RPG.NET rant #13
Trapped in Jedi Academy
originally posted to RPG.net on 12-24-2002 at 10:35 PM
THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND FANS OF STAR WARS, CRITICS OF GEORGE LUCAS AND ANYONE THAT THINKS GREEDO SHOT FIRST.
FRIDAY 6:00 PM
The 16 years between STAR WARS episode VI and STAR WARS Episode I were a simpler, more innocent time, especially in the world of gaming. Psycho Dave had moved out on his own into a modest little studio apartment on the corner of Crack Whore and Bloodstain, or maybe it just seemed that way.
He had invited everyone to this game, his STAR WARS game set before the fall of the republic where we all played students in the Jedi Academy. Weasly Crusher, Blobert Smith, Deviant Boy and his beloved Asenath were also present. Only El Disgusto was absent, due to injury.
Me: "His dog bit off his WHAT?"
Weasly Crusher: "The tip of his penis."
Me: "But how... why....?"
Blobert Smith: "Do we really wish to know that? Do we really?"
Psycho Dave: "Hey are those the pictures from GEN CON?"
Deviant Boy: "Yeah. Take a look, there was quite the crop of booth babes this year."
Asenath: "I'll say."
Me: "Let me see."
Weasly Crusher: "Are the rumors of a second edition of Dungeons and Dragons true?"
Asenath: "Yes they are."
Psycho Dave: "Why? Why would they mess with perfection?"
Blobert Smith: "As long as I can still play an Anti-Paladin or an Assassin I will continue to greet each role playing experience with a lessened sense of ennui."
Me: "Great pictures Asenath but this one is kinda out of focus and it almost looks like you're... like you're... GREAT HASTUR'S GHOST!"
Weasly Crusher: "Is that...are they... is she...?"
Blobert Smith: "Polishing his wand?"
Psycho Dave: "Kissing his Mynock?"
Weasly Crusher: "Rolling his Sanity?"
Me: "What the Hell this?"
Asenath: "Sorry, don't how those got in there. Those are from our private collection."
Deviant Boy: "But they were taken at GEN CON."
Me: "Yeah well you two should keep that stuff to yourselves."
Asenath: "Sorry to have offended you- but I am especially proud of this picture here-"
Me: "MY EYES!!!!!"
Deviant Boy: "Oh come on we are adults here."
Psycho Dave: "Wait a second. If she's there... and he's over there... who's taking this picture?"
Asenath: "Well we ended up having a kind of three-way with someone who worked for White Wolf."
Blobert Smith: "Do my ears deceive me? Have by some dark miracle you found a way to congeal your flesh with the flesh of the dark geniuses that birthed the gaming miracle known as VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE?"
Deviant Boy: "Well he said he worked for White Wolf."
Asenath: "He was wearing mostly black."
Psycho Dave: "Whoever he was he wasn't much a photographer."
Me: "Hey maybe we should start the game before I end up seeing someone else's genitalia."
Blobert Smith: "I merely wish that I might one day be able to see my own genitalia again, but sadly the Fruit Pie is a harsh mistress."
Psycho Dave: "OK let's start making characters. Remember this game will let you trace the development of your young jedi apprentice. Remember this is the Jedi academy-pre Star Wars pre-that Wuss Darth Vader."
Weasly Crusher: "Darth Vader is a wuss?"
Psycho Dave: "If Vader was really a Sith master he would have killed his son and the Emperor and taken the whole thing over for himself."
Blobert Smith: "A specious victory at best. What about the forces commanded by Leia and Han Solo?"
Psycho Dave: "All Vader would have to do is firebomb the surface of Endor and then once he captures Leia he can make her his bride."
Me: "She's his daughter."
Psycho Dave: "Yes and this way the power of the force and their bloodline will stay pure."
Asenath: "Makes sense."
But of course the girl with a flipper arm would agree.
So we got to work making our characters. Each of us was playing a fresh faced young recruit. They all found ourselves at the Jedi Academy, lined up and waiting for Master Yoda.
Friday 7:00 PM
Psycho Dave: "A hush passes over the room as Master Yoda enters. The small diminutive figure clears his throat before beginning to speak."
Weasly Crusher: "Wow."
Me: "I'm impressed."
Deviant Boy: "This may be the coolest game ever."
Psycho Dave: "Master Yoda surveys you and then he begins to speak. 'I AM JEDI MASTER YODA, YOUR SENIOR JEDI INSTRUCTOR. FROM NOW ON YOU WILL SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO, AND THE FIRST AND LAST WORDS OUT OF YOUR FILTHY GARBAGE CHUTES WILL BE MASTER! DO YOU SPACE MAGGOTS UNDERSTAND THAT?'"
