She couldn't think with Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" piping into the break room for the 989th time. How she hated those fucking stripper songs. For three years, she'd been at it -- this dancing thing -- and while she realized she was almost a cliche, the money kept her happy. Or at least happy enough...
This morning there was an alien in my tea. I was startled to say the least. He looked friendly...
"Ah, hang on just a sec."
Her glass of pinot gris is almost to her lips when he says it. She almost spills a drop when she stops it without taking her first sip...
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and One
The thumbless serial killer and the skull-faced woman had more in common than they thought.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Two
There were songs he liked to make love to and songs he liked to drive to, none were longer than 5 minutes.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Three
"The spark of divinity is not so far removed from the flame of madness and most will never understand the difference."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Four
The thing Captain Hero and his team dreaded the most about alien zombie invasions was the post-crisis cleanup.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Five
Going from villainess to heroine was not easy but Doomsday Girl loved not having to worry about escape routes and master plans.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Six
"That's the problem with sci-fi," Magwier said, "It tells us otherworldly beings will either be kind or cruel- the truth is worse."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seven
Lorelei grinned, "Mother said that heartbreak was the anvil that forged our souls- not the 'Facts of Life' talk I expected."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eight
Psychics revealed that the humidifier was haunted but Gary didn't mind, his sinuses had never felt better
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Nine
The flavor packets included with most brands of instant noodles are in fact mummy dust, the reason this is done is unfathomable.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ten
Discovering that humanity was created as part of a cosmic open mic night did not drive her mad, learning the punchline did.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eleven
All during puberty his family kept the catbox in the bathroom, that's why the sent of kitty litter still gave him an erection
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twelve
Rusty Johnson held the truck full of itching powder over his head knowing that things were going to get real ugly real fast.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirteen
To punish Brian for his strip club addiction he was sentenced to the 'death of a thousand lap dances'. He was pretty OK with that.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fourteen
Many time traveling conspiracy theorists died trying to prove President Taft sank the Titanic to hide his birth certificate.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifteen
Karl entered politics dreaming of having the only presidential library with an extensive collection of cake farting videos.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixteen
Scientists learned to harness the power created by elderly people trying to use their computers and the energy crisis was solved.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventeen
Like all highly trained ninjas Psychotic Kid had to make sure never to pick his nose with his 'finger of death'.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighteen
Trapped on a ship full of creepy children and alien warlords Amazing Ed vowed to survive and sell the movie rights to his story.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Nineteen
Commander Infinity could crush lumps of coal into diamonds, but he wouldn't because it was tantamount to socialism.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty
In the end the Cheerleaders of the Wasteland decided the new girl's perkiness more than made up for her horrifying mutations.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty One
In 2012 the Mayans revealed the whole calendar thing was just a plot to plague the world with bad movies.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Two
Like many paranoids with delusions of godhood she had a natural proclivity for blogging and talk radio.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Three
The Cyclops Brothers Detective Agency always kept an eye out for crime.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Four
It always pained him that he was so scrawny he was always picked last, at least until the day the cannibals attacked.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Five
The manager was short-staffed but his wife loved him anyway.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Six
Captain Eagle of the Space Patrol was captured and brought to the torture planet of Agon-Y.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Seven
There is a social networking site for Colonoscopy Addicts- it isn't exactly called 'Facebook'.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Eight
Chuck's secret for staying thin was what he called 'nature's candy' but what everyone else referred to as 'his own boogers'.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Nine
Lots of employees have sex on the boss's desk but Gary and Melanie should have waited for him to go home first
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty
Schrödinger's Tube allowed you to view videos of things that might have happened.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty One
The challenge of being a serial killer working in tech support was tricking the callers into killing their pets.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Two
'Deathcloud' the ninja had turned his irritable bowel syndrome into a calling card of sorts.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Three
And his final words were, “I was wrong... you don't look fat in those jeans.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Four
When the Local Heroes fought the Carnival of Doom the battles were in tents.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Six
Once he had dreamed women every night, now he only dreamed of donuts, his libido had taken a powder.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Seven
When fossil fuels ran out NASCAR tried to replace cars with lamas but it wasn't the same and the pits stops were disgusting.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Eight
Tara's hopes for Barbados were dashed when the she saw the guests for the Fat Guys In Speedos convention begin to arrive.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Nine
Once again he failed to become an Internet sensation, another tale of heartbreak on the boulevard of broken memes.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty
"Faith can change the world," Jason Magwier explained, "that's the terrifying thing about it."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty One
When he learned that she too had a love of auto-erotic asphyxiation he was almost too choked up to speak.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Two
In his dream Sasha Grey was a guest on the Muppet Show. It brought new meaning to the term Gonzo Performance.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Three
Since the only way to advance in the Council of Mystagogues was either via thesis or assassination- it was publish or perish.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Four
Like most vampires he wove a web of schemes and sycophants, surprisingly iPhone had an app to help him keep track of them all.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Five
“Only good looking rich dudes are sex addicts, the rest of us are just fat guys with too much porn.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Six
Most workplaces banned the use of time machines to keep employees from extending their 15 minute breaks by years.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Seven
Scarlet Squid was a famous big city superhero, but years of watching anime had left Psychotic Kid with no instinct but to attack.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Eight
Once people with cancer sued cigarette companies it was only logical that long time virgins would sue the makers of Star Trek.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Nine
Once Geppetto bought a laptop and router Pinocchio could finally go wireless.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty
Brian had a gym membership and a World of Warcraft account but used both a little too infrequently.
A single dust covered jar sat in a corner of the attic. Scrawled on it in dried blood were two words - Skreem Jar.
