Saturday, March 19, 2011

(Recommended Reads) 'Real Fake Woman' by Peggy McFarland

Diane smashed the portrait she'd painted of Tim and herself against her knee. She pulled drawers, swept the night stand, got rid of every memento and gift that reminded her of him. The anger still boiled. I'm just not attracted to you anymore.

She yanked clothes he bought for her from her closet, ripped each into rags. No loss on those; he still bought her clothes from two sizes ago. For when you get back to yourself, he'd said. She slid the wedding gown from the back, but stopped herself in the nick of time. Mom's wedding gown. Diane's first fitting was supposed to be Saturday. I'm just not attracted to you anymore...

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Will looking up Amy Pond's skirt destroy the universe? Would you risk it anyway?

Is it just me or is Matt Smith a mind-bogglingly fantastic Doctor?

 

 

And is it just me or is DOCTOR WHO the best TV show ever?

 

 

Well of course it is!

 

Friday, March 18, 2011

TV's New Wonder Woman has a costume eerily similar to what I'm wearing as I make this blog post!

 

To quote TOPLESS ROBOT;

"...I dig the hell out of this costume. Pants! No inexplicable stars on her groin! And it's still totally recognizable as Wonder Woman! The top is a little corset-y, but certainly no more so than the Lynda Carter version in the '70s TV show. And yeah, the blue boots are weird, but I'll take it in return for the pants. Frankly, I still think the show will suck, but I'm 100% for this costume...."

Thursday, March 17, 2011

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty Seven

The performance of 'Harry Potter Live' in MacArthur Park was cancled due to bad weather, but someone left a Snape out in the rain.

GEEKS OF DOOM made me laugh my considerable ass off!

 

Kevin David Anderson, author of Night Of The Living Trekkies, sent us a fun greeting for St. Patrick’s Day which mashes up the evil Leprechaun from the Leprechaun horror movies, with Star Trek‘s beloved Captain James T. Kirk in “Leprekhhhaaaaaan!!!”

 

click here to read the rest at GEEKS OF DOOM

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty Six

Captain Hero didn't like teaming up with Sanchez the crimefighting sailor, he had a dirty reputation.

