Saturday, May 14, 2011

The dream of 1,000 nerds...

You know it seems like a lifetime ago back when I started reading SANDMAN and began a lifetime love affair with the works of Neil Gaiman but I do remember thinking to myself how great it would be if he wrote some DOCTOR WHO. 


Well here we are and this was worth the twenty plus years wait.



Some random thoughts-


Time Lords can regenerate into from male to female and vice versa! Will I live long enough to see Emma Watson play the Doctor?


Also, I like to imagine the Corsair looked like Lance Henricksen in his last life.


The Doctor and the TARDIS in human form- this is the kind of story I have always wanted to see! And I got to watch it with my daughter- how cool is that?


Ok lets everyone put down the whole 'Rory Dies' meme. So far he died once for real in COLD BLOOD, had a near miss in CURSE OF THE BLACK SPOT and an illusion of Rory died in this story. No bitching and nitpicking fanboys. I mean it!


And now a preview of next weeks episode. I admit I don't feel all that interested in it compare to the other stories but that probably means it will blindside me when I watch it.

(Insane News) Brazilian Woman Wins Right To Masturbate At Work

Ana Catarian Bezerra is a 36-year-old Brazilian woman who suffers from a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality. Ana, an accountant by day, began to have problems at work because the only way to relieve said anxiety is by masturbating. A lot. Now, after winning a court battle and seeking professional medical help, Ana is allowed to masturbate and watch porn — using her work's computer, no less — legally...


click here to read the rest and wonder how the Hell you can get in on this action

Friday, May 13, 2011


 Link found via the Acrobatic Flea's blog

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The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions): Smack My Witch Up

