Friday, September 11, 2009

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Six

A lifetime later he still kept a photograph of his old love hidden away, he never suspected that his wife knew and understood.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Six

Jeff found that prison was a lot like high school except with slightly more sodomy.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Five

The meeting of the Morality Action Group became so heated that an orgy broke out. Later they blamed the television.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Four

“The difference between a succubus and a poetess is that a succubus won't make you listen to her poems before she eats your soul.”

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Three

Captain Hero offered to reform Doomsday Girl, she offered to ruin him- both left the encounter tempted but alone.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Two

Once HP Lovecraft was resurrected from his essential salts he promptly began suing the Hell out of everybody.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty One

Inspired by recent political events Gary shouted “YOU LIE!” at an employee meeting. The District Manager burst into tears and agreed.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty

One by one the Muses were driven out of Olympus by the gods of remakes, fan fiction and sampling.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Nine

Jason Magwier knew that if you were a shape shifter you went through a lot of shoes.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Eight

The Olympic Committee had to choose between D&D or Co-Ed Mud Wrestling as new events. No one expected them be combined instead.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Seven

After years of chanting and ceremonies Madame Tara was contacted by the spirit world. They told her to shut the Hell up.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Six

There were to things Audra never seemed to have enough of; spell components and clean panties.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Five

Every night the super team The Local Heroes went on patrol, excerpt for Sundays- that was the pot luck dinner.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Four

He road off into the sunset, it was all in another days' work for Slim Griffin: Grief Councilor of the Wild Frontier.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Three

In a war between super heroes and mobsters no matter who lost only the cliches won.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Two

Fuego and Rusty Johnson captured one of the dreaded Shellfish Gang, but then they lobster.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy One

Special Agent Mario Krump went through each suspects' file until his suspicions were confirmed, they were all idiots.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy

By and by the family lost interest in the dog but he never lost interest in them, and that made it worse.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Nine

“It was the Devil's picnic and we were the ants.”

Thursday, September 10, 2009

[INSANE NEWS] Man smashes car into store to steal sex toy

Man smashes car into store to steal sex toy
From The Chronicle Telegram Chronicle Online

BROWNHELM TWP. — The thief who crashed his car through AdultMart here early Wednesday knew exactly what he wanted: He picked up a $300 sex toy, discarded it for a smaller, less expensive model and then drove off — all of which was captured quite clearly on security video.

Meet Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov

I thank and curse Scott Redmond for making me aware of this

All text is from his blog... there's not much more I could add...

Meet Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov. The man thought to have the longest name in Norway. It is not mentioned in the article, but I believe he's still available. Ladies, snap this fine gentleman up before it's too late. A big fan of television and movies, most notably Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, he kept adding more and more names into the mix to see what was legally allowable. Others may collect artwork, baseball cards, or other rarities. This man collects names. And chins. It's obscured by the beard, but I can tell he's got at least two there.

And so it is that Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov gets the coveted Craw Fu salute for gaining international recognition while having no apparent marketable skills. That's not as easy a task as you might think.

Come for the Bikini Chicks and 5 Second Fictions, Stay For The Crass Marketing!

Well, it's been a few months so I figured that once again I would take you on a tour through the world of Al Bruno III merchandise. Have your wallets ready.

In The Pit
This is the comic book I wrote, that sadly it never made it past the first issue. Too bad I had envisioned a fantastic tale of serial killers, Canadian pro wrestlers and exploding toilets. Still though I think you might enjoying reading the first issue, it is still available as a PDF file. There are also some preview pages at the site below.

Some of my best work is available from the fine folks at Eden Studios. My contribution to their game lines has been mainly in the area of fiction. The rules and setting information was written by other very capable folks like Richard Dakan, CJ Carella, Jack Emmert, George Vasilakos and M. Alexander Jurkat. Believe me, they did all the hard work. If you are a fan of role-playing games or a fan of zombie movies then the books below are going to be right up your alley.

