Saturday, April 28, 2012
(Insane News) man goes to dentist that happens to be his ex-girlfriend
A dentist pulled out all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he dumped her for another woman – who has now left him because he is toothless.
Anna Mackowiak, 34, is facing jail after taking her revenge on 45-year-old Marek Olszewski when he turned up at her surgery with toothache just days after breaking up with her.
She gave him a heavy dose of anaesthetic and plucked his teeth out...
Friday, April 27, 2012
(Insane News) "Obiwan Kenobi Arrested In Roseville Hit-And-Run"
Jedi-mind tricks apparently weren't enough to keep Obiwan Kenobi out of the Placer County Jail.
Roseville police said that over the weekend they arrested a 37-year-old with the same name as the Star Wars character on suspicion of hit-and-run causing injury. Kenobi was also wanted on an unrelated charge of petty theft, authorities said.
Kenobi was arrested in connection with a five-vehicle crash that took place March 19 at Fairway and Rosehall drives...
(Insane News) Man Sues BMW for Causing Persistent Erection
The civil suit, filed in the Superior Court of California in San Francisco, alleges the plaintiff, Henry Wolf, developed a severe case of priapism after a long ride on a 1993 BMW motorcycle. Priapism is a medical condition where a penis becomes erect and does not return to a flaccid state.
Wolf claims he rode the motorcycle on a four-hour trip – two hours each way – on May 1, 2010. Soon after, the man claims, he developed a case of priapism. He blames the condition on the motorcycle seat which is describes as “ridge-like”.
The man claims the condition caused emotional distress..
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Seventy Five
“The fire hydrant smells like blood and urine,” Jason Magwier paused, “this is the mark of the vampire.”
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Seventy Four
An alien hellbeast burst into the libraries' periodical room and devoured everyone therein. Truly it was a Reader's Digest.
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Seventy Three
Alligator Joe was the world's greatest wetland and marsh explorer. He had so much work, that he was always swamped.
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Seventy Two
Greg got his purity band five sizes too large so it could double as a cock ring.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Seventy One
Several circus performers caught a bad case of VD from Lola the fire eater. If only she had noticed that burning sensation.
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Seventy
She married Ted so she could get medical coverage, Ted married Julie for her dental plan. It wasn't love, just friends with benefits.
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Sixty Nine
He found her 'G-spot'. She made her 'O-face' and screamed the 'F-bomb'. They were both arrested for doing it on the 'L-train'
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Sixty Eight
He told himself he wasn't getting fat his clothes were shrinking. It wasn't so easy to tell himself that his car was shrinking too.
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Sixty Seven
In the future laws were passed to give poorly constructed robots the status of personhood because life begins at contraption.
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Sixty Six
The young wizard had a one night stand with a tree spirit, he never did it again because he couldn't get the sap out of the sheets.
5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Sixty Five
Karl didn't return his library books late because he was a slow reader, he did it because angry librarians turned him on.
Second Fiction Two Thousand and Sixty Five
Great superhero teams had great battle cries, the battle cry of the Local Heroes was “Remember where we parked!”
(Insane News) "Teen Driver Shoots Flare Into Own Car, Police Say"
Found on FARK.com
Police said the two cars were driving north on Interstate 93 toward Bow when 18-year-old Nicholas Richer pointed a flare gun out of the window at the other driver. Investigators said Richer fired the flare into his own car as he was pulling the gun back in the window.
Police said the two cars were driving north on Interstate 93 toward Bow when 18-year-old Nicholas Richer pointed a flare gun out of the window at the other driver. Investigators said Richer fired the flare into his own car as he was pulling the gun back in the window.
The other driver called 911 to report the incident.
"The flare gun discharged inside the suspect's vehicle, ignited, caught the right passenger's front seat on fire," Johnston said.
A state police trooper caught up with Richer at a gas station off of Interstate 89 in Bow. He said the flare just missed a youth sitting in the front passenger seat...
To read the rest click hereTuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Still Not Quite What They’re Looking For part five
Price Breaks and Heartaches
A journal of retail and failed romance
Chapter Ten
Still Not Quite What They’re Looking For
part five
My sister left home again but this time it was to get married. She was awfully young for marriage but the family begrudgingly accepted it. I had always thought I would be the first to leave home- well actually thrown out is the word I would have used. With her gone the house felt empty, it was just me and my mother and stepfather now.