The Nick of Time
(and other abrasions)
Smack My Witch Up
Al Bruno III

Judy Bauer ran out the door leaving bodies in her wake. Her jeans were torn up one side, there were unpleasant-looking stains on her blouse. Her long yellow hair had come undone and it swept out behind her.
How many was that? It had been dark and she wasn't sure. It had all happened too fast.
The streets of Salem, Massachusetts were deserted and dark, in the morning none of the ordinary citizens would remember anything more than their dreams. Even the people working nights were asleep at their posts, in a few hours they would awaken embarrassed but oblivious.
The February air was cold, it bit at her. The wisps of the dead thrashed mindlessly at her approach, the spirits of nature shuddered at her passing. A gray-hooded figure dove at Judy from out of an alleyway, slashing at her with a blade forged from silver and bone.
Judy reached out, drew a ghost from the realm of the dead and reshaped it with her will. What was once gentle and mindless became a screaming poltergeist. It tore into the gray-hooded figure, stinging and tearing but never leaving a scratch. The knife of silver and bone fell to the sidewalk as the gray-hooded figure stumbled back into the street. Judy snatched the blade up, then started running again.
Now how many?
There had been eight to start with, there might only be three now. That was an odd number and that might be enough to tip the balance against her.
Hunter-witches. The worst of the worst.
Footfalls behind her, bare feet and whipping robes. The rest of the hunter-witches. Judy glanced back and cursed. There were three of them.
Gallows Hill was her only chance, it was a park now but the ghosts and spirits there were thick as fleas on a fat pup. And wasn't it an appropriate place to go in the aftermath of a kangaroo court?
Witches had put other witches on trial tonight; it was the kind of irony that Judy's roommate insisted kept the Earth spinning. What had been billed as a convocation had turned out to be a prosecution.
The charge had been blasphemy. Blasphemy! Judy even hated the sound of the word. It was an accusation that the common horde always made against their betters. What was it her mother had said? Blasphemy? Oh all the best people are doing it this year.”
Judy bounded off the sidewalk and ran across the deserted street.
One of the hunter-witches had nearly caught up to her. A quick incantation and his hand was burning. He grabbed at her. The odor of burnt hair goaded Judy to run faster. She could just see Gallows Hill Park resolving itself out of the darkness.
Unlike sorcerers and necromancers, witches drew upon already existing mystical resources. Modern witches strove to work in harmony with their environment, refusing to mark any part of the world, physical or otherwise, with their passing. That philosophy had never made much sense to Judy. Would the Sisterhood of the Magna Mater ask the permission of dead? Would the Brides of Cernunnos grovel before the spirits of the Moon? Should she stop walking out of fear of crushing insects?
No. Never. Judy Bauer might only be nineteen years old but she knew hippie bullshit when she heard it.
That was why she had tried to pass along what she had learned at the Academy to like-minded individuals, teaching them everything she could via coded letters and the occasional one on one meeting. This night of the Cara Cognatio was supposed to be the first meeting of her coven of strangers.
The hunter-witch with the burning hand was too close now. Judy did need him on her tail when she started to make her way up the incline to the place where Bridget Bishop and eighteen others met their end.
She spun on her heel grabbing at the hunter-witch’s wrist, twisting the grasping hand back at him. Judy cursed the fire spirit that had settled onto his hand, driving it to consume everything around it. The hunter-witch went up in flames as Judy dove for safety. Her adversary burned and twisted upon himself like a scrap of old parchment.
The remaining hunter-witches tried to save their dying comrade only to have the fire spirit lash out leaving one dead and the other with a face that had been burned away. Then the spirit turned upon itself devouring its very essence. Judy didn’t stay to watch.
There was a woman waiting for her at the top of Gallows Hill, the wise and proud Madeline Trevi. Her long white hair hung down around her shoulders, there was a fist-sized bruise on her jaw, it was dark and fresh. Judy could sense the ghosts of Gallows Hill clustered around her like a school of jellyfish.
When Madeline Trevi spoke her voice was waspish, “The Greater Eastern Council taught you well.”
I would have shared what I learned,” Judy said.
You would leave the world a husk.”
The world is a husk already. You're just too stupid to realize.”
With that Madeline Trevi began to speak in the lost tongue. The words rooted Judy to the spot. She felt the air around her begin to bristle like the seconds before a bolt of lightning, the grass hissed at her feet as though it was full of snakes, the trees swayed without the slightest hint of a breeze.
The knife of bone and silver was still damp with blood, drops spattered everywhere as Judy threw it. The blade caught the old witch in the throat silencing her forever.
Madeline Trevi fell forward driving the knife point all the way through to the back of her neck. Judy kicked her and watched as another witch died on Gallows Hill and new ghost took its place among the rest.
All this. And on a school night no less!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

ATTENTION FELLOW GEEKS! Would you rather watch Batman get beaten up or Wonder Woman belly dancing?

Well here at my blog you get both!!!!!


Batman Beatdown On Vegas Strip - Watch more Funny Videos


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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Chad's Oracles chapter fourteen


Chad’s Oracles

Chapter Fourteen


Thelma awoke feeling brittle and nauseous. She was still captive in the room but she was no longer bound; the empty handcuff hung from the radiator as a silent warning. While she had been in her stupor the window had been boarded over and she found herself wondering how she could have slept through the din of hammers and nails. How many more visions could she endure before she simply never woke again?

Slowly, gingerly she sat up, the sleeping bag’s scratchy fabric fell away from her bare breasts and she pulled it back. How long had she been like this? Inanimate and on display? The little baptismal ceremony was bad enough, but this?

There was bottled water near the radiator. She reached for it, her muscles creaking. She downed almost half the bottle without pausing for breath then felt a flare of pain in her gut.

Too fast. She thought, fighting to keep her gorge down, Too fast. Take it slow.

While waiting from the cramp to pass she wondered if she should call to her captors and let them know she was awake. Hopefully Chad and his Oracles weren’t off on another extended trip. She wasn’t sure she could survive two more days without food and water.

