There is a mystical bond between a child and its first bear. Or so believed William, clinging to the belief as he now clung to the top shelf in Susie's room. Wedged between a pile of old board games and a lamp with no bulb, the old threadbare teddy leaned against the wall and tried to reassure himself that she still loved him. My Susie knows I'm here, he told himself...
The 10 level dwarf fighter cut his throat while trimming his beard with his ax. In other words he failed his shaving throw.
The cannibal gagged and spit out the remains of George Thorogood. He really was bad to the bone.
She had never lost a patient. She always rolled them straight from the blood-soaked operating room to the morgue all by herself.
Once they decided to make a horror movie about a fruit stand they could only call it 'I SPIT ON YOUR GRAPES”
The entire cast of the all-beaver remake of the film GHOSBUSTERS was killed when someone crossed the streams.
Young philosopher Thomas Hobbes was first upset, then inspired when his ex-lover described his penis as nasty, brutish and short.
A Longmont man is accused of pulling into a Burger King drive-through with his penis in his hand and asking a 24-year-old employee at the window if she would like to "handle his Whopper," early today.
Before he could drive away, the woman jotted down his tag number. Longmont police pulled over Richard C. "Rick" Troupe, 52, about 2 miles from his home a short time later after the incident at 3:25 a.m., said Police Commander Jeff Satur.
"This was a very traumatic experience for this young woman," Satur said. "She had no idea what he might be capable of."...
The Nick of Time (and other abrasions)
Maxwell’s Silver Hammer
by
Al Bruno III
The three of them ran across Route d'Abbaye, and after a moment’s pause they jumped the fence. The first landed with quiet cat-like grace. The second moved slowly, quietly and deliberately.
The third caught his pant leg on the top of the fence and fell hitting the ground with a cry and a crash.
*
“Why do we keep ending up like this?” the girl with burgundy hair and clunky boots asked. She and her companions had their hands and fingers tightly bound behind their backs and Runes of Enfeeblement had been painted on their foreheads.
“Because of him, its always because of him,” the imposing black man with graying dreadlocks said as they were shoved and goaded down the stairway by women with crazy eyes and short skirts, “I swear he gets us captured on purpose.”
“Zeth! I’m hurt, well and truly hurt,” Jason Magwier said as he surveyed his surroundings. His hair was curly and close cropped, his eyes were dark and they almost twinkled in the firelight, “Now don’t ether of you worry. We’ll be fine as long as I play it low key.”
The basement they were goaded into was a makeshift temple. Banners and graffiti extolling the virtues of the great god Thor covered each wall. At one end of the room was a worn anvil. Past the anvil was a high backed wooden chair, a hulking figure sat upon it.
“Does every bloodthirsty cult have the same decorator or something?” Lorelei mused as she and her companions were forced to their knees.
Magwier agreed, “And why are they always in a basement of some sort or another. Why not a nice upper floor suite?”
“Silence!” the figure on the throne shouted.
“Although you can’t fault the acoustics can you?”
The tall man stepped from the throne and approached them. He had a silver plated war-hammer slung over one shoulder. He was shirtless revealing long blonde hair and muscles that were just beginning to go soft with age, “You dared to desecrate our holy temple.”
“It was an accident. Dr. Flesh was-” Zeth tried to explain only to be silenced by a slap from one of the women.
Magwier’s eyes blazed with anger, “Now you stop this Stan Maxwell. We aren’t looking for trouble.”
The tall man frowned, “You know me?”
“Well, of course. You were the starting quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings from 1992 until 1995. Then you were tragically sidelined by a spinal injury.”
Lorelei sighed, “A jock and a bloodthirsty cultist? Just great.”
“I was chosen,” Stan explained, “that injury was Thor’s will.”
“Hail Thor!” the four women cheered.
Magwier stood, “As my friend tried to explain this was all a terrible misunderstanding. If you’ll just let us leave I’m sure-”
“No. You must pay for your crimes,” the tall man said, “with your lives.”
“Our lives? Doesn’t anyone get punished with community service anymore?”
Two of the women hustled Jason Magwier to the altar, there was an indentation perfect to cradle a human head. They held him down, pushing his cheek against the dried blood and slivers of skull.
“Please tell me this is part of his plan...” a quiver of worry crept into Lorelei’s voice.
Zeth snorted, “Please don’t tell me you think he’s got a plan.”
“Mighty Thor, lord of thunder...” Stan raised the war-hammer from his shoulder.
“Hail Thor!” the women cheered again.
“...Accept these sacrifices to sate your appetite for the great battle of Ragnarok.”
Jason Magwier began to laugh, a high pitched mocking cackle.
“Silence!” Stan lowered the hammer and then raised it again. The four women looked at each other in confusion, they’d never had a sacrifice do this before.
“I’m sorry,” Magwier snickered, “I know it’s disrespectful but... You mean to kill me with that mallet?”
“Mallet? This is the Hammer of Thor!”
The women said, “Hail Thor!”
Jason Magwier smiled, “Oh I’m sure it’s very impressive but it’s not going to even leave a bruise on me.”
Stan leaned forward, “Magic will not protect you.”
“Oh yes. The runes. Very impressive but there’s more to me than simple incantations,” Magwier laughed again, “I’ve lived in the future so I can’t very well die in the past can I?”
“You make no sense.”
“I suppose to your limited intellect it seems that way, but never mind. Smash away my good man. Smash away.”
Stan raised the silver plated war-hammer again, holding it over his head instead of his shoulder.
“But you getter get it right the first time,” Magwier said, “or you’re going to ruin a perfectly good mallet.”
“It’s not a mallet!” Stan’s face was turning purple with rage, “It is the Hammer of Thor!”
“Hail Thor!”
