Saturday, March 20, 2010

(Recommended Reads) "Another Glass of Chardonnay" by Tony Noland

Carol couldn't go on sitting there, just sipping her wine and wiping her lips. As much as she hated the old saying about bridesmaids and getting laid, if she didn't make a move on this guy, some kind of a move, she'd be kicking herself for weeks. It wasn't just the tuxedo; Daniel would have been heart attack gorgeous wearing jeans and flip flops. No, it was everything about him. His eyes, his hands, his ass, everything. Out of the corner of her right eye, she watched him...

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(Recommended Reads) "Black Jacket" by Amy Taylor

As she drew herself, reluctantly, from the thick cotton wool of sleep, Penny caught sight of a tangled shock of shaggy, dark hair, splayed across the pillow beside her...

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(Recommended Reads) "Lofty Pursuits" by Laura Eno

The spires of the glass building rose high into the sky, the sun kissing the many facets until it seemed to be crafted from crystal. A bit ostentatious, Lucien thought, but where else would one expect God to conduct business...

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Friday, March 19, 2010

John Stewart of the DAILY SHOW destroys Glen Beck

(Recommended Reads) “Wire-in-the-Mire” by Carrie Clevenger

The room languished in deep shadows cast from the cheap brass lamp with the paper shade as Peter wrote his letter. Note. It was on a pretty piece of stationery; he'd found it in the drawer, right next to Mindy's wedding ring...

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(Recommended Reads) “Dave's House” by P.J. Kaiser

I sat on the floor in my living room and gazed at the glimmers of light cast by the street lamps. I gripped the handle of the metal bucket and my heart raced with anticipation. I turned to the digital clock whose red numbers glowed: 2:30am. I stood and carried the bucket to the deserted house across the street, wading through the high grass and discarded belongings that surrounded it. The two windows facing the street had already been broken by neglectful tenants and mother nature. I walked to the side of the house where the two windows remained whole...

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(Recommended Reads) “New Life” by Peggy McFarland

Sue sliced through the tape of another box and groaned. The movers marked this one "kitchen" but it contained Jake's video game system. At least she found it. If she heard "I'm bored" one more time, she knew she'd scream.

Come to think of it, Jake hadn't complained for over twenty minutes. Her mother instinct screamed too quiet. He was up to something...

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(Recommended Article) "Frankenstein Conquers The World" Reviewed by VAULT OF HORROR

This here is the kind of a movie that is going to help determine if you are a tried-and-true kaiju fanatic, or just someone who enjoyed watching a couple of Godzilla movies on syndicated TV when you were a kid. Simply put, Frankenstein Conquers the World is not for everyone. But if you love this sort of thing--Japanese giant monster movies--then it's a veritable treasure trove of rubber-suited goodness...

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(Recommended Reads) "Witches Brew" by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith

"You have brought Laura's ashes?"
"Yes," he said, handing the urn to the witch. She lifted the lid, peered into the receptacle, then turned her stern gaze towards him.
"I must ask you to reassure me one last time - you are sure she was a pure-hearted woman?"

