Saturday, January 8, 2011

(Recommended Reads) A Girl's Best Friend by Icy Sedgwick

There is a mystical bond between a child and its first bear. Or so believed William, clinging to the belief as he now clung to the top shelf in Susie's room. Wedged between a pile of old board games and a lamp with no bulb, the old threadbare teddy leaned against the wall and tried to reassure himself that she still loved him. My Susie knows I'm here, he told himself...

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Thanks to HEROPRESS for showing me the visual poem SUPERHERO

TWITCHFILM gives us the teaser for FOLKLORE!

In the summer of 1974 five friends set out on a journey across the United States. When traveling through the back roads of New Mexico they encounter what some call a Legend, others call it a Myth...but the locals call it Folklore..

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(Recommended Webcomic) A new installment of the SECRET KNOTS!

Paper Hearts And A Red Haired Tart part four

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Five

Paper Hearts And A Red Haired Tart

part four





It didn’t take me long to adjust to life at Scotia County Community College or as I liked to think of it, ‘High School 2: This Time It’s Matriculated’. I quickly learned to dodge Marvin and Corey in the halls but it seemed that Kevin’s schedule was the exact same as mine, in fact we even shared the same English and History classes.


A lot of the female student body took a real shine to me but unfortunately they were all returning students in their mid 40’s and early fifties. The girls my own age were pretty unimpressed by my relative lack of buffness and my mind bending theories as to how Wildcat could team up with the Creeper when the Creeper was a superhero from Earth One and Wildcat was a superhero from Earth Two.


Work meanwhile, work was just awful, the first week had been nothing but grunt work and mocking glares. At least the lunches were catered.



*


Mr. Palmer clapped his hands, “All right everyone, the pizza is here. Let’s break for lunch.”


“Pizza pizza pizza,” Kathleen, one of the greeting card ladies, groused. “Would it be so hard to order something else? You all know by now that I’m lactose intolerant.”


I gave her a smile, “That’s just what makes working with you such a gas!”


Everyone over twenty-five laughed at that one; my pier group however rolled their eyes in unison. “Dude!” the neckless wonder said, his name was Chuck by the way. “How is that funny? It doesn’t even make sense.”


“Yes it does,” my face reddened, I was never a good one for dealing with hecklers. “You see it was a play on words. Gas has multiple definitions and because Kathleen had just said lactose-”


“Do you know any good jokes?” Bud asked. He was Chuck’s pal with the anachronistic facial hair.


“Sure, sure,” I said.


Tallulah grimaced, “What have you done?”


I pressed on, “A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...”


“Native Americans,” Tallulah corrected.


“Ok then,” I started over, “A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Native Americans. Instead of scalping him the chief of the tribe told the cowboy that he could go free if he could pass the three challenges of manliness-”


“So I guess these are challenges you’ve never had to face.” Karl snickered.


“-the three challenges were as follows. First he had to drink a quart of firewater all at once. Second heto had pull to a tooth from the mountain lion with a cavity they had chained up in a tent, and he had to do it with his bare hands. For the final challenge he had to satisfy a squaw that had never been satisfied by a man before,” I paused before I continued. I had baited the comedy hook, now I just had to reel them in, “So the cowboy took the jug of firewater and drained it in a single draught-”


“What’s a draught?” Chuck asked.


“He means all at once,” Tallulah said. Her eyes lingered on Chuck meaningfully.


“After drinking so much firewater at once the cowboy was a little woozy. The Ind- I mean Native Americans led him to the tent with the mountain lion. The cowboy staggered inside. Almost immediately chaos erupted from within the tent. It shook. There were shouts and roars but finally the mountain lion began to purr and the cowboy staggered out with his clothes all disheveled. He shouted ‘Now where’s the broad with the toothache?’


Instead of laughter my punchline was greeted with confused silence.


Tallulah said, “I don’t get it.”


“Me either,” Chuck said, but he was looking at Tallulah when he spoke.


“Al, I gotta know,” Bud asked, “Are you a VIRGIN?”


Every other conversation stopped dead, all of the employees at Paper Shredder were looking at me to see how I would react. I remember my mind racing with the thought Say something witty. Say something witty. Say something witty. This is your last chance to win their respect.


“Well Bud,” I began. “Only my hairdresser knows for sure.”


God-Damnit!


A lot of people had a good laugh at my expense. Tallulah laughed the loudest of all. That hurt more than anything else.


And that was how I realized that in spite of everything I was developing a crush on her.







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The Patrons Page!

Here are some of the people that have helped support my work with money and resources.








Lolth from RPG.net


Nancy Audi


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Pam Hund


Wayne Anderson


Jorge Prieto


George Vasilakos


German Alcala


Simon Turnbull


Robert Raymond


Ralph Soto


David Eisenhardt


Timothy Moutos

Michael Pippen

Mike Leonard

Mike 'Takeda' Lehman

Rev. James Nathaniel


In which yours truly begs for a little post-holiday cash!