Enter the dark world of survival horror. The Dead walk among us. This role-playing game allows you to play in a world infested by the walking dead. The main rulebook includes rules for character creation, combat and everything else you need to play in a world of survival horror. Also detailed are the multiple campaign settings so you can customize the type of "deadworld" you wish to explore.232 pages.Hardcover.Cover Art by Christopher Shy.

Click here for ordering information

A must-have reference for All Flesh Must Be Eaten, the Zombie Master's Screen is filled with charts and tables. From fear to weapons to outcomes, every reference that a prepared Zombie Master needs is packed onto a four-panel screen. The flip side of the screen scares and delights the players with full-color zombie images. The Screen is packed with a 48-page booklet, including a ready-to-run adventure introducing the Cast Member to the horrors of a zombie plague, and pregenerated characters with complete bios, statistics and resource information. Cover Art by Christopher Shy and George Vasilakos.

Click here for ordering information

Written by Richard DakanThe first supplement to All Flesh Must Be Eaten opens whole new vistas for a walking dead campaign. This tome brings together the thrills of Hong Kong action films and the excitement of flesh-craving horror. The match of these two genres may not have seemed obvious at first, but the pleasures that arise from it are undeniable. After all, zombies and Hong Kong style action make a perfect fit. What better match is there for a relentless series of lightning kicks and a hurricane of bullets than a target that can’t die? The pulse-pounding danger just never stops. Besides, what martial arts master worth his salt doesn't ache for the ability to use his own intestines as a deadly whip? For the undead, no problem!Softcover.Cover Art by Christopher Shy.

Click here for ordering information

Written by Al Bruno III, CJ Carella, David F. Chapman, Patrick SweenyBased on the original concept by George Vasilakos and Ross IsaacsEdited by M. Alexander Jurkat, David F. ChapmanCover art by Jeff ReitzInterior Art by Storn Cook, Thomas Denmark, Talon Dunning, DW Gross, Jon Hodgson, Chris Keefe, Jason Millet, Matt Morrow, James Powers, Gregory Price, George Vasilakos From the creators of All Flesh Must Be Eaten, similar in style but this time . . . with apes! Terra Primate has no specific setting. The only constant is the concept of intelligent apes. Planet of the Apes is a movie about intelligent apes, but then again so is Congo. As long as the characters are interacting with intelligent apes -- or are intelligent apes themselves! -- the game could be set in the pulp era of adventure, on a post-apocalyptic Earth, on a faraway alien planet, or downtown on Main Street. The main rulebook includes rules for character creation, combat and everything else you need to play in a world where man is the missing link! Also detailed are the multiple campaign settings so you can customize the type of "Apeworld" you wish to explore.

Click here for ordering information

a novel of horror and obsession

To all outward appearances John Sig is just an old man living a quietly in an empty old house. His one pleasure is when he heads down to the local diner and visits with his favorite waitress Angie. When Angie disappears, John sets out to find her. For an ordinary old man that might seem like a foolish idea but John Sig isn't human, he's a monster living in the shadow of a nightmare thirty -five years old.

The Reviews at speak for themselves!

Maelich ***** (5 stars) "Buy this book..."
Pam From Texas **** (4 stars)" I Loved This Book!"

BeBop Cowboy ** (2 stars) "Just the Facts as I see them..."

And now a teaser chapter from In the Midnight of His Heart free of charge and free of context.

* * *
April 26, 1993

The sight of blood crusting the welcome mat was enough to make Phil decide to investigate further. The doorknob was streaked with red, so was the keyhole. He broke into John's house easily and with a flush of guilty pride that he still had the touch. Pocketing the forty year old lockpick set he stepped inside, his footsteps echoing in the naked room. “Love what you've done with the place.” he muttered to himself.

In the two days since the incident Phil like to think of as the 'McDonald land Massacre' he’d neither seen nor heard from John. Ordinarily that wouldn't have worried him, after all it wouldn't be the first time that old coot had gotten fed up with him. But there was an article in today's Troy Record that got him worrying.

