Wednesday, January 1, 2025

This is Channel Ab3 Episode Thirty: February - The Month That's Trying To Kill Me


Join me on a hilarious and chaotic journey through the trials and tribulations of February!

''February- The Month That's Trying To Kill Me" by Al Bruno III

It was produced and read by Daniel C Johnson

Our unpaid scientific advisor is Adam J Thaxton

The Channel Ab3 theme was written and performed by Rachel F Williams

Channel Ab3 logo was designed by Antonio G 

Are you enjoying the show?

Become a recurring subscriber.

Or make a one-time donation!

Are you in the market to sell your home, find a new home, or just explore real estate investment opportunities? Don't hesitate to get in touch with me!

This is Channel Ab3 is distributed and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License


Check out this episode!

MY SUITCASE OF MEMORIES: I Fought The Stone And The Stone Won

 


by
Al Bruno III
 

Most people have adversaries in their daily lives—a snotty co-worker, a shiftless in-law, or a rude neighbor. I have a whole month that’s out to get me. For some, February is the shortest month; for others, it’s Black History Month, and for others still, it’s the month of Valentine’s Day.

But for me, February is the Month That Dripped Blood.

Fact: I was working at Nice Shopper, and it was the coldest day Albany had seen in a lifetime and a half. It was close to -20 degrees with the wind chill, so naturally, I was sent out to get carts. The wind had blown all the carts to the far end of the parking lot, and I could only retrieve them in sets of three because anything more would get blown over. By the time I had finished, my hair was swept back from my reddened face, and I felt like a character from a Robert London story. There were lines at every cash register, so I threw off my coat and set to work. It took my cold-addled mind a few moments to realize that everyone was staring at me. Finally, one of the cuter cashiers said to me, “Al. Your nose.”

Visions of frostbite filled my head as I grabbed for my face, and my fingers brushed the stalactite of frozen boogers dangling from my right nostril. Sure, some of you out there might think that was pretty funny, but it’s snot.

(…Auuuuugh yourself—this is quality material here.)

That was the start of a long week.

Fact: It was my junior year of high school, and I was trying to play the field, attempting to romance both my beloved Lilly and a sophomore girl of dubious sanity but considerable cleavage. I figured if my brother and father could do it, why not me? Besides, if I was going to try and get my friends to call me ‘The Love Machine,’ I damn well better be sure to back it up.

Of course, I hadn’t actually told either girl that I was playing the field. I guess I was trying to be more or less the stealth bomber of love. It was the afternoon of Valentine’s Day when most of my friends started trying to beat me up. Now, with my friends, this wasn’t necessarily a rare occurrence, but they had never been so organized before. Finally, I confronted them, hoping to reassert my position as the Alpha Nerd with a combination of guts and memorized dialogue from Doctor Who. Then I saw each and every one of those sneaky bastards standing around Lilly. Now, this was too much. They were trying to move in on my main squeeze! I barged into the middle of them and asked what the Hell was going on.

That was when Lilly confronted me with her Valentine’s card. Well, actually, it wasn’t her Valentine’s Day card; it was the other girl’s, but I had accidentally switched them.

Yeah, that was the start of a long week.

Fact: My first bout with kidney stones came the same week that my beloved mother-in-law had a heart attack. (And that is no sarcasm; I do love her bunches.) I tried to stick it out, hoping the whole thing would literally pass, but no luck there. So, I had to have my wife drop me off at the emergency room so I could get better while she took care of our daughter; they were both exhausted by the ordeal.

To this day, I am not sure what route my wife took to the emergency room, but I can only assume somewhere, she took a side trip to the Twilight Zone because that night was one of the strangest of my life. It began simply enough, with lots of waiting, then when they finally admitted me, they had me dress in one of those drafty hospital gowns and left me sitting on a bed in the hallway.

Why, you might ask? Because it was another cold February, and all the local homeless people were checking themselves in for phantom ailments so they could stay warm. The place was packed; it was standing-room only, or in my case, trying-to-sleep-in-the-hallway-with-your-ass-hanging-out room only. The hobo sitting on a bed closest to me decided to strike up a conversation, and if I hadn’t been so tired and miserable, I might have asked him what Tom Waits song he had escaped from to torment me.

