Saturday, September 25, 2010

Roadside Velvet part seven

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Four

Roadside Velvet

part seven

By the end of the week we had exhausted our supply of Elvis paintings and the interest of the local townsfolk. It was time to head home, so we hit the road, our cars in a line and moving like a modern day gypsy caravan.

Paul and Conrad drove the truck back home, Athena was shotgun with Lonnie, I was in the last car in our little parade and all alone. About halfway back to Albany the first wave of drowsiness hit me; this was more than just a nodding off in math class kind of thing this was more of blacking out only to wake up just as you’re about to hit the guardrail kind of thing. I did everything I could to stay awake; I sang Christmas Carols to myself, I quoted dialogue from Doctor Who, I even ran my favorite sexual fantasies through my head but it was no use.

Self-preservation and maybe a dab of common sense made me pull off to the side of the interstate. I wasn’t sure if the others noticed but I was too tired to care.


The hazard lights were blinking but I was well out of the way of traffic. The air conditioner was on full blast and I kept telling myself that I just needed to clear by head but my eyes were closing and staying closed for moments that seemed to stretch on forever.

My first love was there in the darkness, looking just like she had the first time we met. The sight of her in her pale pink sweater, blue jeans and black boots had hit me a bolt of lightning and I was in love.

For all the good it would do me.

Lilly was trying to say something but the sound of the traffic roaring past drowned her out. I wanted to ask her what I had done wrong, what I could have done right.

“…kid are you all right?”

I snapped awake to see Paul’s face pressed against the driver’s side window. Each truck that roared past set the edges of his toupee fluttering like something living and agitated. I rolled down the window. “Uhm,” I said.

“What are you doing?” He asked, “We need to get back by sundown, Debbie’s making meatloaf tonight.”

Debbie was Paul’s wife. She was appallingly attractive in her own way but at nineteen I couldn’t imagine myself ever being attracted to a woman in her forties.

(Don’t tell my wife I said that Ok?)

Still though, I will never understand how Paul landed Debbie, unless of course she had some kind of twisted bad hairpiece fetish.

I’ll wait while you Google it to see if there really is such a thing.

Go on.

Ok. Now where were we?

Ah yes. Debbie’s meatloaf.

“I’m sorry.” I yawned, “I’m just so tired. Conrad kept crying and screaming in his sleep.”

“Yeah,” Paul lit a cigarette. “He’s good for that.”

“You could have said something.”

“You could have told him to shut the Hell up.”

“No I couldn’t,” I slumped back in my seat.

“You kill me kid you really do. Hang on a second.”

Leaning my head against the seat I watched him jog back to the U-Haul truck. The only breeze I could feel was clammy and smoky with automobile exhaust. I closed my eyes trying to catch some scrap of the dream again but it was lost to me. Just like Lilly.

You’ve got to let this go, I thought. She’s not your girl, she never was. Time to move on.

Paul opened the car door, “Get in the back seat. I’ll drive for a while. Try to rest up.”

“Thanks.” I climbed into the back and was out before we even pulled into traffic. The next hours passed in what felt like moments but those moments were punctuated with snatches of what was going on in the waking world; the car speeding up, the car slowing down, the smell of cigarette smoke, the gentle discord of the radio.

Finally a voice roused me, “Hey wake up. We’re almost there.”

There are naps that refresh you and naps that end up making you feel worse, guess what kind this one was? The voice addressing me was too beautiful to be Paul’s. “Athena?”

“You slept the whole way back,” she said. “You slept through the gas station and me and Paul switching up. Man you can snore.”

“Sorry about that.”

“No problem,” Athena winked into the rearview mirror, “it was kinda cute.”

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5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Thirty

Gladys wasn't in the mood but her husband whined until she gave him a hand job, The whole experience left her feeling testy.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty Nine

He was so good at running DUNGEONS & DRAGONS games that he charged for it- on a per diem basis of course.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty Eight

Alone on the horse farm he could pursue desire for bestiality with unbridled passion.

Friday, September 24, 2010

(Insane News) Man Humps Dinosaur in Park

Law enforcement officials say a man exposed himself to two teenage girls in a park in Chester County on Sept. 19, then began "simulating a sex act with a large plastic dinosaur in the park,"...


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The Daily Show Presents: Something Old Is New Again

(Recommended Read) Forever by Kari Fay

She was beautiful. Still as beautiful as the day he had first seen her, despite the intervening years. She lay on the bed, eyes closed, her hair fanning delicately across the pillow, deep in the world of dreams. He loved to watch her like this, a picture of absolute peacefulness...

