RPG.NET rant #9
Never Leave Your Nads Behind
originally posted to RPG.net on 10-12-2002 10:53 PM:
WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND OWNERS OF NADS, HEAVY DRINKERS, HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP AND ANYONE THAT EVER OWNED A COPY OF LORDS OF CREATION.
Allow me to set the stage for you. Have you ever seen the cartoon Beauty and The Beast? Remember the Beast's library with shelf after shelf of books? Well, imagine that place but instead of books there's nothing but shelf after shelf of pornography.
That is what Deviant Boy's apartment was like.
Of course now that he was living with his girlfriend, Asenath Summerisle, so I expected some changes.
The game he had planned to run was LORDS OF CREATION, it seemed that it was a rite of passage in Albany. Everyone had to try and run the game at least once. El Disgusto had refused to come claiming that being near Asenath's misshapen arm made him all queasy.
This from a man that eats frozen fishsticks out of the box.
So it was just me, Psycho Dave, the Amazing Boozehound and Weasly Crusher- Asenath would be playing with us as well. Once again I had assumed a woman's touch would change the tone of the games we were playing. I envisioned a game where innocent halflings were not set on fire and used as shields.
Deviant Boy: "You guys are late."
Me: "That's because someone insisted on making mixed drinks while I drove."
The Amazing Boozehound: "I can't game without Harvey Wallbanger!"
Weasly Crusher: "Well at least your car is disinfected."
Me: "My car was never infected."
Psycho Dave: "Hey I just noticed you have curtains."
Deviant Boy: "And plants."
Me: "Doesn't your sweetheart mind all this smut you have lying around?"
Deviant Boy: "My lady is very liberal minded. Very liberal minded."
At that moment Asenath stepped into the living room, if I haven't said it before let me say it now that she was a very pretty girl- flipper arm or not. Still though, pretty girl or not, the outfit she wore was a bit much. It was like a Hentai fashion nightmare, part schoolgirl outfit, part leatherwear.
Asenath: "Are we ready to game?"
Me: "We all rolled up characters beforehand."
The Amazing Boozehound: "I made margaritas!"
Weasly Crusher: "I can't believe we're playing this game again."
Deviant Boy: "Well this time it will be different."
Me: "Different does not mean better."
Asenath: "Well the system looks interesting, I like how you can go from being a total weakling to a god."
The Amazing Boozehound: "We don't usually get that far. Usually El Disgusto does something to wreck the game."
Weasly Crusher: "I'm kind of glad he isn't here."
Psycho Dave: "So Asenath, what other systems have you played?"
Asenath: "Well I've played D&D, CHILL, a little ROBOTECH and I love VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE."
Me: "I've been trying to get these guys to try that game out."
Psycho Dave: "I will never ever play that game."
Asenath: "Why not?"
Psycho Dave: "It's a big rip-off, none of the stuff in that rulebook is original."
Deviant Boy: "Is this an Anne Rice thing? Anne Rice didn't create the vampire genre."
Psycho Dave: "It's not an Anne Rice thing."
Me: "Then who are they ripping off?"
Psycho Dave: "GILIGAN'S ISLAND."
The Amazing Boozehound: "Anne Rice ripped off GILLIGAN'S ISLAND?"
Weasly Crusher: "What are you talking about?"
Psycho Dave: "Look it's so obvious that VAMPIRE rips off GILIGAN'S ISLAND that most stupid people don't notice it. Let me explain. OK first there are the clans; the Ventrue is based on Mr. Howell, the Nosferatu his wife Lovey, Ginger is the Toreador, Mary-Ann is the Gangrel, the Professor is the Tremere, Skipper is the Brujah and of course Gilligan is a Malkavian. The Island that traps them and protects them is the Masquerade. See? It's a total rip-off!"
Me: "That's almost as bad as his 'Teletubbies Ripped off Call of Cthulhu' rant."