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Thursday, March 18, 2010


Beyond The Pale
Al Bruno III

The Lincoln Continental swerved and crashed into a telephone pole. A moment later the Mayor Bellgoody tumbled out of the driver's side door, his clothes were disheveled, his bloated body drenched with terrified sweat; his toupee was barely hanging on, it flapped as he ran.
His secret empire of crime and corruption had been laid open for all the world to see and now he had to get out of River City. All he had to do now was get a hold of another car and with his briefcase full of cash in one hand and a gun in another that wouldn't be any problem at all.
A rushing sound filled the air. Bellgoody's eyes widened in terror. A heartbeat later the masked hero Lightning was standing in front of him blocking the way. Lightning's bright blue costume almost shone in the night, his handsome ebony features were pulled into a triumphant smile, "Going somewhere?"
Lightning was a decorated veteran of the Vietnam war, an experimental super soldier formula had left him with super speed and now he fought to protect the innocent as he tried to come to terms with the lives he took overseas.
Blinded with panic Bellgoody ran into a nearby alley hoping to find a place to hide, a place to escape, but it was a dead end. A figure in a winged metal suit dropped out of the sky, the stylized helmet was designed to have the fierce features of a bird of prey. It was Peregrine. He had invented his rocket armor for use in outer space but then he thought better of it when he realized that the Man was never going to let a black man go into space. Another member of the damned Midnight Marvels- could the rest be far behind?
"Listen," the Mayor said, "I have almost two million dollars here, you can take it all. Just let me go."
"Two million dollars?" A voice from a nearby fire escape hissed. It was Black Ice the cold hand of justice, his dark purple costume was featureless, even the mask he wore hid his entire face from view. No one knew where he came from or who he was, he was a mystery even to his teammates. He wore a specialized gauntlet on one arm that fired bursts of dark frost, "Is that the money you made selling junk to schoolchildren? Or from your prostitution ring?"
The three heroes were drawing in closer, Bellgoody tried to muster a laugh, "Does it matter? It's money you could do anything with it. Give it away to all your friends in the ghetto, I don't care, just let me go. I can't go to prison. I can't!"
Black Ice jumped from the fire escape, "Prison is the least of your worries. You'll get the chair for what you did."
There was a roar and a gold plated motorcycle skidded to a halt in the alley. Apocalypse Jones she had a gun in each hand, her ebony skin was marked with dozens of cuts and bruises. "You!" Bellgoody shouted, "You're alive?"
"Alive and kickin' sugar," she grinned but there was a limp in her step. She had come to the 1970's from a future that had been destroyed by war, zombies and worse.
"Hey guys," a thick set man in spandex and wearing a cape brought up the rear. It was Lightning's partner, Thunder. Thunder had been on the path to becoming the world's first black sumo wrestler but after his brother had overdosed on drugs he had turned his attentions to cleaning up River City, "Save some of that cracker for me."
Black Ice cackled, "Plenty to go around."
That pushed Bellgoody to the breaking point, he spun and fired at the frozen hand of justice, the bullet catching him in the shoulder.
Then there was a second shot and Mayor Bellgoody fell to the pavement, a wide hole where his forehead had been. Apocalypse Jones blew smoke from the barrel of her gun, "You're history sucka."
"Damn," Lightning said, "whatever happened to a warning shot?"
"I just saved the city the cost of an execution."
Thunder ran over to Black Ice, "Are you OK?"
"Yeah yeah," he gazed at his torn costume, "just a flesh wound."
Thunder's jaw dropped, "What th- guys get over here!"
The rest of the team approached, they were all stunned.
"What?" Black Ice said, "Is it worse than I thought?"
"Take off your mask," Peregrine said.
Black Ice sounded incredulous, "No. I'm-"
But Lightning was too fast, he whipped off the other hero's mask. Apocalypse Jones dropped her gun in surprise. Thunder's voice was a whisper, "You're white?"
The frozen hand of justice shrugged, "So?"
"I can't believe this is happening..." Peregrine buried his face in his hands, "Dolemite's never gonna let us live this down,"
"What's the big deal?" Black Ice said again, "And give me back my mask."
"What's the big deal?" Apocalypse Jones shouted, "We're all black."
"So? I don't mind."
Thunder turned away and turned back, "You don't mind? We're 'the Midnight Marvels', we're an all black superhero team!"
"We are?" Black Ice's brow furrowed in confusion.
"That's why we call ourselves 'the Midnight Marvels' for God's sake."
"Oh," he blushed, "I thought it was more if a thematic thing."
Lightning had to laugh, he threw the featureless mask to the other hero, "Thematic?"
"What are you guys saying exactly?" Black Ice asked, "Are you kicking me out?"
The silence that followed was long and uncomfortable. The Midnight Marvels exchanged helpless glances. A rat had come out of a nearby alleyway to sniff at Mayor Bellgoody's corpse. No one noticed.
Peregrine was the first to come out and say it, "Yes."
"But that's discrimination!" Black Ice cried.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Two

