Saturday, August 28, 2010

TALES FROM THE ODDSIDE: The Ocean Doesn't Want Me (Read By the Author)

TALES FROM THE ODDSIDE
The Ocean Doesn't Want Me
by
Al Bruno III
(Read by The Author)



Roadside Velvet part three

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Four

Roadside Velvet

part three




Work went well, we continued to sell pictures by the roadside and avoid arrest. Athena and I had hit it off pretty well, we had a lot of laughs but sadly they were the platonic kind not the naked kind. I had asked her out several times but she had always politely demurred, explaining to me that this summer all she wanted was a break from the dating scene.


It was during one of those rainy days off that I spent an afternoon with my father and I finally asked him for some advice.



*



At this stage of his life my Dad was living in a three room bottom floor apartment with his latest in a series of hot girlfriends. I just didn’t know how he did it. Was it his confidence? Was it that he was a musician? Or was it that in reality he was a cyborg sent from the future to nail as many babes as possible?


I didn’t know the answer to those questions and I pretty much didn’t care. The only thing I really wanted to know was why it had apparently skipped a generation.


His girlfriend was in the kitchen making us something suitably Italian to eat. Dad and I were sitting on his couch, I had rented a video and he was trying to weasel out of watching it. I remained steadfast; I still believe everyone should watch The Toxic Avenger at least once in their lives. In 90 minutes it takes you on a journey inside yourself.


Finally the subject changed, “Dad there’s this girl…”


“Oh thank God,” he sagged back against the couch with relief.


“What is that supposed to mean?”


“Son, let’s just say I was starting to worry that you liked musicals a little too much.”


I was appalled, “I do not like musicals.”


“Fine then,” my old man said.


“I mean sure there’s Xanadu.”


“Consider the matter dropped.”


“Oh and there’s Sweeney Todd. Although I don’t think much of the current touring cast.”


“What was this about a girl?”


I smiled to myself, “And Chicago, who can’t like that one?”


“Albert!”


“Oh sorry,” I said. “You see there’s this girl and I think she likes me but I can’t seem to get her to go out with me.”


My Dad nodded with understanding, “I know right off the bat what you’re doing wrong. You’re acting like you like her.”


“Huh?”


“Son,” he began, “the only way to get a girl to like you is to act like you could care less about her.”


“Then why would she go out with you? I mean me?”


“Because women want what they can’t have. So if you act like she can’t have you then she’s all yours.”


“And when do I tell her I like her?”


“Never! The minute you tell her you like her, or God forbid love her, she gets the power in the relationship and women hate that. They can’t respect you if you do that.”


“I don’t understand.”


He shook his head in frustration, “Watch.”


Suddenly his voice became a booming shout, “Tracy how the Hell long are we going to have to wait to eat?”


Tracy looked in from the kitchen, her hair was pinned up in a bun, her eyes were glittering, her nipples were starting to push against the flimsy fabric of her shirt- not that I was looking, “Any second now honey.”


“Just hurry it up.” he gave me a wink as he said it.


She grinned at him as she retreated into the kitchen.


I was appalled. This wasn’t the stuff of fairytales and romantic comedies, “But… But… I don’t want to play games.”


“You could have fooled me with all the money you spend on Dungeons & Dragons.”


“Dad… can’t you understand how awful all this sounds?”


My old man frowned, “The only reason that you act this way is because your mother raised you wrong. She made you too sensitive. She didn’t teach you how to act like a man.”


And this was true, my only male role models had been Batman, Doctor Who and Popeye. Kind of sad I know but I yam what I yam. Would one of you punks like a jelly baby?


“Then why didn’t you raise me? You could have gotten custody after the divorce.”


“You know better than that,” he said, “I couldn’t raise a kid with all the hours I work and travel. Do you think those Mary Kay products would have sold themselves?”


“You’ve always had a girlfriend or a wife around. They could have kept an eye on me.”


“If I did that then either they’d ruin you or you’d ruin them. The last thing I needed was you getting their biological clocks ticking or worse yet you getting a crush on one of them.”


I was appalled he would say such a thing, “I would never-”


“Really now?” my Dad said with a smirk, “You’ve spent half the night trying to read the front of Tracy’s t-shirt.”


“Well the lighting in here is bad.”


“There’s nothing written on her t-shirt.”


“I can read brail.”

ALBERT!”


I shrank back in my seat, “Sorry Dad.”



*


So what had I learned that night? That the only way to get the girl you wanted was to act like you didn’t want her. The idea was like a cross between the teaching of the Zen masters and the collected wisdom of Andrew Dice Clay.


Thing was I had heard this before. The ladies of the Julia shop had warned me time and time again I could only win Lilly’s heart by being a jerk. When I considered the parade of douchebags I had fought my way through just to get past first base with my high school sweetheart it almost made sense.


