All he was saying was that a spit take from Jim Carey was a radically different thing than a spit take from Sasha Grey.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
It was his job to care for any women of ill repute that suffered broken limbs, it was all part of the Emergency Broad Cast System.
“If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. But for God's sake ask permission first.”
The candidate compared herself to a grizzly bear, which was ironic considering how often she mauled the English language.
She could write anywhere but she found that when she needed to be sitting on the toilet if she wanted her work to be really pithy.
The Maven hadn't meant to kill that villain but now she had to deal with the legal consequences and the fan mail from Frank Miller.
It was the only full service car wash that allowed you to talk to the dead, the secret was their Squeegee Boards.
Some thought it was a brilliant idea to make an erotic film based on the works of Ayn Rand but no one went to see ATLAS TUGGED.
“I'm not too insecure to shower with the other men,” Deggent explained, “its that the sight of my body might make them insecure.”
“I'm no expert in demolitions,” Abner Deggent said, “but I've never heard any of the people I've blown up complain about it.”
Services at the Church Of Twitter are brief; the preacher posts 'OMG' and the congregation retweets it.
Abner Deggent wore his scars with pride, except for the ping pong ball shaped one from an accident at a strip club in Singapore.
Arachnid-Kid's powers only allowed people to communicate telepathicly with one spider at a time, then he got crawl waiting.
Everyone admired Frogman's youthful ward, the little guy really toad the line.
- - - - - - - -
My latest anthology is available!
Click Here For Preview
- - - - - - - -
My story 'In Memory Alone' is in THE BEST OF FRIDAY FLASH
He had a penis and he had a blog. The blog generated more return visits.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Captain Hero and Amazing Ed were captured by the villain known as King Carpenter. Amazing Ed commented, “We are royally screwed.”
He called the baseball bat his 'Debate Club' because if you tried to debate him he grabbed it and did some expounding on your ass.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, his followers inevitably go right for the rough stuff.
The super hero known as the Black Squirrel returned from battleworld with a snazzy alien costume and a mouthful of strange nuts.
The difference between Stephanie Meyers fans and Tea Partiers is that TWILIGHT fans have actually read the documents they venerate.
Rex paid for his tuition by selling his sperm, he wasn't the first student to exhaust himself with day long cramming sessions.
The Furry Separatists were led by General Cuddlesworth; he was a dangerous man and not to be yiffed with.
The ninja crept into the crowded dining hall to masturbate, no one heard him coming.
It took years of experimentation but he finally managed to combine sandwich with a six string- now he was everyone's guitar hero.
She mocked religious people for rejecting science but refused to get her kids immunized because of something a supermodel said.
“You idiot!” Dave stared at the gown with 'Rick' embroidered on the front, “I said I wanted your name and ADDRESS!”
Many were confused when Quentin Tarantino opened a gourmet coffee shop but for him it was just another trip to the grindhouse.
Once again Greg critically injured himself by injecting hot water into his rectum. He had always been his own worst enema.
In The Shadow Of His Nemesis
Chapter Eighty Six
By AL BRUNO III
Saturday, December 4th 1996
They made him kneel.
They made Jason Magwier kneel in the blood spattered snow even though his right knee was broken. When the pain made him grow faint a drone held him in place so Mr. Sauno could burn Runes of Enfeeblement into the man’s forehead. Galen Delaworg was face down on the ground, his arms and legs had been chained behind his back with manacles made from reenforced silver alloy.
“Why are we doing this?” Ms. McGlade asked, “Wouldn’t an injection be easier?”
“Not with a Vlodek,” Piers Sauno explained as he returned the laser brand to his jacket pocket. He gave Magwier’s wounded leg a nudge, “And as for this one... well I’m not taking any chances.”
Magwier cleared his throat with a weak laugh, “Little do they know we’ve got them right where we want them. Right Galen?”
Galen didn’t say anything, he’d been silent since his capture.
Mr. Sauno shook his head, “Even now he jokes. Amazing. Infuriating.”
The drones were methodically searching through the wreckage of Laurel House searching for any items that might be of use to the Monarchs. The surviving donnrup were clustered in a little circle, trying to stay warm.
“What will we do with the other three? Zeth, Hao and Isobel?” Ms. McGlade asked, “I so want to speak to Isobel one last time.”
“I’m sure you do.”
“I don’t know if I should be grateful or angry.”
“Why not be both?” Mr. Sauno chuckled, “But ultimately Helen will have to decide how best to deal with her. Doubtless she is...”
The handsome man in the perfect suit paused, one hand reached for his temple. His expression became crazed. “Helen...”
Cheryl McGlade imitated his posture, “How can this be?”
“Oh dear,” Jason Magwier said, “has something gone wrong?”
“You,” Mr. Sauno pointed at him, “what have you done?”
“Anticipated the future,” Magwier grinned and then shrugged, “...well mostly.”
Five of the drones stopped working and marched towards the prisoners.
Ms. McGlade’s voice trembled, “So much pain. So suddenly.”
“What did you expect?” Magwier said, “You wanted life. Life is pain little Monarch. Even for you.”