All of us: "Master, yes Master!"
Psycho Dave: "'SHAZBOT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SOUND OFF LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR!'"
Everyone Else: "Master yes master!"
Psycho Dave: "IF YOU NON-JEDI SCUM LEAVE MY PLANET, IF YOU SURVIVE RECRUIT TRAINING... YOU WILL BE A WEAPON, YOU WILL BE A PEACE LOVING MINSTER OF DEATH PRAYING FOR WAR. BUT UNTIL THAT DAY YOU ARE PUKES! YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE. YOU ARE NOT EVEN SENTIENT LIFE. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT UNORGANIZED GRABASSTIC PIECES OF AMPHIBIAN SHIT! AND I SHOULD KNOW I AM AMPHIBIOUS! BECAUSE I AM HARD YOU WILL NOT LIKE ME. BUT JEDI DO NOT HATE SO I MUST BEAT THE TRANQUILITY OF THE LIGHT SIDE OF THE FORCE INTO YOU! DO YOU SPACE MAGGOTS UNDERSTAND THAT?'"
All of us: "Master Yes Master."
Psycho Dave: "Yoda walks up to Blobert's character. What does he look like?"
Blobert Smith: "My character looks like a long haired albino painted by Michael Whelan. His name is Fauntleroy Jones.... Ya'all."
Psycho Dave: "'BANTHACOOKIES! FROM NOW ON YOUR NAME IS APPRENTICE SQUARENUTS! YOU LIKE THAT NAME.'"
Blobert Smith: "It doesn't really have the resonance I was looking for... ya'all."
Deviant Boy: "What's with the Southern accent?"
Blobert Smith: "My character is from the southern half of the galaxy."
Psycho Dave: "CLOSE YOUR SHAFTS!"
Me: "Are you sure Yoda would act like this?"
Psycho Dave: "Master Yoda force chokes your character until he blacks out."
Friday 8:00 PM
Ever the consummate game master Psycho Dave took a moment out to give each player a moment to introduce his character before crushing them completely. Weasly was playing a young boy with extraordinary mathematical abilities named Adric, Deviant Boy and Asenath were playing incestuous cousins. Psycho Dave took us step by step through his vision Jedi training.
Me: "So it's like an automated pitching machine-"
Psycho Dave: "Except it fires shotputs."
Weasly Crusher: "So I'm blindfolded and you're shooting 10 pound metal balls at me?"
Psycho Dave: "If the force is strong in you- you will survive. Roll those dice."
Friday 9:00 PM
Me: "Once I'm finished visiting Weasly's character in the infirmary I sneak back to the barracks in time for lights out."
Asenath: "After lights out and we're all in our bunks my cousin and I use the force to massage each other's genitals to the point of orgasm."
Me: "I- uhh..."
Weasly Crusher: "Jedi's can do that? No wonder they're so tranquil."
Psycho Dave: "'SHUT YOUR FILTHY SPACE-HOLES!'"
Friday 11 PM
Psycho Dave: "'THIS IS MY SABER. THIS BLADE....'"
Friday 11:59 PM
Psycho Dave: "Each of you climb into your Y-Wing fighters and prepare for your first training mission. Your craft are all parked on the dark side of the planet."
Weasly Crusher: "I'm just glad that my character is out of the infirmary. I really wasn't sure how to role play getting colonic enemas."
Blobert Smith: "Is anyone?"
Psycho Dave: "OK Weasly your character is first. Make a piloting roll as you fly across the planet's darkside."
(Dice are rolled)
Weasly Crusher: "Yes!"
Psycho Dave: "Excellent! Now the live fire part of the exercise."
Weasly Crusher: "What?"
Saturday 12:30 AM
Deviant Boy: "We all saved up and got your character this fruit basket Weasly."
Weasly Crusher: "Wow. I'd eat it if my character still had limbs."
Saturday 1:30 AM
Blobert Smith: "I challenge Apprentice Malfoy to a duel! I'm tired of his crap... ya'all."
Deviant Boy: "Rich little snot! How dare he sabotage our float for Mandalorian Pride week!"
Asenath: "Be careful he's very skilled."
Me: "Look this has been... look... it's late and I do have to be to work in the morning."
Psycho Dave: "I thought you were here to play a game, not bug out because you were a little sleepy."
Me: "I have work commitment's."
Psycho Dave: "What about your commitment to the force?"
Me: "OK I'll give this another hour. At least until the end of the duel."
Saturday 2:30 AM
Weasly Crusher: "It was nice of Master Yoda to let us share a hospital room."
Blobert Smith: "Those were, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst die rolls of my life."
Deviant Boy: "I steal some rubber gloves and dental dams for later."
Asenath: "Ever the romantic."