A lousy kind of sense.


And do you know what else I learned? Only to stare at my Dad’s girlfriend’s Gazongas when he wasn’t in the room.




Click Here To Continue

(Insane News) "Man severs privates at airport to avoid extradition"

 

A KAZAKH man cut off his penis at Madrid's Barajas airport to avoid being extradited home and was taken to hospital in a serious condition, Spanish media reported today.

The 52-year-old man had finished serving a five-year prison sentence in Spain for a violent crime and was due to be extradited back to Kazakhstan overnight Monday.

Despite being escorted by several police officers, the man was able to slip a knife out of his clothing and sever his penis...




click here to read the rest

Here I am watching MST3k at an ungodly hour of the morning

And now you are too!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

CORPSE WARS: The Fandom Menaced episode three

Corpse Wars by Jorge Prieto





Corpse Wars:

The Fandom Menaced

episode three

By

Al Bruno III






...suddenly the body reared up. It clawed at Alec, grabbing hold of his hat and shirt. Its mouth lolled open in anticipation, drooling cold rivulets of blood and spittle. Mark pulled Alec clear, leaving the zombie holding the older man’s baseball cap and nothing more.


They stared disbelievingly at the dead man as it tried to lunge at them. The seatbelt held it in place.


Mark shook his head, “I don’t want to say I told you so…”


“He’s… he’s got my hat!”


“He almost got you.”


“I’ve had that hat since 1980!” Alec shouted to no one in particular.


The zombie tried to lunge for them a few more times, Mark wondered if that was frustration he saw on its face.


Can zombies get frustrated? Mark wondered.


Then the dead man gave up and turned its attention to other things.


“Oh, now he’s eating it!” There were tears in Alec’s eyes, “I lost my virginity wearing that hat.”


Mark shook his head, “We don’t have time for the Booth Babe story again, let’s just get out of here.”


“No.” Alec said, “Now I’m determined. I’m going to go in the house here and see if we can get a gun or a golf club or something.”


“And then what?” Mark looked up and down the street wondering how long they had before another group of zombies found them.


“And then we take care of mister hat eater here and we drive off into the sunset.”


“You’re going to kill that thing?”


“Yes.” Alec headed up the steps to the house, the doorknob had been torn off the hinges. “How hard could it be? It’s only like what… a one hit die creature? Come on, I need you to watch my back.”


Mark turned to go, “You’re bonkers. I am not going in there. Let’s just keep moving.”


“Man. You may be a Star Wars fan but your soul will forever be in Tosche Station picking up power converters.”


Mark rounded on him, “Oh screw you!”


But Alec had already gone inside. The front door of the house swung to a close and bounced back open again. Mark glared at it for a good long time and then looked back at the thing in the red escort. It was staring at him vacantly, bits of baseball cap between its teeth.


“What?” Mark said to it, “I’m not afraid of you. I’m just cautious. There’s nothing wrong with being cautious. Somebody’s got to be the voice of reason. Somebody’s got to be the designated driver.”


The zombie watched him, slowly shifting in its seat.


“Alec?” Mark shouted towards the house, “Having any luck?”


There was no answer, so he called again. Still nothing.


This is ridiculous, he thought. We could be anywhere by now.


Mark called into the house, “I bet that car doesn’t even have half a tank of gas.”


Another minute passed.


“And let’s just say this is the end of civilization, then we are missing out on all the prime looting. Everyone else will have canned goods and battery powered radios, we’ll be chowing down on dog food and Mr. Pibbs while trying to figure out how to set up a crystal radio… Not that you care.”


A distant sound startled Mark from his grumblings, it sounded like a chorus of moans and grunts. It was growing closer.


Oh no…


Mark walked out to the end of the driveway, the zombie snatched at him half-heartedly. The house was a few feet from a four way intersection. He looked in each direction but couldn’t see where the sound was coming from.


“Alec!” He shouted again, “Alec, we’re gonna have company! Alec!”


There was still no answer. Mark looked to the front door of the house.


What do I do? Do I go in after him? What if I get trapped? People always get trapped in the house by in these situations. Unless of course they get surrounded and piled on outdoors. God I hate zombie movies. Why couldn’t this be an attack of giant insects or aliens?


The moaning sounds were growing closer, the zombie in the car started to mutter in response to them. Mark had to wonder how many of the things were headed this way and how much longer he had to dick around while his friend was off on a glorified panty raid. Mark ran over to the side of the house looking for something he could use as a weapon. He found a rake, a rusty ten speed bicycle and a moldy garden hose.


“Alec!” Mark shouted again, “Alec I’m coming in!”


The zombie in the red escort snatched at Mark again as he passed, catching hold of his Jedi robes. Mark yanked them free and then took a swing with the rake. Three of the rake’s four points buried in the zombie’s forearm with a wet sound that set Mark’s teeth on edge.