Food. Her stomach grumbled at the very thought, the last of the cramp faded quickly. Thelma took another swig of water and stretched. She wondered again how long she had been unconscious for. She stared down at herself, her rib cage was no more pronounced than usual but her fingernails and leg hair were starting to reach embarrassing levels.

Then she looked down at herself again, she was lying in a small patch of dried blood. Scabby rivulets of it stuck to her lower belly and upper legs.

“Oh no.” She felt her skin go clammy.

How long was I out for? She thought with a tear, How long? Long enough.

The door clicked and swung open, Thelma drew the sleeping bag up to her chin. She tried to look angry, or stern but she couldn’t stop crying and feeling sick.

“Thought I heard you moving around,” Bonita slipped into the room. She had a handful of clothes in one hand and a paper plate with a stale-looking submarine sandwich in the other. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing Thelma’s old shirt. “Are you hungry?”

Thelma said simply, “I want to go home.”

“We both know that’s not gonna happen,” Bonita knelt beside her and waved the sandwich under her nose, “its roast beef.”

Thelma took the plate and began eating in loud chomping mouthfuls.

“I guess you noticed the window,” Bonita walked over to the boards and gave them a tug, “I’ve never seen Chad like this. He doesn’t want to lose you.”

Chad and all of you stand by while I get raped and now you want to tell me how important I am? Thelma kept eating, if anything was going to get her out of this it was going to be keeping a cool head.

“You’re crying,” Bonita said.

“What- what did Chad learn this time. Who was the fat man? Was it his Dad or something?”

“He doesn’t know. He’s got a lot of things written up in notebooks and goes through them all the time.”

“Is it all worth it?” Thelma’s voice broke, “All this nonsense?”

“I think so. Chad is going to change the world, you can just tell.”


“Well, I used to think that he was trying to be ready so he could serve the Hierophant but now I think he wants to be the Hierophant.”

“So he’s got us looking for these hidden gods…”

Bonita nodded, “And for books and treasures so he can figure out their secrets. Sometimes we show him people that might get in his way, serial killers and archeologists.”

“Oh really? And what does he do with them?”

“The Squonks take care of it.”

“You mean they kill them.”

“Yeah, they kill people when he needs them to but they’re very gentle,” Bonita stood up and walked back to the door, “and if it makes you feel any better they’re like mules, they can’t make you pregnant.”

“You really think it does?”

“I’ll come back later OK? Maybe we can play cards or something.”

“Get out.”

Thelma got dressed and laid back down. When she heard the door’s lock click back into place she let her emotions slip.


An hour later Annie brought her another sandwich; she tried to make small talk but Thelma wasn’t in the mood. A few well placed words from her sent the other girl cringing from the room. Two hours after that Maureen knocked on the door and offered to take her to the bathroom.

“Come on.” She said, “Your back teeth must be swimming by now.”

“Yes.” Thelma said, sure that this would be her chance. Squonks or no Squonks she was going to risk a run for it.

Maureen put an arm around her “I’ll get you a washcloth you can clean up a little. We’ll put your hair back or maybe we can cut it a little. I was taking beautician classes before I hooked up with Chad.”

They walked out into the hallway, everything was subdued- even the afternoon daylight; there was no music or sounds of gossip. Thelma kept her pace slow, half feigning weariness and glancing into each doorway she passed. First she saw the Oracles in their room; Bonita was braiding Annie’s hair, Jackie was playing solitaire and Sara was filing her nails. No one was smiling and Annie looked like she had been crying. The window of their room was boarded up too.

Thelma wasn’t surprised to find the bathroom window in the same state. “Is everything barricaded?” She asked as she began her ablutions.

Maureen looked uncomfortable, “Even the doors. Chad’s never been like this before. The other girls blame you.”

“Do you think I care?” She washed gently between her legs, the dried blood felt like grains of sand. She was still a little sore but the real ache was in the pit of her stomach, that and the thought of one of those things slobbering over her, “You think I want to be in your club?”