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(Recommended Read) Half Time by G.P. Ching

The marching band hovered on the edge of the field, waiting for the football players to exit before they could take their places under the lights. At the back, behind row after row of polyester uniforms, Brandon Jones waited with his tuba and a grudge directed toward the girl with the flute six rows up...

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(Recommended Read) Tickling Those Ivories by Anthony Venutolo

He played amid the smoke-filled room.

The rumor was that Sam got his job because he looked like Bogart. Distractingly so. In fact, he usually told the dolls in Toot's Shor's Place that he was once Bogie's stand-in on the Warner Bros. lot. And they ate it up. As usual....

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(Recommended Read) Highlights Of Another Life by John Wiswell



First steps.

Running (So healthy!)...

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Thursday, September 23, 2010



L’Amour Looks Something Like You


Al Bruno III

The bed was too small, the room was too warm and her clothes were too tight but in a matter of moments one of those problems would be solved for her. Kate felt his hands snake up along her back and take hold of the zipper on the back of her black dress.

She couldn’t believe she was doing this! He was half her age, half her age and beautiful. He still lived with his parents but he was undressing her like an old pro.

The dress fell away and Kate felt a flush of uncertainty, these weren’t the perky breasts of a college hottie, these weren’t the hips of a girl flush with the promise of youth. Her shape was still lovely enough to catch a man’s eye but she knew her body had been marked by the passage of time; there were stretch marks and over a tattoo that had seemed like such a good idea at the time.

What would she do if he flinched away from the sight of her?

She would die, she would just die.

He didn’t look away and a little smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, an appreciative smile. Then he was pulling her close and closer still.

There was stubble on his chin, his breath smelled like gum and his kisses were like candy. His name was Robbie. He was a valet and he had flirted with her as she dropped off her car and headed into the grand old hotel for the wedding reception. She was sure he gave the eye to all the middle aged broads that crossed his path, but he’d walked off the job to be with her hadn't he? Walked off the job with a breezy laugh of “They won't fire me.”

What was it her old friend Debbie had said about cougars and cubs? Debbie was always one for smutty little remarks. She’d even made them when she was in hospice, trying to make the orderlies blush while she’s still had the strength to speak.

What would Debbie say if she could see her now?

Robbie had stripped Kate down to her plain cotton underwear. The panties of a woman with no expectations. His touch skirted the old scar that marked the place where the doctors had gone in to remove her cancerous womb. Did he know what that scar meant? Or was he too busy kissing just below her navel and working his way down?

In spite of everything Kate giggled when those kisses reached their goal and he made himself busy. No one had done that in a while!

Or with such thoroughness.

It had been the wedding of a daughter of an old acquaintance, someone she had lost touch with since college and then found again thanks to the dubious miracle of Facebook. Kate decided to go on a whim, thinking it might be fun to see her old home town again. To see what had changed and what hadn’t. Maybe she would even rekindle an old friendship or two.

She had avoided the actual ceremony however, wedding ceremonies left a bad taste in her mouth. She had been burned twice and that was enough, the only thing more expensive than her weddings had been her divorces.

Now it was her turn to undress him. The terrain of his body was familiar but there were surprises. A pierced nipple, washboard abs and he was more than a handful in all the right places; and he was ready to go! No purple pills and pregnant pauses here.


There was a word she didn’t like crossing her mind. Especially considering what she had lost at such a young age, even more so when she realized who else was at the reception.

Of course she should have guessed. Hadn’t the invitation come from an old and mutual friend? Kate was civil enough when Scott her old fiancee called out her name and told her it was long time no see. He hugged her in a way that showed he still didn’t have the slightest idea how much he had hurt her way back when.

He had smiled and told her she hadn’t changed a bit. He bragged that he was the manager of this hotel and he had charged the bride’s family half price for the affair. Then he had introduced his wife and offered to show her his wallet full of kids. The need for those kids was the reason he had left her within months after the hysterectomy.

It was a clumsy move but she had excused herself by pretending her cell phone was on vibrate and there was an important call coming in. She made a show of talking to someone that wasn't there and made as dignified a run for the exit as she could.

She hadn’t even known that she was crying until the handsome valet had asked her if she was all right. This was not the distracted concern of a well-trained employee but the tentative reaching out of a would-be friend. Ordinarily she would never have gone off with some stranger but Kate already felt like she knew him.

It had been good to have someone to talk to, better than good, they found a booth in a little diner and talked for hours.

