Friday, December 17, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Two

Rescuing the starlet was just like Amazing Ed imagined, except that instead of “My hero!” She cried “Ew! This nerd is touching me!”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty One

After losing his treasure in the Valley of the Wolf Men Abner Deggent was barking mad.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty

Bob started carrying a change of underwear in his valise, upgrading it to a brief case.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Nine

Just because her store sold used shrimp he didn't think of it as a some kind of a Prawn Shop.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Eight

Now everyone knew who was naughty or nice. Santa shook his mittened fist in the air, “Damn you Wikileaks! DAMN YOUUUU!”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Seven

When her vampire lover watched her sleep she found it romantic. When he spied on her using the toilet? Not so much.

The Adventures Of Superhero Girl Brings The FOOM!

(Recommended Reads) "Musketeers" by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith

Jonno’s leaving do was declared a resounding success. Lots of tequila, a £50 fruit machine win which bought more tequila, a minor scuffle with some townies, and even a slap from a stripper – administered to Jonno himself no less, which was the icing on the cake. The rest of the lads piled into taxis and Jonno, Richard and I set off for my flat. I had some cans of beer stashed away there which would help take us down gently from the tequila buzz. After all, Jonno had to be at his folks’ in a couple of hours for his farewell breakfast, so we had to sober him up a bit...

click here to read the rest

(Recommended Reads) "The Two Worlds of Franky Benítez" by Julio Ricardo Varela

Imagine Franky Benítez hiding on a subway platform in Boston and humming the song his father improvised twenty years ago outside a cinema in Santurce.

We love you, Franky.
Oh yes we do.
We love you, Franky.
We love you true.
When you’re not with me,
We’re blue.
Oh, Franky, we love you.

And as he hums, Franky Benítez enters a green trolley that cradles him back to his days of final comfort: August, 1976, the rear of a station wagon, sucking on a bottle of chocolate milk.

His abuelo drives. His mother smokes. A week had passed since the judge formally decreed his parents’ divorce, and now here was Franky Benítez, his mother and his baby sister, three passengers checking into Eastern Airlines Flight 17 nonstop to El Bronx, Nueva York...

click here to read the rest

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Six

No one suspected Namor's affair with one of the girls from the Scooby gang until their discovery of their daughter Aqua-Velma.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Five

When you worship the messiah of the blood gods it is almost inevitable that you will take your Lord's name in vein.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Four

Far worse than being captured and anal probed by aliens was being captured by aliens and forced to clean their used anal probes.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

CORPSE WARS: Attack Of The Crones episode seven


Attack of the Crones

episode seven


Al Bruno III

...bullets rattled against the Hummer. Harry gunned the engine, the vehicle leapt forward. Old ladies and soldiers alike scrambled for safety. The Hummer screeched out of the motor pool, tore through the spaces between the buildings and careened around corners. They crashed through the gallows, splintering wood and sending at least three penitent workers flying over the wall. Gunfire erupted from all sides. Alec, Ken and Mark tried to duck down but Tony was curled into a ball across their laps.

Mark yelled, “Just use the rocket! Get us out of here!”

“Ah-ah-ah.” Pete shook his head and kept his head down.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m all out of hope!” Ken shouted, “One more bad dream could bring a fall!”

Harry shouted, “Firing a LAW rocket is not like playing Nintendo boy! If he misses we’ve lost our one try, and if he fires it while we’re driving it might send the shot wide or knock the back blast right into us!”

The Humvee sped around another turn; they were heading back towards the ruined gallows. Tony looked up, “We just went in a circle! Do you know what you’re doing? Was this trip really necessary?”

“Somebody shut him up.” Harry made another turn and now they were heading back towards the motor pool. The soldiers were helping Miss Blackwood and the other blue hairs back up. They had to dive for cover again but one of the crones was too slow and she bounced over the hood of the vehicle with a sickening crunch.

Mark winced. A pair of yellowed false teeth flew through the shattered passenger side window and landed on Tony. Everyone in the back of the Humvee screamed at once.

The moment they were back in the motor pool Harry hit the brakes but left the vehicle’s engine running.

Harry and Pete dove out of the Hummer and slammed the motor pool’s garage door and other entrances closed before any of their dazed pursuers could react. The two men started trying to barricade the room with anything they could find. “You guys better get out here and help!” Harry shouted.

They all scrambled out, grabbing hold of desks, cabinets and heavy machinery. Tony brought over a wooden stool and an auto parts manual. Alec gave him a glare but Tony just shrugged, “I said I have a bad back.”

“Lord love a duck.” Alec said.

Mark asked, “What about the back door?”

Pete gave him a confused glance, “Hm?”

“There is no back door.” Harry said, they could already hear, pounding, gunshots and angry voices. “Just steel and concrete.”

The garage door began to shudder with the impact of their attackers’ fists and impromptu battering rams. “What happens when they get in here?” Mark asked.

