Friday, February 25, 2011

The House On Kissimmee Avenue (an excerpt from Chad’s Oracles)

The following is a condensed chapter from my serial novel but it is enjoyable as a stand alone piece.


The House On Kissimmee Avenue

(an excerpt from Chad’s Oracles)


Al Bruno III

The first carload of parents pulled up to the main entrance, three of Thelma’s classmates crowded into the back seat.

“What time are your parents picking you up?” Chad asked.

You are not telling him you rode your bicycle here. Thelma thought, Don’t you dare!

“I don’t really have a curfew.” She said, and that was technically true. She didn’t have a curfew because she had never pushed her luck by staying out past midnight. “Do you want to go back to the dance?”

“Not really. You want to go for a walk?”

“I’m not… I don’t…”

He had already started moving, “Just a little ways.”

“Where?” She found herself running to catch up with him, they walked quickly until they were clear of the school. Once they were on the county highway they slowed their pace, “Where are we going?”

“Just up to Spook Hill. My place.”

“That’s not too far,” she thought aloud, talking herself into it, “barely even a mile. Do you live with your parents?”

“No. I have a place with my friends.”

“You’re not in high school are you?”

“Nope.” He gave her a sly look, “It’s not too late to turn back if that worries you. See? We’re almost there?”

He pointed to a house on the corner of North Wales Drive and Kissimmee Avenue; a rare two floor building. The lower level was dark but the upstairs was brightly lit. The house was what Thelma’s Mom would have called ‘a fixer-upper’. The front porch was a maze of cracked and broken boards, the gabled windows sagged ominously and the roof was a checkerboard of tiles and exposed wood.

It was hard to turn away from that smile but Thelma remembered another scrap of local legend. “Wasn’t that place condemned because some crazy old lady was living in filth there?”

“That was my great aunt.”

“Oh God! I’m so sorry,” the gravel driveway crunched underfoot. “Look…” Thelma was torn, she wanted to follow him in there but she’d already traveled farther than she should have at this hour of the night with a stranger.

He opened the door, “Come on in for a bit and I’ll drive you back home as soon as you ask. I promise.”

What am I doing here? She wondered. What am I trying to prove?

“Come on.” He said.

“Ok” She said, “But no funny business.”

He caught her in the doorway and leaned in for a kiss, it was brief and chaste but it left Thelma trembling. “Nothing will happen here that you don’t want to happen.”

The lower floor of the house was stripped bare; every click and shuffle of their footsteps echoed. The air was tinged with the aroma of mildew and something else- a thick, cloying odor that Thelma couldn’t quite place.

“Come on,” He closed the door behind them, and latched it, “I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

“Everyone?” Thelma asked.

Kerosene lanterns filled the second floor with white glaring light; two of them were at the top of the stairwell, and more were placed in each one of the upper floor's four doorways. The lanterns were all at their maximum settings, Thelma could hear them hiss and feel their heat as she walked past them. At the end of the hallway five girls sat huddled around a radio, playing cards with a handmade deck. Each girl was barefoot and dressed in faded, oversized clothes. When they saw Chad approaching they all started talking at once.

“Your harem?” Thelma surveyed them with a worried scowl. None of the girls looked much older than her but they all seemed haggard and sleepless.

“They had no where else to g,.” Chad said, “ladies this is Thelma. Thelma this is Annie, Sara, Maureen, Jackie, Laurie and Bonita.”

“Nice to meet you all,” Thelma waved, “I should be going.”

“What?” Chad spread his arms, “What's the matter?”

“This is just getting too weird.”

All the girls shared a conspiratorial giggle at that. Thelma shoved past Chad and headed back for the stairs. She no longer cared who these freaks were or what they were all about. This is what I get for listening to something other than your brain. Let’s hope I make it out of here alive…

Then something in the last room on the left caught her eye, the light from another lantern lit the room but the radiance was pale and quavering, it reminded Thelma of a dying campfire. There was a mattress shoved up against the far wall, and three corpulent figures crouched around it. There was someone stretched out on the mattress, pale and pink. Thelma couldn’t make out the body on the mattress but the gasping cries and choking grunts she heard were distinctly female.

…alive and unmolested.

Chad’s hand settled onto her shoulder, his breath was quickening. There was something guileless in his voice “What is she doing without me?”

“It started an hour ago.” One of the other girls said, “Maybe it’s a flashback or something?”

Another girl said, “We tried to make her comfortable but I think she’s waiting for you.”

Slipping out of his jacket Chad walked into the room; he murmured an apology to Thelma and begged her to stay. At the sound of his approach the three hulking figures straightened and turned.

They were taller than Thelma had thought, at least as tall as her father but their hunched postures made it hard to be sure. The sight of their faces set her running.