Phil stopped dead in the front hall. He bent unsteadily and carefully examined the pile of tattered clothes. They were stiff with dried blood. Where they John's? Or somebody else's?

They were too ruined for him to be certain. There were bloody footprints everywhere, steeling himself for the worst Phil followed one of the trails into the kitchen.

The newspaper article that got him worried was about the bodies of three drug addicts the police had found in the lobby of an abandoned hotel. They had been mutilated beyond recognition; the police could only theorize that the bodies had been eaten by rats or a pack of feral dogs. Now ordinarily Phil would have read an article like that and chuckled to himself but the thing that stuck in his craw was where the bodies had been found. That building had been abandoned for almost a century now and it was the largest eyesore in Troy’s ever-growing repertoire of eyesores. It was also where the remnants of the original Pharos team had risen up against the Project’s founder Victor Kovach.

The floorboards creaked underfoot but Phil was too lost in thought to hear. They way the bodies had been found had also set him worrying. Bodies had been found floating in the Hudson River thirty years ago in roughly the same condition. He wondered how long it would be before someone connected the dots between then and now.

The kitchen was a ruin of opened tins of SPAM and pastry boxes. The patches of dried blood were thick with crumbs and flecks of meat. Phil breathed heavily, this was bad. The rust-colored footprints lead back to the stairs, he followed them.

Three steps up the stairs something squished underfoot, oozing out from beneath the undersides of his sneakers. Reluctantly Phil looked down, relieved to see it was only vomit. Skirting as much of it as he hurried to the second floor. The blood trail led straight to John’s bedroom door. For a moment Phil considered just turning around and heading straight back home.

After all, what if he was still hungry?

But on the other hand, if not for John he’d be worse than dead.

Phil cautiously pushed open the door.

Pale sunlight streamed in through the cracked bedroom window. The only furniture was a bloody mattress; John lay on it, curled into the fetal position. His back was to Phil and his breath was coming in shuddering pants. He looked emaciated, like a starving animal. Phil felt his mouth go dry as his gaze lingered on the fist-sized exit wound in the man's back. The borders of the laceration were crusted and dark, but the center was wet and gleaming. He could just see the edge of John's spine.

Why the gun?”

Phil started at the sound of his John's voice, “What happened to you?”

Why did you bring a gun?” he said again.

Just in case.” his hand drifted to the .38 in his jacket pocket.

Just in case of what?”

Phil shook his head, “I don't know! Just in case.”

What kind of bullets are in it?”

John, stop talking nonsense and let me help you.” he drew closer.

Do you have regular bullets in there?” he rolled over and glared at Phil. It looked as though the lower half of his body had been soaked blood, there was a bullet wound in his gut. His face was drawn, his eyes were feverish and resentful, “Or the expensive kind?”

You're hurt. I need to call Zara.” he looked around, “Where's your phone?”

After all this time... you still don't trust me.” he set his good leg down beneath him and stood, “No matter how hard I try, I don't belong.”

Phil put a hand up, “Look just calm down and get back on the bed before something falls out of you.”

What was it Victor said about me? Too much a monster to be a man,” he hobbled forward, every step threatening to pitch him forward, “Too much a man to be a monster.”

Phil shrugged nervously, “Victor also said that no one could stop him. We stopped him didn’t we?”

Kill me.”


He drew closer, “I'm a murderer.”

So am I, what's your point?” Phil took an involuntary step backwards.

When I reach you I'm going to tear your throat out.” the sunlight cast John's face in shadow, making his expression unreadable, “Just like those men in the hotel.”


I might even attempt the Metastasis.” he said, “Hell I might even get lucky, even the best enchantments fade over time.”

I'm not going to kill you.”

Then why did you bring the gun?”

Phil muttered “Fuck.” under his breath and took another step back. He was in the hall now, one if his hands snaked into his jacket and wrapped around the comforting weight of the pistol.

That's it.” John cooed as he limped closer.

Don't make me...” he shook his head, “don't you dare fuckin' make me.”