Instead, I just listened to his tale of travel, of his Native American wife, whom he only got to see twice a year or so because she lived in Canada.

And, by the way, Canadian women? Between this and all the nerds who say they have girlfriends up there, I have to say, get some standards, for heaven’s sake.

Apparently, my hobo friend took my bleary-eyed indifference as a sign of friendship, so he tried to give me one of his less filthy hats as a present, but that was when the doctor showed up to get me the medical care I so desperately needed. I was never so happy for a painful and invasive prostate exam, and yes, that includes the one at the Eden Studios Christmas party.

With a prescription in hand, I called a cab to take me home, and wouldn’t you know it, of all the cabbies I could have ended up with, I got the one who wanted to try and get me to invest in the television pilot he was trying to film in Vermont. This was not what I needed because I can honestly say that as a wannabe writer who loves to talk up his latest hopeless project, there is nothing more annoying than a wannabe writer trying to talk up his latest hopeless project.

The cab ride ended before he could get into the intricacies of his series bible, but when you’ve heard the pitch for one series that combines elements from *Antiques Roadshow* and The Indiana Jones movies, you’ve heard them all.

So I got home and unlocked the front door, only to find my wife had put the door chain on as well. I chuckled over this and knocked on the door. About ten minutes later, I remembered my wife mentioning that she wanted nothing more than to take a sleeping pill and turn in. After another ten minutes of homeless knocking, I started walking to the local 24-hour diner so I could use the payphone and wake my missus up.

It was going to be a long walk.

So, where does that leave us today? First off, I woke up feeling profoundly squishy inside, and I spent most of my shift trying not to erupt into a series of farts that would sound like an AMC Hornet drag racing with a tank full of bad gas. Then I had a training seminar in the afternoon. I believe it was focused on budgeting our time more effectively to improve shareholder value… well, at least that’s what I think it was about. I fell asleep ten minutes in because I had been up all night writing blog entries.

Somehow, I made it through my shift without skid-marking my underwear, so I headed home, but first, ironically enough, I had to stop for gas. I’d been putting off refueling because it had been so darn cold out the last few days, but there was no putting it off any longer. I got to the gas station, popped open the tank, and then realized I was on the wrong side of the pump, so I spent a few moments dodging other cars and getting my car lined up correctly. Then I went in and bought twenty dollars worth of gas. And I started pumping.

But there was something wrong with all the pumps on that side of the station, and it was pumping gas at about the speed of a penny a second. As I stood there shivering, watching my twenty dollars’ worth of gas move like twenty dollars’ worth of molasses, I thought to myself—it’s gonna be another long February.

But aren’t they all?

 


Tuesday, December 24, 2024

A Bit of Christmas Fun: Campbell Playhouse: A Christmas Carol


A Christmas Carol (1939) – Campbell Playhouse

Director: Orson Welles
Writer: Charles Dickens (adapted by Orson Welles)
Producer: Orson Welles for Campbell Playhouse

Orson Welles – Host and Scrooge
Joseph Cotton – Bob Cratchit
George Zucco – Jacob Marley
Edgar Barrier – The Ghost of Christmas Past
Paul Stewart – The Ghost of Christmas Present
Ray Collins – The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Everett Sloane – Fred, Scrooge's Nephew
Agnes Moorehead – Mrs. Cratchit
Bert Lytell – The Ghost of Christmas Present (also credited with a part in some variations of the cast)
Ernest Chappell – Radio Announcer


Check out this episode!

A Bit of Christmas Fun - Lux Radio Theater: It's A Wonderful Life


Lux Radio Theatre – It’s a Wonderful Life (1947)

Director: William Keeley
Producer: Irving Cummings
Adaptation: Joe Granby
Music: Leigh Harline

Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey
Donna Reed as Mary Hatch Bailey
Lionel Barrymore as Mr. Potter
Thomas Mitchell as Uncle Billy
Henry Travers as Clarence, the Angel
Beulah Bondi as Mrs. Bailey
Frank Faylen as Bert, the cop
Ward Bond as Ernie, the cab driver
H.B. Warner as Mr. Gower, the druggist


Check out this episode!

