Saturday, March 6, 2010

(Recommended Article) "The Call of Cthulhu (2005): Enjoy the Silence" by The Lightning Bug

I've been known in my time to rail against people who won't watch a film because it is old or ~gasp~ worse yet filmed in black and white, and I've talked trash about people who won't check out foreign cinema just because they won't read subtitles. What I've never mentioned is my own shortcoming as a film viewer, the silent film. While I've sat through quite a few of the more popular titles like Nosferatu, Metropolis, and The Phantom of the Opera, silent horror and drama fail to capture my attention (comedies on the other hand by the likes of Harold Lloyd and Charlie Chaplin are always enjoyable). I've given it the old college try quite a few times. I think I attempted to watch Lon Chaney Sr.'s 1920 film The Penalty four times before giving up. The problem comes down to this. Without dialog to listen to, my mind tends to start wandering. It's not something I'm proud of, but silent film is my movie prejudice...

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(Recommended Reads) Evolution of Silverware, OR, “Do you believe forks evolved from spoons?” by John Wiswell

"Well, do you?" asked the knife. "You know how to kill a mood," said the spoon. "We're finally both clean and alone, I just laid down a fresh napkin, and you have to bring up relatives." "So you think they are descended from you?" "We do not have a common ancestor. Do I look anything like a fork to you?"...

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(Recommended Reads) “You Must Not Fall. You Must Remain Safe.” by P.J. Kaiser

Bodies pressed against Gerald as he gripped his cane in one hand and the subway pole in the other. The throng swayed in unison as the brakes began to slow down the F train and it slid into the 23rd Street stop. People moved toward the exits and Gerald heard a crackling sound over the loudspeaker. "You must not fall. You must remain safe," said an authoritative male voice. Gerald looked up in confusion as if to find the source of the voice - what a strange thing for the driver to say. Then it came again, "You must not fall. You must remain safe."...

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(Recommended Article) "Who Can Kill A Child?" from The Horror Digest

Who Can Kill a Child among others things has been referred to as an abomination, a masterpiece, a rip off of movies like Village of the Damned, and the victim of ripping off by Stephen King. What is it really? Well, it is most of those things, but it is also one of the finest examples of red paint blood that exists AND entirely thought provoking and possibly even a little bit terrifying. Terrifying of course in the sense that the things, the "themes" happening here are some of the more twisted and complicated ones that I've come across in a long time. I may never know what it is exactly that this movie is trying to tell me, or what it is I'm supposed to get out of it, but I do know that something is eating at my brain and I don't really like it...

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(Recommended Reads) "Following A Pattern" by Jim Dempsey

The boy slid his fingers round the open edge of the corrugated iron door. It was a door without a handle, without a frame, without a lock. It was, in fact, a rectangular piece of corrugated metal filling a deliberate gap in a mud-brick wall. Its hinges groaned as the boy prised it away from its rightful place; exposing the gap, not covering it...

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oh My GOD - Most Terrifying Star Wars Fan Video Ever!

(Recommended Reads) "To Make Sense Of It" by Taliana

Ever since I saw the dead bird on the sidewalk when I was a child, I knew I wanted to be a writer. More than anything, I wanted to describe the reddish hue of its spread wings, the glassy stones that had become its eyes, the way the natural shroud of death had spread over the bird completely...

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(Recommended Reads) A Friday Flash Submission by Virginia Moffatt

The bus rattled along the bumpy road, through miles of brown rock and pink dust. It was not the image of desert I'd had in mind when Lee suggested the trip. I knew it was irrational to feel disappointed when we reached the oasis on the outskirts of the town. But images of palm trees, shimmering water, camels and sand dunes were hard to shake off. Mud, a trickle of water, and scraggy trees were poor substitutes...

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(Recommended Reads) "Surf's Up" by Laura Eno

hronos flopped down on his sofa, grateful to be back home after the strain of holding time in neutral for twelve hours straight. Suddenly, 'Surfing USA' assaulted his ears as Death plunked his bony frame down next to him, the earphones from his iPod reverberating the music much like a pinball machine would bounce a ball...

