In His Car Or "Hey buddy! Both hands on the wheel!"

From the KITSAP SUN


A 27-year-old Port Orchard man was arrested Wednesday on suspicion of indecent exposure after a woman told police she saw him masturbating while he was in a car next to her at a stop light.

The woman told Bremerton police the man waved at her while they were at the stop light at the intersection of Wheaton Way and Sheridan Road. When she looked he was pleasuring himself, according to police reports. She called 911 and the man drove into a parking lot a few blocks down the road.

Police traced the license plate to a Port Orchard man, whose driver's license photo they added to a photo montage. The woman reportedly identified one of the photos immediately as the driver, reports said.

An officer arranged to meet the man in Bremerton before his work shift, and confronted him with the allegation. The man allegedly admitted to the act. Police booked the man into Kitsap County jail on suspicion of indecent exposure and set bail at $5,000.


(Recommended Reads) "A Puma In Search Of Her Cub" by Anthony Venutolo

Rebecca was having that kind of day. When one of the stock room boys referred to her as a 'puma,' she didn't know whether to be insulted at assumption of her age or complemented by his attraction...

(Recommended Reads) "Cruisin'' by Laura Eno

Debra leaned against Tom as they stood on deck, watching their ship sail out of the harbor. There wasn't much to see in the dark, since their departure had been delayed for several hours, but they were finally on their way now. Some of the passengers around them continued to mutter about the inconvenience. Debra couldn't understand their attitude. Whether the ship moved or not, weren't they still enjoying the amenities?...

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Friday, April 30, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Six

Karl enjoyed the porno remake of THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW right up until the appearance of Aunt Pee.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Five

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times and someone's getting shot."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Four

If she told him once she told him a thousand times he had a brain tumor that effected his memory.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Three

For years his parents argued that their son hadn't died during a breath-holding contest, he was just holding on to his record time.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Two

Her body was an erotic amusement park but he wasn't at least this tall to enter.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy One

Her body was an erotic amusement park but he wasn't at least this tall to enter.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy

The argument during dinner left her feeling all torn up inside, the double helping of super hot chicken wings didn't help either.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Nine

He kept several answering machines in his house and let them fight it out whenever he got a call.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Eight

It was the most racist ghost they had ever encountered. "Just what we need," Magwier said, "a wight supremacist."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Seven

When living in a kingdom of magic and enchantment inadvertent bestiality was almost inevitable.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Seven

When living in a kingdom of magic and enchantment inadvertent bestiality was almost inevitable.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Six

The Maven grabbed a barbecue, the Crime Countess grabbed a hibachi, they started hitting each other. It was grill on grill action.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Five

The Maven grabbed a barbecue, the Crime Countess grabbed a hibachi, they started hitting each other. It was grill on grill action.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Four

The incredible Bratman gained his powers after being bitten by a radioactive toddler.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Three

All we are is dust in the wind but the Lunt family were more like lint in the dryer.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Two

Amazing Ed liked to brag about his 'alien costume' but buying a cape in Mexico didn't count.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty One

And one beating later Psychotic Kid learned not to make wisecracks about a cyborg having 'junk in his trunk'.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty

A freak accident with a can of spray-on tan and a beer bong was only the prelude to the ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT DOUCHEBAG.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Nine

A freak accident with a can of spray-on tan and a beer bong was only the prelude to the ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT DOUCHEBAG.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Eight

Chunky McBride stayed away from strangers with candy but after he encountered a stranger with pastries he was never seen again.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Seven

They banned Karl from the pool after he got his penis caught in the filter, he sued them for not having a bigger intake valve.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Six

"This must be what the Rapture is like," Audra smiled, "except there are no Christians floating up to Heaven going 'Nya Nya!'"

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Five

Karl was heartbroken to learn that a Syllogism was not a money shot involving a clown.

(Recommended Reads) "Bedlam" by Kat Del Rio

She walked upon the broken stones scraping her nails along the church bricks. The dove flew above her head guiding the way. It was cold here in the shadows. The gothic cross hung haphazardly from the steeple. She had never wanted to come here. Even as a child it scared her...

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(Recommended Reads) "Hidden Heroes" by Jim Wisneski

I had her. She was mine. Months of planning, weeks of following, sleepless night where I'd count the same sixty-four ceiling tiles in my bedroom, and I finally had her...