Sunday, December 15, 2024

FRESH OFF THE BUS FROM CREEPYTOWN: On A Foggy Night

 


by


Al Bruno III



We live in a world of surveillance, cameras, code numbers, and background checks. Our every purchase and infraction is recorded by mindless computers and soulless bureaucrats. Our births, our lives, and our deaths are nothing more than information to be filed away.

It was after I had quit the University that I found myself a part of that never-ending process. I had secured steady and suitable paying employment in the field of medical billing, cross-referencing information for eight hours a day. The process was mindless enough; an insurer would call, and I would find the correct records and pass the information along. No names were part of the transactions, only numbers curtly passed from one disinterested voice to another. From what I understood, my fellow employees and I were merely there to correct database errors and investigate irregularities.

I worked in a wide room that was nothing more than a grid of half-cubicles and desks. I wore a headset and hunched over a computer. I had long ago forgotten that each sequence of numbers that passed from my lips was a life encapsulated.

The morning of the impossibly heavy fog, I walked into the building to find myself one of the few employees who had risked the drive. That meant a crushing workload and mandatory overtime, but I didn’t mind; I lived alone in a studio apartment that might have been a cell; I never went out on weeknights and slept through most of my Saturdays. Sometimes, I  would treat myself to a movie on a Sunday afternoon, but I always took great care to sit in the back row of the theater, for if I spied a single blemish on the fabric of the screen, it would be all I could focus on for the rest of the show.

The first few hours of my shift passed slowly; the diminished staff had created long hold times that left every caller with a litany of complaints and a waspish tone. I kept my tone apologetic and respectful.

Somewhere to my right, a coworker was coughing endlessly; behind me, another banged his mouse on his desk in frustration.

 

When I excused myself to the restroom I realized to my discomfort that someone was crying in the bathroom stall.

My lunch hour was quiet and lonely. I spent some of it outside smoking one cigarette after another until the sight of the fog began to play tricks on my eyes. It left me with a strange feeling of vertigo, as though I was slowly spiraling into emptiness.

The second part of my shift is when it began. The call was ordinary at first, but the voice on the other end of the line cut me off mid-greeting with a demand for information. I did my best to comply but had to ask the caller to repeat himself several times.

The numbers he gave me were wrong—completely wrong. Please understand that I am not talking about faulty account information or transposed digits.

I mean to say that the numbers themselves were wrong.

They were integers that existed outside the zero through nine that I had been taught and lived with for all of my years, but I knew these were numbers I was hearing nonetheless. I could almost see them in my mind,   impossible symbols that no human hand had ever drawn.

The caller made an impatient sound as I stared at my keyboard in dismay. Could any key express the characters the caller was describing? Though my college education was incomplete, I had studied enough to understand the concept of imaginary numbers, but this was more than that. These were alien numbers,  blasphemous numbers, and every time the caller repeated them, I felt an ache in my head.

“I don’t understand,” I finally admitted.

The caller simply repeated himself again and again, until the numbers sounded like a prayer in an unknown language. I disconnected the call and pulled off my headset. Shudders worked their way through my body. I looked at the windows. The fog had blunted the afternoon light, casting everything into shades of gray.

I heard the numbers again; I looked at my headset, but it was silent. Standing, I listened to those terrible syllables coming from the mouths of my coworkers; they murmured them with easy familiarity. I cried in alarm, but no one looked up from their work. I ran to find a supervisor, but he was also on the phone, speaking facts and figures that made no sense at all. He didn’t look up when I called his name; even when I  touched his shoulder, he did not react, and his flesh was clammy with sweat. I could see the veins in his forehead throbbing as he spoke.

There was a loud crack, and the lights flickered and went out. Something similar had happened the previous year; a truck had crashed into a telephone pole, snapping power lines and leaving us with nothing more to do but, while away, the remainder of our shifts with small talk and gossip.

Despite the dead phones and darkened screens, my coworkers continued to talk. In fact, they spoke louder and faster, their voices finding a chaotic rhythm.

I fled from the madness, leaving my job, apartment, and possessions behind.

As I said before, the modern world has reduced us to numbers, but what if the numbers we chose to do that with were the wrong ones? What if we have unknowingly reduced ourselves to nonsense?