“Shut up!” he screamed at the women. “And you! I will pound you into dust with a single blow!”
Jason Magwier nodded condescendingly, “Sure you will.”
Bellowing with rage Stan Maxwell raised himself to his full height and hefted the hammer as far back as his muscles would allow.
There was a soft crack and Stan froze in place.
“Oh dear,” Magwier said, “sounds like someone just aggravated an old spinal injury...”
The priest of Thor whimpered and fell backwards. The four women ran to him babbling with worry. They were so busy fretting over Stan that they didn’t even realize Jason Magwier had freed himself from the ropes...
*
They walked out of the main gate. “You took an awful chance,” Zeth said.
Jason Magwier was carrying Maxwell’s silver hammer in his arms, “Nonsense. I knew what to do the very moment I realized they were Thor-worshippers.”
“And what was that?” Lorelei asked.
“Just like I said earlier,” Magwier smiled, “I played it low-key... or should I say Loki?”
Zeth chuckled. Lorelei rolled her eyes, “I can’t believe I’m sleeping with you.”
Click here to visit her site and let her know what you thought.
The Thief of Always is not a rare book, the fact that I am writing a book review is rare. But since my last got such an overwhelming response (3 comments!) I figured I would do it again. Anyone who knows me knows that I love horror written for children. I also love the show Toddlers & Tiaras. Anyway, two of my favorite "horror" books of all time were written for the young and young at heart: The Graveyard Book and Coraline. Both of those books were written by Neil Gaiman. The Thief of Always is written by Clive Barker. Yes, the creator of the Books of Blood and The Hellbound Heart wrote a book for children. I love this on so many levels...
Al Bruno III is, in the words of his own blog The Wit and Weirdness of Al Bruno III, “...a writer of irregular talent whose work is irregularly read. He prefers to write comedy and horror but is sometimes unsure of the difference.” Check out his blog to read some of his writings!
Al was born in Albany, New York, the oldest of six siblings who range from five to 40 years old! He's been married to the same woman for 17 years (congratulations!), and has a ten-year-old daughter. He's employed in the tech support field. “It's good money, but naps at lunchtime are a must,” he commented...
click here to read the rest at RANDOM ACTS OF GEEKERY!
The previous 12 months were interesting ones for the horror genre. I won't say outstanding, but I also won't say terrible. There certainly was a bunch of entertaining and engaging films released last year, but not as many as in some previous years. I can't say I'm totally thrilled with this top 10 list, but I can at least honestly say that the top 7 were films I genuinely found to be terrific. The rest may very well have been bumped if I had had the pleasure of seeing movies like The Crazies and Daybreakers, for example...
One of Geekdoms coolest couples got married last night!
Here are some of the facts from GEEKS OF DOOM!
After a one-year engagement, writer Neil Gaiman and musician Amanda Palmer got married last night, then broke the news today via their respective Twitter accounts...
Once fast food restaurants started selling male-enhancement drugs everybody started super-sizing their orders.
The hotel owners didn't care that Billy-Bob had legally married his horse, they refused to let them use the bridal suite.
The Chastity Promise Keeper's dance had an ocean theme this year, since most of the guys attending were no strangers to blue balls.
Unlike other superheroes cyborg redneck Rusty Johnson fought for truth, justice and an increase in the local speed limits.
The worst part wasn't that he nearly got scratched to death by cats, the worst part was his name was Claude.
Dave got an exclusive interview with the former California governor, sadly all his questions were about the film KINDERGARTEN COP.
She said “Throw me the whip and I'll throw you the idol!” Abner Deggent cursed himself for bringing a dominatrix on a tomb raid.
Oscar Wilde let himself into the garishly decorated guest bathroom and said, “Either this wallpaper goes or I do.”
Psychiatrists diagnosed Lyle as an atheist with a God complex and told him to just believe in himself.
The officer didn't need to give a full body cavity search for a minor traffic violation but he felt he needed to keep in practice.
They put Corporal Johnson in charge of all Army's all nude fighting brigade because he knew how to protect his privates.
You scream, I scream we all scream because we ate the ice cream too damn fast.
As far as Anber Deggent was concerned the only thing that made sense about women is that women never made any sense.
Mary spent the entire day potty training her child. By the time it was over she was pooped.
When it came to knowledge of different kinds of typefaces Ethel was a font of information.
They accused him of stealing products from the Apple Store. As security led him away he cried “iPaid!”
Dismembro- the superhero with a detachable body parts won a special award but didn't give a speech. The cat had his tongue.
Currency became so small in size that the government had it made at candy factories to take advantage of their junior mints.
Robert Fuest is a director whose name I learned early on in the world of horror movies. I was then very disappointed when his name stopped cropping up. Reports of a third (and fourth) Dr Phibes movie turned out to be rumours and Fuest settled back into TV and TV movies, most of which I haven't seen. Partly because they were rarely shown, but also because I was afraid they'd mar my admiration for his best work.
While he's mostly associated with the stylised world of The Avengers and the two Dr Phibes movies, he also made two straightforward horror films, the original And Soon the Darkness and The Devil's Rain. Between directing episodes of The Avengers and The New Avengers, he directed almost a cult movie for every year...
Amoeba-Man confronted the villain on a moving staircase. He tried to get him to come along quietly but things began to escalate.
To Lorelei spells were a lot like the Karma Sutra, the more elaborate you got the less likely you were to get the desired results.
Abner Deggent left a trail of destruction and illegitimate children in is wake, frequently on the same nights.
A motorist was rear-ended Tuesday when he stopped suddenly after spotting what he thought was a person lying in the road Tuesday in South Middleton Township, Cumberland County, state police said.
The person turned out to be an inflatable doll, investigators said...
click here to read the rest on WGAL