“Club?” Maureen stepped into the bathroom, crowding the other girl against the edge of the bathtub. She raised her hand but then just used it to steady herself against the edge of the sink, “Laurie’s dead.”

“What happened?”

“What always happens. She got too close to the Maelstrom. Chad says it does something to the pineal gland. He said it’s called the Tillenghast Effect but he always has a funny smile when he says it,” Maureen glared at her, “she was trying to show you up. She was trying to prove to Chad that he didn’t need you. She would have done anything for him.”

Thelma wrapped her arms around herself, “I’m sorry. How did she… What was it like?”

“It’s bad. It’s always bad. If you’re close enough to see the colors it’s too late.”

“Colors?” There was no hot water but Thelma filled the sink anyway, the cold water felt good on her face, “What do you mean colors?”

“Right before the Maelstrom gets you there are these colors like even God hasn’t seen,” Maureen frowned, “come on I have to take you back to your room now. It’s your turn again tonight.”

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Now let me get this straight. They're remaking the remake of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE?

News via

Lionsgate announced that it is teaming with Nu Image on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D, a film that will be sold at Cannes. Takers helmer John Luessenhop will direct and Carl Mazzocone will produce...

Monday, May 9, 2011

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Fifty Two

Elasti-Nerd could stretch every part of his body, causing some people to dismiss him as a pretzel-neck geek.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Fifty One

By now Jennifer had three kinds of jeans in her closet- loose, snug and 'Oh God I'm dying'.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Fifty

Gary the horse's father went for a walk and never came back. Papa was a strolling roan.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Nine

It was standard proceedure for the reps at All Nude tech support to ask the callers to please bare with them.

MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES explores the dark side of Paul Naschy

But even Paul Naschy couldn't be all joy, all the time, and as I dig deeper into the voluminous depths of his surviving filmography, more and more I discover the counterpoint to that joyfulness, the "Dark Naschy" that lay just below the surface, sometimes overlapping (as in his wonderfully villainous turns in El Caminante and Horror Rises from the Tomb), and sometimes taking over entirely. Particularly in the late-70s/early-80s segment of his career, Naschy seems to have had some demons to exorcise, springing perhaps from his sense of insufficient respect for his work, or perhaps from a deeper, more personal space. The "dark" movies sometimes lose that sense of fun that drew me to his spectacularly muscled bosom in the first place, but nonetheless show a fascinating complexity in the man I've come to know and love so well...

Click here to read the rest at MAD MAD MAD MOVIES

SH*T MY STUDENTS WRITE will make you weep for the future

Found via BUZZFEED

(Insane News) My childhood was pretty lousy...

...but at least my parents never took me to a circumcision party!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

In the aftermath of FREE COMIC DAY at ACME COMICS

It was Saturday May 7, my first Free Comic Book day. Quite honestly it wasn't the kind of thing I ever say myself going to but my daughter found out about it and was really intrigued by it. And by intrigued I mean she became fixed on it with every ounce of her 11 year old being.


As you can she the girl is a force to be reckoned with.


So we made our way to ACME COMICS and got there by 10 AM. 


ACME COMICS is the kind of place that makes me wish I had more disposable income- or I should say any disposable income. Even though we got there before they opened there was one Hell of line. So we got in line and we waited...

...and waited...

...and waited...

The thought of being in a long line filled with bored, bratty children and sweaty nerds frightened me especially since my daughter and I had hoped to be the only bratty and sweaty ones there. 

But the good folks of ACME COMICS took that into account. They had kids from the local school selling soda and water. They had friendly folks passing out crayons and paper to the kids. And there were superheroes for photo ops!


(If anyone else asks I did not to ogle any of the spandex clad tushies on display...)

(well maybe that one Green Lantern guy...)

So anyway we got our comics and then I was ready to go but then my daughter saw that Kelly Yates was there.

Kelly Yates is one of the artists that work on IDW's DOCTOR WHO comics. My daughter is 11 years old and caught somewhere between properly nerdly fandom and the nightmare that is the DISNEY CHANNEL's tween-centric programing.