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5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Ninety Two

Bad enough the Maven had escaped from their deathtrap but then to find out she finished the NY Times Crossword first? And in PEN?

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Ninety One

He crashed his crotch rocket while trying to use an ear candle and barely escaped by the skin of his teeth.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Ninety

Cyrborg redneck Rusty Johnson added a flame thrower attachment just in time to be the torchbearer for the Monster Truck Olympics.

Friday, March 5, 2010

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty Nine

He really got into impersonating different celebrities on Twitter, within a year he had begun producing a movie with himself.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty Eight

At first Thalia got criminals to surrender by offering sex, it was effective but it wreaked havoc with the rate of recidivism.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty Seven

"No going sky-clad," Judy said, "how does my bare ass have anything to do with magic?"

Lorelei shrugged, "Maybe a fear spell?"

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty Six

They found a way to make diamonds out of human hair but no one wanted a pubic zirconia.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty Five

In the 1950's Abner Deggent's manly, two-fisted adventures thrilled a nation; sadly many of them were reclassified as hate crimes.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty Four

Commander Infinity reminded the members of the team to use the official battle cry. It was all about branding these days.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty Three

At first she was disturbed by her lover's foot fetish, then she realized her toes had never been more lint free.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty Two

If not for his first love he might never have found religion, he might never have learned what it was to be cast out.

You've got to hand it to MY SUPA LIFE for not knuckling under...

(Recommended Article) MONSTER BRAINS gives us a glimpse of the old school comic book awesomeness that was The Occult Files Of Dr. Spektor!

(Recommended Reads) "Slice Of Life" by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith

Rodolphus walked into the hall, his belly preceding him by a good ten inches. The annual Soulgatherers' Banquet was in full swing, the waiters struggling to keep up with the demand for the delectable slices. His gaze swept the room until he saw the group he was looking for: Antimus, Tenemius and Tarsus - seven chins between them, three of them Tarsus's alone...

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(Recommended Article) "The King Kong Effect: A hazy remembering of the first time I saw a King Kong Movie. (post #1 of 4)" by wiec?

One of the oldest memories from my life revolves around the first King Kong movie. I grew up living about an hour from my Grandparent's house and on weekends my fam would get in the car and go visit them...

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5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty One

He came in to work each morning full of enthusiasm, eager to face the day's challenges- and that was why his co-workers killed him.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighty

No one suspected that Fuego constantly wore a mask to hide his shameful past as an actor in direct to video family comedies.

The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions): Tombs Of The Blonde Dead Part Five- The Nine Sisters

The Nick Of Time

(and other Abrasions)

Tombs Of The Blonde Dead

part five

The Nine Sisters


Al Bruno III

The hallways of Gurlich manor were littered with dead servants and broken finery, Lorelei stepped gingerly around both. When she glanced behind her she could see the Garden of Duchesses was on fire, doubtlessly braziers had been toppled in the mass panic but while the fire was growing in strength, the sounds of panic were dwindling as the guests fell to the ravenous appetites of the Nine Sisters of Kashchei.

Stepping over a bloodied butler Lorelei made her way up the stairs, her senses telling her this was where the trouble had started. It was the story of her whole damn life, if there was something terrible to be found it was either near the roof or the lowest sub-basement- dark forces rarely dawdled in the lobby. Glass crunched underfoot and she noticed that particular attention had been paid to the mirrors- while bones and memorabilia had been smashed with an almost casual brutality the mirrors had been shattered and re-shattered again until all that remained was dust.

But that made sense didn't it? The Nine Sisters of Kashchei were as vain as they were hungry- they couldn't bear the sight of what they had become.

What a world, Lorelei thought, even the demons live in denial.

