Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Foreplay On The Edge Of Forever part five

Price Breaks and Heartaches
A journal of retail and failed romance
Chapter Six
Foreplay On The Edge Of Forever
part five

Our first an only performance of Love and How to Cure It went smoothly enough, at least until my final speech.

This was to be the dramatic highpoint not only of the play but also of my amateur acting career, if I found success here who knows what might happen next... Community Theater? Or dare I hope- dinner theater?

All I had to do was put on my jacket and give my speech, then hold a gun to my head. Simple enough eh?

Except that somehow the inner lining of my coat sleeves had gotten torn out so I couldn't get my hand through the arm of my coat. I stumbled over the first line of my heart wrenching speech twice before I finally shoved my arm through the sleeve with such force that I almost set myself spinning in place. By the time I had the gun to my head my heartfelt speech had become the stuff of comedy.

The story of my goddamn life.

Still thought we got applause and when Ramona and I and the rest of the cast took out bows she held my hand.

Not too shabby. I thought to myself.


Usually when struck by personal disaster or setback I tend to just curl into a ball of self pity like a dateless armadillo. I am rarely one to hit the ground running emotionally, and even if I do I just end up shattering my emotional ankles.

As you can see I have the same problems in love that I do when it comes to creating metaphors.

The important thing is this, I had lost Tallulah only to find myself falling into a fresh romance. I suddenly understood what it must feel like to be my Dad- save for the whole wearing spangled shirts thing.

Every few days Ramona and I would get together to grab a bite to eat or just to talk. She pretty much told me she was very uncertain about what she wanted from this relationship so I took things slowly with her, like an animal control officer trying to coax a kitten from its cage so he could gas it with his love.

Damn-it! See what I mean about those metaphors? They get me every time.

But the important thing was that I was sitting laughing in Dunkin' Donuts at 9:30 at night with a very pretty girl and I could see that her eyes were become glazed with desire and soon the cream filling of-

Ok that's it. I'm taking a break from narration until I get this out of my system.


“Are you taking drama again next semester?” Ramona asked.

“Umm--what?” I had been watching her lick icing from her fingers and consequently had no idea what she had just said.

“I said,” she repeated. “Are you taking drama again next semester?”

“Nah. I mean I had fun but acting isn't really my thing. I'm going to take literature and English courses so I can pursue my writing career.”

A burly man entered the Dunkin Donuts and examined the fresh pastries while tapping idly on the counter. The manager came out and yelled at him for tapping on the counter. An argument ensued and no munchkins were sold.

“You might want to think about making your stories a little less violent.” She said, “The one where the guy has his mutant little brother attached to his penis was a bit much.”

I preened, “Thank you. Are you going to pursue acting?”

“I'm not sure, I'd like to but it’s pretty chancy. I think I might try to get a teaching degree.”

“Oh that's awesome, I'd love to do the same thing but my Dad doesn't think it’s a good idea. Teachers don't make a lot of money.”

She regarded me, “But what if it’s what you want to do?”

“I suppose, maybe that's why I'm just going to keep working on writing. I can't really think of anything else I want."

"Don't you want to get married and start a family?”

“Well you know what they say. A stallion's gotta roam free.”

I like to think that the time spent studying improvisational acting allowed me to join in on Ramona's hysterical laughter and pretend I had meant what I said to be a joke.

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