The Daily Show addresses the recent death threats against the creators of SOUTH PARK.
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
South Park Death Threats
The Daily Show addresses the recent death threats against the creators of SOUTH PARK.
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
South Park Death Threats
Many were turned off by the sheer number of hairy warts on her neck but it was a positive boon to her career as a vampire hunter.
He loved watching movies of women inhaling powdered tobacco but snuff films are hard to come by.
I sat on the curb, once more looking at the picture that sat in my hand. It was all I had. Everything I had to try to explain to Julie's family and work and other friends that she no longer existed. Except, they knew she no longer existed. At least, they knew that she didn't exist. I knew this because I'd been trying to tell them for the past three weeks. But they didn't believe me, because as far as anyone else knew, Julie had never existed. Her friends claimed they'd never met a Julie, even though they remembered everything about me. Her work said that they'd never hired such a person. Even her family showed no recognition, her home had no signs of her presence. It was as if she'd been unwritten from history.
I knew, though. I had this picture, and I had my memories of her. Whatever was affecting the entire world wasn't affecting me. And the only proof that I wasn't going crazy was this picture of Julie's diary slowly erasing itself while she held it in disbelief.
The day had started like any other day. It was mid-summer, and I had been enjoying my time off from school by sleeping in. Julie, of course, had other plans. She always did. So at the annoyingly early hour of nine in the morning, I awoke to the sound of panpipes whistling loudly in my ear. I sat up quickly, my arms flailing about, trying to get rid of the offending sound.
Julie hopped back, laughing that enchantingly playful laugh of hers. Her smile was bright and intoxicating, and though I'd been woken up long before I'd planned on doing so, I found myself laughing right along with her. I rolled my eyes, and shook my head.
"Holy hell, Jules. How did you get in?"
"Your parents let me in, just like they always do. Heck, I might as well have my own key by this point."
She was right, of course. Julie and I had been friends and neighbors since we were five. Now, twelve years later, she was like a sister to me, albeit a sister that used her love of exotic flutes to wake me up long before I had planned. Her treachery really only left me with one option, and I went for that option with relish. I grabbed my pillow, and threw it at her. It flew through the air, landing with a satisfying thump against her face. She grabbed the pillow before it fell to the ground, threw it back at me, and proceeded to run towards the door. I just moved enough so that the pillow sailed harmlessly through the air and hit my wall.
"Anyway," she said, as she turned and looked at me from the doorway, "get up and get dressed. We're going to the beach today."
"Why are we going to the beach today? And what's my motivation for doing this? Other than avoiding having you assault my ears with your flute again, I mean."
"Panpipes. And because going to the beach will make me happy. And you'll get to see me in my new swimsuit."
"Oh sure! Keep using your breasts to get what you want! See if I care!" I shook my fist playfully at her. She gave me an annoyingly cute grin.
"I'll stop using them when they stop working!" And then she bounced down the hall, presumably to make a nuisance of herself to my parents.
I dragged myself from my bed, and began fishing through my drawers for my swimsuit. The beach was only an hour drive away, so there wasn't much reason to bring a change of clothes. Upon finding my swimsuit, I headed into the bathroom.
It took me all of twenty minutes to finish my morning routine and grab my camera bag, and then I attempted to track down Julie. It wasn't difficult. I just had to follow the pipe music. Julie was sitting out on my front porch, piping away like it was going out of style. I would have listened for a bit, but as soon as I stepped out of the door, Julie was up on her feet.
"Ready to go? I already told your parents where we'll be."
I nodded, grabbing my keys from the key hook near the door. "Sounds like we've got everything covered, then. Your car or mine?"
"Yours, duh. That way I don't have to pay for gas." She shot me one of her 'I'm cute and can get away with anything' grins as she said it. I rolled my eyes.
"More like yours might break down and stop working halfway there."
"Yeah, that too. Anyway, come on!" And then she was bounding towards my car, next to which she'd already dumped a pile of beach gear. I unlocked the trunk, but she made no move to put any of the gear in the car.
"I suppose it's my job to put this stuff in the car?" I gave her a mock-annoyed look. She shot back the world's cutest pout, her deep blue eyes looking like they might tear up. Damn theater students. I sighed, and put the towels and the inflatable toys into my trunk while Julie got into the passenger's seat.