And my brother.
And my grandmother.
And my great-grandmother.
And the up to 12 shih tzu puppies that were wandering the house at any time.
See? It was a ghost town without her.
*
But we still shared Sunday dinners whenever we could, or at least the different factions of the family that were speaking that week did. In fact in most cases it was a good Sunday dinner that made everyone change sides for a while. This week’s combatants were myself, my mother, stepfather, grandmother, great grandmother, brother, sister and my shiny new brother in law Lloyd.
Everyone was busy serving themselves and as I waited for the plates to come around I tried to get to know my new brother-in-law a little better. I started with the basics asking him what he did for a living.
"Blacktopping mostly." He said, "Car detailing too."
"I see. I don’t know much about either, is there good money in it?" The potatoes had reached me I figured one scoop was the best way to go considering the number of guests at dinner and the number of belt loops I was using.
"I have no complaints," Lloyd said.
My grandmother asked, "Can you afford a house?"
"It depends on the kind of a house."
"An apartment is a nice way to start." I said, "Maybe you should try a condo."
Lloyd gave me a funny look, "She’s on the pill not that its any of your business."
Thankfully the plate brimming with ham steak reached me and I kept busy with that.
"Take more." My great grandmother said, "You need to eat."
My brother Phil laughed at that, "No he doesn’t."
"Everyone is so concerned with my well being." I said.
My mother explained, "We worry about you. You haven’t been the same since your girlfriend broke up with you."
"That which does not destroy me only makes me stronger right?" I tried to sound chipper but I kept my eyes on the gravy boat, "And considering my soul has been crushed I must be doing awesome."
My stepfather said, "I think you’re being a little dramatic."
Actually the real drama was the night of the breakup but thankfully no one had seen me tearing at my clothes and then shut myself in the closet so I could scream into my fist.
Phil said, "He was gonna marry her. Heck he thought she was pregnant."
A collective gasp went up from the table. I blushed, "I was going to marry her anyway."
"Married?" My grandmother said, "You’re still a baby with milk in your mouth."
"You shouldn’t be in such a hurry to get married." My mother said, "I married your father when I was too young and look what happened."
"Uhm." I said. That was all I dared say. My Dad’s version of the story was very different but it was not the kind of thing to bring up there, especially not when the peas hadn’t reached me yet. My sister Greta looked a little uncomfortable with the whole getting married too young subject.
"You should join the army." My stepfather said, "It would help you grow up."
I answered honestly, "I’m not sure if that’s the right choice for me."
"Besides," my brother said, "the army doesn’t take retards."
"Yes they do," My stepfather corrected. "It’s called officers school."
Ah humor in uniform.
"So." I deftly changed the subject, "Blacktopping huh? Sounds pretty seasonal."
"Actually..." Lloyd explained, "In the off season you can do a lot of work patching driveways. That road salt is a bitch."
My mother gave my arm a good slap, "I can't believe you almost got a girl pregnant."
"Mom!" I said, "We're talking about blacktopping now."
"You better be careful," My grandmother cautioned.
"Yeah." Lloyd said, "And wear a condo."
There was a brief pause in the conversation while I tried not to choke to death on a mouthful of mashed potatoes. Once my air tubes had cleared and the spots had gone from my eyes I said, "You don't need to worry about me."
"We worry about you a lot." My mother said, "You're moody, you started playing those stupid role-playing games again and you're spending so much money on pornography."
At the time I remember thinking to myself that if there truly was a loving God with a plan for my life then 'pornography' was just my mother's sarcastic way of referring to my small fortune of Doctor Who related merchandise.
"Your mother has a point," my stepfather said, "how many stroke mags does one guy need?"
At the time I remember thinking Screw you God. The feeling may have been mutual.
"How do you guys know this?" I asked. After all I wouldn't have a blog for over two decade yet.
With that my brother got up and went into my room and I already knew that he was looking behind the dresser in the old book bag. He brought a pile of dirty magazines roughly the size of a toaster right to the dinner table. "Look at this." Phil said, "Five bucks... Six bucks... Holy shit- twelve dollars!"
"Ah," I tried to explain, "that one is a collectors' edition."
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