"Commander Infinity prefers to fight crime from 50 feet in the air," Amazing Ed said, "aloof doesn't even begin to describe him."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty One

He said to his wife, "I can explain everything." Even though the midget prostitute was still hanging from the ceiling fan.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty

Slim believed most gunfighters were suffering from trauma related to their potty training. When said this aloud he got shot.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Nine

Audra smiled, "Mom said that the first time casting a spell is like the first time doing anything else. You get stains everywhere."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Eight

When you have a sexual fetish for breakfast cereals it isn't easy to sow your oats.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Seven

While in the future many time travelers are stunned to learn the Vatican made Charlie Sheen the patron saint of bachelor parties.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Six

Abner Deggent crashed in the door with guns blazing but due to a mis-remembered address little Terry's birthday party was ruined.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Five

The met via Facebook, flirted via email and broke up via Twitter.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Four

One his parents named him Christian Diablo he was pretty much guaranteed to become a supervillain.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Three

She awoke to find a vengeful long haired Japanese ghost sucking her nipples- talk about nursing a Grudge.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Two

Abner Deggent overheard the girls at the brothel talk about how he kept going and going. He didn't know they meant his bragging.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty One

All she wanted was a man with crazy eyes, a dirty mouth and grab-able ears.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty

It isn't easy taking a shower when you're a cyborg but thankfully Rusty Johnson had paid extra for the undercoating.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty Nine

Abner Deggent knew that once the girls had exhausted him the fertility ritual would end and he would die. He stiffened his resolve.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty Eight

"I have traveled in time! Fought gods and monsters!" Hrothgar the Viking roared, but it didn't help him qualify for a credit card.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty Seven

The first rule of Mime Club is you don't talk about Mime Club.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty Six

Held prisoner by a tribe of bloodthirsty cannibals Abner Deggent had only two goals; escape and scoring with one of their women.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty Five

It wasn't the first time something in Captain Hero's utility belt had gone off accidentally but now he was banned from Denny's.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty Four

Anger the League of Time Traveling Dominatrices and you'll get a retro-active spanking which usually makes you a customer for life.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty Three

For him Heaven was spending eternity with the four girlfriends he had loved the most, oddly enough that was their version of Hell.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty Two

Karl had considered himself a breast man until that terrible day he found himself trapped in an elevator full of sumo wrestlers.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty One

None of the Local Heroes knew why the Shriners hated Psychotic Kid but whenever they attacked there was free candy everywhere.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Forty

He had a thing for plus-sized mathematicians, the more full-figured the better.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty Nine

Abner Deggent tried to establish dominance over the swarm of snapping turtles by waving his genitals at them. It didn't end well.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty Eight

"There's a madman in River City killing people with electrified shoes," Fuego said, "Truly these are times that try mens' soles."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty Seven

Polidori Lord of the vampires perused the 'Paranormal Romance' section of the bookstore and then promptly killed himself.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty Six

Captain Hero's taxi skidded to a halt and he charged out tackling the jewel thieves. The meter was running- on Justice!

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty Five

The girls talked about their first times- they involved summer camp, a world cruse and 20 minutes before a bus crash respectively.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty Four

She met him via speed dating only to find out later he could only perform speed loving.

5 second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty Three

Sometimes Abner Deggent crossed paths with a mysterious character called 'the Scotsman' but then he got kilt.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty Two

Brian was overjoyed to go to Heaven and become an angel, then he discovered he was allergic to feathers.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Thirty One

Abner Deggent claimed he was sent to break Nazi morale by seducing their women; he said it was a long hard mission.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

MTV reality show sculpture angers Truckee officials

TRUCKEE, CA - An obscene snow sculpture built in the center of downtown Truckee by a crew producing an MTV reality show has angered town officials and residents.

