Tom unlocked the front door and stepped in. The house lay dark before him. Reaching out, his fingers brushed a switch causing light to flood the room.
Shutting the door, he made his way into the house. He stopped in the kitchen and looked around, his stomach growling darkly...
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty One
Rick wasn't afraid of the collapse of civilization; he'd been looking for an excuse to drink his own urine for years.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Two
He was the only knight of the round table that liked to play pranks while in his armor. He was a full metal jacknape.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Three
It wasn't until he got loads of sand in his costume that Psychotic Kid truly understood what it was to have gritty adventures.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Four
When the Mathmagician used algebraic equations to create a rabbit she wasn't just pulling the numbers out of her hat.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Five
Karl was heartbroken to learn that a Syllogism was not a money shot involving a clown.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Six
"This must be what the Rapture is like," Audra smiled, "except there are no Christians floating up to Heaven going 'Nya Nya!'"
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Seven
They banned Karl from the pool after he got his penis caught in the filter, he sued them for not having a bigger intake valve.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Eight
Chunky McBride stayed away from strangers with candy but after he encountered a stranger with pastries he was never seen again.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Nine
They loaded the work of HP Lovecraft into artificial intelligence. Instead of new stories all they got was 'The LOLcats of Cthulhu'
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty
A freak accident with a can of spray-on tan and a beer bong was only the prelude to the ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT DOUCHEBAG.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty One
And one beating later Psychotic Kid learned not to make wisecracks about a cyborg having 'junk in his trunk'.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Two
Amazing Ed liked to brag about his 'alien costume' but buying a cape in Mexico didn't count.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Three
All we are is dust in the wind but the Lunt family were more like lint in the dryer.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Four
The incredible Bratman gained his powers after being bitten by a radioactive toddler.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Five
The Maven grabbed a barbecue, the Crime Countess grabbed a hibachi, they started hitting each other. It was grill on grill action.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Six
The Maven grabbed a barbecue, the Crime Countess grabbed a hibachi, they started hitting each other. It was grill on grill action.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Seven
When living in a kingdom of magic and enchantment inadvertent bestiality was almost inevitable.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Seven
When living in a kingdom of magic and enchantment inadvertent bestiality was almost inevitable.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Eight
It was the most racist ghost they had ever encountered. "Just what we need," Magwier said, "a wight supremacist."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Nine
He kept several answering machines in his house and let them fight it out whenever he got a call.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy
The argument during dinner left her feeling all torn up inside, the double helping of super hot chicken wings didn't help either.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy One
Her body was an erotic amusement park but he wasn't at least this tall to enter.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Two
Her body was an erotic amusement park but he wasn't at least this tall to enter.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Three
For years his parents argued that their son hadn't died during a breath-holding contest, he was just holding on to his record time.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Four
If she told him once she told him a thousand times he had a brain tumor that effected his memory.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Five
"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times and someone's getting shot."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Six
Karl enjoyed the porno remake of THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW right up until the appearance of Aunt Pee.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Seven
He vowed that as soon as he got off the elevator he was going to take things to the next level.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Eight
Despite his successes it pained Captain Hero that he had never developed a catchphrase.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Seventy Nine
"I have no problems with necromancy itself" Lorelei said, "but most actual necromancers are just trying to shock their parents."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty
The Scotsmen all their sheep had been stolen by the English. One said, "They may take our lambs but they'll not take our FREEDOM!"
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty One
They were the Allied army's secret birdcall brigade- the Chirpy Dozen!
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Two
Quinn awoke in a puddle of his own urine, grabbed hold of the jumper cables and knocked himself back out. This went on all day.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Three
She invited her boyfriend over so she could cook him dinner and refuse him sex. She loved macaroni and pleas.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Four
His daughter was going through puberty. His wife was going through menopause. He was going into witness relocation.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Five
An unfortunate typo left the world thinking that Abner Deggent was scouring the African jungle for white loins.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Six
Captain Hero had no patience for fad superheroes- did anyone even remember the Battling Breakdancer or the Nehru Knight?
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Seven
The extreme milking contest was canceled when the bungee cord holding the cow broke.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Eight
The golden idol was hidden within a trap-laden tomb, so Abner Deggent let the archaeologists go first into each chamber.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Nine
It was easy to program the DOUCHEBOT 5000's speech circuits, every question was answered with the reply of "Yeah with your Mom!"
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety
Guns blazing the Shellfish Gang took refuge in a bowling alley where they quickly found themselves pinned down.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety One
At Choe-Je's Home for Wayward Ninjas a small donation can keep a bloodthirsty assassin in katanas and smoke bombs for weeks.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety Two
She had once dated a TS Elliot fan but whenever they made love it ended not with a bang but a whimper.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety Three
While the strip club secretly run by vampires has become a cliche, a day care secretly run by zombies was a surprise to everyone.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety Four
A customer told her she lacked the proper empathy, she told him he could take his dead father to some other funeral home then.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety Five
"You might think an invisible monster truck is a bad idea, but how else you gonna run down invisible monsters?"
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety Six
In his dreams Karl made love to a woman who was soft and warm in his arms; when he awoke his pillow was unspeakably squishy.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety Seven
She pulled aside the cushions of her new couch to find a mummified body. She whispered, "That's the last time I use Craigslist."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety Eight
Fuego worked as a substitute teacher and kept order in the classroom with quiet authority and the occasional sleeper hold.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety Nine
Once the company found a doctor that prescribed medical marijuana for a case of the Mondays no one was ever late for work again.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred
Want to use the urinal while wearing Apple's new iPants? There's a flap for that- just don't try to flash.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and One
'Nietzsche' All Natural Male Enhancement drug, because that what does not kill us makes us longer...
