Saturday, December 5, 2009

It needs to be said again; I am going to miss the 10th Doctor!




Video Blog Review II: THEY CALL ME MACHO WOMAN

If these things keep expanding to longer than ten minutes I may have to break down and get a YouTube account.

Which would mean ANOTHER password and login to remember.

Still though, let me know what what you think of my rambling half-assed observations.

Part One


Part Two


Part Three


Part Four




Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know? Y'know?

Sigh

I really need to rehearse these things...

Friday, December 4, 2009

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eleven

She only spoke perfect French when she was orgasming, these days all her husband could do was give her a slight accent.

(Recommended Reads) "The Balrog Looms" by John Wiswell

Joel and Elijah knew they were in trouble even before they left for the bathroom. New kids can sense trouble like that. There’s being an awkward new kid at an empty table, and then there’s being an awkward new kid at an empty table with your brother while all the boys at all the surrounding tables stared and glared at your kippah...

click here to continue

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Ten

Christmas was his favorite time of the year to go door to door telling kids there was no Santa Claus.

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Nine

He promised her he would wait for her until she came back; he didn't promise her he would wait alone.

(Recommended Reads) "Tickets, Please" by J. Dane Tyler

The wheels clattering over the track junction woke him from a restless sleep.

He blinked into the strange light. For a moment he couldn’t find the source of the blue-white glow, but gave it no further thought when he couldn’t recall getting on a train in the first place. He slid upright in the uncomfortable vinyl seat, and rubbed his eyes.


Click here to continue

(Recommended Reads) "Timmy" by Raven Blackbirdsong

“Why’d you do it?” asked the police officer.

“Because he didn’t do what I asked him to,” replied the little girl holding a black puppy in her arms...



Click here to continue

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Eight

It wasn't that he was a bad comedian, he just needed the vegetables.

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Seven

The waters of the grotto in the Playboy Mansion spawned the first Shoggoth in 10,000 years- and it had herpies.

(Recommended Reads) "Stairway To Heaven" by Weezel

The stone tower loomed out of the landscape like a gray-black splinter. Puzzled, I stared for a moment before retrieving a pair of binoculars for a better view. I’ve lived in this house for twenty-two years, looked out at this same scenery countless times and I’d never noticed this unusual and distinctly out of place stone tower shooting out of the countryside.

Click here to read the rest

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Six

All the super villains wanted to team up with Laserface- The Man With The Hologram Head because his name was so damn cool.

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Five

Captain Hero turned to Amazing Ed, “What the Hell kind of a power is 'Sonic Vision'?”

Another awesome trailer for the film BLACK LIGHTNING!

Thank you for making me aware of this movie TWITCH!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Some Fun Trailers and Teasers I Found Courtesy Of The SCREAMSTRESS

A Look at the Sundance Film Festival Midnight Lineup

SPLICE


TUCKER AND DALE VS EVIL

The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions): The Trailer Park Of Dracula part two

The Nick Of Time

(and other Abrasions)

The Trailer Park Of Dracula

part two

Brides Of The Trailer Park Of Dracula
by
Al Bruno III





He was almost fifty and he still carried the lessons of Vietnam with him; the lessons of war, the mysteries of the gun and the ability to glimpse the secret pathways. Once again he was on a poorly planned out adventure at the request of his old friend Jason Magwier, in truth he wouldn't have it any other way. He just wished that the man had left his new girlfriend behind. She was nothing but trouble...

*



The Seven were crooning blasphemies in the moonlight, beseeching the dark gods for protection and power. One by one they cut themselves to let blood spill into the shallow brook that bordered the forest on one side and the Frosty Acres trailer park on the other. Even by the light of the dwindling it was obvious there was something unnatural about them.

Prayer- the last refuge of scoundrels and monsters... Zeth thought as he stood in the shadow of a nearby tree keeping half his attention on the rites of the Seven and the other half on Magwier and his new sweetheart.

The damn fools were too close, too close to the action and too close to each other. Zeth glared at them half crouching, half-snuggling behind a dead tree. Bad enough Magwier had broken Rio's heart but to have done it in anticipation of Lorelei Miller?

The chanting stopped. He heard a muffled cry from Magwier's girl and a bird-like squawk from the man himself. Zeth reached for his sidearm knowing he had only seconds to react. A dark shape dropped onto him from the treetops.

*

It wasn't the first time Zeth had awoken to find himself bound, stripped to the waist and about to be beaten- but it was the first time it had ever happened with a Typo O Negative mix tape playing in the background.

The blows that landed on him were from fists wrapped in bands of leather and barbed wire. Each hit was well placed and well timed, just enough to hurt, not enough to kill.

At least for a while.

Between the flashes of raw red pain Zeth took stock of his surroundings. His wrists were tied with a length of nylon rope and that rope was looped through a hook set into the ceiling of the trailer.

Looks like they've done this kind of thing before. Zeth thought.

His tormentor struck again, knocking the wind from Zeth and pulling the skin of his gut away in tatters. The impact set Zeth rocking in place; the hook set in the ceiling creaked on its moorings.