Nathan hobbled to the corner; he set down his cane and reached out an arthritic hand to grasp the object. When he touched the dusty glass, that familiar feeling - like a staccato beat - began to course through his decaying old body...
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty One
“Now I will teach you the meaning of the word fear.” he said as slowly paged through the dictionary.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Two
Many in Space Patrol feared the aliens that burst from your chest but Captain Eagle had seen the ones that burst from your urethra.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Three
CGI dinosaurs and robots battled on the screen until finally someone shouted “What is the fucking plot of this thing?”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Four
Brad's parents sent him to a private school in hopes of keeping him virtuous, they didn't know about his schoolgirl outfit fetish.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Five
After the first bear attack Jim thought he was just unlucky, by the third he realized he must be delicious.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Six
He wasn't the first mad scientist to invent a shrinking ray, he was to create one that specifically targeted NFL players' junk.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Seven
“I am glad Doomsday Girl and Captain Hero are in love,” Fuego said, “But these pet names they call each other must be stopped.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Eight
They found him on the roadside reeking of industrial bug spray and douche. He described his day as a 'misadventure'.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Nine
He came home to furniture covered with dog hair, which was odd because he owned a goldfish.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty
Like all great adventures Matt and Brian's cross country trip began with a need for adventure and a desire to escape creditors.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty One
For the first few hours of the road trip they listened to a book on CD, only to realize it had been on shuffle play.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Two
They took turns, one would drive while the other updated Facebook; every few hours they switched.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Three
For their cross country trip they set a leisurely place, stopping out of the way places, then they gave up and bought a map.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Four
They might have been able to pay for car repairs if they hadn’t come across that strip club with a buffet and an ATM machine.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Five
Stranded in a strange town they earned cash to pay for car repairs with manual labor and the occasional bit of street theater.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Six
Once Matt and Brian got thrown out of three Waffle Houses in three days they made it part of their daily itinerary.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Seven
It was in North Carolina that they found themselves embroiled in a feud between beekeepers and fainting goat enthusiasts.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Eight
They say whatever happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas, Brian and Matt hoped that applied to warrants for public indecency.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Nine
The stink of feet and flatulence moved through the car like a living thing. The pine scented air freshener only made it angry.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy
They reached Los Angeles, almost immediately their car was stolen as they blundered about blinded by the smoke from wildfires.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy One
She lived fastidiously, she loved cautiously and died regretfully.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Two
"Why did you play me that way?" the ghost of Hamlet wailed as the actor cringed in horror.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Three
He was a private eye and lived on a diet of booze, coffee and smokes; doctors said that was why he died of massive organ failure.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Four
The cast of the 'MEGABOOBS' reunited for a 20th anniversary production but sales and, other things, were pretty low.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Five
He's the one they call Dr. Peelgood He's the one that makes yer sunburn all right...
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Six
Every year she promised him a birthday lapdance but they were both running out of birthdays and laps.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Seven
Mark was told split beaver pictures would increase traffic to his blog but he declined because he was no outdoorsman.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Eight
"Ice cream is like sex, sometimes you want it hard, some times you want it soft but if you go too fast it's a real headache."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Nine
IThe Reddeath preferred to kill all witnesses, not because he had to but just to keep in practice.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty
It spoke volumes that no one in marketing realized naming a new kids drink 'Donkey Punch' was a bad idea.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty One
The evil ninjas threw Fuego head first into a jukebox, a song started to play and ironically enough everybody was kung fu fighting.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Two
Some said Ted was a sick for what he did to that Shetland pony, other folks just thought he was just feeling a little horse.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Three
Of all the Mad Gods that tore at the edges of reality and madness, Buttercup got the least respect.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Four
“Haunting is passe' so the world's ghosts while away eternity by having orgies. You're probably sitting in the middle of one now.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Five
He had refused the extended warranty and now there was no way for Chaz to make his pleasuredroid stop pointing and laughing.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Six
The line for Judgment Day will be arranged like the lines at Disneyland but most won't know which ride they’re on until its too late.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Seven
Technological advances and societal setbacks kept perfect pace until humanity was reduced to Neanderthals with BlackBerrys.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Eight
While the oncologists were used to dealing with aggressive cancers they were not used to dealing with passive-aggressive ones.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Nine
Most superheroes stay in on Halloween night if not they ended up getting into fights with drunk strangers or going home with candy.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety
“If there is one thing people universally hate its dreams,” Magwier said, “other peoples' dreams that is.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety One
It is a rare wargaming tournament that divides its players into shirts and skins, maybe that's just as well.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Two
Psychotic Kid justified his actions by insisting that he was “Defending freedom.”, the owners of the petting zoo still sued.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Three
“Witchcraft,” Audra observed, “is like sex. Fully workable alone but much more effective in groups.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Four
He had the looks of an Adonis, the mind of an Einstein and sadly the voice of a Muppet.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Five
A girl started working in the IT department but none of the guys there ever got past her firewall.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Six
Doomsday Girl wouldn't have beaten the Obnoxiator quite so hard if he hadn't kept trying to put dollar bills in her costume.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Six
Karl spent weeks trying to find a porn film that synched up with DARK SIDE OF THE MOON.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Seven
First the political commentators started weeping on air, then the weathermen started speaking on tongues.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Eight
Bob found that with the proper combination of vitamins and bran he was unable to leave the bathroom for hours.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Nine
It went without saying that Charles Goatse was open to all possibilites.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred
Doomsday Girl and Captain Hero laughed till they cried remembering all the good times they had shared. Then she died in his arms.