She blundered down the steps, falling and catching herself. No one called after her or gave chase but Thelma didn’t dare a look back until she was almost to the school...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

"...two scantily clad angels from heaven who protect children from the monsters under their beds..."hat go bump in the night,"

Topless robot explains...


This is the first pic from Atom's new webseries Sexy Nightmare Slayers, starring Team Unicorn's Clare Grant (left) and Rileah Vanderbilt (right). Co-created by Vanderbilt, the series is "about two scantily clad angels from heaven who protect children from the monsters under their beds, the demons in their closet, and a variety of other ghoulish creations that go bump in the night," 


Is the movie SUCKER PUNCH an action movie madhouse or is it Sailor Moon vs Shutter Island?

The trailer brings us no closer to an answer...


 Much thanks to TWITCHFILM

Rest In Peace Nicholas Courtney aka Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart

The news just came through via THE DOCTOR WHO NEWS PAGE and HIS OFFICIAL WEBSITE.

The Obituary From the Doctor Who News site

Nicholas Courtney, known to and beloved by Doctor Who fans worldwide as Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart and one of the longest-serving co-stars of the series, has died, aged 81.

Born in Egypt, William Nicholas Stone Courtney spent his childhood and education in a variety of places - his father serving in the diplomatic service - before entering the Webber Douglas School of Singing and Dramatic Art after completing his National Service in 1950. He then entered rep in 1952 - his first job being actor/ASM in Cromer! - before a move to London brought him to the world of television.

His first appearance in this media was as a Warrant Officer in the 1957 series
Escape, followed by playing King Charles II inLooking About and Mark Norman in an episode of No Hiding Place. He was then to appear throughout the 1960s in shows like Callan and Sword of Honour, as well as popular fantasy genre titles like The Saint, The Champions, The Avengers, andRandall and Hopkirk (Deceased) (alongside Master-to-be, Roger Delgado).

His first brush with
Doctor Who was to be as Space Security Agent Bret Vyon in the First Doctor epic The Daleks' Master Plan. For Doctor Who fans, of course, he will always be remembered as UNIT stalwart Lethbridge-Stewart. Originally slated to play Captain Knight in the Second Doctor adventure The Web Of Fear, he was 'promoted' to the role of Colonel by directorDouglas Camfield when original actor David Langton pulled out, and returned a year as a newly promoted Brigadier in The Invasion, a role he was to become associated with for over forty years! Appearing as one of the main characters throughout the Third Doctor's incarnation as the UK head of UNIT, he was then to appear with every other classic series Doctor, both during the television show's original run and through the Big Finish audio adventures. Name-checked a number of times in the revived series of Doctor Who, Sir Alistair was to eventually return in the spin-off series The Sarah Jane Adventures in 2008 - the actor being re-united with 70s co-star Elisabeth Sladen...

William Nicholas Stone Courtney (16th December 1929 - 22nd February 2011)

Bob Canada's brings the awesome once again!

The Weird Science of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000

This is EPIC!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

CHAD'S ORACLES chapter three


Chad’s Oracles

Chapter Three


“So what happened next?” Peanut asked. They sat alone at the cafeteria table. Samantha was still in line getting her food.

“Nothing. By the time I got done with my shift his truck was gone.” Thelma shrugged. All around the room were posters proclaiming that Friday was the yearbook club’s annual carnation sale. Last year she had gotten a handful of them from potential suitors. All of them cute boys but all of them more interested in rounding the bases than getting to know her. Most of them didn’t even acknowledge her in the halls now but that didn’t bother Thelma much at all. She wondered if that was another sign she was a cold person.

“Did you go to the gas station and check out what he left?” Peanut asked, “I mean I would have been dying to know… actually I am dying to know.”

“No I didn’t look. By the time I got done re-cleaning my work station my Dad was waiting for me,” Thelma said, “I don’t think he would have been interested in helping me play junior detective.”

“Hey you never know.”

“Oh I know.”

Samantha plunked herself down beside Thelma. She had two pieces of pizza and chocolate milk. She also looked like she had been up all night. “Did anyone hear that Robin Vance dumped Winnie?”

Thelma shook her head, “You’re always the first to know.”

Peanut lowered his head in mock sadness, “What went wrong? I thought those two were going to make class couple for sure!”

“Well,” Samantha took a bite of her lunch before continuing, rivulets of cheese and tomato ran through her thick fingers, “the word is that she decided to let him go all the way with her but the poor dear never quite got there.”

“Oh!” Peanut winced, “I’m sorry I asked.”

Thelma just shook her head, she wasn’t sure if she felt pity, amusement, disgust or some new combination of all three.

“She wasn’t as understanding as I would be in a situation like that,” Samantha tore off another bite of pizza. “aren’t you two eating? Are you on diets or something?”

Thelma explained, “We brown bagged it.”