Interesting...

He was in a trailer, a dingy-looking double wide affair with a stained linoleum floor and a threadbare couch; the windows had blankets hung over them and the stove had been uncleaned for so long that it was streaked with black.

The radio blaring the best of Bloody Kisses was the only clean looking thing in the place, and that included his captors.

Another punch this one caught him in the bicep but cut deep. Zeth swung backwards again, his feet slipping in drops of his own blood.

There's my guns. he noted. On the stove.

“Why don't you say something?” the man with barbed wire gloves said. He was pale, with snow colored hair and milk white skin. He was shirtless and gleefully blood-spattered. Three women sat on the couch behind him, watching intently and licking their lips.

“I'm not really the begging type.” Zeth explained, trying to keep his tone causal. He knew the man by reputation, he called himself Fenris and always kept three beautiful women with him- each of them human and eager. Zeth never understood why otherwise rational people would romanticize the undead. It was like having a fetish for tick bites.

“Oh you'll beg.” Fenris grinned, “Ladies, give him some pleasure to sweeten the pain.”

He stepped back and the three women surged forward and began licking at the wounds on Zeth's chest.

“Mmmm salty,” one said.

The other laughed, “He's got a Budda belly.”

“But broad shoulders,” the third's lips were red from the wound on his bicep, “I like broad shoulders.”

“Ladies, please don't bother.” Zeth smirked at them, “I'm gay.”

“What?” the woman lapping at his chest backed away.

Another one of the women joined her, “You’re a queer?”

All three of them retreated back to Fenris. Zeth raised an eyebrow, “It seems a little bit late to be embracing conventional morality.”

Fenris came at him again but this time Zeth kicked him in the chest sending the shirtless man sprawling backwards into his brides. Then Zeth put all his weight on his bonds and pulled.

Roaring, Fenris launched himself at Zeth catching him in a clumsy tackle. The hook pulled from the ceiling in a shower of broken tiles. As Zeth fell backwards he grabbed at the top of the stove.

The entire trailer rattled when they hit the floor. Fenris raised himself above his prisoner, his mouth open, his teeth flashing. Zeth shoved his .45 automatic into the man’s mouth and pulled the trigger.

Gore splattered everywhere. Zeth kicked free of the dying monster thanking the saints of gunpowder and the firing pin that creatures like Fenris were so much more delicate than their Hollywood counterparts. Zeth stood; his hands were still bound but his grip on the pistol was steady. The three women were cowering on the bed.

Zeth shot each one of them in the stomach and before turning to go he said, “Now that is what a mouthful of blood tastes like."

*

Throwing on his coat Zeth ran outside calling Magwier’s name. The pain was starting to dig in now, weakening him but he tried to put it aside. His best friend needed him.

A trailer door flew open, Zeth raised his gun but it was just Lorelei, blundering out in a cloud of smoke. She did a double take at the sight of him, “Are you all right?”

He surveyed the trailer park, “Do you know where Magwier is?”

She crossed her arms, “No.”

“Then come on,” Zeth turned to one of the other trailers. There was a kind of resignation in his voice, “We have a long night ahead of us.”

[Insane News] True Crime Or Fetish Porn?

Woman in Wal-Mart incident faces new charge

...According to Roosevelt Park Police Chief Bill Regan, the women attempted to steal merchandise, including make-up and curtains, from the Henry Street Wal-Mart on Halloween night.


Regan said the women broke away from a security guard who attempted to detain them at the front door. The security guard ran after the women and attempted to block Cole from getting into the passenger’s seat of the car in which she and Stewart were preparing to flee.

Regan said Cole “head-butted” the security guard, who fell backwards into the vehicle. The chief said Cole then sat on the man.

“He grabbed his phone and called 911, but she fought for the phone and then urinated on him,” Regan said...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Four

She tried to shake it like a Polaroid picture but nothing had developed yet...

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Three

It wasn't the first time Zeth was bound and beaten but it happened with a Typo O Negative mix tape playing in the background.

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and Two

For Magwier there was no WHEN, there was no SOON; there was only a never ending chaos of NOW and IF.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

HORROR CRYPT reviews and recommends THE PUZZLE



"... All in all Bloofer Lady really likes this short and thinks you should take five minutes out of your day to watch it.

Davide Melini also has a new short film called The Sweet Hand Of The White Rose. Information about it, among other things can be found at this site: http://www.davidemelini.com/sweethand.html"



And I agree with her, this film is time well spent!

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis chapter forty

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis

Chapter Forty

BY AL BRUNO III


Saturday November 16th 1996



The snowstorm had ended sometime during the midnight dinner. North of the Laurel House there was a stone wall, a long forgotten project of the previous Castellan it was waist high and less than half finished. Jason Magwier had climbed atop it, kicking snow aside he zipped up his leather jacket and spoke a soliloquy to the empty sky;

“Bare handed sculptor
Hands and will set against stone
Unwieldy pen and awkward prose
Speak the feelings the heart has shown”


Further down the wall Zeth watched him with his arms across his chest and a pained expression on his face. Jack had told him that all the guests of the house that passed on were buried here and there on the grounds. He wondered to himself if what Magwier was doing now might be considered desecration.