All she knew was that he was an artist that drew DOCTOR WHO COMICS and that she liked what she saw.

So it was off to line #2. The longer line of fanboys and girls waiting to get a sketch or an autograph from the guest artists. Sadly I had forgotten that bald headed men should not stand outdoors in the sun for long periods of time. Oh I'm paying for it now, my head looks the Red Hulk's testicle.

As she waited I got a chance to get a sketch from Ryan Dunlavey, an artist whose style I really enjoy. He asked what kind of a drawing I wanted and I asked him do try and sketch Lorelei from my THE NICK OF TIME (and other abrasions) stories.

His expression said it all, it said "This bloated, sunburned guy in a shirt that reads STUD MUFFIN is as crazy has he looks!"

But he took my suggestion and ran with it. This is what we ended up with- not bad eh?


Then my daughter asked Kelly Yates to draw her one of the Silence from the DOCTOR WHO episodes 'The Impossible Astronaut' and 'The Day Of The Moon'. Mr. Yates told her that he had never drawn one of the Silence before but he was more than willing to make a go of it. He got a reference picture via his iPad and set to work...



He made her day, it was all she talked about. Her message to him is as follows;


"Thank you very much. I hope you go to Hollywood someday. You are a very good artist. Your #1 fan Becca."


All this and we got some free comics too!

Thanks to Acme Comics,  Kelly Yates and Ryan Dunlavey for a great day.

Foreplay On The Edge Of Forever part nine

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Six

Foreplay On The Edge Of Forever

part nine

I kept myself busy for the two weeks between fall and spring semester with writing and videotaping Doctor Who episodes off of PBS. To spice things up I stopped by Adrian’s parents’ place for a pick up game of Dungeons and Dragons.

Although lets be honest here folks, you don’t so much have ‘pick up games’ of Dungeons and Dragons as you have relapses.

Imagine my surprise when I found out who else was there.


“Gordon?” I said.

“Hey Al,” he said with a brutal handshake, “how’s college treating you?”

“Great,” I said, “the people there respect me and my ideas.”

The other guys were busy eating lunch, it was Harry, Adrian and Daniel. Daniel looked up from his burger to snort, “Al you’re in a community college. What do you expect?”

Adrian’s parents’ basement was thick with the aroma of fast food, everyone but me had gotten take out from Empire Burger. Knowing what went on behind the scenes there, I decided to opt for a sandwich. Adrian had replaced his Boris Vallejo posters with Playboy centerfolds. When I had seen these my first thought was to wonder what his Mom must think when she came down here to clean up. Then I looked around again and realized that particular ship must have sailed some time ago.

The sight of Gordon had banished such thoughts. “What about basic training?” I asked him, “What about the Marines?”

Gordon’s reply came through a mouthful fries, “They discharged me.”

“How? Why?”

“The drill sergeant had it in for me,” he explained, “Paris Island was high school all over again. They just didn’t appreciate my skills. Can you believe they wouldn’t let me jump out of a plane until after I finished basic training?”

“Well actually...”

Adrian gestured to his many shelves of games and pornography, “Could we pick a game please?”

“How about Star Trek?” Harry suggested.

“The FASA rules system sucks,” Daniel said dismissively.

“I haven’t played Call of Cthulhu in forever,” I said. Our last game of Call of Cthulhu had been run by Gordon and he had insisted on rolling random encounters every fifteen minutes or so.

Trust me, if you’re a gamer you haven't lived until you've had a character go mad because he saw a nightgaunt sitting in a restroom stall reading a copy of the Necrnomicon.

Call of Cthulhu sucks.” Gordon said.

Adrian gave him a confused look, “Then why did you insist on running it last year?”

“To show you guys how bad it sucked.”

“We should just play D&D,” Daniel said, “but we’ll all be immortals like from Highlander.

Adrian shook his head, “No.”