The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions): Linger


The Nick of Time (and other abrasions)
Linger
by
Al Bruno III
Amplifiers squawked to life, the feedback underscored the deep voice of Vincent Padre, “Each of us has been drawn here by a greater power. Let us submit ourselves to that divine wisdom.”
Padre had gathered his flock of Apocalypse-hungry followers to the remains of a burnt out mansion on Kliftin Hill. This was a direct defiance of the laws of the city of Olathoe. Audra DiMico climbed in through the gaping, scorched remains of a first floor window and wondered how long it would be before the Constables found this little hideout.
She found herself in what had once been an opulent lavatory but time and fire damage had left it looking no better than the cruddiest of gas station restrooms. The cracked mirror reflected the streetlights’ illumination and cast strange shapes on the walls. Audra eyed her reflection for a moment, just a teenage girl with tangled black hair and overdone makeup dressed in a plaid man’s shirt, dark slacks and old sneakers. She didn’t think she was as pretty as either of her dorm-mates but there were plenty of boys that disagreed.
I tell you now that I have had a vision. A holy vision of burning skies and cities made of song.” Padre paused so his followers could get a chorus of hallelujahs out of their system.
Audra moved on, it didn’t do for a girl like her to think about love and besides she had a mission. Her dorm-mate Lorelei Miller had called in a favor, and that meant she was in trouble again.
Creeping towards the basement door Audra thought to herself that Lorelei was always in trouble, she seemed drawn to it like other girls were drawn to fancy shoes.
The speakers hanging on the walls of the makeshift chapel Vincent Padre had built on the upper floor went silent and then suddenly hissed to life again, “...The fires of Damocles will sweep aside the old world, the old faiths. But the heretics will not die, oh no. They will be drawn down to the Great Below and they will live as worms. They will linger.”
Audra paused to whisper an incantation and then made her way down the basement stairs. Not a single board squealed under her feet, the old burglars' spell had seen to that. She had a few other spells on hand as well, spells that could call down well-meaning monsters for defense and escape but at a cost. A cost Audra knew all too well. Better to get this done without being seen.
Halfway down to the basement the air became humid and stinking, it smelled like one of the outhouses at her Uncle’s farm.
She thought of cracked sewer mains and backed up septic tank and cursed herself for wearing her good sneakers. She told herself to breathe through her mouth, to forget her nose was even there.
The basement was dark save for the dull glow of the Xenon Splinter. It was lying on a table, a length of crystal, sharp on one end and rounded on the other. It glowed weakly making Audra think of fairy lights and Christmas pranks.
Audra stepped off the lowest step and felt the basement floor squelch under her feet. She wished she had worn socks.
“We will be reborn in smoke and billow towards heaven!”
Drawing close she marveled at the object on the table. The Xenon Splinter! The stuff of legends and bad poetry. It was in the care of Lorelei's boyfriend Jason Magwier but he was forever losing it. That only further reinforced Audra’s suspicion he was a dangerous loon. Still though, he and Lorelei were waiting for her in a safehouse on Route d'Abbaye. Best not to keep them waiting.
When Audra put her hand on the length of red crystal it began to glow more brightly illuminating the room and confirming she was standing in a layer of shit two inches deep. Her stomach heaved and she threw up on her sneakers. So much for them. By the time she got her retching under control she realized she was hearing a thick slithering sound.
And whining groans.
The Xenon Splinter brightened again revealing the shapes making their way to her from the four corners of the basement. Audra screamed.
The shapes had been human once. They crawled. They were naked but the coating of filth, both dry and wet, had rendered them sexless and almost featureless. But still Audra could see enough, she could see the gouged faces, empty eye sockets, toothless mouths, the rotted holes where noses should have been. Their hands and feet had been hacked away as well. Each wound had been brutally cauterized. Audra thought of Vincent Padre's words
“...the unfaithful will not die, oh no. They well be drawn down to the Great Below and they will live as worms.”
The miserable creatures drew closer, drawn by the sound of her screams. What did they want from her? Mercy? Revenge? Audra didn't know, all she knew was that if one touched her she would go mad. She backpedaled to the stairs but Padre was waiting for her. He was nauseatingly handsome.
One of his acolytes peered out from behind him, “How did she get in here?”
Padre smiled knowingly, “She came in through the bathroom window. Didn’t you girl?”
“What happened to these people?” Audra asked, “What did you do to them?”
“Do they disgust you?” he plucked the Xenon Splinter from her hands, “I hope not for you will be joining them. Oh how you shall linger.”
With that her courage broke, she spoke the most difficult of the burglar's spells without even thinking about the consequences. One of the things that dwelt in the Spaces Between heard her plea and plucked her out of angled space. The dweller was not quite and an angel and not quite a nightmare but Audra knew not the be afraid. She knew where the real monsters were.

(Insane News) Things are getting really nuts.

article found on FARK.com

 

Tuesday March 15, 2011

BENNINGTON -- An East Street man said he was minding his own business and shoveling snow away from the side of his house when he was attacked.

"All of a sudden I felt something on my back and shoulders, scratching," said Kevin McDonald, of 15 East St.

It was a gray squirrel, said McDonald. He threw the animal off, but twice it jumped back onto his arms, delivering more scratches. Finally, it ran up a tree and McDonald retreated to his house.

"The first thing that goes through your mind is ‘is it rabid?’" he said. After doing some research into the matter on the Internet, McDonald said he learned bites are the real concern with rabies infection, and squirrel attacks are quite rare.

Which is why he was surprised the next day, when his wife reported hearing yelling from across the street. He said he looked to see his neighbor with a blanket and a metal pole battling a gray squirrel not unlike the one that attacked him the day before. Later, he would learn that a woman on the same street had also been attacked.

While the incident is on the amusing side of the spectrum for him, McDonald said it was a bit eerie to have the squirrel not only jump him, but jump back onto him after being thrown off.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty Five

 It wasn't until she saw her husband in his donkey costume that she realized the dangers of marrying a man with an ass fetish.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty Four

No one liked to talk about Mack the Knife's idiot brother Ted the Spoon.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty Three

The only drawback to the new computerized footwear was the constant rebooting.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty Two

You're so vain, I bet you think this tweet is about you.