With the button below you can make a donation to my PayPal account and help me keep the power on and the broadband flowing!




5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Ninety

The 10 level dwarf fighter cut his throat while trimming his beard with his ax. In other words he failed his shaving throw.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty Nine

The cannibal gagged and spit out the remains of George Thorogood. He really was bad to the bone.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty Eight

She had never lost a patient. She always rolled them straight from the blood-soaked operating room to the morgue all by herself.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty Seven

Once they decided to make a horror movie about a fruit stand they could only call it 'I SPIT ON YOUR GRAPES”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty Six

The entire cast of the all-beaver remake of the film GHOSBUSTERS was killed when someone crossed the streams.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty Five

Young philosopher Thomas Hobbes was first upset, then inspired when his ex-lover described his penis as nasty, brutish and short.

Friday, January 7, 2011

(Insane News) Hold The Pickle, Hold The Lettuce, Some Special Orders Do Upset Us...

A Longmont man is accused of pulling into a Burger King drive-through with his penis in his hand and asking a 24-year-old employee at the window if she would like to "handle his Whopper," early today.

Before he could drive away, the woman jotted down his tag number. Longmont police pulled over Richard C. "Rick" Troupe, 52, about 2 miles from his home a short time later after the incident at 3:25 a.m., said Police Commander Jeff Satur.

"This was a very traumatic experience for this young woman," Satur said. "She had no idea what he might be capable of."...

 

click here to read the rest

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions): Maxwell's Silver Hammer


The Nick of Time (and other abrasions)

Maxwell’s Silver Hammer

by

Al Bruno III




The three of them ran across Route d'Abbaye, and after a moment’s pause they jumped the fence. The first landed with quiet cat-like grace. The second moved slowly, quietly and deliberately.


The third caught his pant leg on the top of the fence and fell hitting the ground with a cry and a crash.


*


“Why do we keep ending up like this?” the girl with burgundy hair and clunky boots asked. She and her companions had their hands and fingers tightly bound behind their backs and Runes of Enfeeblement had been painted on their foreheads.


“Because of him, its always because of him,” the imposing black man with graying dreadlocks said as they were shoved and goaded down the stairway by women with crazy eyes and short skirts, “I swear he gets us captured on purpose.”


“Zeth! I’m hurt, well and truly hurt,” Jason Magwier said as he surveyed his surroundings. His hair was curly and close cropped, his eyes were dark and they almost twinkled in the firelight, “Now don’t ether of you worry. We’ll be fine as long as I play it low key.”


The basement they were goaded into was a makeshift temple. Banners and graffiti extolling the virtues of the great god Thor covered each wall. At one end of the room was a worn anvil. Past the anvil was a high backed wooden chair, a hulking figure sat upon it.


“Does every bloodthirsty cult have the same decorator or something?” Lorelei mused as she and her companions were forced to their knees.


Magwier agreed, “And why are they always in a basement of some sort or another. Why not a nice upper floor suite?”


“Silence!” the figure on the throne shouted.


“Although you can’t fault the acoustics can you?”


The tall man stepped from the throne and approached them. He had a silver plated war-hammer slung over one shoulder. He was shirtless revealing long blonde hair and muscles that were just beginning to go soft with age, “You dared to desecrate our holy temple.”


“It was an accident. Dr. Flesh was-” Zeth tried to explain only to be silenced by a slap from one of the women.


Magwier’s eyes blazed with anger, “Now you stop this Stan Maxwell. We aren’t looking for trouble.”


The tall man frowned, “You know me?”


“Well, of course. You were the starting quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings from 1992 until 1995. Then you were tragically sidelined by a spinal injury.”


Lorelei sighed, “A jock and a bloodthirsty cultist? Just great.”


“I was chosen,” Stan explained, “that injury was Thor’s will.”


“Hail Thor!” the four women cheered.


Magwier stood, “As my friend tried to explain this was all a terrible misunderstanding. If you’ll just let us leave I’m sure-”


“No. You must pay for your crimes,” the tall man said, “with your lives.”


“Our lives? Doesn’t anyone get punished with community service anymore?”


Two of the women hustled Jason Magwier to the altar, there was an indentation perfect to cradle a human head. They held him down, pushing his cheek against the dried blood and slivers of skull.


“Please tell me this is part of his plan...” a quiver of worry crept into Lorelei’s voice.


Zeth snorted, “Please don’t tell me you think he’s got a plan.”


“Mighty Thor, lord of thunder...” Stan raised the war-hammer from his shoulder.


“Hail Thor!” the women cheered again.


“...Accept these sacrifices to sate your appetite for the great battle of Ragnarok.”


