Saturday, March 27, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand And Fifty One Through One Thousand And One Hundred

5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty One


All she wanted was a man with crazy eyes, a dirty mouth and grab-able ears.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Two


Abner Deggent overheard the girls at the brothel talk about how he kept going and going. He didn't know they meant his bragging.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Three


She awoke to find a vengeful long haired Japanese ghost sucking her nipples- talk about nursing a Grudge.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Four


One his parents named him Christian Diablo he was pretty much guaranteed to become a supervillain.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Five


The met via Facebook, flirted via email and broke up via Twitter.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Six


Abner Deggent crashed in the door with guns blazing but due to a mis-remembered address little Terry's birthday party was ruined.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Seven


While in the future many time travelers are stunned to learn the Vatican made Charlie Sheen the patron saint of bachelor parties.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Eight


When you have a sexual fetish for breakfast cereals it isn't easy to sow your oats.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Fifty Nine


Audra smiled, "Mom said that the first time casting a spell is like the first time doing anything else. You get stains everywhere."


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty


Slim believed most gunfighters were suffering from trauma related to their potty training. When said this aloud he got shot.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty One


He said to his wife, "I can explain everything." Even though the midget prostitute was still hanging from the ceiling fan.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Two


"Commander Infinity prefers to fight crime from 50 feet in the air," Amazing Ed said, "aloof doesn't even begin to describe him."



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Three


The son of Dr. Moreau brought Abner Deggent to the House of Pain- he started screaming as soon as he saw the color scheme



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Four


Karl had a fetish for red hair and he had an ass fetish; sometimes we worried he might develop a fetish for hairy red asses.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Five


For her part of the joy of FACEBOOK was making sure all her exes were still miserable.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Six


One was a meter maid, the other a well dressed sissy- they were FINE and DANDY Detectives At Large!



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Seven


Abner Deggent shot a man in Reno because the guy startled him.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Eight


She was wild in bed but that's night terrors for you.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Sixty Nine


Amazing Ed tried to concoct an escape device out of ordinary household items but only managed to create a macaroni sculpture.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy


No one thought he could do it but Psychotic Kid managed to single- handedly capture the madman stealing gas station restroom keys.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy One


It was his resentment and loathing of young people that led him to become a Guidance Counselor.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy Two


For what must have been the thousandth time she told Randy to stop repeating himself.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy Three


No one saw the harm in Jim's imaginary girlfriend until she had a phantom pregnancy.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy Four


Lorelei hadn't encountered a problem yet that couldn't be solved by a slingshot and a Molotov cocktail.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy Five


The Detonating Man had only one adventure but it left the citizens of River City were cleaning their windows for weeks.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy Six


Some vampires are in terrible pain because they're glucose intolerant.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy Seven


For his theater class final he performed a Shakespearean soliloquy in the nude but no one was impressed with his iambic pentameter.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy Eight


Someday musical instruments will be sentient but will only be sold in pairs because no one wants to be the owner of a lonely harp.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Seventy Nine


All Abner Deggent knew was these guys weren't American and that was a good enough reason to come out shooting.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty


The incident with the bar code machine had been a freak accident but it still left him on the run with a price on his head.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty One


Abner Deggent hid aboard the truck in a box of knives, the ride was rougher than expected and the nearby crate of iodine was leaky.



Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty Two


She didn't know the webcam was on when she wet herself, it was a harsh lesson in streaming video.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty Three


Fuego had left Mexico and the Brotherhood of Luchadores due to long standing questions about his birth certificate.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty Four


For a moment Captain Hero gloried in the sensation of flight, then he wondered where the Hell that catapult came from.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty Five


Like all fans of a long running Sci-Fi franchise he loved everything about it save for the writing, directing and production team.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty Six


The time travelers almost met Catherine The Great, but they couldn't agree over who would get the back half of the horse costume.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty Seven


"She prefers to proofread and make love by candlelight- if you've ever seen her poetry or her boyfriend you'll understand why."



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty Eight


Technically he wasn't breaking the law but security kept a close eye on the man wearing the dildo bandolier.


5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Eighty Nine


The tech support line for time travelers had long hold times but they always knew what your question was before they answered.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety


Rescuing people from burning buildings was easy for Captain Hero, their pets not so much thanks to his allergies



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety One


Save the native girl or escape with the treasure? Abner Deggent didn't hesitate, there were plenty of other girls on the island.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety Two


Amazing Ed realized the scientist's "Power Pills" were just Estrogen tablets when his breasts began to feel more tender than usual.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety Three


It wasn't so much a broad consensus as a consensus of broads.




5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety Four


"The Constables brag about the low murder rate, they don't mention the disappearances. If you mention them you might disappear."



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety Five


It was bad enough Megaton Minotaur broke Fuego's leg but did he have to say "Oh snap!" afterward?



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety Six


Meetings were just another way to stare off into space on company time.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety Seven


The choice was take impotence causing heart pills or die. In his final moments he somehow managed to clear his browser cache.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety Eight


Their quest took them deep under the Earth. Walking close together, they choked on the foul air. No one knew where they had parked.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand and Ninety Nine


"I've never been with a man." she said.

"Well that makes two of us." he answered.



5 Second Fiction One Thousand One Hundred


Her husband was very territorial when it came to the bathroom, either that or he had terrible aim.