The new super heroine BUSTICE is well... uhm... my pants feel tight...

(Insane News) Bank Robber Gives Two Forms Of ID

Story via FARK.com

DALLAS - A hapless bank robber who abided by a Dallas teller's request to provide two forms of identification before she could give him money is going to prison.

A judge sentenced 49-year-old Nathan Wayne Pugh of Sachse to more than eight years on Tuesday.

Pugh tried to hold up a Dallas Wells Fargo Bank in July. The teller stalled Pugh by telling him she needed to see two forms of ID. Pugh showed her his Wells Fargo debit card and a state ID card. He was captured as he tried to flee with $800...

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The trailer for INVASION OF THE ALIEN BIKINI - Can one man's awesome mustache save the world?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oh and before I forget- "Dear Glenn Beck- FUCK YOU!"

I am sure you may have already heard that Glenn Beck had some things to say about the Japanese earthquake.

 

Here is what Max Read at GAWKER reporting on it.

People around the world have been struggling to comprehend the tragedy that hit Japan on Friday. Even Fox News personality Glenn Beck! "I'm not saying God is... causing earthquakes," he told his Monday radio listeners. "I'm not not saying that either."

 

It only went downhill from there. "Whether you call it Gaia or whether you call it Jesus," he continued later, apparently drawing an equivalency between the earth mother of Greek mythology and the Christian son of God, "there's a message being sent." The message from Gaia/Jesus, he elaborated, is "Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it."

And what, exactly, is this "stuff" we've been "doing" that's led the Prince of Peace and the mythological earth mother to team up and kill thousands of people in Japan? Beck doesn't quite elaborate, except to say that "I've got stuff on Hezbollah. Oh, I have stuff on radical Islam in America that'll make your eyes fall out." But this is not really what Beck is concerned with. He has the "answer," he says. And the "answer" is: "Buckle up. Buckle up, 'cause it's going to be a bumpy ride."...

 
What a douchebag. If he were anymore of a psychotic prick I would suspect him of being one of my former D&D players...
 
 

CHAD'S ORACLES chapter six


IN THIS TWILIGHT

Chad’s Oracles


Chapter Six


By AL BRUNO III



Thelma continued to keep her silence about Chad and his Oracles. When the ambulance had arrived for Samantha, she had kept the details to a minimum. When the police pressed her for more she had only said that she heard a noise at the abandoned gas station and gone to investigate. Even now at Samantha’s wake she kept quiet.


That resolve had almost broken when Samantha’s mother had hugged Thelma and told her how glad she was that her daughter’s best friend had been there at the end. “If only she could have been more like you.” She had said. “You’re such a good girl.”


When the hug had ended, Thelma hadn’t been surprised to find the woman’s tears on her sleeve. Excusing herself Thelma had made her way to the front entrance of the funeral parlor. There was a fish tank there and she watched the exotic salt water specimens dart to and fro. She remembered the last warning from Chad’s oracles. “…you’re going to be in the hospital.”


In the hospital… That could mean anything and Thelma found her thoughts going from one morbid possibility to another. What did they have in mind for her? Was it something that would make her envy Samantha’s smashed skull and gouged eye?


It was more then the threat of bodily harm that was keeping her quiet however. There were secrets to be learned here, secrets more valuable than just the truth of what had happened to her friend. Secrets that she knew could change her life forever.


“Hey.” Peanut walked up beside her, he looked smart in his pale gray suit.


Thelma gave him a little smile, “Hey. You holding up?”


“I was going to ask you that,” his voice was already soft but he dropped it to a whisper. “You’re the one that found her.”


“I just wish I’d found her sooner you know?” By the time the ambulance had arrived Samantha was dead. The EMT’s had done very little to revive her, saying later that a head injury like the one she had suffered would have killed her instantly. Thelma was happy to keep their last conversation to herself, at least until she had made sense of it.


“I wonder if that Chad guy…”


Thelma shook her head, “I don’t know.”


They had called it ‘Death by misadventure.’ Thelma was sure Samantha would have loved that.


