Saturday, April 17, 2010

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and One Through Three Hundred and Fifty

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and One


The starship Persea spent weeks in orbit around the Lodoarian Pleasure planet, finally someone found the captain.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Two


He'd always found humor in the most tragic of circumstances until he had a tragedy of his own.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Three


When you wish upon a star your dreams may come true but when you wish upon a porn star your chances are better.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Four


No branch of the armed forces wanted to be involved in 'Operation Silver Periwinkle'.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Five


The three women pushed him onto his back and tore at his clothes, it would have been damn sexy if they hadn't been hungry zombies.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Six


Doc Mullins was a steely eyed gunfighter with an unfortunate fear of horses, so he bicycled across the west dispensing justice.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seven


By the time he noticed her she was already gone.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eight


Carl had met many women via the Internet but she was the first one to try and kill him with real determination and enthusiasm.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Nine


Lorelei had to admit that her lover's precognitive abilities made him amazing at foreplay.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ten


The cheerleaders of the wasteland soon learned that the best defense was often an UZI and a well executed basket toss.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eleven


Mario Krump couldn't understand how he had gotten jock itch when he never exercised.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twelve


Agent Krump knew that no craft store would be safe until the Macramaniac was stopped.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirteen


Amazing Ed, this utility belt of yours...” Captain Hero quaked with anger, “is full of cigarettes and condoms- some used.”


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fourteen


“The trick to skinning someone,” Reddeath explained, “is to start at the feet, that way you can enjoy their expressions longer.”


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifteen


“This is all just a bad dream,” he said over and over, but he really was at school in his underwear.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixteen


Every year one DragonCon attendee has a night of of pleasure with the cosplayer of their choice before they are sacrificed.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventeen


Despite everything Lorelei hoped she'd see her father again someday, because now she'd be ready for him.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighteen


Psychotic Kid found himself trapped in a building full of his deadliest enemies- it was a Shriners' Convention.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Nineteen


He unburdened himself completely, telling her all his secrets and dreams, there was no second date after that.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty


No one told him that being the veteran of a thousand psychic wars would be such a headache.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty One


His code name was “The Brazilian” and he had ways of making you talk, and baby smooth.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Two


Even crueler than the curse of lycanthropy was the fact that even as a werewolf he still had male pattern baldness.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Three


The suspect hissed and skittered up and over the wall. Agent Krump stared after him, dreading how this would look in the report.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Four


When you come right down to it, Egyptian mummies are proof that you can be too rich and too thin.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Five


Few time machines can survive the trip to the big bang and beyond and those that do for some reason come back filled with pasta.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Six


He turned the thermostat up, she turned it down. On and on it went until weather patterns developed in the living room.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Seven


His years as a washroom attendant had prepared him for a career in tech support. “Please hold.”


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Eight


The years may not have been kind to her but the people that loved her were and that was more important by far.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Nine


The albino mutants might have killed the Cheerleaders of the Wasteland if the girls hadn't offered up such great skin care tips.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty


He vowed to leave town tonight before his dreams were pushed aside by the needs of the newborn son he was holding in his arms.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty One


Amazing Ed insisted that he could talk to fish, it was just that the damn fish wouldn't listen.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Two


She explained to them that she refused to go to church until they put the jokes back in the bible. It was all downhill from there.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Three


There was no doubt in Captain Hero's mind that each of these crimes had been inspired by a one hit wonder from the 80's.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Four


At 12:15 PM the entire defensive line of the varsity football team began spontaneously lactating.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Five


She was caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea... and soon discovered that Satan was surprisingly buoyant.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Six


The villainous Lord Pigman could have revealed Captain Hero's true identity but he knew no one likes a squealer.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Seven


Nobody expected the CEO visit to go well, but no one expected the division supervisors to feed him marijuana-laced brownies either.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Eight


After years of suppressing her sexual fantasies they call came bubbling to the surface, tragically she was driving at the time.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Nine


It looked like a massage parlor but it was really a den of sin and depravity, Karl had to go twice just to be sure.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty


Captain Eagle of the Galactic Patrol secretly liked breaking wind in his space suit.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty One


The Rolling d20s are the only known biker gang composed of D&D players.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Two


Mario knew that suspenders were just a fat man's way of freeing himself from the tyranny of a belt.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Three


They made love, his senses reeled, that made it all the worse when her cat rubbed its cold nose across his ass.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Four


In order to increase employee self -esteem the call center had all headsets designed to look like tiaras.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Five


Thirsting for revenge the Reddeath blew up Captain Hero's taxicab, Fuego's apartment and Psychotic Kid's Love Boat memorabilia.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Six


It took a trip the US for ballerina Wanda Oliszewski to learn that Pole Dancing was very different from a Dancing Pole


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Seven


There are many times when a spit take is appropriate, delivering a eulogy is not one of them.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Eight


At last Captain Hero told Doomsday Girl he loved her, she still thew him down a well but she was blushing when she did it.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Nine


As far as Agent Krump was concerned having your gout inflamed by bad takeout food was an injury in the line of duty.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty


The unmanned deep space mission was really a plot to get rid of all the really sarcastic robots.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty One Through Four Hundred