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Two
Karl jumped at the chance to spend the night with a pair of sexy twins; he never thought to ask if they might be conjoined.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Three
A lot of people didn't like the idea of Lucy living with her parents but the family mausoleum was roomy and she saved money on rent.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Four
The shouting contest was on a Tuesday but he showed up on Wednesday. A day late and a holler short.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Five
It was a question every super hero on patrol faced- do they relieve themselves in an alley or used a risk using a public restroom?
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Six
There were a dozen deaths and a fire that claimed half the jungle but by God Abner Deggent got his lucky tie clip back.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seven
In the 21st Century the newest death-defying extreme sport became making fun of major religions via cartoons.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eight
The weirdest thing about the indie rock band 'The Fifty Fingers' is that it has seven members.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Nine
He always knew he would see her again, he just expected something more romantic than a paternity suit would bring them together.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Ten
It was then that Reverend Brooks realized that being a right-wing anti-gay activist was a fantastic way to pick up guys.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eleven
On his birthday Dave parachuted into Sturgis in a BIKERS ARE PUSSIES t-shirt. For those last few minutes he never felt more alive.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twelve
Zeth knew it was springtime in the city of Olathoe when revolutionaries began to sprout up everywhere, like dandelions in bad hats.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirteen
The Maven didn't like views of the villain called the Creationist but she had to admit his crimes were intelligently designed.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fourteen
Dagorax was a mad god gnawing mindlessly at the very fabric of the universe and it never, ever flossed
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifteen
"If there is one thing I've learned it's that while marriage may be a lot of work it still isn't as much work as hiding a body."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Sixteen
She was a magical princess, animals followed her and doted on her; her family learned to love the taste of venison and rabbit.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Seventeen
The DM in the back said everyone attack and it turned into a Balrog blitz.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Eighteen
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everywhere- this was the last time the team let Amazing Ed decorate their secret base.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Nineteen
The gunshot was deflected by the bag of macadamias in his pocket leaving Abner Deggent glad the bullet only grazed his nut sack.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty
The Legion of Protectors were the first super hero team to recognize the awesome power of marketing.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty One
When Karl asked her if she liked crabs she just assumed he was going to take her out to a nice seafood restaurant.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty Two
Once network execs realized the living dead watched television a 24 hour Jay Leno channel was the inevitable consequence.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty Three
Captain Hero had to admit that his encounter with the villain known as 'the Stain' had left quite an impression.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty Four
When the Wolf Man found out his wife was having an affair with one of the Cat People the fur flew.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty Five
There was raw sewage in the copier room, an intern was on fire and the boss was off his meds. It was going to be a long Friday.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty Six
It was in the early years of the 21st century that the epic story of Man vs Nature began to resemble torture porn.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty Seven
Everyone realized that cyborg superhero Rusty Johnson was in love when the saw him spot welding Erato's name on his own arm.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty Eight
Abner Deggent bragged he had snapped the necks of at least one major species on each continent- sometimes even in self defense.
Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Twenty Nine
Everyone said he died doing what he loved. Nobody said he had been crushed trying to steal a Japanese used panty vending machine.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty
Trixie's Treats served the finest pies in all of Texas. Her secret? She always remembered the Ala Mode.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty One
He had heard about that new gel that heightened female arousal and simply assumed there was jewelry at the bottom of the container.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Two
A wizard scattered the king's army through time, many were stranded in small groups but was only one Knight in Bangkok.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Three
Karl learned early on that there was no cologne in the world that could mask the scent of horny desperation.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Four
The Bimbo Marionette was popular on the Island of Misfit Toys- because she was always up for sex with no strings attached.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Five
One kingdom was controlled by Lord Murphy, the other by Sir Layman. Peasants had to chose between Murphy's rule or Layman's terms.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Six
In her sermon she explained that the savior was actually made from vegetable matter.
Then she said "Lettuce pray."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Seven
Whenever Captain Hero crossed paths with the evil chef Julia Infant he mocked her half-baked schemes.
Was he just egging her on?
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Eight
He owed his career as a proctologist to his brilliant mind. He owed several lawsuits to his lack of depth perception.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Nine
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, unless of course you're a vampire.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty
Cyborg superhero Rusty Johnson accidentally swallowed bullets and then spent the night projectile vomiting projectiles.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty One
It turned him on to dress up as a fly. He had a shoo fetish.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty Two
"I think there should be a fancy term for gratuitous nudity or incongruous sex scenes- Deus Ex Whackinov."
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty Three
At last the aviary was complete! Now she could spend as much time as she wanted holding her boobies and stroking her tits.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty Four
If anything Sir Grundle's hemorrhoids only increased his fury as he rode in to battle.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty Five
One of the bloodied executives looked up from the dismembered body and asked, "Tell me again how this serves our core values?"
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty Six
"It doesn't matter if you're a space knight, a super hero or a mystical warrior- you're wearing someone's idea of fetish gear.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty Seven
Horthgar the Viking really hated ninjas, some suspected he had a case of katana envy.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty Eight
Budget cuts forced the starship's councilor to also act as the starship's bartender- she usually advised her patients to drink more
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Forty Nine
The invention of the first suit of hi-tech battle armor was the result of Texans trying to create larger and larger belt buckles.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Three Hundred and Fifty
Judges for wet t-shirt contests must be willing to work late hours for no pay, despite that many men still answer the call.