Me: "OK I'm out of here."
Weasly Crusher: "Sounds like a good place to stop."
Psycho Dave: "But the game isn't done yet."
Me: "But two-thirds of the party are in the infirmary."
Psycho Dave: "There are still adventures to be had!"
Me: "Come on, let's wrap it up."
Psycho Dave: "OK just a minute. I have a few more scenes to do OK? Please?"
Weasly: "Oh OK."
Psycho Dave: "OK I need one more thing."
Psycho Dave excused himself to his bedroom. Weasly and I began to pack up to leave. Blobert began trying to stand. Deviant Boy and Asenath were debating locations they could go parking. Everyone fell silent when Psycho Dave walked out of his room carrying a sawed off shotgun.
Me: "Ah... what is that?"
Psycho Dave: "I like to make important die rolls by bouncing the dice off the barrel."
Weasly Crusher: "Is that loaded?"
Psycho Dave: "Probably."
Blobert Smith: "I am not comfortable with guns at the gaming table."
Psycho Dave: "I'm sorry, it's just that gaming is the only thing that matters in my life anymore. And when I can't game it feels like my soul is being drawn into a dark miasma where right and wrong no longer matter."
Weasly Crusher: "You know we could stay a little longer."
Me: "Yeah why stop now?"
Deviant Boy: "This is kinda scary."
Asenath: "Yeah it gets me so hot."
Deviant Boy: "You little whore!"
Asenath: "You rampant stallion!"
Me: "What's WRONG with you two?"
Saturday 3:30 AM
Asenath: "Look someone stole my character's lightsaber and none of us is leaving here until I find out who it is!"
Weasly Crusher: "I think the janitor is evil."
Weasly Crusher: "Every time he appears Psycho Dave plays the Imperial March on his casio keyboard."
Saturday 5:00 AM
Blobert Smith: "We can make the skunk our pet! The barracks mascot! I shall call him Hawkmoon!"
Weasly Crusher: "But what if Master Yoda finds out? We'll be in big trouble."
Blobert Smith: "We'll be fine so long as there are no sudden noises."
Psycho Dave: "Master Yoda bursts in the room. 'WHAT IS ALL THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WHISPERING?'"
Saturday 5:15 AM
Deviant Boy: "You know I'm pretty sure hanging us by our thumbs should get Yoda a Dark Side point."
Psycho Dave: "'SHUT YOUR FILTHY SPACE HOLE!'"
Saturday 6:30 AM
Me: "OK. Fine. I help the rest of the party sabotage Apprentice Malfoy's spacecraft."
Weasly Crusher: "Do you think this is part of the metaplot?"
Saturday 7:15 AM
Psycho Dave: "Master Yoda says 'YOU ARE NOW READY FOR THE ADVANCED SPACE FIGHTER COURSE!'"
Weasly Crusher: "I hide at the back of the line and hope he doesn't see me."
Me: "OK I go first."
Psycho Dave: "'YOU WILL FINISH THIS COURSE SPACE MAGGOT!'"
Me: "Yes master yes. I will do my best."
Psycho Dave: "'YOU WILL FINISH THIS COURSE! YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!' And then Yoda whips out a blaster and shoots you in the femur. You have five rounds before you bleed to death."
Saturday 10:00 AM
Me: "Well I'm late for work."
Psycho Dave: "Who cares? Your characters have all gone AWOL to go to a space whorehouse!"
Deviant Boy: "Finally gaming I can relate to!"
Weasly Crusher: "Blobert's character and mine shared a space 'ho."
Blobert Smith: "Yes and just remember who shot first my boy."
Saturday 2:00 PM
Me: "While everyone else is at the zero gravity Hoe-down I lock myself in my footlocker and blow my brains out."
Psycho Dave: "OK. Roll."
(Dice are rolled)
Me: "How could I miss?"
Psycho Dave: "Why are you trying to ruin the game for everyone else?"
Me: "Look maybe this game is fun for you but this is not Star Wars!"
Weasly Crusher: "Ab3! He's armed! Never taunt an armed gamemaster!"
Psycho Dave: "What exactly do you mean?"
Me: "Look, cartoon plots, people with bad accents and horny teenagers pretending to be bad asses is NOT what Star Wars is about. I'm out of here."
Psycho Dave: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
Weasly Crusher: "Look, my character is stuck in a john with no paper. Can he use the force to grab a roll from the storage closet?"
Psycho Dave: "Huh? Oh yeah. Finally you're acting like a Jedi."
Legend says that game went on for three days, until only Blobert Smith was left. I never gamed with Psycho Dave again, he slowly drifted away from my circle of friends lost into a downward spiral of madness, self-loathing and Games Workshop products.