The Binder of Shame
The Second Edition
#1 The Dammed Treasure of Lord deGreasy
A winter invasion of Russia, a movie starring Vanilla Ice, a D&D campaign run by Deviant Boy- bad ideas one and all . The time was the late 80's, the place was Deviant Boy's parent's attic. He was using their pull out bed to sleep on and their pool table to game on. Both surfaces were equally crusty...
El Disgusto: “You're playing a what?”
Me: “A fighter.”
Deviant Boy: “I said you could play anything.”
Me: “And I am playing a fighter.”
El Disgusto: “For a writer you sure lack imagination.”
Me: “Maybe I figure we needed one normal character for this adventure.”
El Disgusto: “What's not normal with me playing a ninja.”
Me: “It's you playing a ninja, that's what's not normal. You'll make it not normal from roll number one.”
Psycho Dave: “And I'm just playing a regular old thief that happens to have 18 double zero strength”
Me: “And who happens to be a Deep One.”
Psycho Dave: “History and the writings of HP Lovecraft show that subhuman races are more likely to become involved in crime. What I'm doing is role playing at it's finest.”
Me: “And you Weasly, you're playing a Techno from the Arduin Grimmores.”
Weasly Crusher: “At level 100 I get a spaceship!”
Me: “And then there's Old Yellowbelly playing a Pacifist.”
Old Yellowbelly: “A Pacifist Druid. It's in the books.”
Me: “Come on. A Pacifist character in D&D? That's like kissing your sister.”
Deviant Boy: “This is second edition so it's more like a handjob.”
Lets everyone pause for a shudder shall we?
So it came to pass that our strange little party of mostly useless characters were called before the king for a mission that an ancient soothsayer predicted would our the first step on leaving leaving a great mark upon the world of Greyhawk.
Deviant Boy: “Do you kneel before Lord deGreasy?”
Weasly Crusher: “Only if he doesn't wave his royal scepter in our faces.”
Old Yellowbelly: “I'll just curl into a ball.”
El Disgust: “Being a ninja I just blend in with my surroundings.”
Me: “Not bad considering you're standing in the middle of a group of half-baked character concepts.”
Psycho Dave: “For the love of Himmler just give us our quest!”
Deviant Boy: “The Lich Beaver is a Giant Beaver that has been possessed by a Demi-Lich.”
Me: “Not the most threatening of host bodies.”
Old Yellowbelly: “Why cares? IT DRAINS LIFE LEVELS!!! We have to go back!”
Me: “We haven't left the castle yet.”
Weasly Crusher: “And we're only level one!”
Psycho Dave: “Lets ride!"
El Disgusto: "This damn treasure horde better have katanas that's all I've gotta say."
Psycho Dave: "Let's. Ride."
Naturally that wasn't all El Disgusto had to say, he had several hours of rules arguments and personal insults ahead of him. it was slow going, not just because of we were trying to avoid wandering monster encounters but also because every few miles we would realize Old Yellowbelly's Pacifist Druid had doubled back for the castle. Did we go back and get him to encourage party loyalty or to taken advantage of his Cure Light Wound spells?
Deviant Boy: "And the giant turtle attacks!"
Old Yellowbelly: "But I was trying to reason with it!"
Deviant Boy: "That's why it attacks you first."
El Disgusto: "I hold back and blend in with my surroundings."
The d20's were not kind to Old Yellowbelly, he lost half his hit points in a single chomp but I'll give him credit, it didn't stop him...
Old Yellowbelly: "I reason with it even harder!"
Me: "I attack!"
Psycho Dave: "I backstab!"
Weasly Crusher: "I fire my flintlock!"
Deviant Boy: "Not bad, the techno, thief and fighter wound the beast but it continues to maul the Pacifist Druid."
Old Yellowbelly: "I grovel!"
Me: "I attack!"
Psycho Dave: "I backstab!"
Weasly Crusher: "I reload my flintlock."
El Disgusto: "I continue to blend in with my surroundings."
Deviant Boy: "Aren't you still on your steed?"
El Disgusto: "Yeah. So?"
Me: "Well this isn't the first time he's looked like a horse's ass."
El Disgusto: "Laugh it up scuzz ball."
Deviant Boy: "The turtle rears and attacks the fighter!"
Me: "Do you mean it rears up and attacks me or that it attacks me with its rear?"
Deviant Boy: "Rears up."
Me: "Thanks. I can never be too sure with you."
Psycho Dave: "I backstab again!"
Old Yellowbelly: "I crawl away."
Weasly Crusher: "I am still reloading my flintlock..."
El Disgusto: "Now is my moment! I attack! GAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
A frightened silence swept around the table as we watched El Disgusto roll his dice and pump his fist at the natural 18. When he finally looked up he asked...
Me: “That scream... what was with that scream?”
El Disgusto: “That is my battle cry.”
Me: “You mean your character's battle cry right?”
El Disgusto: “No. I didn't come here to play act what my ninja says. I came here to role-play.”
Me: “That was your battle cry? You have a battle cry now?”
El Disgusto: “Life is a war.”
Me: “I like to think life is what you make it.”
