The Wit And Weirdness Of Al Bruno III: 8/8/10

Friday, August 13, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Nine

He led the double life of a lawyer and a pugilist. Ever day he had to decide between boxers or briefs.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Eight

The meeting went on for hours but the atheists of the world still couldn't decide who to thank when it was Friday.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Seven

Magwier and Lorelei drove off leaving the Bone Eater screaming with frustration. Magwier said "That was a marrow escape."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

CORPSE WARS: The Fandom Menaced episode one

CORPSE WARS:

The Fandom Menaced

episode one

By

Al Bruno III

“Look at all these Jedi,” Mark Bradford said as he surveyed the line of fans that stretched for almost an entire block. He had sandy blond hair and eyes that seemed to be forever glancing at his shoes. He wore dark robes and a hooded cloak, there was a plastic lightsaber at his hip and a half empty can of Yoo-Hoo in his hand, “I should have worn my Stormtrooper uniform.”

“I thought you said you lost the codpiece,” Alec Stratton was slumped back in his lawn chair, his gray curls anchored under a faded The Empire Strikes Back baseball cap. He wore a t-shirt and shorts, exposing his spindly white limbs to the world.

“It’s got to be somewhere in the attic.”

“I still can’t believe we’re doing this, lining up again and for a do-over no less,” Alec rubbed his chin, “I just don’t know if the best way to celebrate the 40^th anniversary of Star Wars is by remaking the original trilogy.”

Mark shook his head, they seemed to have this discussion every day, “George Lucas knows what he’s doing.” None of the fans or general public had expected there to be another Star Wars film after Revenge Of the Sith, especially after the cancellation of the Star Wars TV shows and the general drying up of the franchise’s merchandising market share. “And what better way to celebrate the 40^th anniversary of the old Star Wars then by re-imagining it for a new generation?”

“Re-imagining! It’s going to be a disaster,” Alec said. When the internet started to buzz with rumors that George Lucas was planning a new project for his 70^th birthday no one expected that he would be back behind the cameras for something like this, “It’s a remake! And you just know it’s going to be tarted up and dumbed down. I mean for God’s sake they’ve got Johnny Knoxville playing Han Solo.”

Mark corrected him, “That’s Academy Award winner Johnny Knoxville.”

For the next three years rumors and grainy digital photos had trickled in to fan sites, images of the new cast and green screens.

Alec shifted in his lawn chair, “Back in my day you earned your chops to become an actor, now Hollywood is all just ex-porno chicks, circus geeks and CGI… things.”

“Then why are you here?”

“It’s Star Wars, where else would I be?”

No one was surprised at all when fans started lining up six weeks before the premiere at Albany’s Spectrum Theater. Of all the theaters in the area this was the best one to wait at, it was close to two fast food franchises and it was on a busy street instead of in a mall. That kept hecklers to a minimum.

Alec tugged on Mark’s robe, “Why don’t you sit down you’re making me nervous. And stop worrying about how you look, this isn’t a damned fashion show, at least not in the conventional sense of the word.”

“I know. I know.”

There were plenty of other kinds of costumes in the line, Darth Vaders, bounty hunters and Han Solos but there really had been a run on Jedi, maybe it was because they were the cheapest costumes to make.

Mark couldn’t get over how lucky Alec was. Alec didn’t worry about work or rent or much of anything else. Aside from a brief and disastrous marriage, he had lived with his parents for so long that they had become senior citizens and no longer had the will to try and force him to move out. Mark admired that almost as much as he admired the fact that Alec had seen the original Star Wars during its first run - before it had become A New Hope, before digital effects and ‘Greedo Shot First’.

Mark’s first Star Wars film had been The Phantom Menace. He’d seen it at the drive-in at the age of four and it left him a fan for life. The next eighteen years of his life had become a travelogue of collectables, videos and tie-in novels.

“As soon as we’re done we have to head back to my place so we can post some reviews online,” Alec said.

Mark glanced further down the line, “Is that fat guy dressed in Princess Leia’s metal bikini?”

Alec followed his gaze and then shook his head, “You really want to wax if you’re going to wear a costume like that.”

“Well, you know when the news crews get here that’s all they’re going to show on the air.”

“Nature of the beast,” Alec chuckled, “the news doesn’t want to see normal upstanding citizens like us. All they want is a freak show to entertain Joe and Jane six-pack.”

“Actually did you notice there haven’t been many news crews around today? I wonder-” Mark paused in mid sentence, “What’s that smell?”

“I don’t…” Alec tested the air again then pinched his nose closed. “Ugh. Is that a skunk?”

Mark put his sleeve over his face; the other fans were reacting similarly, “Whatever it is it smells like road kill.”

People began pointing at a mass of lumbering figures moving down the street, oblivious to traffic. Their clothes were filthy. They groaned and growled feebly. Every trembling footstep seemed poised to send them tumbling to the ground.

“Is there are horror movie out this week?” Mark asked.

“Horror fans don’t smell like that,” Alec stood, straining to see the figures more clearly, “they smell like cheap beer and cigarettes.”

The shambling figures reached the end of the line. The fans were gasping and gagging at the smell but they refused to move and lose their spots. They stood their ground, even when the figures began biting and tearing at their flesh...