"It was a giant penis with water shooting out," said downtown merchant Stefani Olivieri, whose store is directly across the street from the historic train depot where the sculpture was built. "It was not appropriate. There were a lot of children around."...

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Monday, March 15, 2010

(Recommended Reads) "Curio Killed The Cat" by Skyla Dawn Cameron

Welcome to Curio Killed the Cat, an occult shop in Kensington Market, Toronto. Meet the quirky (and sometimes supernatural) employees, customers, and a few strange characters that pass along the way.

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Sunday, March 14, 2010

Rest In Peace Peter Graves

Peter Graves, Spymaster and Host, Is Dead at 83 By MICHAEL POLLAK

Published: March 14, 2010

Peter Graves, the cool spymaster of television's "Mission Impossible" and the dignified host of the "Biography" series, who successfully spoofed his own gravitas in the "Airplane" movie farces, died Sunday. He was 83...

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(Recommended Reads) “Trouble in the Tower” by P.J. Kaiser

Sweat streams down my face and body. My eyes linger at the windows of the white panel van but rolling them down isn't an option. The van that holds our FBI ops center had been fitted with soundproofing but the designers had overlooked the need for a fan. Doing surveillance with the windows rolled down so that passersby could overhear our overheard conversations was rather pointless. So I sit in my seat and perspire and dream of a cold Budweiser...

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(Recommended Reads) "Leprechaun Hunt" by G.P. Ching

"Tell me again what we're doing out here in the middle of the night?"

"Hunting leprechauns."

Shannon twisted toward Eric from her seat on the hood of his parent's 1989 Impala, digging her hands deeper into the pockets of his letterman's jacket. Beneath a full moon, the gnarled branches of Shebangee Forest cast shadows between them...

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(Recommended Reads) "Sparky" by J. M. Strother

I'm a dog!

I can't believe it. I'd pinch myself, but my thumbs are gone. This just can't be happening - must be a bad dream. Except it doesn't feel like a dream.

Where am I? This isn't my house. Doesn't smell right. Smell right! What am I saying?


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(Recommended Article) "Short Night of Glass Dolls" Reviewed by BEHIND THE COUCH

Whilst lying on an autopsy table, motionless but conscious and in some sort of cataleptic state, American journalist Gregory (Jean Sorel) recalls how he was desperately searching for his missing girlfriend Mira (Barbara Bach) in Prague, when he fell foul of a mysterious order of social elites who thrive on the 'life essence' of the younger generation. As he relays his story, he attempts to solve his own 'murder' before it is too late and the surgeons begin performing their autopsy on his still warm body...

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(Recommended Reads) "Just Thirst" by Tim VanSant

I don't usually play with my food, but I had to admit I was rather enjoying the look of terror on his face. Soon he would be begging for his life, but I would not spare it. I had come to terms with my existence (I never call what I have a "life" any more). The bitterness. The loneliness. The insatiable thirst for blood. I learned to survive on the blood of animals. Livestock makes for easy meals and as long as I don't kill them I can feed indefinitely. It had been decades since I had harmed a human. Until tonight...

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(Recommended Article) "The Terror: Abandon All Hope Indeed" From ALL THINGS HORROR

I have a confession. I've overslept on Dan Simmons and I feel terrible and deprived... I'm very excited about his latest novel Black Hills, and Drood beckons me from my shelf at home with an intimidating presence and cover. There's going to be a lot of Dan Simmons reading going on in this guy's house from now on, I assure you of that...

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(Recommended Reads) "This Girl In That Shirt" by Lou Freshwater

This girl, who I had never seen before, she was coming into the 7-11 where I worked the midnight shift. She just walks in out of the darkness, no car, no nothing. Never seen someone just walk up like that, and I've been wasting three nights a week in this joint for over a year...

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(Recommended Reads) "Caitlin" by Amy Taylor

Caitlin's mum was one of those people who didn't care much for life. That was partly what made it easier for the six-year-old, to watch when she drank the poison...

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