After that the game began. It was a simple premise really we were college students on a cross country road trip. Deviant Boy let us role-play for an hour or so, letting us get used to each other and our characters. Asenath wasn't bad at all as a role player, the two things I found unnerving about her was that she never seemed to blink and that she was pretty much making out with the GM all the while we played.
Deviant Boy: "Ok you're running low on gas, there is a filling station up ahead."
The Amazing Boozehound: "Good I gotta pee."
Deviant Boy: "Great roleplaying."
The Amazing Boozehound: "No I mean I really gotta pee, where is your facility?"
Asenath: "Down the hall, the bathroom door has an autographed poster of Christy Canyon on it."
Weasly Crusher: "Who's Christy Canyon? Is she a superhero?"
Deviant Boy: "Kinda."
Asenath: "Well since my character's driving I'll pull into the filling station and start gassing up."
Me: "My character gets out of the car to stretch his legs."
Psycho Dave: "My character gets out of the car, locks himself in the men's room and cradles the femur bone he carries with him for luck."
Weasly Crusher: "My character goes and looks around."
The Amazing Boozehound: "I'm back what did I miss?"
Deviant Boy: "You're just in time for the meteor crash."
Weasly Crusher: "That's funny it sounded like you said a meteor was going to crash into the gas station."
Deviant Boy: "Roll to dodge."
Needless to say no one dodged the meteor, or the subsequent fireball. I began to wonder if this wasn't some kind of revenge for the 'ninja motorcycle' incident. Deviant Boy excused himself to go and get us some refreshments. He took his game notes with him.
The Amazing Boozehound: "I'm all out of vodka. Who's been drinking my vodka?"
Weasly Crusher: "You."
Psycho Dave: "Soon as I find out how much damage I took I'm gonna find out who threw a meteor at me and fuck them up."
Me: "Dream that little dream."
Asenath: "This is so much fun. It so great to be playing with you guys after all the stories I've heard."
Me: "If you'd heard all the stories about us you wouldn't be playing."
Asenath: "You're funny! It's hard to believe you haven't had a date in four years."
One of the great things about being a writer is your can revisit those moments when you were struck speechless and finally have some good comebacks. Sadly I still don't have the slightest idea what to say after a slam like that. Thankfully Asenath excused herself to go see what was taking Deviant Boy so long with the popcorn. When the returned with sodas and snacks they were both out of breath and their skin was flushed.
Deviant Boy: "Ok now where were we?"
The Amazing Boozehound: "We all died."
Deviant Boy: "No you didn't. As I said there is a blinding flash and then each of you wakes up in a separate location. Boozehound, you wake up in a dark container, feeling groggy and achy."
The Amazing Boozehound: "I hear you."
Deviant Boy: "What do you want to do?"
The Amazing Boozehound: "I try to escape."
Deviant Boy: "Make a roll for it."
The Amazing Boozehound: "I knew I forgot something! I'll be right back."
We watched him stagger out the door to my car. I hadn't left the doors unlocked so I was sure he would be back soon. With him gone Deviant Boy turned his attention to Weasly Crusher.
Deviant Boy: "Ok Weasly you wake up, but you can't move. A night light is shining directly in your eyes."
Weasly Crusher: "Can I speak?"
Deviant Boy: "No."
Weasly Crusher: "Can I see who's doing this to me?"
Deviant Boy: "You notice that these figures are very vague and nondescript. They're humanoid yet alien. They're short but tall, thin but fat. Perhaps your character would notice more if he weren't blinded by pain."
Weasly Crusher: "Pain?"
Deviant Boy: "They are using some kind of laser device to sheer off your body hair and genitals."
Weasly Crusher: "WHAT? Am I bleeding to death?"
Deviant Boy: "No the wounds are oddly bloodless."
Weasly Crusher: "Can't I do anything? Can't I say anything?"
Deviant Boy: "No you are helpless as you see them put your hair and reproductive parts into a plastic bag and vacuum seal it?"
Weasly Crusher: "They put my NADS in a BAGGIE?"
