5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Three

Jeff found that prison was a lot like high school except with slightly more sodomy.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred And One Through Four Hundred and Fifty

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and One

In a world where people Twittered while eating and driving, trapeze artists suddenly seemed passe.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Two

It was the first multiple monster brain transplant, then Professor Lindquist realized they had a brain left over.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Three

Erato disabled the bank robbers with blasts of mystical energy and the occasional kick to the groin.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Four

Lorelei stared at the yellowed photograph. “Jason...” she said with dawning horror. “You had a PERM?”

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Five

Reading through the memo filled him with the same kind of dread he felt watching a pregnant woman rollerblade.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Six

Karl worked up the nerve to go to a nudist colony- sadly it was during Enormous Goiter Acceptance Week.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seven

Psychotic Kid learned that dramatically crashing through windows and bulletproof glass did not mix.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eight

The difference between telemarketers and serial killers is that not everyone thinks serial killers deserve the death penalty.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Nine

The minute his date's Mom said he was the nicest boy she had ever brought home he knew he was done for.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ten

Every kindergärtner makes a flower pot from a soup can, glue and uncooked pasta. Not every student gets it stuck to his hair.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eleven

Once Karl was at the brothel he made love to Hope and Faith- they had no Mercy.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twelve

Bad enough Captain Hero had been captured by Nefario worse yet he was saved by the smug and invulnerable Commander Infinity.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirteen

It was to be a mystical duel of the deadliest, most arcane kind, of all the time for Lorelei to get a zit on her nose

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fourteen

The dog had gas, the cat had hairballs and the parrot was molting- the hamster ran from home the first chance he got.

5 Second Fiction four Hundred and Fifteen

Finally at his wits end the Lord God made Richard Dawkins the messiah and let the chips fall where they may.

5 Second Fiction four Hundred and Sixteen

Rusty Johnson was able to save Captain Hero's poodle from the brink of death by making it bionic. It was too late for the goldfish.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventeen

Time travelers frequently stopped in the early 21st century to place bets on the fights that broke out at town hall meetings.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighteen

The rift between our world and the Pornoverse widened, slowly... sensually... yeah... just the way you like it.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Nineteen

It was a fantastic morning, the sun shone, the birds sang- then she went to work and ruined it.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty

She always thought of herself as resilient, a veritable stress sponge. But now she just felt wrung out.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty One

Zeth thought that was the last of the shapeless demons but he had another Thing coming.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Two

Her beasts heaving the dyslexic erotica writer gently stroked her lover's pens.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Three

There may be no atheists in foxholes but there are a surprising number of D&D players on base.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Four

The woman that worked at the bank found being an informant easy, after all she was already a teller.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Five

The only difference between goth chicks and hippie chicks is in the way they redecorate your place after they move in.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Six

Management pulled all but three employees off the floor so they could have a meeting about the improving customer service.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Seven

It doesn't matter what the subject of that day's group therapy for monsters will be, it will always end with the vampires crying.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Eight

Psychotic Kid always wanted an animal sidekick but Snappy the Box Turtle of Justice was more trouble than he was worth.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Nine

“I thought you were joking!” she cried.

He stood there naked save for flippers and KY jelly trying to think of something to say.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty

George was a mechanic and every time a customer tried to imitate the sound their car was making he died a little more inside.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty One

The only place more dreaded than the Garden of Torture and the Pit of Terror was the Foyer of 1,000 Screams.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Two

Corporates' new 'Problem Ownership' policy made it easy for everyone to blame the new guy in IT for everything.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Three

And 9 months later she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, that's what they got for having sex on a trampoline.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Four

“I've lived with ghosts and I've lived with cats,” Magwier explained, “and I don't like either watching me on the toilet.”

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Five

Each time he hit the snooze alarm he was sent to a new and bizarre parallel world but in each of them he was still late for work.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Six

Captain Hero worked hard at rehabilitating Doomsday Girl, sometimes until it chafed.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Seven

In the cruelest of ironies Hell's only radio station only plays nothing but 'Stairway to Heaven' 24 hours a day.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Eight

Today would be the last chance for her to throw her arms around him and confess her love, sadly he had chosen to be cremated.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Nine

The laziest zombies learned to follow retirees as they drove to the Golden Corral or the farmer's market.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty

Agent Krump captured a serial killer with a fetish for elaborate deathtraps by watching the hardware stores with the best prices.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty One

Captain Hero explained to Novablaze he didn't have anything against fire based powers but the team just didn't have the insurance.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Two

It wasn't easy for Agent Krump to justify spending $4000 at a strip club on his expense account but that was the challenge of it.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Three

Leo's wife didn't understand him, mostly because he refused to speak anything but Klingon these days.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Four

Brad's parents didn't realize they had put their son on the bus for ballet camp instead of Boy Scouts. It was the best summer ever.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Five

There are a thousand ways to say you're leaving for good this time, but each sounds like something breaking.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Six

In the future everyone will have a blog they update in real time, no one will ever have free time to read any of it.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Seven

No one thought of Jason as technically-minded but he really was on the cutting edge of upskirt technology.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Eight

They raised the prices on the snack machine as downsizings neared, it was binge and purge on a corporate scale.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Nine

Hrothgar the Viking never thought of himself as much of a superhero, the supervillains he stabbed felt likewise.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty

Orphaned, raised by a family of Bonobos and then orphaned again, Nature Boy had issues with boundaries, hygiene and abandonment.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred And Fifty One Through Five Hundred

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty One

Like every mad scientist he started out in childhood with an Etch-A-Sketch, an EZ-Bake Oven and a thirst for revenge.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Two

She understood that the secret to a happy marriage was humor, understanding and occasional use of a strap on sexual device.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Three

If nothing else putting Darrin Puffnstuff in charge of the HR Department did raise morale.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Four

For his 1st adventure Mr. Xtreme tried to arrest a biker gang for double parking, there was no 2nd adventure.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Five

Nature Boy's only power was the the ability to find convenient vines to swing from, even on the subway. It was uncanny.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Six

Once he saw the truth he had to look away.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Seven

“Cthulhoid breast implants? That explains it! No man can resist the Mounds of Tinados.”

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Eight

In the end cats saved the world, and they were pretty damn smug about it too.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Nine

Once the zombies reached Margaritaville he truly became a Jimmy Buffet.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty

The rivalry between genetic research teams escalated into a battle between armies of hairless mammoths and singing landsquids.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty One

Lord Wells challenged several rivals, scheduling all the duels for the same day and escaped in the chaos of swordplay and gunfire.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Two

“Christians smell like incense, worshipers of eldrich gods smell like musty tomes and Satanists smell like Astroglide.”

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Three

It wasn't until he was having sex with a beehive that Hui realized the 7 Challenges of Death were just a way to screw with newbies.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Four

The warrior, the magic user and the thief abandoned exploring dungeons in favor of an elaborate Ponzi scheme.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Five

Karl finally understood why some condoms were for enhanced sensitivity when she started pointing and laughing

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Six

The juice box fight quickly got out of hand and the entire server system went down in a shower of sparks and lemon-mango.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Seven

On the way home to his wife he took a Viagra then got stuck in traffic for two hours. Thank God for tinted windows.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Eight

A bizarre scheduling error resulted in GWAR playing at the late senator's funeral.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Nine

There were tiny bells on the silver anklet she wore; they jangled wildly as she ran for her life.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy

It was a banner day when Dave's therapist declared him to be less bi-polar than his job.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy One

The magical kingdom was plagued by wandering monsters- real estate was that expensive.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Two

He was a maverick, unafraid to bend the rules or take chances, not a good thing when you run a daycare for hemophiliac children.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Three

Karl kept his pornography alphabetized and cross indexed by fetish because even being anal-retentive turned him on.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Four

The new supervillain in town was named 'Skidmarks' and Captain Hero prayed that it was because he had super speed

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Five

Actually no one was surprised when it was discovered the Quality Control Department misspelled their name on their stationary.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Six

In his confusion Grandpa Jones tucked his shirt into his boxers that day, all the kids thought he had gone gangsta.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Seven

Magwier said, “Avoid your past self, it never changes anything and you'll think you're going to turn into a know it all.”

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Eight

It was not the sound of the rats in the walls that drove him mad, it was the bagpiper in the toaster oven.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Nine

The Cheerleaders of the Wasteland fought the rabbit men until all they saw was a receding hare line.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty

Scientists created a device that gave orgasms based on Twitter popularity. Sadly no one Re-Tweeted the news.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty One

The MPAA created a new film rating called "May Cause Insanity In Young Viewers" but people brought their kids anyway.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Two

Once Jason Magwier discovered they were going to try and kill Audra with an explosive welcome mat he knew he better step on it.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Three

Whenever time machines collide everyone in the world gets déjà vu, just not at once.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Four

Sure jetpacks are all fun and games until someone accidentally burns the flesh from their ankles.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Five

The house was sleek and modern until she stepped into the basement and found herself in the Rec Room That Time Forgot.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Six

Ironically enough the supervillain Sharkface was captured using a bait car.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Seven

The Cinemax After Dark reboot of 'Gilligan's Island' was a surprise hit.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Eight

Ironically enough the Devil couldn't stand Death Metal.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Nine

“The demon promised to bring back grandma if I gave up my fiancée,” Captain Hero said. “It was the stupidest thing I ever heard.”

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety

“There is no logical way to make this argument,” Zeth said. “We'd better get a woman to do it.”

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety One

Then the elevator Karl and the supermodels were trapped began to fill with K-Y jelly. When the alarm clock went off he smashed it.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Two

Brad's wife warned him she was going to try and kill him in a few moments but he never paid attention to anything she had to say.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Three

You can visit the Erotic Dental Institute but you damn well better rinse throughly afterwards.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Four

The office had catered meals all week – no one in management ate, they just eyed the plumper employees and licked their lips.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Five

Amazing Ed insisted that his invisible and intangible sidekick was not imaginary.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Six

She was very concerned about sin – everyone else's' anyway.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Seven

The clown car skidded into oncoming traffic; torn metal, broken glass and rubber noses littered the highway.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Eight

Todd went to college hoping to major in bacchanalia but he couldn't even manage a minor in epicureanism.

5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Nine

Marriages shouldn't be loveless affairs organized by strangers- but all the best bachelor parties are.

5 Second Fiction Five Hundred

“In the end love makes monsters of us all.”