After a few more minutes, we were on our way. It wouldn't be so bad, going to the beach. It was a nice day, and there were always plenty of people to photograph. Plus, Julie was good company. The entire way to the beach, we talked about nothing in particular. No different from any other conversations we'd normally have, except near the middle of our trip, she pulled out a small spiral notebook.
"What's that?" I asked, glancing from the road towards her.
"My journal. I've decided that I need to leave my wisdom and experience for future generations. I've been keeping the thing for about a month, writing in little notes and thoughts that I've had while doing whatever random thing."
I arched an eyebrow at her, chuckling lightly. "For future generations, huh? I suppose now you'll tell them what a horrible person you are for waking up your best friend before noon on his day off?"
"Actually," she smiled cutely at me, "the way history will remember it is that I saved you from a prison of your own mind, and guided you to your victory in the real world."
I would have responded, but I had to pay attention to the road since the exit was coming up. I rolled down the window before pulling off the freeway, breathing in the salty scent of a beach town. In a few more minutes, we were pulling up to a parking spot along side the boardwalk.
"First things first, she of the incredibly loud panpipes. I want a hamburger." I spoke in a mock-stern voice. She simply laughed, and saluted.
"Yes sir!" and then she was sliding out of the car, slinging her backpack onto one shoulder.
I stopped at the trunk to get my camera bag, and then we were walking across the street to a conveniently placed fast food joint. It was a tourist area; there were always conveniently placed fast food joints.
It was as we stepped in that things started going strange. The first thing I noticed was that a large number of men in black suits and sunglasses stood inside. Normally, even one or two would be weird to see in a beach-front fast food joint, but there were five of them in this one. They all sat at one table, drinking soda and eating hamburgers as if it wasn't the least bit out of the ordinary.
I turned to make a snarky comment to Julie about the oddness of it, when she gasped loudly.
"What? You alright?"
She held up her journal, and my jaw dropped. As I watched, the words were disappearing backwards, as if an invisible hand traced the letters and made the ink go away. I looked at Julie, and she simply shook her head in confusion.
My hand immediately went to my camera bag. This was too strange to not document. In seconds, I was snapping pictures while Julie kept turning the pages so that I could get pictures of the whole thing. I only got a few before things went haywire.
I heard the frantic moving of chairs, and saw the movement of the black suits out of the corner of my eye. For reasons I can only guess at, I stopped photographing, grabbed Julie's hand, and pulled her out of the restaurant.
"What...what are you doing? What's happening, Eddie?"
I could hear the confusion and fear in her voice. I was at least equally upset and fearful. But I kept steady, hoping that the people moving up and down the sidewalk would mask us.
"I don't know, alright? All I know is that in any Sci-Fi movie you can name, when something weird happens, and there's men in black suits and sunglasses nearby, it can only end in bad things!"
"This isn't an SF movie! Maybe they can explain it!"
"And maybe they're going to drug us so that we'll forget we saw anything. I don't want to find out!"
Sadly, the idea of people masking us turned out to be a false hope. We weren't even a block away before I looked back and saw the black suits moving quickly after us. They weren't running, but they were certainly moving at a quick pace.
I tugged on Julie's wrist and began running for all I was worth. She grunted and followed. I hated the look on her face. A look that spoke of confusion and fear made worse by my own reaction. I glanced back, and saw the black suits had begun running as well. I cursed, and shoved my camera into it's pouch so that I didn't drop it while running.
"Come on! We'll try to loose them in the alleyways!"
I turned down the first one that came up, and Julie followed. A few moments later, I could hear the sound of our pursuers' footsteps echoing about the alleyway. And then, like something out of a bad movie, the alleyway ended in a dead end. We turned to see that the black suits had gotten close enough to make a wall of bodies. There was no escape...
She was leaving on a jet plane- assuming she could get through security, afford to check her luggage and there wasn't a volcano
No one ever realized the only prayer God paid attention to was the Hokey Pokey. I guess that really is what it's all about.
He clarified that when he had bitten the inside of his cheek but he hadn't meant his mouth. The doctor had to excuse himself.
The villains tried to imprison him not knowing you should never try to put Amoeba Man in a single cell.
Zeth discovered that the secret of the wax museum was not murders but that they were sculpting their statues out of human earwax.