Jason Magwier began to laugh, a high pitched mocking cackle.


“Silence!” Stan lowered the hammer and then raised it again. The four women looked at each other in confusion, they’d never had a sacrifice do this before.


“I’m sorry,” Magwier snickered, “I know it’s disrespectful but... You mean to kill me with that mallet?”


“Mallet? This is the Hammer of Thor!”


The women said, “Hail Thor!”


Jason Magwier smiled, “Oh I’m sure it’s very impressive but it’s not going to even leave a bruise on me.”


Stan leaned forward, “Magic will not protect you.”


“Oh yes. The runes. Very impressive but there’s more to me than simple incantations,” Magwier laughed again, “I’ve lived in the future so I can’t very well die in the past can I?”


“You make no sense.”


“I suppose to your limited intellect it seems that way, but never mind. Smash away my good man. Smash away.”


Stan raised the silver plated war-hammer again, holding it over his head instead of his shoulder.


“But you getter get it right the first time,” Magwier said, “or you’re going to ruin a perfectly good mallet.”


“It’s not a mallet!” Stan’s face was turning purple with rage, “It is the Hammer of Thor!”


“Hail Thor!”


“Shut up!” he screamed at the women. “And you! I will pound you into dust with a single blow!”


Jason Magwier nodded condescendingly, “Sure you will.”


Bellowing with rage Stan Maxwell raised himself to his full height and hefted the hammer as far back as his muscles would allow.


There was a soft crack and Stan froze in place.


“Oh dear,” Magwier said, “sounds like someone just aggravated an old spinal injury...”


The priest of Thor whimpered and fell backwards. The four women ran to him babbling with worry. They were so busy fretting over Stan that they didn’t even realize Jason Magwier had freed himself from the ropes...


*


They walked out of the main gate. “You took an awful chance,” Zeth said.


Jason Magwier was carrying Maxwell’s silver hammer in his arms, “Nonsense. I knew what to do the very moment I realized they were Thor-worshippers.”


“And what was that?” Lorelei asked.


“Just like I said earlier,” Magwier smiled, “I played it low-key... or should I say Loki?”


Zeth chuckled. Lorelei rolled her eyes, “I can’t believe I’m sleeping with you.”

(Recommended Poem) Stillpoint by Karen Schindler

Stillpoint....


Cup pleasure
in your hands

Bury your nose
in it

Let it overwhelm
your spirit

Revel, soak, wallow,
saturate your senses

Gather instances of joy
into your pockets like
sparkly breath mints

To be taken out
and savored as
refreshment for the soul

Click here to visit her site and let her know what you thought.

(Recommended Review) ZOMBIES ARE MAGIC review's Clive Barker's THE THIEF OF ALWAYS

The Thief of Always is not a rare book, the fact that I am writing a book review is rare. But since my last got such an overwhelming response (3 comments!) I figured I would do it again. Anyone who knows me knows that I love horror written for children. I also love the show Toddlers & Tiaras. Anyway, two of my favorite "horror" books of all time were written for the young and young at heart: The Graveyard Book and Coraline. Both of those books were written by Neil Gaiman. The Thief of Always is written by Clive Barker. Yes, the creator of the Books of Blood and The Hellbound Heart wrote a book for children. I love this on so many levels...

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RANDOM ACTS OF GEEKERY has an interview with... ME!

 

Al Bruno III is, in the words of his own blog The Wit and Weirdness of Al Bruno III, “...a writer of irregular talent whose work is irregularly read. He prefers to write comedy and horror but is sometimes unsure of the difference.” Check out his blog to read some of his writings!

Al was born in Albany, New York, the oldest of six siblings who range from five to 40 years old! He's been married to the same woman for 17 years (congratulations!), and has a ten-year-old daughter. He's employed in the tech support field. “It's good money, but naps at lunchtime are a must,” he commented...

 

click here to read the rest at RANDOM ACTS OF GEEKERY!

 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Why not check out THE VAULT OF HORROR's Top 10 of 2010

The previous 12 months were interesting ones for the horror genre. I won't say outstanding, but I also won't say terrible. There certainly was a bunch of entertaining and engaging films released last year, but not as many as in some previous years. I can't say I'm totally thrilled with this top 10 list, but I can at least honestly say that the top 7 were films I genuinely found to be terrific. The rest may very well have been bumped if I had had the pleasure of seeing movies like The Crazies and Daybreakers, for example...

 

click here to read the list

Congratulations To Neil Gaiman And Amanda Palmer!

One of Geekdoms coolest couples got married last night!

Here are some of the facts from GEEKS OF DOOM!

After a one-year engagement, writer Neil Gaiman and musician Amanda Palmer got married last night, then broke the news today via their respective Twitter accounts...