Click Here To Continue

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred And Fifty One Through One Thousand Five Hundred

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty One

Of all the super heroes in the world the powers of Dismembro were considered the most disgusting.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty Two

Abner Deggent believed that you should speak softly and carry a big stick. And a handgun. And some dynamite. And condoms.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty Three

"I died and went to Valhalla," Hrothgar explained, "but it was like a popularity contest with broadswords."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty Four

His wife just didn't understand him anymore, mostly because he refused to speak anything but Klingon.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty Five

The specialized moves in the sport of Extreme Nerd Cagefighting are 'the Windmill', 'the Kick and Run' and 'the Slappy Shatner'.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty Six

As he watched another one of his airships crash and burn Professor Lindquist realized that blimpin' ain't easy.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty Seven

The cannibal spies left Abner Deggent battered.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty Eight

Karl liked to brag that he made ladies' panties wet for a living. He didn't mention he worked in a Laundromat.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Fifty Nine

"Wizard birthday parties always suck," Audra said, "I mean what to you get for the man who can spontaneously generate anything?"

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty

The Legion Of Protectors had battled aliens, vampires and supervillains galore but they thought twice about pissing off 4chan.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty One

She left taking her clothes, her make-up and all his shoes. He awoke to find her gone and his toenails bright red.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty Two

The STAR WARS cosplayer liked to have sex 'Corellian Style' but that was because he was always going Solo.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty Three

Captain Renault's grandson became a crazed cannibal, by the time they caught him he had ground up the usual suspects.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty Four

The rejection slip said Alfred's prose style was 'too feminine'. Alfred vowed to track the editor down scratch his eyes out.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty Five

The strain of managing a comic book store drove him mad, you might say he had issues.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty Six

"Your joke was like my sex life," he said, "I don't get it."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty Seven

The witch doctor promised to curse the mercenaries with the Living Death. Abner Deggent just laughed, he had already been married.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty Eight

After she lost both of her arms on the job she was laid off with severance pay.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Sixty Nine

Talking in his sleep had ruined George's marriage but at least he didn't have to be awake to run a kickass Dungeons & Dragons game.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy

Amazing Ed spent twenty minutes trying to diffuse the bomb before someone told him it was pinata

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy One

He spent years as a door to door sponge salesman but then the market dried up.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Two

Professor Olam and the Silver League vowed to forge the future with steam power and dreams. Neither stayed in fashion long enough.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Three

A 3rd version of the Time Police had to be created to fix time paradoxes created by the other Time Police repairing time paradoxes.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Four

It was a shop that specialized in products for women with oversized vaginas but it just couldn't compete with the Big Box Stores.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Five

He tried to cure nerds of their long-standing fears of gymnasiums by making them smell used sports equipment. It was Jock Therapy.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Six

With no more lotion to enhance female arousal they tried Vics Vapor Rub. There was a lot of screaming in the bedroom that night.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Seven

The Legion of Protectors had defended Earth from alien cyborgs nine times before but where they ready for the Deus Machina X?

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Eight

"I hated being a super hero in the 90's. It was all about image and we were always getting foiled. No one had any perspective."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Nine

It started out as the first All-Gay Flea Market but it kinda turned into a swap meat.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty

Since in their later years many of the members became professional haberdashers 4chan came to be known as the Internet Hat Machine.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty One

The only thing Mad Scientists love more than a lightning storm was a sale at Radio Shack.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty Two

Amazing Ed was working on a book about his life was a crimefighter. He was called it, "AUGH! MY SPLEEN!"

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty Three

She observed that a great many movies rated 'For Mature Audiences Only' frequently featured girls that looked like teenagers.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty Four

How could Magwier explain the a war between amphibians had broken out? He said, "I have some good newts and some bad newts..."

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty Five

The congressman spent so much time working to protect the institution of marriage that his wife left him.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty Six

The time machine's computer system worked via Microsoft Word so you really had to know how to cut and past.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty Seven

The worst part about being an atheist was the lack of good cursewords to use when you stubbed your toe.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty Eight

Scientists discovered that Polyester was transmitting the Zombie Virus- so it turned out Disco really would live forever.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Eighty Nine

It surprised some people to learn that Hell had an excellent training department, it was called law school.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety

Dismembro was the only super hero with detachable body parts- there was nothing worse than when he gave you the finger.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety One

He was the first mad scientist to invent a frog condom. The secret was you had to ribbit.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety Two

Karl was a hunka-hunka burnin' love. He really should have worn a condom.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety Three

She's got a ticket to ride but she couldn't get past the damn TSA screeners.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety Four

Abner Deggent renamed his boat- 'The Bitch Got Everything Else In The Divorce' but he insisted he wasn't bitter.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety Five

He wasn't the first guy to brag that he was 'bigger than Jesus' but at a weight of 350 pounds he was probably right.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety Six

The worst part about being a sidekick was having to sit at the little table during meetings in the Justice Hall.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety Seven

It was worrying enough when the goblin hordes began massing along the border- it was even more so when they started doing The Wave.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety Eight

Her first play was about menopausal and pubescent women in the 18th century. It was a period piece.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Four Hundred and Ninety Nine

After the second time he whined "Are we there yet?" She realized he had no patience with foreplay.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred

It was an honest mistake and he was in a rush but Captain Hero never forgave himself for the day he wore his spandex inside out.

But the cat came back...

Thanks to FARK.com for reminding me about this one...

(Recommendation) 'I'm Leaving' by Timothy P. Remp

The lights in the house dimmed. Maggie looked out the kitchen window. Beyond the tall stalks of corn and vines of tomatoes of her garden, the windows of their two car garage flickered blue and orange. Viktor was at it again...

click here to read the rest

(Recommendation) Carillon Beauty by Louise Dragon

"Good God, Gwen," you ever wear anything that isn't gray? You need to put a little color into your life" Cynthia Guthrie greeted her daughter at the front door.

"Why, Mother, so people will look at me?"...

click here to read the rest