“You want to talk about pain?” Mr. Sauno’s expression was monstrous. He was crying and his tears were burnt orange, the color of his blood.
The five drones surrounded Jason Magwier. Acting on an unspoken signal they began to rain blows down upon him.
The actual article has all the other examples but 'Stranger In The Alps' is a favorite of mine...
Monday, October 18, 2010
And most nights it’s more than one.
Lora Cusack ended her shift at the offices of Midon Incorporated, she worked in the Human Resources department and irony of that never failed to irritate her.
None of the men working in the office ever gave her a second glance so she was able to leave without questions about how she was going to spend her weekend or worse yet some clumsy gallant offering to walk her out to her car. She hid her beauty beneath plain looking skirts, blouses and glasses that completed a look the other office girls called ‘librarian chic’. Of course they only said things like that behind her back but Lora heard them anyway.
All around her were decorations; orange streamers, rubber spiders and gaudy pumpkins. Alone in the hallway she paused to tear a particularly festive looking cardboard skeleton from the wall.
Holidays are the worst; no matter how much she tries to incapacitate herself with eggnog every Christmas is marked with a home invasion, Arbor day isn’t so bad but the less said about Friday the thirteenth the better.
And Halloween? Halloween was the worst of all.
Once she arrived at her mirrorless apartment on Lark Street she busied herself with laundry and fixing dinner. She kept the radio tuned to the news channel and paused occasionally to savor a particularly grisly story.
Soon enough her doorbell was ringing away with early trick or treaters, the young and the timid. She kept candy on hand to be neighborly but never answered the door on the first ring.
It was generations ago, a story of witchcraft and betrayal, a story a sisterhood and loss. In the story she had a different name, a sacred name that she had loved. She had carried herself with such pride but she had been brought down, her beauty and her skin peeled away.
And though her fingers had been broken and her tongue torn away the daemon lord Gesichtschatten heard her call.
By sundown the butterflies in her stomach had become a full fledged anxiety. “How many?” she asked herself, “Why didn’t I keep count from the start?”
All the self-reassurances and justifications can’t relax her, the six glasses of wine didn’t help either- she’s still sober and afraid.
Lora always kept a box of knives under the sink, she selected one and changed into an outfit as dark as it was simple; she took her car keys but left her useless glasses behind. Once she was on the interstate she pulled off her wig; the gray locks that fell to her shoulders were a sharp contrast to her youthful features.
An hour or so away from Albany she parked the car in an unfamiliar town and began.
The daemon lord Gesichtschatten is tall with skin the color of smoke and eyes like winter starlight. He’s more than happy to hear her plea and grant her request for one more day, one more day of life and strength to avenge her coven and herself.
In fact he offers her even more than that and like a fool she accepts.
On a quiet street a Lora asked a man for directions and as he answered she stabbed him in the throat.
That’s one and this time she’s kept count, for all the good it will do her.
In an alley she stomped a vagrant to death as he begged first for change, then for mercy. There’s something familiar and satisfying about the way each crack of bone seems to travel like a shiver up her leg.
Then it’s off to the Wal Mart…
One day for every 13 lives.
And that was more than enough.
More than enough to strike down the so-called forces of decency; more than enough to visit horror upon their loved ones and burn the entire town to the ground.
And she waited for the end.
The security guard was just showing off, just daring someone to stop her but as always luck, skill and the gifts of her patron protected her from prying eyes. She stowed his body in a bathroom stall and avoided her reflection as she headed back out into the night.
A little while later and a few streets away Lora strangled a woman at a secluded bus stop with her own purse strap; then she disemboweled a convenient man standing in a convenient doorway.
All the while families went door to door with costumes and bags of candy never knowing there was a nightmare in their midst.
She had never had a head for numbers and never bothered to keep track of how many she had snuffed out and as the first week of her restoration wore on thoughts of her death and its aftermath began to trouble her. Would the daemon lord make a meal of her or a concubine? And which fate would be more terrible?
Soon enough she starts killing again, piling body upon body but this time out of fear instead of rage.
If only she had kept count…
By midnight she’s left a house party in ruins; blood clots in the sink, bits of skull cling to the fireplace poker and the fireplace itself is clogged with bubbling flesh. Red stained the carpets and ran in symmetrical rivulets along the kitchen tiles, there are body parts in the washing machine, pets in the dryer and the microwave door hung open letting the remains of what she had found in the bassinet seep out.
The festive costumes her victims are wearing make the scene all the more surreal.
If anyone saw the woman leaving the darkened house on Kings Road all they would remember was her red hair bright as fire.
And now she lives century after century in fear, weary of living but afraid to die, giving herself over to bloodlust in the night only to curse herself in the morning.
She sometimes wonders if this is what the daemon lord wanted all along- a legacy of death and fear. She had never wanted to be a monster or worse yet a legend..
Home again by morning, she left her bloodstained clothes in the doorway and climbed into bed. It was just a few hours before she had to get ready for work.
Soon enough she would have to move on again before someone realized the circle of bodies centered on her, on the woman children called Hell Mary.
But she hadn’t called herself Mary for generations and every night she paid the price for her life rather than pay the cost of her sins.