Then he brought her home sneaking her into the house like they were a pair of horny teenagers. With the door closed behind them there hadn’t been the need for small talk.

And now here she was holding him while he made love to her, running her nails along his wide back until he shivered. When she climaxed she cried out blissfully, carelessly.

That cry brought Robbie's parents running into the room. Covering herself quickly Kate said the only thing she could think of, “Hi Scott, long time no see...”



Millions of killer giant squid are not only devouring vast amounts of fish they have even started attacking humans.

Two Mexican fishermen were recently dragged from their boats and chewed so badly that their bodies could not be identified even by their own families...

Hunting in 1,000-strong packs the giant squid can out-swim and out-think fish. Scientists believe they coordinate attacks by using pigment cells to communicate...


This terrifying bit of news courtesy of GEEKOLOGIE

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty Seven

She volunteered for experiments involving the injection of rabbit DNA into her body, all got out of it was an ingrown hare.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty Six

Even after the apocalypse the barbarian tribes had email accounts, but they preferred to use the .crom domains.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty Five

It wasn't just the sinners that got left behind during the Rapture, it was also anyone that had ever owned a set of TruckNutz.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty Four

He was elected to the presidency of the STAR TREK fan club but his enemies began to spread rumors he was a secretly BABYLON 5 Fan.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty Three

The stripper wasn't crying, it was just that giving Smelly Marvin a lap dance had set her eyes watering.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty Two

Gary was so broke that his only pleasure was putting his bills on direct pay and letting them fight it out when his paycheck hit.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty One

She was a paranoid sociopath with passive-aggressive tendencies so she rose through the ranks of the IT department fairly quickly.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twenty

The accident left the fortune teller known as Mystery Mike with a glass eye and a crystal ball.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Nineteen

The bounty hunter earned one hundred dollars for every pirate head he brought back, twenty dollars for a nose and a buck an ear.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Eighteen

“There are vampire ballerinas close by,” Jason Magwier warned, “keep on your toes.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Seventeen

A trio of husky gay men helped a lost girl find her way out of the woods, it was an all new 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears'.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Sixteen

“He's a tightrope walker and a serial killer?” Amazing Ed said in disbelief, “That's seriously unbalanced.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Fifteen

Alone on a desert island Abner Deggent had to use his penis as a fishing pole. (You don't want to know how he got bait.)

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Fourteen

One of the first superheroes was the pilot known as Biplane Boy, even in this modern age many masked avengers still give him props.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Thirteen

Abner Deggent knew war was Hell but thankfully hiding then shooting your enemy in the back was a kind of Purgatory.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Twelve

She was a retired veterinarian that still performed neutering for extra cash but sadly she was still on a fixed income.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Eleven

Blue Bolt ran at super speed from the east coast to the west coast, tripped and blundered into a tree. It was a total face palm.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Ten

He worked hard to become the manager of a sub shop but the jealous rival torpedoed his career.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Nine

From the people that brought you FACEBOOK THE MOVIE comes LEMON PARTY THE MUSICAL!

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Eight

He had so many prostitutes living at his house that it inspired an episode of Whoreders.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Seven

“This is the story of Splat Masterson, the cowboy with the weakest bowels in the Old West.”

(Recommended Read) Dark Roast by by Jeremy Warach

The air conditioning in the coffee shop was perfect. I sat at the small table, the plastic chair creaking and bouncing slightly underneath me, while my cup of coffee slowly cooled. The weather outside was oppressively hot and muggy. The sweat on my forehead still had not completely dried, even though I had been in the shop almost ten minutes...

click here to read the rest

(Insane News) "Radio Host Thinks Juice Boxes Are Making Kids Gay"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Six

“In the choice between the Presidency and alien abduction always take the latter. At least you go home with some of your ass left.”

And now a scene from the Jo Grant/Sarah Jane Smith team up 'Death of the Doctor'!

MONSTER LAND reviews the movie TOMIE

It’s the classic love story. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy and girl get married and punch out 2.5 kids. With Japanese horror, nothing is ever that simple.

In Tomie (1999), boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy falls into a homicidal rage and kills girl as well as other men who have fallen under her spell. Boy hacks girl to pieces and disposes of the body. Girl regenerates from a single body part and looks for new victims to carry out the same grisly pattern...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Could it be? Has PLAIDSTALLIONS shown us the coolest bachelor pad EVER?

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis chapter eighty two

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis

Chapter Eighty Two


Saturday, December 4th 1996

Jason Magwier was going mad, he paced in tight circles and with each step he kicked tarot cards in the air. Every few seconds he glared at Roxanne, “What have you done? What have you done?”

