Saturday, October 16, 2010

Ten days until I'm 43! AUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!

 

I am now closer to the my death than I am to the sweet Thanksgiving night I lost my virginity!

 

(Long story- we'll get to it later.)

 

But the point is- how did another year go by so damn fast? 

 

Who knows? All I do know is that I've learned that aging is - much like jury duty and foreplay- is not something you can avoid.

 

However I do want to thank you folks out there for allowing me to share my stories with you. Time my be flying but you've been helping me to have fun while doing it.

 

 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions): Angel Hair And Baby’s Breath

The Nick Of Time
(and other abrasions)
Angel Hair And Baby’s Breath
by
Al Bruno III


“What are we doing here?” Lorelei asked as she crawled through the second story window. She was nineteen years old. Her hair was dyed fuchsia and she wore mostly black.
“We’re- WUFF- We’re- WUFF-” Jason Magwier leapt up, his fingers just catching on the windowsill then slipping away, “-WUFF-I mean to say...”
The next time he jumped Lorelei grabbed his wrists and pulled him inside, “Talk.”
“I just need some angel hair,” Magwier fell on the hardwood floor. Even though he smiled his eyes were sad. His close-cropped hair was dark. He wore jeans, a battered leather jacket and a t-shirt for the long lost rock band White Brains On Toast.
The house they were in had been recently abandoned, Magwier had a thing for abandoned houses. Lorelei didn’t; when you lived in a world of secrets and magic life was cheap and real estate was at a premium.
Magwier put a finger to his lips and made a shushing sound. Lorelei pulled a long-empty Zippo lighter from her jacket pocket and flicked the tumblewheel. Reddish flame haloed out around them.
“Angel hair...” she quietly scoffed. There were no such things as angels so finding bits of their hair was next to impossible. “Sometimes,” Lorelei hissed, “I can’t believe we’re friends.”
“We’re a lot more than friends,” he said affectionately.
“Well... sometimes I can’t believe that either.”
They made their way up the stairs to the fourth floor. All along the walls were pale rectangles marking where pictures had once been hung. Lorelei wondered what had been there. Paintings? Photographs? One hundred year old framed erotic woodcarvings?
“What are you snickering at?” Magwier asked softly.
“Private joke.”
He raised an eyebrow, the crimson light from her haunted Zippo made him look demonic. What am I doing with this man? Lorelei wondered. I like him but he loves me...

“Oh!” Magwier said suddenly, “Excuse us...”
There was a woman at the end of the hallway; her figure was swollen and ugly, she wore a short, ill-fitting apron of red leather. At first Lorelei thought her face was locked in an idiot gape but then she realized the woman was wearing the mangled head of an inflatable sex doll over her face.
Lorelei asked, “Who are you?”
“Baby’s...” the grotesque figure’s voice was small and frail, “...Breath.”
“We don’t want any trouble,” Lorelei said.
Baby’s Breath cocked her head, “...are you angels?”
Lorelei didn’t answer, she didn’t dare. Theology and lunatics were always a volatile mix.
“There was an angel. His touch was like glass,” the masked woman whispered.
Magwier eye’s brightened with interest, “What do you-”
A tearing sound interrupted them. Something wet and gleaming dropped from between the legs of Baby’s Breath. It hit the floor with a splat and began to mewl. It tried to creep away, dragging itself turtle-like by its wings.
“Oh sweet holy fuck,” Lorelei said.
Baby’s Breath ignored the crawling thing and said, “You want the hair... they always want the hair...”
“Oh no,” Magwier said, “I have plenty of hair. I mean you should see my back. Am I right Lorelei?”
Lorelei didn’t speak, she just watched the grotesque figure drop to her knees looking like an animal getting ready to attack. “Magwier...” she said softly, “I think we should get ready to split up.”

