Good news! My missus is home and recovering!

So here we go. My wife is home from the hospital and doing well. She wouldn’t exactly describe herself as comfortable but she’s getting back to normal. We all are.

Except for our Chihuahua Sophie, she’s out of her goddamn doggie mind.

Yesterday my father in law and I waited about three hours in the hospital’s super classy family waiting room. It had TV, magazines, wi-fi  free snacks and a piano. About halfway through our waiting and elderly woman came in and started playing the piano and singing for us. I appreciated the effort but honestly I would have preferred more snacks.

Finally the surgeon comes in to tell us the results. This was the first time I’d met him and I am pretty sure that he was at least ten years younger than I was. It was very disconcerting and made me question my life’s choices- where would I have ended up if I’d tried harder in school? Yeah I felt a little twinge of regret but don’t we all? 

I mean how are you going to feel on your deathbed when you realized your wasted hours of your life reading the blog of a man that failed English most of the way through high school and flunked out the ninth grade in its entirety?

My heart goes out to you poor bastards it truly does.

Anyway, the surgeon had pictures. Full color printouts from his laparoscopic journey into my wife’s body.

Wait. That sounded dirtier than I meant.

What I am saying is that he was actually able to show me how he had found my wife’s insides and how he had left them. It was very impressive but this does mark the second time I have seen my wife’s guts and gizzards. The first time was when I peeked over the curtain at what the doctors were doing during her c-section.

Maybe getting these glimpses of Vanessa’s entrails are the secret for our twenty-plus year marriage. After all they do say that it’s what’s inside that counts.

Ba-Dum-BUM.

The surgeon also said that he’d found things in worse shape that he’d expected and had to make eight incisions to get things under control instead of the usual three. He showed me those too and the part of my brain that writes spooky stories couldn’t help but notice that they had a kind of pentagram shape to them.

Where’s the Night Blogger when you need him?

I brought my daughter by for a visit that evening, we all expected her to be in there for several days but the hospital decided to release her today which is awesome because I missed her.

But is also awful because I didn’t put the laundry away like I said I would.

Actually I haven’t even done the laundry at this point but he important thing is that we are all together again and maybe, just maybe, we won’t have the hospital staff recognizing us from our frequent visits.

Now as for the GoFundMe front I am going to ask again for you to do whatever you can, we still have only one paycheck for the foreseeable future and while I can make the big payments like rent, car and utilities but there is very little room for day to day sundries. I am worried that we are going to have to choose between gasoline for the car or toilet paper.

And no matter what thank you all for everything. I mean that.