The sound of wood tearing was so very close, somewhere glass shattered and somewhere further than that there was gunfire. The Monarchs had come at long last. Earth’s last war had landed on their doorstep and here she was hogtied at the feet of a man known as incompetent and insane in equal measures.

“What have you done? What have you done?” It was almost a chant now. Something crashed nearby, the bureau mirror shook against its frame. Magwier turned to stare at his reflection, he touched his own face, “What have we done?”

Roxanne screamed when he leapt at her thinking that this was the end but he was untying her and blurting incoherent apologies. It was all about the Hierophant and the Nexus of Probabilities.

“I’ll save you,” Magwier helped her to her feet, “I can still correct this. You see I was right to send Zeth away-”

Before he could say anything else Roxanne kneed him in the balls. His breath went out with a -WUFFFF!- sound and he dropped to his knees.

“What have I done?” she screamed. Then she stepped behind him, “What have you done?”

“That’s what I said,” his voice was a croak, “are you wearing kneepads or something?”

Roxanne grabbed one of the ropes Magwier had used to tie her and wrapped it around his throat. She stood yanking him off his feet. His neck made a popping sound in protest. He grabbed at the rope, still trying to talk.

This was the end of Laurel House, in her heart Roxanne had always known this moment would come. There was nothing to do now but find Jack. They would go someplace else, they could make a life together. At this point in her life a simple existence was the only kind she hadn’t known. She was eager for it.

But first she would finish strangling Jason Magwier, the so-called Hanged Man. That was an irony she could savor for years.

The door fell open and a man in a long dark coat stood there, his features beautiful, his mouth a grim line. By the time Roxanne noticed the gun in his hand he had fired and she was dead.

Roxanne Lunt fell backwards with a crash. The expression on the man in the doorway’s face didn’t change, all his attention was on Jason Magwier.

“Persuasion...” Magwier coughed, “what a surprise. I guess you could say I’m all choked up.”

“Even now you joke,” Mr. Sauno holstered his pistol and approached, “even now at the end.”

“I suppose you have orders to kill me,” Magwier sulked.

“Oh no,” Mr. Sauno put his arm around his shoulder, “not when you have so much to teach us.”

“You won’t get anything from me... well maybe my recipe for Chili Con Carne.”

Mr. Sauno, led him out of the room, from the tone of his voice he might be speaking to an old friend, “We’ll pick you apart cell by cell, dream by dream. Oh and before I forget...”

And with a single kick he shattered Magwier’s right knee.

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Monday, September 20, 2010

TOPLESS ROBOT brings us... Vagina Hell Bubbles?

HEY LOOK BEHIND YOU! shows us the awesome short film 'The Facts In the Case of Mr. Hollow'

ZOMBIES ARE MAGIC talks about one of my favorite movies LEMORA: A CHILD'S TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL


With a tag line like that how could you not love Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural.  Sometimes films appear on my Netflix Queue and I have no idea how they got there.  Such is the case with this 1973 film directed by Richard Blackburn.  And despite what the Netflix envelope says, this film is not as salacious as it sounds.  It is vaguely disturbing and weird however, with dark undercurrents that give you an "ick" feeling long after the film has ended...


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Sunday, September 19, 2010

MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES waxes poetical about RABID DOGS


Salutations, friends! Once again, the Duke of DVD returns to shine a light into the dingy room that is your collective lives. I see you there, huddled like a forsaken mass in the corner of your kitchen, the light reflecting off the Twinkie wrappers you clutch to your lumpy chest as if they were so many Krugerrans. I take a step into the room, my velvet slipper pushing aside the abused carcass of an opossum. You jerk as I gently pat you on the arm, pushing yourself further into the corner with your near-useless legs. Fear not! I whisper quietly into your ear, which is more scar tissue than useful appendage, calming your racing, massive heart. Soon you are blubbering, grateful for the blessings I bring you...


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The irregularly unscheduled request for your patronage...

They say pimpin' ain't easy well pimping yourself ain't easy either- lets face it I don't have much to work with here.

That being said, if you'e enjoyed any of the work I've posted here why not buy one of my books? Or donate a few bucks? All money donated goes towards new projects, buying art for the blog and my daughter really wants one of those pillowpets things...

All donors will be listed on the PATRONS' PAGE!
(And as soon as I get a donor I'll make a PATRON'S PAGE!)

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My latest anthology is available!

Click Here For Preview

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My story 'In Memory Alone' is in THE BEST OF FRIDAY FLASH