(Recommended Hotness) Fay Daniels

 

She is utterly adorable and her voice is sweet like candy.

But be warned her blog is Not Safe For Work

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty Four

Once fast food restaurants started selling male-enhancement drugs everybody started super-sizing their orders.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty Three

The hotel owners didn't care that Billy-Bob had legally married his horse, they refused to let them use the bridal suite.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty Two

The Chastity Promise Keeper's dance had an ocean theme this year, since most of the guys attending were no strangers to blue balls.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty One

Unlike other superheroes cyborg redneck Rusty Johnson fought for truth, justice and an increase in the local speed limits.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighty

The worst part wasn't that he nearly got scratched to death by cats, the worst part was his name was Claude.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy Nine

Dave got an exclusive interview with the former California governor, sadly all his questions were about the film KINDERGARTEN COP.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy Eight

She said “Throw me the whip and I'll throw you the idol!” Abner Deggent cursed himself for bringing a dominatrix on a tomb raid.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy Seven

Oscar Wilde let himself into the garishly decorated guest bathroom and said, “Either this wallpaper goes or I do.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy Six

Psychiatrists diagnosed Lyle as an atheist with a God complex and told him to just believe in himself.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy Five

The officer didn't need to give a full body cavity search for a minor traffic violation but he felt he needed to keep in practice.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy Four

They put Corporal Johnson in charge of all Army's all nude fighting brigade because he knew how to protect his privates.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy Three

You scream, I scream we all scream because we ate the ice cream too damn fast.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy Two

As far as Anber Deggent was concerned the only thing that made sense about women is that women never made any sense.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy One

Mary spent the entire day potty training her child. By the time it was over she was pooped.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventy

When it came to knowledge of different kinds of typefaces Ethel was a font of information.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixty Nine

They accused him of stealing products from the Apple Store. As security led him away he cried “iPaid!”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixty Eight

Dismembro- the superhero with a detachable body parts won a special award but didn't give a speech. The cat had his tongue.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixty Seven

Currency became so small in size that the government had it made at candy factories to take advantage of their junior mints.

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis chapter ninety seven

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis


Chapter Ninety Seven


By AL BRUNO III




Saturday, December 4th 1996





Jason Magwier stumbled and landed on his wounded leg. A bolt of pain arced down from his balls to his foot and back up again. He landed face first in the snow and felt a shiver of relief at the coldness of it.


Briefly he wondered Would it be so bad to just lie here?


Of course it would. He had too much to do, too many plots to hatch, too many enemies to make. He raised himself up and spat blood. Were those the sounds of battle he was hearing or was it just the ringing in his head? He thought of the girl that was going to come into his life, the one future he could count on. If he died now he might never meet her.


He started to drag himself through the snow. If he’d been a student of magic he would have been able to deal with his injuries with a simple if costly incantation but he had chosen mischief over mysticism long ago.


So he kept dragging himself along. He knew Zeth had to be somewhere close by.


A hand latched onto his back and flipped Jason Magwier over. He forced a smile, “Ah Piers. Come to make snow angels with me?”


“You...” Mr. Sauno’s face was dull with fury, he jabbed his pistol into Magwier’s face, “You’ve been a thorn in my side for far too long.”


Magwier coughed, “I get that a lot.”


Eyes blazing with rage. “No more,” he said, “no more.”


“Going to kill me? The other Monarchs won’t like that.”


“I don’t care.”


“Such anger...” Magwier smiled again, “...it’s almost human.”


Piers Sauno leveled the gun again. Magwier stared down the barrel his smile faltering. Piers said, “Goodbye.”


At the sound of the gunshot Magwier screamed, calling out the name of his once and future love.


Mr. Sauno staggered in place. The hole in the back of his head began to gush with thick orange fluids. The impact of the bullet from Zeth’s high-powered rifle had bowed Mr. Sauno’s head outword. His eyes twisted wildly in their sockets.


By the time he fired his own weapon Magwier had managed to crawl to safety.


Then Zeth fired again. This shot shattered Piers Sauno’s pistol and hand leaving it a ragged claw.


Zeth fired three more times as he strode out from where he had taken cover. Mr. Sauno fell.


“Do you...” Magwier forced himself into a sitting position, “...always have to arrive in just the nick of time?”


“Look who’s talking.” Zeth slung the rifle back over his shoulder and crouched beside his friend, “You don’t look good.”


When Zeth offered an arm Magwier took it and stood. Zeth practically had to carry him. Magwier said, “I’ll be fine. We just need to go back to where Laurel House is.”


“Why the Hell would we do that? This whole thing was a disaster.”


“Something’s going to happen,” Jason Magwier explained, “something with Isobel. She’s suddenly become very important.”


Before they could get into an argument about the matter the front of Mr. Sauno’s chest tore open and he attacked in his true form.



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