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(Recommended Reads) "Oldest Trick in the Book" by Neil Shurley

Burt shoved the gun against my forehead.

"Cute," he said. "Very cute."

"Thank you," I stammered...

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(Recommended Reads) "Silence" by Michelle Sussman

The ceiling is screaming at me again. I'm lying in bed staring up at it, dark, dingy and cracked. It's an old home, collapsing under the weight of the memories I made with my wife and family...

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(Recommended Reads) "The Way Of It" by Marisa Birns

Little Joey looked down at the gun held out to him.

"C'mon, take it. I ain't got all night," Dix said, and poked him in the ribs...

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(Recommended Reads) "Two Guys And A Flask" by Anthony Venutolo

Inside a rundown trailer somewhere within

the steel-framed heartland, they drank

in the dark, these two guys and a flask...

click here to read the rest, or hear it via podcast!

(Recommended Article) "PSYCHO II" reviewed by MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES

My dearest readers, I bid thee welcome, for it is I, the Duke of DVD, once more standing firm at the gunwale of cinematic mastery. Legs spread, I weather the pitch and yaw of the stormy seas of forgotten film minutiae, striving evermore to land the white leviathan that is silver-screen awesome. Do not despair, gentle readers! Together we shall shed light on the deepest of mysteries, catching the rare glimpse of that pallid abomination that slides through the ice-cold, inky blackness...

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(Recommended Reads) "25 Cents A Day" by Michael Solender

Surrounded by the rhythmic bass of humming clothes dryers, Paulo carefully folded yesterday's paper and placed it on the barren table adjacent to the bench where he waited for his sheets final spin down. He calculated that he had 31 quarters left to carry him through the weekend...

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

My barely coherent review for THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE aka Dieter Laser is the creepiest motherfucker on the planet.







This movie.

This fucking movie.

Wow.

I just got done watching it on VOD and wanted to get my ideas down on virtual paper as soon as a could. I need to get to work tomorrow but I don 't know if I'll be able to sleep truth be told.

So about the movie. The movie as you may or may not know is about a pair of tourists that are taken prisoner by a mad scientist that wants to graft them mouth to anus to form a human centipede. This is some grotesque stuff here and it is realized in scenes that are the grandest of the Grand-Guinol. There are scenes in this film that will make your skin crawl.

But for me that isn't enough to interest me in a film. The HOSTEL/SAW series of films never held much interest for me, (I did find INSIDE and MARTYRS to be very effective and involving films however.).

One thing held me riveted for the length of the film: Dieter Laser.



This man is like something like the result of gene splicing Klaus Kinski, Christopher Walken and Udo Kier. He makes this film, every second of this film without him this movie would have been a grotesque and involving oddity like BLOODSUCKING FREAKS or CANNIBAL FEROX.

See the movie for this man alone, the body horror takes a back seat to him.

But that being said, the final images of the film is one of the most bleak and haunting things I have ever seen.

That is my opinion and my opinions can be a little strange- for example I never cared for THE GOONIES, BUCKAROO BANZAI or GHOSTBUSTERS but I watch PHANTASM every year for my birthday because I love it so much and consider the Lugosi-Karloff film THE BLACK CAT to be one of the best horror films of all time.

And we will now close out this post with the trailer for THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE.










Actually instead lets ask Dante and Randall how they feel about the film...



Wednesday, April 28, 2010

MY SUPA LIFE knows what boys like and guys want!

THE HORROR DIGEST's excellent review of BLUE VELVET

My journey through Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments has come to a close with a 2nd and complete viewing of David Lynch's Blue Velvet. Originally, Blue Velvet was the 3rd DVD that I received when I began my Netflix account back in August, of which the sole purpose was to rent movies on the list that I had never seen before. Perhaps it was a particularly nice day or my head just wasn't in the game--whatever it was I could not for the life of me get past the first 20 minutes without my mind wandering. I attribute this to the fact that you have to be in a certain mood to watch a David Lynch film. I know this because I also attempted to watch Eraserhead not long before my first attempt at Blue Velvet and it didn't work then either. Maybe it's just a summer thing, or maybe I hadn't come to grips with something as strange and unusual as the surreal world of David Lynch yet. But no matter, spring has awoken this ability and I am now able to watch and sort of comprehend what has happened before my eyes...