“Pizza Day lines are too damn long,” Peanut explained, “Hey did Thelma tell you she saw that Chad guy?”

“She’s not the only one,” Samantha grinned with her mouth full; it made her look like her teeth had been bloodied.

“What?” Thelma almost fell from her seat, “You… what?”

“I saw him at the mall, him and babes”

Peanut leaned forward at the word ‘babes, “What were they doing?”

“They were going to see that Mad Max movie. The one with all the car crashes. He’s loaded. He was taking all six girls to the movies with him. He had a thick wad of bills he was flashing around,” Samantha paused for effect. “he offered to pay for me too.”

Thelma was reeling, “Oh you did not.”

Peanut shook his head, “She did.”

“After what I told you? After the freaky stuff I said he was up to?”

Samantha shrugged, “He was a gentleman.”

Thelma buried her face in her hands, “Please say you didn’t talk about me.”

Peanut was still shaking his head, “She did. You know she did.”

“What are you two worried about?” Samantha rolled her eyes. Raucous laughter erupted from another table. The three of them turned to see Winston Krosky storming out of the cafeteria, his face reddening. “Sheesh, he finishes lunch early too.”

“OK,” Thelma said. “How did I come up in conversation?”

“I told him I was a friend of yours,” Samantha finished her first piece of pizza and started on her second before continuing. “The move was really wicked by the way. You should totally see it. And that Mel Gibson guy is –”


“All right. I asked him where he was from and stuff. His little honey cakes did most of the talking for him. I think they’re all stoners, they have stoner eyes. You know what I mean?”


“So he lives in that house which he owns free and clear. He bought it with money he won in some kind of a sweepstakes contest.”

Thelma shook her head, “That’s not what he told me.”

Samantha’s shrugged, “That’s because he was probably trying to get you into bed. Most boys will make up anything to get a girl like you in bed.”

“I would never lie to get a girl in bed,” Peanut declared.


It was a rare Friday night that saw Thelma’s father home early, so her mother had celebrated with spaghetti and meatballs. Everyone was in a good mood, her mother talked about all of them taking a weekend off. Maybe they could finally head out to Sea World or spend a few days on the gulf coast just taking in the sights. After dinner, they settled down to a game of Monopoly and her Dad kept turning over the idea of a weekend getaway. Thelma helped them make plans but she suspected she had a better chance of managing to buy Park Place and Boardwalk on the same turn.

Oh sure they might make plans but Thelma knew that some other work related disaster would suddenly crop up and snatch one or both of her parents away at the last moment.

A phone call interrupted their game, it was Samantha. Thelma told her parents to skip her turn; it wasn’t like she was going to go any less bankrupt if they waited.

“Sam?” Thelma retreated with the phone to her room, “What are you doing home?”

“Thelma?” She whispered, “Is it you? I can’t see.”

“Are you drunk?” Thelma fell back onto her bed and stared at the Bon Jovi posters on her wall. It wouldn’t be the first time her friend had called her in this state, drinking always made her moody.

Samantha said, “…bleeding through… infecting… the Verge and the Maelstrom…”

For a moment Thelma had to take the phone away from her ear and just stare at it. Samantha was still babbling away, “What are you talking about?”

“I can see it… beyond angled space… I can see it all… the black pantheon… fallen one by one… gone into hiding…”

“Is this some kind of a joke?” Thelma sat up, “What are you doing? Where are you?”

“…gone into hiding… the wall of masks… twisting in my mind… I can see them... in the lost places...”

“Are you home?”

Her voice sharpened with a desperate urgency, “Bodge Loyar the frozen... Anzon the bloodless... Kressor who walks... Damiea clothed in worms... Delphanos fallen and longing... Eldrad the dismembered... Formless Noggar-Dallieon... make it stop Chad please make it stop…”

“Chad?” Thelma swallowed hard and tried to speak calmly “Chad’s there? Where are you?”

But she knew where her friend was. Oh you stupid… Thelma thought, Stupid! Stupid!

“I can see the eyes under the mask! I know what color they are! I know- rrlh… closer… chchch...” A moist cracking sound overwhelmed Samantha’s voice. Then the line went dead.

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I'm just Catholic enough to feel guilty for watching the NSFW trailer for NUDE NUNS WITH GUNS!

From The Eddie Deezen Fashion Line At Sears

i09 Makes Us Decide Between Death Farts And Acid Pimples...

From i09  'Acid zits, laser peaches, and Dracula: the most inexplicable martial arts and ninjutsu techniques'



Most of us are familiar with standard ninja and kung fu attacks, but did you know that there's a technique that conjures Dracula to vanquish your foes? According to bargain bin cinema, martial arts allow you to do anything and everything you damn well please.

I was looking through the io9 archives the other day, and I noticed that our coverage ofthe super vagina bubble ninjutsu was still getting ridiculously high traffic months later...