Psycho Dave: “All I know is that work makes you free.”
Me: “Jesus Dave- someday people are gonna revile you on the Internet for talking like that.”
Psycho Dave: “What's the Internet?”
Me: “I don't know.”
Old Yellowbelly: Is there a draft in here?”
Deviant Boy: “It's from the hole in the fourth wall over there.”
Three more combat encounters and two helpings of pizza rolls later our characters reached the deGreasy Tower...
Deviant Boy: “The mind controlled giant beavers have filled in the moat.”
Old Yellowbelly: “Damn.”
Weasly Crusher: “We need a plan. And I need my balls back.”
El Disgusto: “You'll get your stupid flintlock ammo back when you agree to give me half your take of the treasure.”
Psycho Dave: “I told you we should have raided that village of gnomes back there. We could have sent the prisoners in ahead of us.”
Old Yellowbelly: “That will be a slaughter!”
Weasly Crusher: “My character is Lawful Good, he won't take part in some dam atrocity.”
Me: “You know just because there's a pun to be made it doesn't mean you have to make it.”
Psycho Dave: “Maybe a frontal assault?”
Old Yellowbelly: “I'm not gonna die with a face full of beaver!”
Me: “That probably goes for all of us.”
El Disgusto: “My ninja can sneak in and lower the drawbridge, but then I get an extra share of the treasure.”
Weasly Crusher: “But what about my balls?”
Deviant Boy: “I love gaming...”
We ended up sending the ninja in ahead of us. Well throwing him really. The giant beavers swarmed out of the dam and turned the ninja into the consistency of nougat.
Old Yellowbelly's Pacifist Druid was the next to go- it was a complete surprise to all of us. Who knew you could get a cyanide tooth in Greyhawk?
That left the techno, the thief and the fighter...
Deviant Boy: “The last beaver explodes wetly all over you.”
Psycho Dave: “That was a close shave.”
Me: “Is this what my life has come to?”
El Disgusto: “I seriously hate all you guys.”
Psycho Dave: “We charge into the tower. Is there any sign of the Lich?”
Me: “I search too!”
Weasly Crusher: “As soon as I'm re-loaded I help too.”
Deviant Boy: “You don't find the Lich but you do find the treasure room.”
Psycho Dave: “Excellent. You two stand guard while I search for magic items. With any luck I can find something that shoots fireballs.”
Me: “Maybe we should wait before we start dividing up the treasure.”
Psycho Dave: “For shame! Do I look like one of the lesser races? If we find a fireball weapon we can use it take out the Lich! It's been dead for centuries and very flammable.”
Me: “I don't think...”
Psycho Dave: “Trust me there's nothing worse than a dry beaver.”
Deviant Boy: “As you step into the treasure room you don't see coins or gems you see fifty naked halflings chained to every wall and twenty-five ribbed staffs with permanent Grease spells cast upon them. The halflings bat their eyes seductively at you.”
El Disgusto: “Hey! Get your own battle cry!”
Old Yellowbelly: “I have never been so happy to have my character be dead.”
Me: “Welcome to my world.”
Weasly Crusher: “This is the worst thing ever.”
El Disgusto: “I still hate you all.”
Deviant Boy: “Suddenly the Lich-Beaver teleports into the room! You're all too stunned to react.”
Me: “You're goddamn right we are.”
Deviant Boy: “Weasly have your character make a save versus magic.”
Weasly Crusher: “I just failed a saving throw versus magic.”
Deviant Boy: “As your friends watch in horror you are permanently transformed into a ribbed staff with a Grease spell cast on it.”
Weasly Crusher: “No. I was wrong. THIS is the worst thing ever.”
Me: “Wait a minute! Just a goddamn minute! Everybody stop.”
El Disgusto: “I feel a self-righteous speech coming on.”
Deviant Boy: “What's the matter?”
Me: “Why does everything have to be so... so puerile with you?”
Deviant Boy: “What's wrong with a little mature entertainment?”
Me: “This is not mature entertainment. This is sad. This is pathetic. The Lord of the Rings didn't need a sleazy subtext and neither does a D&D game.”
Weasly Crusher: “You've obviously never heard his 'Brown Eye of Sauron' theory.”
And that's when I gave up...
Me: “Whatever. I attack the Lich.”
Weasly Crusher: “That's it! Avenge me! Split that beaver!”
Me: “Actually I'm just gonna fall on my sword over here. Have fun Dave.”
Psycho Dave: “So it all comes down to me again. Fine. I grab the staff that was Weasly and using my 18 double-zero strength I snap it in half.”
Deviant Boy: “But that will cause an explosion of magical force.”
Old Yellowbelly: “That will cause every other magic item in here to explode.”
El Disgusto: “You'll disintegrate the entire tower and all of us beyond any hope of resurrection.”
Weasly Crusher: “This is the nicest thing anyone has never done for one of my characters!”
And that's how the game ended, we got no glory, honor or experience points, Lord deGreasy never got his creepy treasure back and all we left behind was a something that could have been a crater full of D&D style K-Y jelly or a pink shoggoth but was probably a little of both.
I guess you could say our characters did leave their mark on the world of Greyhawk after all...