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty One

'Disposable fingers' The thought woke him up in the middle of the night and kept him awake till dawn.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Two


Captain Hero found the big city superheroes intimidating with their actual superpowers, gleaming costumes and armies of lawyers.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Three


Time travelers ruined the joy of rare coin collecting for everyone.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Four


Rebooting an entire starship was a dangerous business but the Persea was light years from the nearest software upgrade.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Six


Magwier awoke with a gasp and found the satin lined walls of a coffin pressing in around him. “Not again,” he groaned.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Seven


Whenever he ran naked in a thunderstorm it was always the same thing, a quick flash and a huge crack.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Eight


Captain Hero founded the super team known as the Local Heroes, they fought crime and attended the occasional mall opening.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Nine


He was a magician by trade so no matter how much stripper glitter transferred to his clothes his wife never suspected a thing.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty


Each night John Sig heard beatings and abuse going on next door; but even after he killed everyone there he still couldn't sleep.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty One


Captain Hero had no powers aside from his noble heart and better than average people skills- a rare thing in his business.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Two


Once it was decided that shaky cam films were passe, shaky movie screens became all the rage.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Three


The morbidly obese Agent Krump kept shooting fleeing suspects in the legs until Homeland Security bought him a Segway.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Four


The monster was built from body parts of celebrities that died young. It was horrible to look at but damn well knew how to party.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Five


Fearful of the spread of socialism many Americans fled to an island where they survived by sharing resources and responsibilities.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Six


“and I was filled with sepulcherous dread at the hint of playthings hidden in my house- the BRATZ in the walls.”


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Seven


Luchador crimefighter Fuego was on disability for 12 weeks after throwing his back out fighting robots and Aztec mummies.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Eight


Since being dead is a pre-existing medical condition, few zombies have health care of any sort.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Nine


“It was the Devil's picnic and we were the ants.”


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy


By and by the family lost interest in the dog but he never lost interest in them, and that made it worse.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy One


Special Agent Mario Krump went through each suspects' file until his suspicions were confirmed, they were all idiots.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Two


Fuego and Rusty Johnson captured one of the dreaded Shellfish Gang, but then they lobster.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Three


In a war between super heroes and mobsters no matter who lost only the cliches won.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Four


He road off into the sunset, it was all in another days' work for Slim Baker: Grief Councilor of the Wild Frontier.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Five


Every night the super team The Local Heroes went on patrol, excerpt for Sundays- that was the pot luck dinner.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Six


There were to things Audra never seemed to have enough of; spell components and clean panties.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Seven


After years of chanting and ceremonies Madame Tara was contacted by the spirit world. They told her to shut the Hell up.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Eight


The Olympic Committee had to choose between D&D or Co-Ed Mud Wrestling as new events. No one expected them be combined instead.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Nine


Jason Magwier knew that if you were a shape shifter you went through a lot of shoes.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty


One by one the Muses were driven out of Olympus by the gods of remakes, fan fiction and sampling.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty One


Inspired by recent political events Gary shouted “YOU LIE!” at an employee meeting. The District Manager burst into tears and agreed.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Two


Once HP Lovecraft was resurrected from his essential salts he promptly began suing the Hell out of everybody.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Three


Captain Hero offered to reform Doomsday Girl, she offered to ruin him- both left the encounter tempted but alone.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Four


“The difference between a succubus and a poetess is that a succubus won't make you listen to her poems before she eats your soul.”


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Five


The meeting of the Morality Action Group became so heated that an orgy broke out. Later they blamed the television.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Six


A lifetime later he still kept a photograph of his old love hidden away, he never suspected that his wife knew and understood.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Seven


Attending church became like flossing and making love, something she only did once or twice a year- and usually under duress.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Eight


Psychotic Kid and Fuego were the only members of the team brave enough to confront Hrothgar the Viking about his hygiene issues.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Nine


A job opening for a professional time traveler was listed in the paper months after the position was filled.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety


It was a sin for him to fantasize about other women so instead he re-imagined his wife in series of complex disguises.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety One


The first starship powered by Google technology truly was a Search Engine.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Two


It wasn't a wasn't a rare thing for Lorelei to be overcome with love for her mother- just never to the woman's face.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Three


Lesser women might have traded their virtue but the Cheerleaders of the Wasteland took their purity rings very seriously.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred Ninety Four


The ship hit an iceberg then the rescue plane hit the ship; and to think she had taken a vacation because she was feeling suicidal.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Five


The young prince tried to woo the maiden fair but in the end just hooked up with her slutty older sister instead.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Six


That night the demi-god Erato joined the team, and Amazing Ed almost ruined it all by asking if she was there for light housework.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Seven


He confessed that he was an atheist and came to church to pick up chicks, Pastor Ferdman was glad to learn he wasn't the only one.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Eight


Little is known of the Dread Lords save that they can only be summoned by love and only be sated by blood.


5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Nine


"I don't negotiate with terrorists." He said.


"Stop being dramatic and tell the Laundromat we lost the damn ticket." She ordered.


5 Second Fiction Four Hundred


The rescue mission ended awkwardly when Captain Hero and Doomsday Girl were found engaged what was not a life and death struggle.