He was incredulous,“You want to talk about our relationship now?”
Baby’s Breath charged at them.
Magwier pushed Lorelei aside and ran for one of the fourth floor’s empty rooms, the figure in red leather hot on his heels.
The impact with the floor momentarily dazed Lorelei. She heard a crash and Jason Magwier making a gurgling sound. Her Zippo was on the floor near her feet. She grabbed it and made a run for the doorway she had seen her lover disappear into.
Baby’s Breath was strangling him. He clawed at the hands around his throat but his eyes were starting to roll back.
Lorelei saw that Baby’s Breath was naked save for her ridiculous mask and red leather apron. Another squealing thing dropped out from between her legs and plopped onto the floor. Lorelei darted forward and flicked her haunted lighter scorching the madwoman’s exposed backside.
She screamed and dropped Magwier. Now it was Lorelei’s turn to run. She made it all the way to the top of the stairs before thick fingers tangled in her hair.
This is it. She thought, I’m going to die and in an appropriately ridiculous manner.
“WAIT!” Magwier shouted in a croaking voice.
Baby’s Breath turned in place, dragging Lorelei with her. The grotesque woman snarled a challenge.
There was an strange glint in Jason Magwier’s eyes. He extended one arm and hooked the other on his hip. Then he began to sing, “I’m a little teapot short and stout. This is my arm and this is my spout...”
Baby’s Breath drew back in confusion, her grip loosened and Lorelei pulled free.
Once she had blundered two steps back Lorelei spun around with and caught the other woman in the chest with a clumsy kick.
Clumsy but effective. Lorelei thought.
Baby’s Breath clawed at empty air as she tipped backwards and went crashing down the four flights of stairs. She hit the bottom landing face first and her stomach split open like a rotten melon. Tiny figures, wet misshapen and half squashed, crawled free.
Jason Magwier put his arm around Lorelei, she leaned her head on his shoulder. “What were those things?”
“Little messiahs,” He said, “come on, lets get that hair and go home. We can stop by the frozen custard stand if you like.”
They turned to leave, then Lorelei paused and punched him in the arm.
“What was that for?” Magwier asked.
When she spoke her voice was full of annoyed disbelief, “I’m a Little Teapot?”

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Fort Worth City Councilman Joel Burns shows what it really is to be a hero

 

The man speaks the truth, life does get better. If any of you ever feel like you might hurt yourself get help. If I hadn't gotten help I might not be here typing this to you now...

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Eighty Five

He watched as heroes become reviled as traitors and the great truths were dismissed as lies. Just an average day at FOX NEWS.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Six Hundred and Eighty Four

They thought she was crazy to build a filtration system out of an old mattress but soon people were lining up for her spring water.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis chapter eighty five

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis


Chapter Eighty Five


By AL BRUNO III




Saturday, December 4th 1996





Isobel was a mote, a tiny flicker of thought plummeting through vistas of curved time and angled space.


No, not through.


Between.


The very essences of reality were locked against one another like the gears of a great machine. These were the Engines of Eternity and they had long ago ground to a halt.


Of course these impressions were nothing more than illusions, these were her human mind trying to understand the impossible. As she moved through the Spaces Between Isobel likened herself to an ant exploring an engine block, or a worm making its way along a skeleton that had already been picked clean.


“Don’t be afraid,” Hao’s voice said, “you’re not alone.”


But how could that be? How could she have heard a voice when sound was an impossibility?


There were presences nearby. Isobel knew this even though she knew that sight was an impossibility in a place like this. These minds were alien and pathetic, they paid no attention as she passed them by.


She felt herself change direction, her essence moving deeper and deeper into the blinding confusion. Isobel wondered if this journey would drive her insane. Again she asked herself it the exchange was worth it, all this for love.


Love.


Something buried deep inside her lit up like a spark at the very thought of the word. A primal reaction she knew hadn’t come from outside her but from within.


Love. Love. Love Love. The word echoed itself into nonsense.


Her mother had always told Isobel that she didn’t have an ounce of common sense, that she would always be a squanderer and a fool. Well, maybe that was right, but her mother had been talking about money, what would she say if she knew that her daughter had squandered lives and mysteries?


Mother.


Another echo, another flutter like butterflies in her stomach.


Mother. Mother. Mother. Mother.


When would this journey end? Would it ever? Perhaps this was to be her punishment for bringing ruin down on Laurel House to be cast adrift forever in this madness.


A shudder swept through the Spaces Between. It was like the sound of an explosion heard from far away. It was like a death rattle.


“Too late!” Hao’s impossible voice was a cry, “Too late!”


Something black rose up out of the nothing, it was like a cloud of debris that squirmed and squealed. It was a tidal wave ofscreams.


It swept over them.


And in her blindness and terror Isobel felt her grip on the others loosen and give way.



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(Recommended Reads) "Forever" by Clive Martyn

The sickening smell of rotting flesh was becoming overpowering, reaching under the door that was now always closed, into the corridor beyond.

The nurse took a deep breath outside before knocking and stepping into the small room...

click here to read the rest

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I should be ashamed of myself for laughing at this video... and so should you!

Roadside Velvet part nine

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Four

Roadside Velvet

part nine




Another rainy day, another misspent afternoon of D&D.


“I don’t see why the king’s guards won’t let us into the palace,” Gordon said, “we completed his damn quest.”


Adrian looked up from behind the Dungeon Master’s screen, “They don’t recognize you guys. What do you expect?”


“We just came back from the Tomb of Horrors,” I said, “there’s no way you can survive that thing without changing your gender and alignment at least twice.”


Daniel nodded sadly at his character sheet, “I went from having a blood thirsty, demon worshipping Anti-Paladin that looked like Rutger Hauer to a hot chick that likes long walks on the beach and holding hands.”


But our Dungeon Master wasn’t budging, I think it was partially sour grapes because he had expected us to die in the Tomb of Horrors but he hadn’t counted on our combination of bad ideas and dumb luck to carry us through the day.