She paused at the third floor and let her senses reach out across the realms of dream and magic. What she wanted was two more floors up. Lorelei started running, things, were already out of hand, too many souls had been lost forever. The stairs were grimy with chips of glass and splashes of blood.

A figure came at her from the shadows swinging an ax handle, Lorelei turned slipped in a puddle of warm red and felt the weapon connect with her leg. Her knee gave way with a sickening pop that was half sensation and half sound. When her assailant swung again she blocked the blow with her forearm but the pain of it left her numb from fingertips to elbow.

But that gave her time to kick.

And they thought these boots were just a fashion statement!

Lorelei planted her heel right in her attacker's gut. The ax handle clattered down the stairs. She was about to kick again when she felt a warm tuneless humming in her ears.

Now that they were finished with the final guests of Gurlich manor the Nine Sisters had moved on to the house. They flowed in through the doorway, their feast had returned the flesh of their adopted bodies to its former glories. They were all supple curves, inviting smiles and of course, blond hair but there was something hateful about their beauty now, their eyes were dull and doll-like, their skin flawless to the point of looking airbrushed.

Her attacker forgot everything and ran to them. "Beautiful!" he shouted, "More beautiful than life!"

It wasn't much of a distraction but it was all Lorelei had, favoring her useless leg she hopped the rest of the way up to the fifth floor, cursing under her breath with each step she cleared.

Larry Gurlich's study that was in no better shape than the rest of his kingdom; the bookshelves were toppled, the mirrors smashed, a telescope, a globe and dozens of rare baseball cards were scattered across the floor.

On the top of the desk there was a mummified hand, a black candle guttering in the center of the palm.

It was a Persephone Claw- the hand of a virgin that had been tortured to death. Just the thing for a layman sorcerer that didn't find a Hand of Glory gruesome enough. Lorelei swept it off the table, the flame went out but it was going to take more than that to break this spell.

The sound reached her ears again, the song of the Nine Sisters grasping at her soul, a normal human would have been dead already but Lorelei just felt dizzy. What was it going to take to send these things back? Or worse yet, what if she couldn't send them back?

Adept of the Seventh Circle or not, if she let these things get to close to her all the training and incantations in the world wouldn't matter.

Moving as one the Nine Sisters entered the room.

Suddenly Lorelei saw just what she needed. She retreated until she could get her hand around the telescope.

The Nine Sisters were drawing closer, cooing seductions and taunting her with soul with promises of oblivion.

Lorelei cracked the telescope in half over her good knee and spent a terrifying moment blundering through the bits and pieces that tumbled free.

Where is it?

Where is it?


Every telescope has a small mirror in it, and a small mirror was all she needed. The Nine Sisters of Kashchei were of looming over her. Lorelei held the two inch circle of polished metal and glass at eye level.

The first of the Nine caught her reflection and her face twisted into a scowl of disgust, the others tried to look away but the Nine rose as one and the Nine fell as one.

First the color, then the very substance of their bodies bled away until all that wasleft on the floor was rags and tatters. It was as horrible a sight as any other Lorelei had seen, she leaned on the antique desk for support and tried to catch her breath, tried to feel safe.

Footsteps approached, she looked up to see Audra DiMico and Judy Bauer staggering into the room, their faces ashen.

Lorelei gave them a grim smile, "What took you so long?"

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5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Nine

"It's an unwritten rule," Captain Hero explained, "the longer your fight crime, the more padding you add to your costume."

Captain Hero by Chris Scheetz

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Eight

"I'm trapped," Magwier said, "trapped between the man I'm going to become and the man I could be. They're fighting for my soul."

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Seven

She'd lost count of the number of times she'd become distracted.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Six

He brought his razor sharp wit to college where he made short work of one dull course after another.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Six

Psychotic Kid couldn't wait for this year's master ninja convention, last year there had only been twenty survivors.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Five

Melvin didn't know a dead athlete was haunting him until he awoke to the sensation of a ghostly scrotum resting on his cheek.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Four

"Then, once I'm hooked on meth I'll wait until I withered away to my target BMI then I go to rehab. It's so crazy it might work!"