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Four

When the Mathmagician used algebraic equations to create a rabbit she wasn't just pulling the numbers out of her hat.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Three

t wasn't until he got loads of sand in his costume that Psychotic Kid truly understood what it was to have gritty adventures.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Two

He was the only knight of the round table that liked to play pranks while in his armor. He was a full metal jacknape.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

(Recommended Reads) "A Night Of Splendor" by Laura Eno

The night of the Goddess Ball found a reluctant Chronos, resplendent in his tux, following Death into the ballroom to mingle with their peers in the cosmos...

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(Recommended Reads) "Initiation" by Louise Dragon

Rusty hinges ground on the screen door. His friends laughed. "No such thing as ghosts," he recited & pushed open the door.

Neal Dodge looked back at his new friends and forced a smile.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. The words played in his brain like a neon sign.

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(Recommended Reads) "That Smug Smile" by Anthony Venutolo

It was the night before he went back to Korea. Well, maybe two nights before, but Cindy distinctly remembers Jimmy saying,"I'll be right back, hon. Just gonna go see Auggie a bit."...

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PLAID STALLIONS gives us a glimpse of SHEER UNADULTERATED MANLINESS!!!

Why can't I be this cool?

Monday, April 26, 2010

(Recommended Reads) "Late Bloomer" by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith

(Maria didn't get a chance to post a #fridayflash this week so I thought I would post LATE BLOOMER- not only my favorite story by her but also one of my favorite short stories in general.)


Gods do not always beget gods. It is rare, but sometimes it happens that the union of two perfectly ordinary gods can result in a mortal child. I fear I might be such a child. I am 14 - not far from 15, in fact - but my back is still bare. A few months ago there was another in my group of peers who had not sprouted yet either, so no one was worried. Late bloomers, they called us. It will come, they said. You will sprout when you least expect it, they promised. But my back is still bare...

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5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty One

Rick wasn't afraid of the collapse of civilization; he'd been looking for an excuse to drink his own urine for years.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty

The villainous Gobbleslob turned his competitive eating skills into a super power. No buffet was safe.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty Nine

There was a generation of super heroes that narrated their lives in a film noir style. Captain Hero blamed it all on Frank Miller.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty Eight

The Maven awoke tied down and in the path of a killer Zamboni. She felt her blood turn to ice.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty Seven

The commandant of the prison camp tried to crush Lt. Marvin's spirit but Lt. Marvin's marriage had left his spirit pre-crushed.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty Six

No one in the Legion Of Protectors knew that Dr. Mystical liked to let his homunculus play under his robes.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty Five

The massage feature for the recliner is a little more expensive, the happy ending feature for the massage is a LOT more expensive.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty Four

In the Catholic version of chess the Bishops move priests around the board until they get cornered.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty Three

She explained that her investigations would take her from one seedy bar to the next, but in reality she had a drinking problem.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty Two

As far as Amoeba Man was concerned a costumed crime-fighter had to right to complain that his faithful butler was a transvestite.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty One

Amazing Ed squared off against the Die-Cleaner in a busy laundromat, this was a fight to the finish- they were starch -enemies.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Forty

"I've encountered Dracula and the Frankenstein monster," Magwier said, "but all the do is bitch about being in the public domain."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Thirty Nine

After a few hours they gave up on the food ever arriving, but that's what happens when you order from Godot's Pizzeria.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Thirty Eight

Once the natives killed their prisoners with molten gold, but hard times left them lowering Abner Deggent really hot porridge.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Thirty Seven

In a dark and cruel future THE WORLD'S GREATEST GRANDPA trophy can only be won via combat to the death.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Thirty Six

"Trick the vampires into fighting the zombies?" Lorelei said, "That's so creepy it just might work!"

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Thirty Five

The warriors of the tribe beat Abner Deggent with fistfuls of mangoes, it gave a new meaning to the term 'fruit punch'.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Thirty Four

The collapse of civilization wasn't caused by the remake 'Casablanca' starring the cast of 'the Jersey Shore' but it didn't help.