5 Second Fiction One Hundred And Fifty Through Two Hundred

5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty One

In space no one can hear you scream so it was inevitable that someday the karaoke Olympics would be held on the moon.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Two

"Foolish monster!" Fuego said, "You may be able to conceal your tiger claws and jaguar teeth but you can't hide your lion eyes!"



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Three

Jeff's first day of lockup might have been better if hadn't pointed out his cellmate's swastika prison tat was backwards.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Four

The starship Persea's crew met with an alien race that used vulgar language as a powersource. Negotiations with them were lively.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Five

No one should have been surprised when Joe Aardvark had killed both his aunts.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Six

The Red Parthenon woke their daemon-children and they in turn drove men to madness. The Apocalypse had been outsourced.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Seven

Amazing Ed became a costumed avenger late in life but the rough and tumble lifestyle helped keep his kidney stones manageable.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Eight

The only thing Audra hated more than the persecution of witches was witches with persecution complexes.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Nine

All the guys visited the massage parlor for their 'Happy Endings', only a brave few opted for the 'Cathartic Finale'.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty

It wasn't that she was a hypochondriac it was just that every illness was one step closer to her last illness.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty One

Most of his adult life was spent collecting cats and memories, as he grew older he had a hard time keeping track of both.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Two

Daisy reeled at the news- her husband to be had run off with the caterer. She sure as Hell put a stop payment on that check.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Three

The police chased his car for almost an hour. He wouldn't stop until he reached the end of the audiobook.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Four

Finally at age 40 Sherrie realized why bad things happened to good people. God was too busy folding laundry.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Five

Time travel led to the discovery of parallel universes- which was a boon to swingers clubs. The term do-over gained new meaning.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Six

Gary had almost talked his way out of the speeding ticket when the patrolwoman realized he was staring at her mustache.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Seven

“It's not that I want the Albany division to perform better,” Bob said, “I just want to be able to do a half-assed job too.”



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Eight

The longer she drove the stranger the landscape became and while the voices on the radio became more familiar.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Nine

Working nights for meager pay in a bad neighborhood sure wasn't Cal's dream come true- but being a DJ in a strip club was.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy

It was his life's dream to become a cagefighter but he started small by getting into shoving matches in gazebos.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy One

They named the kitten 'Nacho' because he was pretty crunchy.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Two

Captain Hero had a hard time fighting Doomsday Girl- her costume was so sheer her could see her apocanips.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Three

Professor Lindquist only became a mad scientist because he had a thing for hunchbacked women.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Four

In a bold move Hollywood studios began to remake movies that were still in post production



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Five

His youth was an endless summer but middle age became a perpetual fall.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Six

By combining time machine technology with her snooze alarm she overslept every day but was never late for work again.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Seven

He'd been through the desert on a horse with no name- it was a rental.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Eight

Alone in the restroom Psychotic Kid fashioned crude armor out of duct tape and feminine napkins. The element of surprise was his.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Nine

“I've got too much on my mind right now.” he said.


Zeth pointed a pistol at his temple, “Then maybe this will clear your head.”



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty

That night at the drive in, he fumbled for her breast only to catch her nipple in his watchband. There was no second feature.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty One

It was a world where the 1970's never ended and Cleopatra Apocalypse was its savior.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Two

Stan wanted to create a cult of followers but an error at the printers ended up encouraging people to worship Satan instead.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Three

Jim found that while being a lobbyist didn't give instant access to coke and whores it did offer a substantial discount.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Four

Zuntar came to Earth to end all strife, 100 years later war broke out over whether he had been left handed or right handed.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Five

No one wants to hear fiendish laughter in the dentists' office.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Six

Future archaeologists would find Disneyland to be a complex tomb filled with deathtraps and shoddy souvenirs.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Seven

Then he realized that for men the childbirth was like warfare- long periods of boredom punctuated by moments of terror.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Eight

He understood that the female contortionist had the hots for him but he still couldn't wrap his head around it.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Nine

Fuego cornered Megaton Minotaur in a china shop. This, he realized, was going to get very ugly very fast.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety

All Gary wanted for his birthday was a lap dance- to his horror Aunt Gladys found out and was more than willing to comply.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety One

Grandpa died as he lived- screaming at Grandma to shut up.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Two

“I don't care what Amazing Ed thinks.” Captain Hero said, “Excessive nose hair is not a super power.”



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Three

Stirring gently he reached across the bed his hand settling on soft warmth. The dog had pooped on the bed again.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Four

Since Sam could sleep through anything, so there was a clear case on his nightstand that read 'IN CASE OF RAPTURE BREAK GLASS'.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Five

As far as Agent Krump was concerned having your gout inflamed by bad takeout food was an injury in the line of duty.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Six

If it was going to be just a standard employee meeting then why was the room soundproofed? And why was there plastic on the walls?



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Seven

A sickly few vampires had pledged to never feed but like all abstinence pledges it only led to frustration and bloodshed.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Eight

The shadows twisted with shapes familiar and unreal, she kept the covers drawn up to her chin praying for dawn.



5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Nine

David stayed close to the girls and they were glad of his company- even more so because he had taken a vow of silence.



5 Second Fiction Two Hundred

The dark bikini offset Erin's pale skin perfectly, but it was still the weirdest open casket funeral anyone had seen.