 


This is Channel Ab3 Episode Twenty-Nine: On A Foggy Night


An office worker's routine is disrupted by a strange fog and creeping madness.

'On A Foggy Night' was written by Al Bruno III

It was read and produced by Rita Inkwell

Our unpaid scientific advisor is Adam J Thaxton

The Channel Ab3 theme was written and performed by Rachel F Williams

Channel Ab3 logo was designed by Antonio G 

Are you enjoying the show?

Become a recurring subscriber.

Or make a one-time donation!

Are you in the market to sell your home, find a new home, or just explore real estate investment opportunities? Don't hesitate to get in touch with me!

This is Channel Ab3 is distributed and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License

 


Check out this episode!

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

FRESH OFF THE BUS FROM CREEPYTOWN: Rough Patches

 by

Al Bruno III


Something stirred beneath four and a half feet of frozen mud and snow. It was a rage so profound that even February's cold couldn't dim it. Instinctively, Patches began clawing her way toward the moonlight. It was almost like being born again.

She had been the strongest of her littermates, the first of six to find the teat, open her eyes, and notice the tall, pink figures looming over her mother's pen. Again and again, they would pick her up with soft, careful hands, cooing and tickling her. She couldn't help but wag her tail, eagerly licking their faces and fingers.

Now, in the darkness of her shallow grave, Patches felt a pang of sorrow for the loss of her mother and siblings. She could still remember her mother's scent, her steady breathing, and the spots on her fur—so like her own. Back then, eating, playing, and running through the grass with her siblings had been her whole world.

That contentment ended when the other Tall Ones came for her.
At first, they had intrigued her with their unfamiliar smells and constant attention. She especially loved playing with their child, chasing and being chased. His laughter—a sound that was neither quite a squeal nor a growl—had thrilled her. When they put a collar around her neck, she thought it was just another toy.
By nightfall, she was bundled into a cage lined with newspapers and a strange-smelling blanket. Before she could protest, they drove her to her new home.

The memories goaded her to dig. Dirt and snow filled her mouth, choking her howls. The earth clung to her greedily, sucking at her limbs. They had taken so much from her. In the end, they had taken everything.
Despite her initial fears, Patches adapted to her new life quickly. The Tall Ones had roles, just like her own kind did. The male was "Dad" or "Danny," the female was "Ma" or "Shirl," and the boy was "Billy." Everything had many names—even her.
And she was "Puppy" or "Doggie," but mostly, she was "Patches." It felt good to have a name. It felt good to belong. They became her pack.

For a time, Patches knew only joy. There were always treats and pettings to be had. She lay on Dad's feet as he stared mesmerized into his box of colored lights. She raced across the yard, chasing squirrels and the occasional bird. She walked with Ma, reveling in the wind and the symphony of scents it carried. And she played with Billy until they both collapsed from exhaustion, falling asleep with her nestled under his bed.

Yet there were moments of pain. Blows rained down on her when she messed on the floor or chewed the carpet.

"No! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad dog!" they would shout.

She learned the rhythm of their voices, and as the summers passed, she got better at following their odd rituals. But some of the rituals didn't make sense. Occasionally, they fed her from the table; other times, they swatted at her for begging. Still, more often than not, Patches only knew contentment and joy—afternoons spent lying in the warm beam of sunlight coming through the windows or the rush of love when Billy came home, kneeling down to scratch her behind the ears. They had their strange ways, but they were still her pack.

During their lazy games of fetch, Patches sometimes froze mid-run, her eyes drawn to the tree line. Something was there. Something terrible, yet familiar. The feeling had always been with her, hovering at the edges of her world.

Time passed, one summer after another. Then, changes began. The voices of her pack began to grow louder and angrier. No longer was she allowed on the soft couch. They would yell at her when they found her there, luxuriating in the warmth and smells. The voices of her home became louder and angrier. Then Dad began to hit Mom, and Mom started to hit Dad. It happened more and more until one night, it turned into something far worse.

And when the moment came, she acted the only way she knew how. Dad had been in the throes of his dark madness—the madness that always seemed to be brought on by the sharp-smelling water he drank. Billy tried to run—he'd almost made it. He was young and strong, just on the cusp of adolescence, but he stumbled and fell. His father was on him, lifting him by the throat, shaking him like prey.