“But you promised!”

“Not until I perfect my Sean Connery impression.”

Harry got up and pulled a long box from the shelves, “Then how about this?”

Risk isn’t a role playing game,” Adrian said.

“It’s better than arguing all afternoon about what to play.”

Risk it is then.”


Someday a study will be released to show that more relationships have been destroyed by family game night than have been by FACEBOOK or drugs. I am certain of this, but I am less certain which game has caused the most resentment and tearful confrontations- Monopoly or Risk.

The game began with the world divided up at random. The more cautious players, like myself and Harry, tried to wait and build up their forces but the more aggressive players went on the attack from the very first turn.


“You’re goin’ down Bruno!” Daniel said as his ten troops advanced on the poorly defended territory of Yakutsk. My measly three troops were doomed, as doomed as my every attempt to pronounce ‘Yakutsk’.

Dice were rolled and little plastic Roman numerals were removed from the board. I had been pushed back to Eastern Australia, Iceland and New Guinea. All the other players had entire continents under their control, mostly because they had been attacking me exclusively and ignoring each other.

“Yes!” Daniel raised his fist in victory, “I control Asia!”

“Good luck holding on to it,” I said petulantly.

Adrian grabbed the dice, “Get ready to lose Australia Al.”

“Just like you lost Lily,” Daniel added.

I recoiled as though I had been slapped, “What the fuck was that about?”

“It’s true isn’t it?” Adrian said, “I heard she and Jessie are engaged.”

The news stung, but it stung a lot less than I expected, “How would I know? And why should I care? I've moved on, there are other girls in my life.”

“That's awesome.” Gordon said, “Doctor Who has had multiple girls, why shouldn't you?”

“Actually there isn't any hanky-panky in the TARDIS. The Doctor is an asexual being.”

Daniel chuckled, “No wonder he's your hero.”

“Jesus!” Harry said in a rare moment of paying attention, “You guys are supposed to be friends.”

“Why don't you just shut your mouth and get ready for when my troops invade South America?”

“I have had other girlfriends,” I wasn't ready to let this go, “there was this beautiful redhead I was going out with.”

“Was?” Adrian asked as he cashed in three Risk cards for a ridiculous number of armies and began massing troops on our border.

“She... she kinda broke up with me.”

“That figures. You probably acted like a total pussy around her.”

Harry threw up his arms in disgust, “What the Hell is wrong with you people?”

I ignored Harry and kept on talking, “I was the perfect boyfriend.”

Daniel asked, “So perfect she broke up with you?”

At that point Harry gave up and turned his attention to the comic books he had brought with him. Then the battle for Eastern Australia began.

For the record the battle for Eastern Australia was brief and pitiful, my fifteen troops were no match for Adrian's forty. He swept through Eastern Australia and crushed my stronghold in New Guinea for good measure. All I had left was Iceland, I was Bjork's last line of defense.

Gordon put a hand on my shoulder, “Look pal, Adrian is probably right. You were probably a big pile of mush with that redhead and she couldn't respect you. Most women don't respect you.”

“How can you say that?” I asked.

“It was a common topic of conversation at high school, that and Daniel's body odor.”

Now it was Daniel's turn to be upset, “I have a medical condition!”

Now it was my turn to be sarcastic, “You're allergic to soap and water?”

A few insults later we returned to the game. While I was exiled to Iceland the other players went to war with each other. The Risk card numbers had escalated to the point where each player could sweep across the board and nearly win only to get pushed back again. I stayed trapped in Iceland, the other players refused to fully defeat me, they just kept me stuck in one place forever. Much like my career in tech support would do someday in the future.

Once the game, and the recriminations, were over I headed home. Even though it was miles out of the way I drove by Tallula's house and wondered if she really had no respect for me. If she really thought of me as mushy. I didn't see how she could, the night we had made love I was anything but mushy in all the right places.

I realized then that I might have lost my virginity but I still had no idea what it was to be a man.

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