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Three

He tore open his shirt with a cry of "This is a job for Amazing Ed!" Then he realized he was already in costume.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy Two

Gwen loved him from the moment she saw him, but she never saw him again.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy One

There are stationary stores in Hell with all kinds of personalized cards but none of them have sympathy for the Devil.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It was ten years ago today...

That my daughter was born.
That I started to lose all my hair.
That I truly started to learn what it was to be a man.
For that I am grateful to her and I will be for the rest of my life.
Happy Birthday Rebecca from the first man that ever loved you.
Now go clean your room.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventy

The shuttle successfully brought the first cross-dresser into space, but upon re-entry there were problems with the drag chute.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty Nine

No one realized just how mad a scientist Professor Lindquist was until he started trying to get body parts off cragislist.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty Eight

The Cheerleaders of the Apocolypse made their way across the desert jeep that was heavily armored, and gaily streamered.

The Cheerleaders of the Apocalypse by Chris Sheetz

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty Seven

Once perverted time travelers started traveling back in time to have sex with neanderthals things started to get hairy.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty Six

It was obvious that Cletus didn't know anything about Hip Hop music when he showed up at the concert with a pogo stick.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty Four

Amazing Ed's nemesis Angry Dan hinted at his crimes with strongly worded letters to the editor.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty Five

Hero or villain, if you made a wisecrack with the phrase "Quoth the-" in it the Maven gave you a beating.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty Three

His habit of saying "I dare you" resulted in two failed marriages, an arrest and an unfortunate tattoo.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty Two

They tried to have a Quality Assurance department for assassins but anyone that gave a bad evaluation was dead within 24 hours.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty One

The best thing about robot hookers was using the inbuilt ATM to pay for some ATM.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixty

The Invisible Handyman used a special lacquer to varnish from sight.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty Nine

Jason Magwier explained, "It is easy enough to summon angels and demons, but it isn't easy getting the angels to leave."

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty Eight

Jason Magwier explained, "It is easy enough to summon angels and demons, but it isn't easy getting the angels to leave."

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty Seven

Crimefighting luchador Fuego loved to relax with a sauna after a long day; his costume off, his mask still on.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty Six

The actual motorcycle accident didn't upset him, flying into the back end of an open manure truck did.

Monday, March 1, 2010

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty Five

They tried to have sex while parachuting but were blown off course.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty Four

At the brothel you could pay extra for 'the girlfriend experience' or half price for 'the ex-wife ordeal'.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty Three

Rusty Johnson didn't realize he'd chased Megaton Minotaur into quicksand until he started to get a sinking feeling.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty Two

Thalia got as many letters denouncng her as a pagan whore as she did requests for pictures. Sometimes from the same return address.


Mistakenly engaging in substandard intercourse with an unclean but affable tramp, being gang raped and murdered by an unruly throng of bums and lowlifes, and having your lifeless corpse violated by a morbidly obese junkyard foreman are surprisingly not the worst things that can happen to you in the soiled universe that is Street Trash,J. Michael Muro's mucilaginous...

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A delightfully dark and strange film...

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty One

She hated the back columns of the newspaper, it was personal.

Hey readers! Don't forget the circulate the blog!

Seriously, pass it around like Paris Hilton at a rich douchebag convention.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty

The dean of the school would go missing for days so Audra liked to break into his house, that was how she found the secret passage.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Nine

The hospital tried to use bungee catheters but it was a bit of a stretch.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

(Recommended Reads) "Act Normal" by Cascade Lily

It was eleven o'clock on a Tuesday morning and Andie was lined up at the dispensary counter of a pharmacy at her local shopping centre, waiting to be served. Doing her best to blend in with the other customers, mostly elderly folk who cashed their pension checks each fortnight to do the prescription shuffle, she pretended to examine the merchandise crowding the shelving under a sign that read 'Foot Solutions'...

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