Friday, December 17, 2010
After losing his treasure in the Valley of the Wolf Men Abner Deggent was barking mad.
Bob started carrying a change of underwear in his valise, upgrading it to a brief case.
Just because her store sold used shrimp he didn't think of it as a some kind of a Prawn Shop.
Now everyone knew who was naughty or nice. Santa shook his mittened fist in the air, “Damn you Wikileaks! DAMN YOUUUU!”
When her vampire lover watched her sleep she found it romantic. When he spied on her using the toilet? Not so much.
Jonno’s leaving do was declared a resounding success. Lots of tequila, a £50 fruit machine win which bought more tequila, a minor scuffle with some townies, and even a slap from a stripper – administered to Jonno himself no less, which was the icing on the cake. The rest of the lads piled into taxis and Jonno, Richard and I set off for my flat. I had some cans of beer stashed away there which would help take us down gently from the tequila buzz. After all, Jonno had to be at his folks’ in a couple of hours for his farewell breakfast, so we had to sober him up a bit...
No one suspected Namor's affair with one of the girls from the Scooby gang until their discovery of their daughter Aqua-Velma.
Far worse than being captured and anal probed by aliens was being captured by aliens and forced to clean their used anal probes.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Back in NY there was a hit man named Arthur that lived in an apartment above a grocery store. One time he strangled 3 mobsters he really hated for only a buck. It was such a big deal they put a sign in the grocery store window- ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR....
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
In The Shadow Of His Nemesis
Chapter Ninety Four
By AL BRUNO III
Saturday, December 4th 1996
My brother is dead. The thought tolled through her mind like the clang of a broken bell. My brother is dead.
Isobel was standing outside the Great House staring into the open doorway. The sound of the helicopter and the thick growl of Sig’s voice almost drowned out the sound of chanting coming from inside.
My brother is dead.
“Isobel?” Sig had given up trying to tell his story to her. His hunched bestial form moved into her field of vision, “You don’t want to look. You don’t have to see what’s coming.”
“What’s she doing in there?” Isobel shivered but not from the cold. She had forgotten about the cold long ago.
The vlodek explained, his voice had an edge of uncertainty to it, “Calling up one of the Dread Lords. I know the ceremony, by reputation. They need flesh to occupy. Without it they’re too frail.”
My brother is dead. She thought again. My brother is dead because of me. He suffered because of me.
But he had never held her responsible, even though it was her affair that had ruined her life and ended his. Somehow in the midst of all this they had become closer than they had ever been in childhood, when she had been so very bossy and disdainful and he had grown fatter and sadder by the year.
“I cannot be part of what’s coming,” Sig said, “the Monarchs know me. I’m marked.”
The voice echoing from the doorway of the Great House had begun to sing in a language that sounded Oriental to Isobel’s straining ears. It took a few seconds for her to realize what he had said, “Marked?”
“I sinned against their Chosen One. Crippled him. Perhaps forever. They would sense me if I got too close.”
The song had become a caterwauling nonsense, the voice singing it was no longer recognizable to Isobel, it was no human sound. For some reason it made her think of the smokey wave that had torn them from the Spaces Between. Why had it singled her out? Was it marking her as Sig had been marked?
Did it even matter?
My brother is dead. Hasn’t that already marked me? Haven’t I sinned against him?
“I can take you away from here,” Sig said, “you don’t have to be a part of this. Not if you don’t want to. If you make yourself a part of Hao’s revenge or Magwier’s war it will destroy you.”
The thought of running was tempting but she couldn’t. Galen had saved her from Sauno and Ginmett and even if she hadn’t loved him, even if he was a traitor to his own kind and even if he was a creature far removed from humanity she would have felt bound to return the favor.
“I’m...” the words caught in her throat as she saw a shape walking through the doorway, a shape familiar yet utterly alien to her.
A single gunshot and a screeching mechanical crash filled the air but no one at the Great House noticed.
I’m already destroyed. Was what she had been about to say. Because my brother is dead.
Lester lived in a future where organ transplants were earned via a variant of WHEEL OF FORTUNE. He said, “I'd like to buy a bowel.”
Jan was proud to have become a policewoman but then her older sister outdid her. She cried out, “Marshall! Marshall! Marshall!”
She missed dial up modems and BBSes, she preferred getting into a pointless arguments with people from her area code.
The church team agreed to play the Gay Mens Soccer League just as long as no balls were touched.
She had a thing for garbage men. Maybe it was their hats, maybe it was their uniforms, or maybe it was just their flies.
The only reason the maestro of the River City orchestra survived the Electric Assassin's attack was that he was a poor conductor.
Amazing Ed tried to open a can of whoopass but somehow locked himself in the pantry.
Most evil-doers found the Electric Assassin's rates exorbitant but sometimes there was no charge.
Lola was an exotic dancer that wore nothing but gleaming latex, so she got used to people calling in search of a paint stripper.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Love of small birds and beer led to him being visited by the ghosts of Christmas Pabst, Christmas Pheasants and Christmas Fuchsia.
The intervention for his sex addiction never really got started because he wouldn't get the damn hooker off his face.
The cultists had summoned a burning, tentacled, lamprey- mouthed space god and worst of all it had brought its home movies.
She kept trying to find a way to travel to the moon for free but there is no free launch.
“I awoke to find my apartment filled with ceramic figurines,” Jason Magwier said. “It wasn't one of my more precious moments.”
Captain Hero took Amazing Ed aside, “Tight budget or not the pink fuzzy handcuffs in your utility belt have got to go.”
She was a video game nymphomaniac and couldn't wait to link his Wii up with her Xbox.
Abner Deggent wasn't the kind of man to bring a knife to a gunfight but once he had brought a chainsaw to a quilting bee.