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Monday, February 21, 2011

'APOLLO 18' is found footage in SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!

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Ray Garton's story about the inspiration for the novel TRAILER PARK NOIR is more interesting than most other guys actual novels.

(and Mr. Garton's actual books rock as well.)


Although I’m known mostly for my horror fiction, my latest novel, Trailer Park Noir is not a horror novel. It’s a dark tale about the residents of Riverside Mobile Home Park, a small trailer park in the northern California town of Anderson.

I grew up in Anderson. In fact, I grew up next door to the trailer park that’s described in this novel. For the book, I moved the park to another part of town so it could be on the shore of the Sacramento River, but it’s the same one I lived next to as a boy. The real one was called Shady Hill Trailer Park. It had no pretensions – it was not a “mobile home park,” it was a trailer park, dammit!...


Click here to visit Ray Garton's web page and read the rest


And be sure to order a copy of TRAILER PARK NOIR!

As I watch the video 'Tonight I'm Frakking You' I feel a stirring in the Force... and my pants... (mostly my pants)

Tomie's Back! ...again ...and again

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Paper Hearts And A Red Haired Tart part ten

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Five

Paper Hearts And A Red Haired Tart

part ten

Shortly after my depressing dinner at the Ground Round, Chuck took his run at Tallulah. He brought her to one of the local go-cart racing tracks. I'll give him credit that was a pretty original date idea, however in the end he blew it because his idea of small talk was telling her how hot she would be if she just worked out a little.

Wow huh? There was no goodnight handjob for Chuck that was for damn sure.

Actually there was soon no job at all for Chuck because a few days after that he quit rather than be forced to mop and wax the floors. Which is odd because I would figure an amateur bodybuilder like him would be all about buffing. Bud followed soon after- I'm still not sure exactly what he did to get fired but the cardboard bailer never worked right again and we never found that one break room chair.


It was while Tallulah was telling me about Chuck's unusual attempts at seduction that I suddenly asked her out. I don't know why I did it, we had nothing in common at all. I was easygoing and passive aggressive while she had a temper that was both terrifying and sexy in equal amounts.

I usually viewed girls like her the way a paraplegic might view Mount Everest- sure it was a lovely view but there was no chance to climb up on it.

Hey that was a good one, think I should make it into a t-shirt?

Sure Lilly and Athena had both been eight shades of gorgeous too but my obsession with one and my lust for the other made me brave to the point of being foolhardy.

This was different, this was a crazy impulse but she must have been just as crazy because she said yes.


We went to go see 'the Princess Bride' but there were two ground rules. The first rule was that this was not a date. Tallulah explained to me that she had a boyfriend already, his job as a roadie for Frehley's Comet kept him out of town most of the time but he was still her boyfriend. The second was that if I asked for a handjob I was going to lose an eye.

Fair enough. We headed out to the mall in my car. She noticed how clean the seats were and how strong the odor of air freshener was. I smiled and nodded and didn't offer a thing in the way of explanations.

We got to the mall, got to the cinema, bought our tickets, got some popcorn and found a relatively uncrowded section of the theater to sit in. “You working this weekend?” she asked as we waited for the previews to start.

“As always,” the thought of working a job where I had a nine to five, Monday to Friday schedule was so remote it seemed exotic.

She downed a mouthful of popcorn “I need to get back to college.”

“You were in college? Why did you leave?”

“I had... I had some health problems,” she said.

“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you doing better?”

“I think so.”

The house lights dimmed, the movie began. I made a few choice sarcastic comments to her during the previews, she laughed at each of them. When our feature presentation began I shut up.

“Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...”

It was nice to be sitting next to her. I made sure she sat on my left so I could steal glances at her with my good eye, the one I wanted to keep. The light from the projector gave her an ethereal quality; I loved the way the images on the screen danced across her eyes, flickering like teardrops.

“As you wish.”

She smelled of moderately priced perfume and cheap hairspray, I liked it. What I didn't like was the idea that those two knuckleheads had thought it would take so little to get her on her back. I barely knew who this girl was but I knew she deserved better than that.


Whenever there was a particularly witty punchline or funny moment I tried to catch her reaction, there was something so devilish about that smile of hers. It was more interesting to me than anything the film had to offer.

“Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.”

I was well aware we were just here as friends but as I said before I was smitten. The last time I had felt this way I had spent years afraid to act, afraid of hearing the word “No.”

The second time I had felt this way I had mistaken being crass for being macho and assertive. What was I going to do this time? What should I do this time?

“Have fun stormin' da castle.”

The soft curve of her chin fit perfectly into my hand as I turned her in her seat to face me. Her eyes were wide and bright, her lips were warm against mine. I was about to hold her close when she said in a quiet voice, “What in the Hell do you think you're doing?”

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Right about then I was ready to die myself.

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