Little is known about Jesus' childhood friend Stinky of Nazareth.
In a bid to the record for only man to put his penis on an anvil and hit it with a hammer he set the record for loudest scream.
The Local Heroes faced their deadliest challenge, a dinosaur with rabies. Amazing Ed paused to get a photo for his scrapbook.
Karl liked to take credit for inspiring the Suicide Girls because most women said they would rather die than sleep with him.
The cook hated using equipment that wasn't from his home state; he wished they all could be California grills.
After the explosion at the dildo factory it wasn't exactly raining men but for some folks it was close enough.
He liked to refer to himself as 'the loyal opposition' but he never did when his wife was in earshot.
The river overflowed and swept up the Girls Gone Wild bus in its wake causing flash floods everywhere.
He used his fortune to send his sons to business school; his sons used what they learned in business school to steal his fortune.
As part of his mad plan Killjoy used obese men in water soluble bathing suits to clear the beaches.
The thieves hid from Hrothgar the viking in the one place he couldn't go- the Wal Mart. Once again he cursed the restraining order.
Karl joined the book club once he heard they were studying OF HUMAN BONDAGE. Once he started reading it he felt ripped off.
After a certain age your idea of afternoon delight becomes a long nap.
Rusty Johnson tried to save the day but Killjoy's pack of trained toothless pit bulls gummed up everything.
She became the manager of the cookie factory once they realized she was someone they could rely upon when the chips were down.
Someone was turning River City's Qwick Stop stores into giant robots and Captain Hero didn't think that was very convenient at all.
They were crazy in love; actually she was just crazy but he didn't find out until after she painted his toenails and hid his shoes.
Magwier knew they were hot on the trail of the eldrich beast when they started finding deposits of non-Euclidean scat.
Lorelei had been tortured before but none of it was as bad as when her mother tried to have the talk about the birds and the bees.
While Abner Deggent couldn't prove the existence of the Legion of Evil Librarians but there were whispers everywhere.
He worked as a parking attendant, it was his lot in life.
Let me introduce you to MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM!
And a special thanks to HORROR SQUAD for helping me to continue to hate the SyFy Channel without ever having to turn my TV to it.
A single installment of Juan Santapan's work can be more involving than some novels!
Excited at the prospect of attending her first school dance, Ruth Hennessy spent all her pocket money on cheap make up which she caked on with the subtlety of a clown. Seeing her little girl preening and pouting precociously in front of the mirror, Ruth's mother decided that she could delay the inevitable no longer; the time had come to teach her the facts of life...
Some say, it couldn't have happened to a better guy. I guess I'd have to agree since I've worked for Floyd Barney for going on five years. Oh, Floyd could be a regular guy when he wanted to. Most times he was so busy trying to impress everyone with his greatness that the regular Floyd Barney got lost in the shuffle. I've seen the real Floyd from time to time, most of the guys that work with us don't know he's in there. Old Floyd kept him well buried, as if having real emotions or caring about others was somehow a threat to his great masculinity...
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and One
"Time transforms from teenagers desperately trying to get laid into adults desperately trying to keep teenagers from having sex."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Two
As a young man Louie didn't have the patience for hobbies. Once erectile dysfunction set in he filled a room with ships in bottles.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Three
Amazing Ed vowed to keep frighting crime until he got a little respect, or at least until they made an action figure based on him.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Four
When you joined the Holy Order you either got a Doctorate or became the priest of a small town. It was publish or parish.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Five
Binge drinking, fights and impromptu wet t-shirt contests- it was the weirdest call center she had ever worked in.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Six
Prince Reynart lived in an enchanted castle where all the furniture had come to life. It was impossible to masturbate in private.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Seven
Gary was constantly crossing the line between a successful first date and taking a hostage.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Eight
Professor Apocalypse wore his battle armor to meetings of the Earthwide Crime League so he could nap and no one would notice.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Nine
Abner Deggent was surprised to find a tarantula on the pillow beside him. Most of his one night stands just left a thank you note.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Ten
Magwier grinned, "Nothing pisses off the dark spirits more than using a tarot deck to build a house of cards atop a Ouija board."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Eleven
The Cannibal Congressman looked up from his eyeball stew and said, "Waiter! There's a stye in my soup."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twelve
They drummed him out of the army because he kept getting venereal diseases, it brought a new meaning to 'Dishonorable Discharge.'