Harry of course was barely paying attention, he was tinkering with our host’s new computer, “Cool Mac Plus.”


Adrian preened, “Yeah, its got 4 megabytes.”


“Wow.”


“Hey,” Daniel said. “What’s this thingie over here by the keyboard?”


In case I hadn’t mentioned it before, Daniel was Adrian’s best friend. They looked almost like brothers and quarreled exactly like sisters. Daniel had been a year behind us in high school and had just graduated. He planned to attend college in the fall but was still torn between being a computer programmer or crime fighting adventurer. Personally I didn’t think our high school had appropriately prepared him for either option.


“That’s a mouse,” Adrian tapped the object Daniel was looking at. “It’s an optional thing. I’m not sure if I’ll ever need it.”


I whistled admiringly, “It’s a sweet machine.”


Adrian nodded, “My girlfriend got totally turned on by it.”


Daniel gave him a hearty thumbs up, “All right!”


“Really?” I asked.


“Oh totally,” Adrian said. “An Apple computer is a status symbol, like a Ferrari.”


Gordon rattled his dice, “Can we get back to the game? I am through talking, my sexually confused halfling wants to kill.”


“What are we going to do?” I asked, “Attack the guards while we’re in the middle of a heavily armed fortress?”


“Hell yes!”


Daniel shrugged, “Ok, but my Lawful Good hippie chick will shed a tear before she starts stabbing.”


And so the running battle through the fortress of King Freemantle began. We cut a path of destruction through the stone hallways, leaving bodies and utterly befouled tapestries in our wake.


“My character is running low on hit points,” Gordon said.


I shook a finger at him, “I told you this was a bad idea.”


“Gripe. Gripe. Gripe. This is what Chewbacca would do.”


Daniel sneered, “I don’t think Chewie would use a scullery maid as a human shield.”


“I think it’s implied.”


“Hey Harry... Earth to Harry...” I said, “We need your cleric here.”


Harry’s eyes were fixed on the computer screen, “Sure. I heal everyone.”


“Who first?”


Adrian drummed his fingers on the Player’s Handbook “Let’s move it along, I have a date in a few hours.”


The thought of Adrian getting dates annoyed me, “Really?”


“Yes, I told you all about her.”


“So you’ve got a girlfriend that is putting herself through college by stripping.”


He raised an eyebrow, “Jealous?”


“No,” I lied, “I just find it hard to believe a girl like that would be all hot and bothered for a guy that still lives in his parents’ basement.”


Adrian’s expression became sour, “I only live here because the cool air helps preserve my comic book collection.”


“What is it with you Al?” Daniel said, “Isn’t his word good enough for you? Do you need him to show you the pictures again?”


“Please don’t.”


“Is it my turn yet?” Gordon asked but no one paid attention.


Adrian clapped me on the shoulder, “You know what your problem is Al?”


“I bet you’re going to tell me,” I sighed


“You’re problem is that you don’t understand women.”


“Is that so?”


“No offense,” Harry said, “but you’re the one crying himself to sleep over some girl you hooked up with in high school.”


“You see Al,” Adrian leaned back in his seat, “women aren’t like men…”


“Brilliant!” Daniel said.


“…women aren’t as evolved as us. They’re still in that primitive state of mind where they’re looking for the alpha caveman. You know, the best provider. That’s why you see so many hot chicks with doofy looking rich guys.”


I nodded, “And you speak from experience with this?”


Adrian just kept right on talking, “So the first thing women are drawn to is money and power- of which you Al have none. The second thing women are drawn to are bad boys, guys with a bad attitude and an edgy personality like Axl Rose or Sean Penn-”


“Or me!” Harry said.


Gordon’s voice was pleading, “Can I just make a to hit roll?”


I was getting close to losing my temper but I tried to stay civil, “So, what you’re saying is that under normal circumstances no woman will be attracted to me. Is that it?”


Adrian nodded, “You have one hope, one thing no woman can resist.”


“This should be good.”


“Synchronized breathing.”


I did one of my classic double takes, “What?”


“Synchronized breathing,” Adrian repeated. “If you’re talking to a woman and synchronize your breathing with hers she will slowly become aroused and view you as the source of that arousal.”


“Synchronized breathing?” I said again.


“It’s a subtle form of hypnosis that women are very susceptible to. It has something to do with their unconscious yearning to have a baby in their womb,” Adrian explained.


Harry turned away from the computer, “Are you serious?”


“Yes,” Adrian said.


“Ok,” he turned back.


“So…” I couldn’t believe I was hearing this, “I just breathe in time with the object of my desire and it will be an aphrodisiac.”


Daniel nodded, “That’s what the man said.”


I thought of Athena’s legs wrapped around me and shrugged, “Well. I’ll try anything once.”


Gordon grinned, “That’s what Orville said.”


“What?”







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