Billy had been like a littermate to her. He fed her, played with her, and soothed her. Patches did the only thing she knew—she growled a challenge. She bared her teeth.

The man dropped Billy and turned on her with a kick. It struck her belly, stealing her breath. She staggered, trying to recapture the bravery she'd felt moments before. His fists came next, a blur of fury and pain. For the first time in her life, Patches thought she might die.

"Fucking dog! Growl at me?"

"Dad! Leave her alone, Dad!" Billy's voice cracked with desperation.

The blackness came so fast that Patches didn't even realize she'd blacked out until she woke in the barred cage they'd brought her here in long ago. She was in the basement, a damp place with smells she'd never liked.

Time crawled by in the cage. It was too small—she couldn't stand or turn around. All she could do was lie there and wait. She watched the grass flutter in the breeze from the basement window and wondered when they would come for her.

That night, alone in her misery of hunger and lingering bruises, Patches caught a strange odor—burnt earth, iron, something unplaceable. Her hackles rose as she realized it was the thing from the treeline. The Terrible Thing.

She barked a cautious warning, and when no one answered, she barked a dozen more times. The sound set Dad storming down the stairs. He kicked the cage with each bellowed word.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Do you hear me? Shut up!"

When his rage was spent, he stormed back upstairs, slamming the door behind him.

A few hours later, she lost control of her bladder, even though she knew better than to mess inside the house. She soiled the cage three more times before Ma and Billy finally came. They cleaned her, cooing softly as they washed the filth from her fur and fed her scraps of food. Billy took her outside and wept at the sight of her limping across the yard. As the sky began to darken, they put her back in the basement, back in the cage.

That became the pattern: locked in the tiny cage every morning and night, with only a few hours of freedom in the afternoon. The shouting and thudding from upstairs grew louder each day.

If she made even the slightest sound, Dad would storm down the stairs, yelling and striking the cage. She could feel him trying to break something inside her—the part of him that was already broken.

Her isolation dragged on. In desperation, Patches gnawed at the bars of the cage, tasting blood as her teeth scraped against metal. On warm Saturday mornings, Billy would take her for short walks, and she longed for them to never end, to keep walking, to never turn back. But they always did.

Her time outside grew shorter as the days passed. Ma started to carry the scent of the sharp-smelling water on her breath. Billy changed, too. His voice deepened, his step grew heavier, and he began to swagger in a way that made her uneasy.

Fall turned to winter, and Patches' world grew colder and smaller. They forgot to let her out for days, and she started soiling her cage again. Ma would groan and call her a "bad dog." Billy would mutter, "Dammit, Patches," then call for Ma. Worst of all was when Dad found her mess. His rage would explode. He'd drag her out of the cage and shove her nose into it, yelling all the while.

She began to cower at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. She flinched at raised hands. Dad seemed to take pleasure in her fear. "Not feelin' so tough now, are you?"

After that, they let her out of the cage at night, but she was still confined to the basement. Billy visited less and less. Sometimes, they forgot to feed her, and her water grew stale and warm. When she barked or whined for attention, they banged on the floor above her, shouting for her to be silent.

The miserable routine dragged on until her body began to betray her. One day, Patches couldn't keep food down anymore. Instead of pity or comfort, her sickness earned her beatings and scoldings. Even Billy struck her now. "Stupid dog! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

No matter how hard she tried, her stomach would heave violently, the acid burning her throat. Her strength drained with each day, her ribs pressing painfully against her patchy coat. Patches barely had the energy to lift her head, but she could still hear them arguing upstairs.

"The dog is sick," Ma whispered. "There was blood in her puke this time."

"Maybe if you stopped hitting her—"
"Don't talk to me like that! I never wanted the damn mutt anyway. Maybe if your idiot son walked it—"

"Fuck you!" Billy shouted.

"What did you say to me, you little shit?"

Patches heard a scuffle, then doors slamming. After that, silence.

That night, Billy came down to the basement. Patches wagged her tail weakly, too tired to lift her head. He didn't speak to her. Instead, he put the collar around her neck and clipped on the leash. Patches let herself hope. Maybe this time, they were going for that walk that would never end.