Peanut asked, “Did you tell the police about him?”


“What’s to tell?”


“I just wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.”


“Oh I’m fine,” her reassuring smile faltered when she saw how hard he was staring at her. “What’s wrong?”


“I love you.” He said.


“Oh Peanut…”


“Steven, my name is Steven. I’m tired of that nickname. It’s not who I’m supposed to be.”


“Uh, Steven? You’re upset.,” Thelma felt like blushing on his behalf.


“Winston? That Chad guy? All those others? They don’t give a shit about you. Not really.”


“This… this isn’t the time.”


“There is a never a right time when you’re someone like me but you have to know how I feel. I’ll go crazy if you don’t.”


“Well…” Thelma looked back to the viewing room, to the ornate white and gold casket. The lid was closed and a blown up picture of Samantha from 1981’s yearbook was on an easel beside it. “I’m very flattered Pea- I mean Steven.”


“You don’t have to do anything about this yet,” he said, “just promise me we can go out when all this blows over. If you just go out with me you’ll see how I feel.”


“This is a little sudden.”


“I know. I know. We are supposed to be here for Samantha but she’d been telling me to say something to you for the longest time.”


“She did? She was?” That was a surprise; Thelma had always assumed Samantha was keeping Peanut/Steven in reserve for herself.


“Yeah. We talked about you a lot. I was worried Winston was going to ruin you.”


“Ruin?” Thelma said. Ruin? I’m a girl not an egg salad.


“Samantha said you were scared of having a real boyfriend. She said every kiss is practice…”


“…until the right kisser comes along.” Thelma finished for him.


That was Samantha’s second favorite bit of canned wisdom, and it was kind of sweet and profound in a way. Then again Samantha’s favorite saying had always been, “It’s not the face you fuck, it’s the fuck you face.”


“What else did she have to say about me?”


“Nothing. Just good stuff. You were like the only girl on Earth she liked,” he took her hand, “we should go out for her if nothing else. Give it a chance and see what happens.”


“Look I can’t think about this right now.”


“I know. I know,” he said, “but could I have your number, could we at least start with that?”


“Oh look. There’s my Dad.”



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Sunday, March 13, 2011

GEEKOLOGIE brings important and terrible news!

THE PRINCESS AND THE GIANT is just clowning around.

(Recommended Hotness) Fay Daniels is having a bad week... but she is SO kyooot!

Ok which trailer rocks harder? CONAN THE BARBARIAN or RONAL THE BARBARIAN?

THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERHERO GIRL ends on a cliffhanger!

THE DRUNKEN SEVERED HEAD helps you to help Japan

 

To help Japan

 
 
 
Here are some highly rated charities working on disaster relief in Japan:

AmeriCares
 (through Charity Navigator)

Red Cross (through Network for Good)

The Salvation Army
 (You can donate directly at the link, or text 'JAPAN' or 'QUAKE' to 80888 to make a $10 donation.)

DAY OF THE WOMAN talks about the Slender Man. (Who is not real but may be standing right behind you now!)

Enter: Slender Man. The Slender Man is a fake mythical creature completely created on the forums of SomethingAwful which has since grown to be a psuedo-meme and invaded more than it's original forum. He's become the target of numerous deviantART pages, youtube channels, and fanfictions. The brain child of Victor Surge, The Slender Man is usually shown as a tall and thin silhouette, wearing black pants, a black suit with a white shirt, and a black necktie underneath. He's normally depicted without a face and has the ability to stretch and shorten his arms as well as sport some crazy tentacle type things. Think if "The Tall Man" from Phantasm and Doc Ock from Spiderman had a baby...

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HORROR'S NOT DEAD gives us a review of the wonderful BRAIN DAMAGE

 

Brian is a terribly average guy. He lives in a passable New York City apartment with his brother and spends most of his free time with his loving girlfriend. Unfortunately for Brian, the neighbors in the apartment above him are neither average nor are they passable human beings. For years, they have been harboring an ancient parasitic brain worm named Aylmer who injects a highly potent narcotic directly into the cerebral cortex of those who in turn offer him delicious brains as tithes. Aylmer derives his strength from human brains but the neighbors have been feeding him animal brains to keep him weak enough to control but strong enough to get their fix from his venom. Unfortunately, for everyone, Aylmer escapes and finds his way onto the brain stem of poor Brian who instantly gets addicted to the venom. Will his craving drive him to commit murder to satisfy Aylmer’s hunger for human flesh?...

