LIVING DEAD NERD
Al Bruno III
can’t really blame what happened on some kind of horror movie outbreak
or evil spell. I just woke up one morning and I was dead.
Dead, totally dead but walking around, no pulse but a head still full of Star Trek
trivia. I was 16 years old and it looked like I wasn’t going to be
getting any older. So weird. I’m still not sure what I am really. Am I
some kind of a zombie or vampire or something? Has this ever happened to
anyone else? Even Wikipedia couldn’t tell me, maybe when I’m done here
I’ll make an entry.
My complexion had always been pale and my parents never listened to me really so the whole I can’t go to school because I’m only breathing out of habit. excuse didn’t fly so I still had to shamble on out to catch the bus for school.
ride to Allen Palmer High School was always rough, insults and blunt
objects get thrown at me not matter how close I sit to the bus driver.
That day was no different, so I guess we can add dead people to the
things that metalhead stoners have no respect for.
the shit they pulled would make me get angry or even cry but that day
none of it bugged me. Of course it made the shop class rejects even
madder when I didn’t react to them. Finally a textbook hit me in the
back of the head and I turned in my seat to glare at them.
I wasn’t really glaring on purpose, I thought I looked surprised
because I was trying to figure why in the Hell one of those idiots would
have a calculus textbook. Still it shut them up for the rest of the bus
ride and they left me alone from then on.
wasn’t much of anything, I kind of just went through the motions but
that’s sophomore year for you isn’t it? It’s like the middle film in the
Lord of the Rings trilogy, not good, not bad just kinda killing time until the ending.
wasn’t sure what my ending was going to be now though, was I going to
rot away and fall apart? I didn’t know, I still don’t but it doesn’t bug
me much. After you’re dead what’s the worst that could happen?
The next week went on like nothing had happened, it was school, home and then World of Warcraft.
Of course now I didn’t have to worry about bathroom breaks messing up my raids.
I would get hungry- not the kind of hungry you know. It was like my
bones were aching, like I could feel them going soft. It was a hunger
that fish sticks and fries couldn’t touch. Thankfully my neighborhood is
full of cats, some of the stupidest cats you’ve ever seen.
And plump too, like those little chickens they serve at weddings.
By the second week of my new ‘life’ things started to change, I smelled a little but it was nothing that my Dad’s Hi Karate
couldn’t hide. People started treating me differently, even when I
smiled I had this look that weirded people out. I told the gym teacher I
wasn’t going to play dodgeball, I was going to the library and he just
let me. Amazing!
skin cleared up but my grades stayed the same. You jocks even stopped
calling me ‘Timmy the Tard’ not that I cared anymore. One guy did pick a
fight with me, some seven foot tall freshman. He punched me a few
times, it didn’t much hurt and for once I hit back. One smack and he was
crying on the floor. Didn’t know my own strength. I sure as Hell got
called into the principal’s office for that but after he realized I was
staring at his carotid artery and licking my lips he cut his speech
about responsibility and citizenship short and just suspended me for the
that I cared. My Mom hit the roof when she found out, my Dad actually
seemed kind of proud of me for once. One of the neighbor’s dogs went
missing that night, I felt like celebrating.
I was suspended my mom gave me punishment chores to keep me busy while
she and Dad were at work. That was ok by me. I liked the physical
activity it kept me from just sitting around the house because when
you’re dead that’s what you do- just sit around a lot. You don’t get
bored, you don’t think, you just are. You kind of let things happen to
What was it my Aunt said? Let go and let God.
that God was something I worried about much either anymore. I do wonder
sometimes if Jesus was just a nerd like me, if he was just someone that
kept having to swallow abuse and insults until he just choked on it.
Of course he got cool powers out of the deal. All I got was this thousand yard stare.
And I got laid too.
Seriously. It was the girl next door. Well, across the street.
don’t have anything to say about that? Well, anyway, she’s this gothy
chick named Stephanie but she wants everyone to call her ‘Serpentina’.
She doesn’t go to school anymore. They expelled her for spraying the
tampon dispenser in the girls’ room with lighter fluid and setting it on
fire. I had been taking out the trash and I had just kind of zoned out.
I didn’t even notice when it started raining. Stephanie- I mean
Serpentina- came over and started talking to me, talking about how much
she liked standing in the rain too and how I sure had changed. That
never happened before.
invited me in to talk but the next thing I knew we were making out on
her parent’s couch. They were at work too. I was already hard, mostly
because I had died with one of those piss erections I guess. She starts
taking off her clothes, showing me all the places she’s going to get
tattooed and pierced as soon as she’s eighteen.
Girl’s gonna be busy.
Now it didn’t feel like I expected, mostly because I was dead but I got off in other ways. She was so warm,
I didn’t realize how cold I was until I had her on top of me. I let her
do the driving, she kissed me and moved my hands to wherever she wanted
to be touched. Then she guided me into her.
And since we’re both guys here let me tell you that I was doing the
full on zombie groan if you know what I mean. You know what I mean?
Serpentina was going crazy too, she kept complimenting me on my staying
power. I think we could have still been at it if I hadn’t faked and
orgasm and told her I’d call her later.
Bet you thought I was gonna kill her and eat her or something right?
are you out of your mind? She’s crazy about me, and she told me she
wanted to introduce me to this girlfriend of hers named Umbra. And it
was the way she said girlfriend that has me thinking. I may be dead but
I’m not stupid.
course all that exertion has me tired out and that’s where you come in
you big broad shouldered jock you. I knew you couldn’t resist the chance
to follow me here to ‘teach me a lesson’ after what I did to that
mongoloid brother of yours. The dogs and the cats went neck first but
since you pulled down my shorts in gym class
I’m going to start with your guts.
Scream all you want. No one is gonna hear you.
Man, I always wanted to say that.