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirteen
It wasn't until later that the Greater Regional Organization of Super Stars realized their unfortunate acronym.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Fourteen
Lorelei said, "Just because I call him my lover that doesn't mean I'm in love with him. What's so hard to understand about that?"
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Fifteen
He watched the crimson haired nurse drawing his blood and thought to himself this was always the way it went for him with redheads.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Sixteen
It wasn't until Gary tried to become the world's tallest midget wrestler that he truly began to understand the nature of prejudice.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Seventeen
She spent about an hour a day listening to her iPod, and about a two hours trying to untangle the wires for her earbuds.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Eighteen
The worst part about becoming one with the cosmos is the paperwork.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Nineteen
She declared "The party don't start till I walk in." but that's how it is when you're a birthday clown.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty
Hrothgar was conceived in the fires of passion and forged in the heat of battle- is it any wonder that he hated cold toilet seats?
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty One
Silver Siren's battle with a misogynistic villain at an atomic test site started the "Nuking Women In Refrigerators" controversy.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Two
As far as Karl was concerned if God hadn't wanted us to make out with your cousins he wouldn't have made it so damn easy to do.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Three
There was urine all over the baby grand, someone had been tinkling the ivories.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Four
Say what you will but Domatrixes always have the most interesting garage sales.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Five
Most great loves last far longer than the relationships they create.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Six
His only superpower was that he could make soft rock hits of the 70's play through your head. He was hated and feared by all.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Seven
One anti-government militia group is composed entirely of drag queens, insurgency has never looked so fabulous.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Eight
"I knew a woman that wrote stories about Death and Time," Magwier said, "but she just liked to play God."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Nine
Yeats tried his hand at childrens' songs but nobody wants to sing about Peter Cottontail slouching towards Bethlehem.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty
Agents of the government ordered Amazing Ed to register. He didn't understand why, he wasn't even engaged.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty One
Her bosses didn't like her using the internet at work for her personal business, especially since she put on erotic webcam shows.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Two
Dancing sluts, performing geeks and the deformed can no longer be found in sideshows, now they have programs on basic cable.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Three
These days superheroes don't wear masks to protect their loved ones, they do it to protect their health insurance.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Four
No one wanted a bible in Choose Your Own Adventure format.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Five
When the corporate discussed 'encouraging a sales culture' everyone knew what they really meant was 'act like a bunch of pricks'.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Six
That night Captain Hero and the Maven learned the Crime Countess' dark secret- she was really from Weehawken, New Jersey.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Seven
Visits to Grandma's just weren't the same after she gave up canning preserves for cooking meth.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Eight
The entire football team tested negative for steroids, the mascot on the other hand was all shrunken testicles and rage.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Thirty Nine
Karl told everyone he was having sex on the beach, no one knew he was letting sea anemones crawl along the underside of his penis.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty
The tornado was coming, there was nowhere for Lorelei to run. She was either going to die or end up with a fancy new pair of shoes.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty One
Whenever he got a rejection slip he made love to his wife to ease the pain. By the time he sold his novel he had eleven kids.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty Two
As she sat in the bathroom stall typing away on her Blackberry she wonder if she was the only one to Twitter on the shitter.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty Three
She didn't like the idea of being in the same place as all her ex-boyfriends but it was the only cemetery in town.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty Four
Supervillainess 'The Hairdresser' liked to wear short short skirts. What a tease.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty Five
They didn't have to put Rover down after all. This is the way the dog ends, not with a bang but with distemper.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty Six
When Thalia agreed to with Rusty Johnson to the tractor pulls she had assumed they would be in the audience. She assumed wrong.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty Seven
It was a story of a young girl with a messiah complex- they called it 'Little Miss Martyr'.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty Eight
"Everyone talks about the Necromonicon's many blasphemies. No one ever mentions Abul AlHazred's recipe for Tuna Wiggle."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Forty Nine
It was his love of fast motorcycles and fast food that earned him the nickname 'Cheesy Rider'.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred and Fifty
Once again Abner Deggent felt the call to the open sea and to adventure- plus that waitress from Spokane might be pregnant...