Deviant Boy: "When this is done they leave the room. They speak of something that sounds a bit like a coffee break but not quite."
Weasly Crusher: "And they just leave me there all shivering and nadless?"
Deviant Boy: "That they do. Slowly your character begins to regain movement. He manages to fling his body off the operating table."
Weasly Crusher: "Can I figure out how all this stuff works?
Deviant Boy: "No it's in a vague alien language."
Weasly Crusher: "Then I grab my nads and run."
Deviant Boy: "Meanwhile, Psycho Dave your character wakes up in a four poster bed covered with silken quilts."
Psycho Dave: "I didn't think they made silken quilts."
Deviant Boy: "All the more reason to suspect alien involvement."
Psycho Dave: "My character gets out of bed and looks around the room."
Deviant Boy: "Ok your character swings his stubby legs out of the bed and hops down to the floor. You notice that everything seems smaller."
Psycho Dave: "Where is my character's femur bone? His garrote? His bag of jelly babies?"
Deviant Boy: "All you have is the blue sailor suit you're wearing."
Psycho Dave: "Wait a minute. I've been turned into boy in a sailor suit?"
Deviant Boy: "Yes."
Me: "What kind of game is this?"
Asenath: "Give it a chance guys."
Weasly Crusher: "What about nads? Does he have his nads?"
Deviant Boy: "Yes. The child's portion but yes."
Weasly Crusher: "Damnit!"
Psycho Dave: "I am not wearing a sailor suit damn you! I rip off the sailor suit and go to the closet."
Deviant Boy: "You dozens of tiny blue sailor suits hanging there waiting for you."
Psycho Dave: "Fine I walk naked out of the room and ask who I have to piss on to get a trenchcoat and a jockstrap."
Deviant Boy: "All right but before we see what happens let's switch over to Ab3."
Weasly Crusher: "What about my nads?"
Deviant Boy: "Ab3 your character awakens to the scent of manure."
Me: "Well I suppose it could be worse."
Deviant Boy: "Looking down at yourself you can see that your body now looks like this."
At this point Deviant Boy passed around a copy of SPANKING LESBIAN's magazine and pointed to a particular model. It was this moment that gave me one of my greatest gaming vows-never play in a rpg run by someone that considers HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP a love story.
Me: "So I'm a girl."
Psycho Dave: "I've been saying that for years."
Weasly Crusher: "He's not just a girl, he's a hottie. I'd push my grandma down the stairs for a chance with a hottie like him."
Me: "I hope you have cab fare home Romeo."
Deviant Boy: "Your character looks out the windows and sees that she's-
Deviant Boy: "-in a cabin on an alien world. Twin suns blaze over the mountains of dung and machinery that surround you."
Me: "So let me recap. My character has had his-"
Deviant Boy: "Her-"
Me: "gender changed and is now being held prisoner on an alien manure farm?"
Deviant Boy: "Maybe not a prisoner, as your character looks down over the supple curves of her body she sees a wedding ring on her elegantly manicured finger."
Me: "Check please!"
Deviant Boy: "Now my dear we turn our attention to you."
Deviant Boy: "Your character wakes up lying on a glowing white slab, she is bathed in warmth. Tall, angelic like beings dote on you."
Asenath: "Can I move?"
Deviant Boy: "Your character sits up and the beings waiting on you smile and they begin to whisper to you with their minds. They call you 'The Chosen One'."
The plot fell into place fairly quickly. Aliens from a nondescript dimension had kidnapped us using a teleporting meteor bomb. These aliens used human slave labor for all their most disgusting attacks, these aliens also found human women to be the most desirable in the galaxy.
The only problem was that the teleporting meteor bombs were 99.98% fatal to women, so these aliens decided that the best course of action was to turn select human males into females. This was why my character was now sporting killer gams and Weasly Crusher was a hairless gelding. Psycho Dave's character had been regressed to childhood because human children were popular pets.