There's no telephone here Phil and even if the neighbors hear your screams, they wouldn't get here in time.”

Phil's back hit the wall, cursing himself he drew the gun, “John-”

There is no John, there never was.” he took another unsteady step forward, “He was an affectation, a role to play. I am Sig! And I am alone.”

I don't believe that.”

You know it.” he was close now, close enough for Phil to smell the stink blood and shit on him. Tears ran down his cheeks, “You're going to die if you don't shoot.”


And then when I'm done with you maybe I'll pay Zara a visit and do all the things-”

Fucker!” Phil swung the barrel of the pistol down catching John on the side of the head. Gasping, John dropped to his knees. Phil swung the pistol again, striking this time on the other side of John’s head, sending him sprawling. Phil stood over him and took aim.

There was a long silence broken only by John's trembling whisper, “Do it.”

Phil looked from the supine form to the gun in his hand and back again. He lowered the weapon, “I can't- I could never-”

I am alone.” sobs racked his body. His head was in his hands, his fists tangled in his long silver hair. He wailed again, “I am alone.”

* * *

So there we are, the Al Bruno III product line. Hopefully there will be new things available soon. Also, I am sorry to note that the erotic lithographs of me are no longer available.

The Hot Chicks Version of 12 ANGRY MEN

You know the only thing that scares me about this kind of thing is that eventually someone is going to create a Fat Sweaty Guys version of BIKINI CARWASH.

(Then again Darcknyt and I could audition for the lead roles in it...)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Price Breaks and Heartaches: part sixteen

The story you are looking for has been relocated and retooled.

If you can't find one of your favorite chapters don't worry, it'll be back!

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Eight

Since being dead is a pre-existing medical condition, few zombies have health care of any sort.


At long last my blog has had at least one visitor from all 50 states.

Whoever you are out there in Montana and North Dakota thanks for visiting and I hope to see you again.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Seven

Luchador crimefighter Fuego was on disability for 12 weeks after throwing his back out fighting robots and Aztec mummies.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Six

“and I was filled with sepulcherous dread at the hint of playthings hidden in my house- the BRATZ in the walls.”

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Five

Fearful of the spread of socialism many Americans fled to an island where they survived by sharing resources and responsibilities.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Four

The monster was built from body parts of celebrities that died young. It was horrible to look at but damn well knew how to party.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Three

The morbidly obese Agent Krump kept shooting fleeing suspects in the legs until Homeland Security bought him a Segway.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Two

Once it was decided that shaky cam films were passe, shaky movie screens became all the rage.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty One

Captain Hero had no powers aside from his noble heart and better than average people skills- a rare thing in his business.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty

Each night John Sig heard beatings and abuse going on next door; but even after he killed everyone there he still couldn't sleep.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Nine

He was a magician by trade so no matter how much stripper glitter transferred to his clothes his wife never suspected a thing.

Monday, September 7, 2009

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Eight

Captain Hero founded the super team known as the Local Heroes, they fought crime and attended the occasonal mall opening.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Seven

Whenever he ran naked in a thunderstorm it was always the same thing, a quick flash and a huge crack.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Six

Magwier awoke with a gasp and found the satin lined walls of a coffin pressing in around him. “Not again.” he groaned.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Five

There was a fine line between what was erotic and what was weird; Karl spent his life moving the goalposts.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Four

Rebooting an entire starship was a dangerous business but the Persea was light years from the nearest software upgrade.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Three

Time travelers ruined the joy of rare coin collecting for everyone.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Two

Captain Hero found the big city superheroes intimidating with their actual superpowers, gleaming costumes and armies of lawyers.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty One

'Disposable fingers' The thought woke him up in the middle of the night and kept him awake till dawn.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty

The unmanned deep space mission was really a plot to get rid of all the really sarcastic robots.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Nine

As far as Agent Krump was concerned having your gout inflamed by bad takeout food was an injury in the line of duty.

5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Eight

At last Captain Hero told Doomsday Girl he loved her, she still thew him down a well but she was blushing when she did it