 

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Drew Daywalt reminds me to call my Mom!

No comments:

Foreplay On The Edge Of Forever part one

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Six

Foreplay On The Edge Of Forever

part one



(This is a true story, yes I changed the names but all the really embarrassing stuff happened. That kind of stuff always happens to me.)


In the end there are really only four women that I truly loved.


The One I Loved First.


The One That Was Almost Forever.


The One I Never Told.


The One That Was There All Along.


While (Spoiler Alert!) Tallulah was merely The One That Was Almost Forever I will remember our year together long after forever is over. When I kissed Lilly those kisses were the kisses of a boy, shy, tentative and playful. With Tallulah it was different, the kisses we shared were confident, passionate and we used our tongues.


One date became several, friendly greetings became embraces. We weren’t even twenty yet and we were both still living with our parents but damn if the bond that was growing between us didn’t feel like the kind of actual grown up love we’d been shown in the movies and TV.


School and work had seemed to fade in to the background. The moments we weren’t together were just empty pauses. When you're in the throes of a new relationship you become strangers to everyone else in your life, nothing else matters. If your loved ones see you at all those sightings are fleeting and Sasquatch-like.


My love life was a topic of conversation in every corner of my life; my friends wanted to check her out so they could compare her with what they had, her family wanted to look me over and see if I was up to snuff with what they wanted for their daughter and my family just wanted to make sure that Tallulah actually existed.


*


I parked my car in the crowded driveway of my house. It was a bleak looking two story affair bordered on the left side by a used car lot and on the right side was a halfway house for ex-felons. I still find it interesting that the rate of recidivism for tenants of that dwelling was lower than anywhere else in Albany. I like to think that perhaps living next door to my family made those former inmates eager to become productive members of society.


“Well,” I said. “Here we go.”


Tallulah was leaning on my shoulder, “It's your family. I should be the one worried.”


“You don't know them, they can get very... Grand Guignol.”


“I'm not sure I understand.”


“Well you see, the Grand Guignol was a theater in France that spawned-”


She issued a grunt of playful exasperation and bit me on the shoulder, “I know what it means. I just never heard anyone describe their family like that.”


“Trust me,” I said as we got out of the car. “They're one chainsaw short of a massacre.”


At the sound of Tallulah's car door slamming shut the 12 Shitzus my mother still had left from her dog breeding days went berserk, filling the air with high pitched barks and little growls. The cries of my family trying to shut them up followed a moment later but that only drove the dogs into a greater frenzy. If only there had been some way to harness the power of this cycle we might all have flying cars by now.


My brother Phil greeted us at the door, he was wearing shorts and a leer, “You two took your time. What ya doin’ there Al? Slipping her the hot pork injection in the driveway?”


I tried to speak but all I could do was sputter with humiliation and rage.


“Hot beef,” Tallulah said.


My brother and I both said, “What?”


“The term is ‘hot beef injection’” she corrected Phil again, “and I’m Tallulah. May we come in?”


She pushed past him and I followed. I could hear him grumbling to himself, “I coulda’ swore it was pork.”


You might think with all the dogs my house might have smelled of dogs and pee but I think you would have been pleasantly surprised to find your nostrils deadened by the odor of cigarette smoke before you could catch a whiff of anything else.


“Tallulah this is my stepfather Big Phil,” I gestured to the slender man sitting at the kitchen table wearing a t-shirt revealing his allegiance to the United Association of Plumbers and Pipe-fitters.


“Nice to finally meet you,” he got to his feet. “I can see why Albert wanted to keep you to himself. You look just like Ann Margaret.”


“Well I am glad to be here, he’s said such nice things about all of you.”


“Really?”


“Oh look!” I took Tallulah by the hand, “Here’s my Mom.”


My mother turned away from the stove and gave my best girl a hug, “Is this the girl that’s got my son walking on air?”