Alec shook his head, “I’d rather not think about that if it is all the same thank you very much.”

“Sheesh.” Pete said.

“Well…” Harry said, “…there is always the option of not being taken alive.”

“We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks!” Ken turned his attention back to the Humvee.

Mark shook his head with disbelief, “Are you saying we should kill ourselves?”

Harry shrugged, “It’s an option.”

“This is our escape plan?” Tony dropped the roll of paper towels he was carrying to barricade the door, “Drive around in circles and then shoot ourselves?”

“Well, that would be an escape wouldn’t it?” Alec said, “In a permanent sense of the word.”

Harry shouted, “What the Hell do you want me to say? It’s not my fault!”

“We’re doomed!” Tony was stumbling in circles like he might faint, no one made a move to catch him, “Doomed!”

There was a deafening explosion. Shards of brick and steel pelted them. Smoke filled the air. Blinking and coughing Mark looked up expecting to see his executioners standing before him, but the barricades were still holding. Groggily he turned to see Ken holding the smoldering LAW rocket and the back wall of the motor pool blasted open. Through the haze he could see the abandoned streets and zombies, some blown to pieces and others just staring emptily at them.

Pete nodded approvingly, “Ha!”

“Genius!” Harry laughed, “Pure genius.”

“Yes I am the warrior!” Ken dropped the spent LAW and pumped his fist, “Victory is mine.”

The surviving zombies were already starting to close in. “Back inside!” Alec clambered into the passenger seat, the rest crammed into the back. Harry got behind the wheel and hit the gas.

As the Humvee sped out into the night Mark glanced back at the zombies wandering in through the hole in the wall. He didn’t want to think about what would happen when Miss Blackwood’s enraged followers forced their way into the motor pool. Would they be able to contain the invasion or would they be overrun?

The thought he was abandoning his parents made him feel a little sick. Without them he wouldn’t have ever been born, he wouldn’t have clothes on his back and he would never have seen his first Star Wars movie.

They might have seen the movies, Mark thought as he hugged his duffel bag close, but they never learned from them did they?

They had never learned that fear led to anger and anger led to hate and hate led to suffering. He could only hope that what he and his friends were doing now would lead to something better, that they might make a heroic stand against a world gone mad.

Or at the very least that they might find another codpiece for his stormtrooper outfit.

The End

(Insane News) Possibly the greatest advertisement this week.


KARACHI, Pakistan, Dec. 16 (UPI) -- A Pakistani advertising campaign for the Butterfly brand of sanitary pads is drawing attention with its topical humor slogan: "WikiLeaks. Butterfly doesn't."...

Article on UPI


Link va FARK

The Tale Of The Hitman And The Grocery Store

Back in NY there was a hit man named Arthur that lived in an apartment above a grocery store. One time he strangled 3 mobsters he really hated for only a buck. It was such a big deal they put a sign in the grocery store window- ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR....

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Three

Lester lived in a future where organ transplants were earned via a variant of WHEEL OF FORTUNE. He said, “I'd like to buy a bowel.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Two

Jan was proud to have become a policewoman but then her older sister outdid her. She cried out, “Marshall! Marshall! Marshall!”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty One

She missed dial up modems and BBSes, she preferred getting into a pointless arguments with people from her area code.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty

The church team agreed to play the Gay Mens Soccer League just as long as no balls were touched.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Nineteen

She had a thing for garbage men. Maybe it was their hats, maybe it was their uniforms, or maybe it was just their flies.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighteen

The only reason the maestro of the River City orchestra survived the Electric Assassin's attack was that he was a poor conductor.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventeen

Amazing Ed tried to open a can of whoopass but somehow locked himself in the pantry.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixteen

Most evil-doers found the Electric Assassin's rates exorbitant but sometimes there was no charge.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifteen

Lola was an exotic dancer that wore nothing but gleaming latex, so she got used to people calling in search of a paint stripper.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fourteen

Love of small birds and beer led to him being visited by the ghosts of Christmas Pabst, Christmas Pheasants and Christmas Fuchsia.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirteen

The intervention for his sex addiction never really got started because he wouldn't get the damn hooker off his face.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twelve

The cultists had summoned a burning, tentacled, lamprey- mouthed space god and worst of all it had brought its home movies.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eleven

She kept trying to find a way to travel to the moon for free but there is no free launch.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Ten

“I awoke to find my apartment filled with ceramic figurines,” Jason Magwier said. “It wasn't one of my more precious moments.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Nine

Captain Hero took Amazing Ed aside, “Tight budget or not the pink fuzzy handcuffs in your utility belt have got to go.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eight

She was a video game nymphomaniac and couldn't wait to link his Wii up with her Xbox.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seven

Abner Deggent wasn't the kind of man to bring a knife to a gunfight but once he had brought a chainsaw to a quilting bee.