The dark-eyed dark-haired man swung his arms around theatrically;

“Winds of spring
Close enough to bring joy
A breeze forever out of reach
Of a man too much a boy”


This was just like him, sending Zeth somewhere with poor directions and worse instructions. If he was lucky Magwier would show up before disaster struck. Of course sometimes Magwier brought disaster along with him. Some people might have called him clairvoyant but that was too simple a label, Jason Magwier remembered things that might happen. It made him terrible at chess but great at cards.

He walked along the half-built wall with exaggerated steps, almost losing his balance but never letting that keep him from speaking;


“Living in proximity
Worlds apart further than stars
They glitter like fireflies
Kept in separate jars”


Zeth’s pained looked became one of disbelief, this was why the man kept turning poetry slams into bar fights. When he had first met the man named Jason Magwier he hadn’t even been using that name- he had been calling himself Benjamin Zachary. Not harm in changing your name, it wasn’t like he was really named Zeth after all but Benjamin Zachary hadn’t changed his name out of choice or a whim… he had almost seemed to go mad for a time, wandering the highways and calling himself ‘Noah’ until their paths crossed again and he suddenly decided his name was Jason Magwier.

Maybe that madness was why he was so effective in his crusade against the Monarchs. It was still a one sided battle but somehow Magwier managed to break against a force that could bring down entire cities.

“If you look my way
Will I find the words to speak?
Would I stand humbled as a fool?
As I dream of your kiss on my cheek.”


Magwier jumped from the wall and bowed to the tree line.

“You know…” Zeth said, “…poems don’t have to rhyme anymore.”

He turned and narrowed his eyes, “Philistine.”

The two men laughed and leaned against the wall. Magwier pulled a fresh cigar from his pocket and lit it. “Where did you get that?” Zeth asked.

“Grabbed an extra for myself” He puffed on it “Or two. These really are very good.”

“So what now?”

“I was waiting for you to explicate my poem.”

Zeth glanced to the house, “I don’t think Galen’s going to help us.”

“He will… he might…”

“The torweg is the only leverage he has. Do you think he’s going to give it up?”

“He needs us as much as we need him.” Magwier said.

“I just wish I had my guns, even the .22.”

“I think guile will serve us better in this situation.”

The sun was rising pale and sickly from behind the clouds, it was starting to snow again. Zeth turned to his friend, “Does that mean you know who the traitor is?”

Magwier blew smoke at the snowflakes, “I can’t for the life of me remember.”


End of Book Two

Monday, November 30, 2009

Ok Now I have seen everything...



This is worse than those dogs playing poker!

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred and One

Fuego's conversation about grooming with Amazing Ed became an argument about whether or not excessive nose hair was a superpower.

5 Second Fiction Seven Hundred

She had memorized the names of all the divine messengers perfectly, you could say she was angel retentive.

5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Nine

Their lovemaking was ruined when the smooth jazz station playing on the radio suddenly changed formats to all polkas all the time.

5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Eight

No one wanted anything to do with the Tooth Fairy's sadistic cousin the Finger Leprechaun.

5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Seven

Most ATMs have significant cash memory.

5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Six

Magwier claimed that the secret for remaining incognito was never to order Chinese take out from the same place twice.

Trying out some new font settings for the blog template..

trying to make it easier to read but then again I have pretty bad eyes.

What do you think?

5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Five

Abner held up the vampire's chamberpot and said, "It's a dead man's potty!"

5 Second Fiction Six Hundred and Ninety Four

The only thing that made stake outs bearable for Special Agent Mario Krump was his Ez Bake Oven with car port adapter.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Because I feel like it... here is a rant I wrote about the movie XANADU

...Collateral Darren: “Well she is not what I would call relevant... Xanadu? You have the soundtrack to Xanadu?”

Blobert Smith: “Ah Xanadu. That most Thomas Ligotti-esque of musicals.”

Weasly Crusher: “What? What are you talking about?”

El Disgusto: “NO! Don't get him started.”

Blobert Smith: “Consider the plot if you would dear Weasly. An otherworldly creature comes to Earth in the early 1980’s much as she has once every generation since time began. She schemes and inveigles to draw together a musician whose soul she crushed a in the distant past with an artist of dubious merit. And what does this so-called muse inspire these men to do? To open a roller disco. A roller disco in the twilight of the disco era. And not just any roller disco! Xanadu is the all singing, all dancing, mime infested apotheosis of roller discos. How could these two men not fail utterly? How could they not find themselves destroyed financially and emotionally? Meanwhile our anti-heroine Kira has already retreated back to her realm of neon madness leaving only a dull eyed simulacrum in her place to torment the men further. The horror of it! The soul-rending horror!”

Deviant Boy: “Wow.... Just wow.”

This comes from ONCE MORE WITH FILKING over on my web page (that I am trying to whip into shape when I am not doing the Dad thing, or the work thing or the walking to dog thing, or the taking care of my wife thing, or the downloading Korean Porn thing...)