“You’re too nice,” Tallulah said. “Makes me wonder what he did with himself before I came along…”


My mother ended that moment of uncomfortable silence that followed that statement by suggesting we have a seat at the table. My brother and stepfather were already there, talking animatedly about carburetors. I seated Tallulah on the opposite side of the table from them and sat to her left. A quick count of the place settings made me realize, “Is Greta going to be having diner with us?”


“Yeah,” my Stepfather said. “We just sent her down to the store to get some more cheese.”


“So,” my brother grabbed fork from a place setting at random, scratched himself vigorously with it and then put it back. “What are you doing dating my brother?”


“I…” Tallulah took a moment to gather her thoughts before trying to answer. “I almost don’t know, he isn’t the kind of guy I’m usually interested in but there’s just something about him. There’s more to him than meets the eye.”


“Awwwww,” my Mom said.


“Yeah, more than meets the eye,” I grinned and pulled my best girl closer to me. “Just like the Transformers.”


That was my stepfather’s cue to go “Awwwwwwww.” But the inflection was totally different.


My Grandmother and Great Grandmother arrived next, they made polite conversation with Tallulah; both of them commented on how much she reminded them of Gene Tierney.


“It’s so zajebiste to see you with a girl,” my Great Grandmother said. “No more wasting time with those Dungeons and Dragons games.”


My Grandmother nodded, “Thank God for that.”


“What’s Dungeons and Dragons?” Tallulah asked me.


I promised to explain later but of course I’m sure a most of you out there know what a game of Dungeons and Dragons is. Let’s face it when it comes to role playing games you either know the stereotype or you are the stereotype.


There was a much larger stigma attached to the game back in the late 80’s, it was seen as an obsession for socially inept and emotionally unstable man-children. Now of course role playing has a much more egalitarian image and role playing is seen as obsession for the socially inept and emotionally unstable players of all ages.


You might not be surprised to learn that I had sold or set aside most of my Dungeons and Dragons stuff by this point. By the third date with Tallulah I was pretty much certain I would never hold another twenty sided dice in my hand again.


“Hey Al,” my sister joined us at the table. “How have you been?”


“Good, this is Tallulah. How have you been sis?”


“Getting better.”


“You know you and I need to just take a few hours and catch up.”


Greta nodded, “That would be great.”


My brother Phil belched loudly, since we hadn’t started eating yet it was something of a pre-emptive strike.


My Great Grandmother bristled, “You show some manners matkojebca! Company’s here.”


“Oh he’s not doing anything wrong,” my mother started serving ham and cabbage to us. “He just doesn’t put on airs that’s all.”


My mother favored Phil with a loving glance, it seemed to me that the more feral a state he devolved into the more she loved him.


“Al tells me you’re a dog breeder,” Tallulah said.


“I don’t think I’m going to do it anymore honey,” once everyone’s plate was overflowing with food my mother sat down to her own modest portions. “It’s so much work and it seems like I always end up having Albert’s brother drown one or two of the runts.”


Tallulah’s horrified gasp and Phil’s playful gurgle were almost simultaneous.


“I think you two make a cute couple,” my Grandmother said.


“Oh yes,” my Great Grandmother said then a worried glance crossed her features. “You’re not a Protestant are you girl?”


Tallulah said, “Uhm... no. I'm Catholic the same as all you.”


“Praise Mary!”


“I'm sorry but why would that matter?”


My Great Grandmother's face paled with fury, “Why? Because in 1939 I had to flee from the Protestant tanks to this country.”


“Protestants?”


“Grannie...” my sister said as gently as she could, “The Nazi's invaded in 1939 but you came to American in 1938 remember? It was because your parents wouldn't let you go out dancing.”


“Don't you tell me what happened!” my Great Grandmother shouted. “Just because you're a little kurwa doesn't mean I was!”


With that my sister stormed back into her room. My brother wasted no time scooping the food from her plate onto his own. Tallulah leaned in close to me and whispered, “What's 'kurwa' mean?”


Just like the date and the first kiss, the first lie in any relationship is a special and unique thing. This lie was no different. “I think it means 'spunky lass'”



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