Because Asenath's character had survived the teleporting meteor bomb she had been taken in by a cadre of space angels opposed to the vaguely alien slavery. They told her that she was the 'Chosen One' and began preparing her to free the human captives.
Deviant Boy: "...and then they give you a sword fueled with stellar energy. The scabbard fits neatly onto your winged space angel armor. As you walk through the space cathedral to your spaceship each of the angel bows to you and gives you a mystical talisman."
Asenath: "This is SO cool honey."
Me: "Uh, I don't mean to complain but it's been an hour..."
Deviant Boy: "Oh I'm sorry. Where did we leave your character Ab3?"
Me: "Uh, my honeymoon?"
Deviant Boy: "Ah yes. Your husband locks the door behind him and undresses, his crowded groin pulses wantonly."
Me: "My character jumps out the window."
Deviant Boy: "The moat of raw sewage breaks your fall."
Psycho Dave: "Taste the adventure Ab3!"
Me: "You wanna taste blood?"
Asenath: "Will my character be able to bring her telepathic rottweilers with her into space?"
Deviant Boy: "Of course."
Weasly Crusher: "Speaking of dogs, has my character eluded his captors?"
Deviant Boy: "You can still hear the space bloodhounds barking, they seem to be getting closer. Don't forget you are at the edge of a cliff."
Weasly Crusher: "Ok I climb down the cliff face."
Deviant Boy: "There will be significant penalties for doing it one handed."
Weasly Crusher: "But it's just a little baggie!"
Deviant Boy: "Sorry."
Weasly Crusher: "Fine, I stuff my nads into my mouth and start climbing."
Me: "There's a mental image that will haunt me on my deathbed."
Asenath: "My ship takes the lead and I lead the space angel fleet to the vague dimension!"
Psycho Dave: "I tear off my sailor suit and try to escape."
(Much dice rolling and cursing later)
Deviant Boy: "Once again the headmaster catches you and gives your bottom a vicious spanking."
Weasly Crusher: "I wish El Disgusto was here. He would have ruined the game by now."
Me: "Hey, where is the Amazing Boozehound?"
At this moment we saw the flashing lights. We all ran outside, some of us eager to leave the game, some of us disappointed. We found the Amazing Boozehound sitting in the back of a police car- he was pasty and covered with dirt and vomit. He kept pressing his face against the police car window and reciting dialogue from STAR TREK movies.
Policeman 1: "Near as we can figure he wandered off got lost and showed up at the Denny's over on Wolf Road."
Policeman 2: "He was hallucinating he kept running through the hedges around the restaurant shouting 'Look at me I'm a ranger!'"
The Amazing Boozehound: "... I never took the Kobayashi Maru test. What did you think of my solution?"
Me: "Our friend may have had a bit too much to drink tonight and-"
Psycho Dave: "Hmm boy I sure do love bacon sandwiches!"
Weasly Crusher: "Cut it out!"
Me: "And we'll bring him home and let him sleep it off if you will let us."
Psycho Dave: "Hmmmm bacon AND lettuce."
Weasly Crusher: "Are you out of your mind?"
Policeman 1: "I don't know he was acting kind of odd, and he had these weird shaped dice."
Policeman 2: "The kind of dice associated with the occult."
Deviant Boy: "No. We were just playing a role playing game."
Policeman 1: "I've heard about those. Aren't those the kinds of games serial killers play?"
Psycho Dave: "No that's Candyland."
Weasly Crusher: "Don't do that!"
The Amazing Boozehound: "...You have been and always shall be- my friend."
Policeman 1: "I don't know a lot about these roll-games. Can you explain to me what the game you were playing was about?"
Me: "Maybe you should just arrest us now."
Another narrow escape, another failed campaign. I wasn't even upset that Deviant Boy's game had been nothing more than an ego stroke for his sweetheart, that she got to play hero while the rest of us swam through raw sewage while being chased by vaguely alien sex slavers.
When on the Amazing Boozehound threw up in my car on the ride home-then I was angry.