Billy led her up the stairs, past Ma sleeping on the couch. The cold air hit her like a slap when they stepped outside. Dad was waiting for them, a long, dark stick in his hands. She sniffed at it curiously, but its scent told her nothing.

Billy led her into the woods, and Dad followed behind them. The trees were thin, their bare branches clawing at the moonlit sky. Snow crunched underfoot as they ventured deeper into the night.
The forest smelled strange. Beneath the crisp scents was a darker undercurrent, the foulness that had always waited and lingered in the woods near her home. It was watching.

Even now, despite everything, instinct drove her to warn the pack that had once loved her. She growled, but the sound was thin and hollow. She tugged at the leash, desperate to make them understand. Instead, she felt a sharp kick to her side. Pain flared, but she barely noticed it. The Terrible Thing was near. Why couldn't they sense it?

"Do we have to?" Billy asked, his voice barely more than a whisper.


"You gonna be a pussy your whole life?" Dad snapped. "It's just a damn dog."

"We could take her to the vet," Billy said, his voice tight, almost pleading.

"A vet? You got two grand lying around for some worthless mutt?"

Patches kept staring into the treeline, her ears flicking slightly when the dark stick came up. Its thick end rested on Dad's shoulder, the smaller end leveled at her.

The first crack of thunder hit like a hammer. The impact knocked Patches off her feet, pain tearing through her side. It missed her heart but ripped into her guts, leaving a burning heat that spread through her fur. She tried to stand, but her legs wouldn't listen. Her gaze found Billy's, wide and pleading.

"She's still moving, Dad!" Billy's voice cracked, sharp with panic.

"Shut the hell up. I'm trying to aim."

The second crack hit below her throat. A searing wave of pain exploded through her. The world blurred red, then faded to black. Blood flooded her mouth. Cold crept into her limbs. Above her, the moon hung distant and indifferent.

"There," Dad said. "That's done it. Go to the garage and grab a shovel."

"But she's not—"

"She will be. Now get a damn shovel before I put you in the grave with her."

The grave they dug was shallow, the frozen ground resisting the dull blade of the shovel. Dad cursed with every scrape of metal on ice-packed dirt, his breath fogging in the freezing air. Billy stayed silent, his movements jerky and uncertain.

When they dumped her body in, it landed awkwardly, limbs bent unnaturally. They shoveled dirt over her in hurried, careless strokes. A patch of her face remained uncovered, the fur matted with blood, but neither man seemed to notice—or care.

Then they walked away. If they had looked back, they might have seen it: the glint of an exposed eye staring out of the dirt. It's gaze followed them, unblinking—a silent curse. And somewhere in the woods, the Terrible Thing heard it all the same.

And it moved like smoke out of the shadows, formless and unrelenting. It churned above the grave, festering with a heat that twisted through Patches muscles and took root in her bones. Patches curse was repeated back to her voicelessly.

Instinctively, Patches began clawing her way toward the moonlight. It was almost like being born again. Memories goaded her to dig. Dirt and snow clogged her mouth, choking her howls. The earth clung to her greedily, sucking at her limbs.

When Patches tore free of the grave, freeing her snout and bloodied jaw, Her nose emerged. Then her skeletal frame, soil, and blood rendered her unrecognizable. She stood, legs shaking at first but growing stronger. Her eyes burned with a black fire. They smoldered.

 The Terrible Thing had retreated back to its hiding place but had seen to it she would never rest. And it had left her with other gifts as well.

Patches raised her head and howled.

The forest answered her cry. The night stirred, shadows taking shape around her. Birds with broken wings, unlucky rodents, forsaken pets with matted fur, and even a human woman—her form gaunt and brittle from some cruel misfortune—emerged from the dark. Patches welcomed them all.

In that moment, Patches realized they did not serve the Terrible Thing. They were the Terrible Thing, and very soon, they would unleash themselves upon the world. They would spread like a tide of rot and ruin, infecting the world around them, adding to their numbers, and tearing the cruel world to pieces.

But not yet.

Her eyes turned back toward what had once been her home, the place where her betrayers lived. Slowly and purposefully, Patches began to make her way towards it.

Her new pack followed her.