“Take that.” Mark pulled the rake free, ready to strike again.


The zombie caught the metal handle and held tight.


“Hey. Hey! Let go!”


The zombie started pulling Mark closer.


Mark pulled back, “What the Hell are you doing? Give me that!”


The zombie dragged him another footstep closer, Mark pulled with all his might but his hands were too sweaty, they slipped down the length of the handle.


This is so embarrassing…


The front door of the house crashed open, Mark let the rake go so he could glare at Alec, “Well I hope you’re happy because –”


Except it wasn’t Alec standing there, it was a dead woman with blood all over her and one of her eyes dangling loosely from the socket. Snarling she shambled towards Mark...



Click Here To Continue


The trailer for JULIA'S EYES is super creepy!






Click here to read more about the film at I WATCH STUFF

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Eight

Only the most die hard music historians remember the album 'Disco Lullabies' by Donna Slumber.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Seven

Like most guys he lost his virginity in college but since he went to a clown college it was a really weird experience.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Six

He wanted a lover with a slow hand, which was why getting felt up by zombies was such a thrill.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Five

It turned out the thing Dave was really allergic to was allergy medicine.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Four

The course promised to improve her memory with 5 easy lessons but she kept forgetting to show up.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Three

It was bad enough he had shut his hand in the door to his time machine but now he had 800 year old fingers to deal with.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Two

The super hero Dismembro could literally pull his body apart piece by piece- it always gave him a leg up on the villains.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty One

The aliens tried to conquer the Earth with an army of Nazis. It was Plan Nein From Outer Space.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty

The only way to make a starship move faster than the speed of light was to fill it with perverts. The more warped the better.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Nine

There had been great hopes for the world's first nation of Drag Queens but it soon turned into a rouge state.

(Recommended Reads) "The Yin And Yang Of It" by Marisa Birns

Kathleen is my opposite in looks and temperament. I have dark hair and mahogany eyes. Kathleen’s Irish eyes are cerulean and she was born a redhead.

“A true redhead,” she would tell new friends, “all you have to do is look at my…”

click here to read the rest

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Eight

Then the Maven realized that instead of her own utility belt she was wearing Amazing Ed's Big Bandolier Of Cheese.

(Recommended Reads) "Interview One:Zeb Zombie" by Benjamin Rogers

I sit across the table sweating bullets as the undead man shambles across the room to take a seat. I’m trying to keep my distance from him over the table because he reeks. Bad. Really bad. It is a hot day here and no amount of deodorant or vapor rub is going to block this stench. I almost asked the inevitable ‘What died in here?’ question, but looking at my companion for the day I realized that might be a bad idea...

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Seven

The protesters felt building the William Shatner Museum so close to a movie theater was insensitive to the victims of STAR TREK V.

(Recommended Reads) "Excision" by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith

The girl on the makeshift operating table stares up at me, pleading, her eyes bulging partly through fear and partly because she is trying to scream through a mouthful of gauze. The muffled sound that escapes her is not even loud enough to be heard over the other voices. After I kill her, her voice will join them and I will hear her loud and clear, along with all the others...

click here to continue

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Six

He was a starship officer from and ice planet, he never gained high rank but soon everyone knew the story of Frosty the Yeoman.

CREATIVE WRITER WITH A CREEPY TWIST - they're gonna put that on my grave aren't they?


Well I hope so...

Anthony Venutolo of the sublime and jazzy blog BUKOWSKI'S BASEMENT has honored me with the Creative Writer Blogger Award -- With a Creepy Twist.

Very cool and I am very grateful, the recognition of my fellow bloggers means a lot.




As a recipient of this award I must now tell you Seven Lies and One Truth or Seven Truths and One Lie about myself. You decide which is which...

1.) Every woman I truly loved had hair that was a shade of red.

2.) In my twenty years of writing I have gotten over 1,000 rejection slips and sold only 12 or so stories for a total lifetime profit of around $750.

3.) I watch the movie PHANTASM every year on my birthday.

4.) I have seen one UFO, two ghosts, something I hope to God was a bat and been affected by what I can describe as divine intervention.

5.) Joe Hill's novel HORNS had such a profound effect on me that they had to up my meds.

6.) The only reason that all three of my younger brothers haven't scored with more chicks than me is because one of them is only ten years old but give him time folks.

7.) I think the song HOTEL CALIFORNIA is terrifying.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

(Recommended Reads) A Pilgrimage to the Black Madonna by Clive Martyn

The town’s people stood on their doorsteps, watching the pilgrims as they shuffled and coughed their way through the narrow streets. Some enterprising souls sold bread, cake and water through their windows but most just watched disdainfully, with their handkerchiefs pressed under their noses, praying for the strange procession to end. Much of the road to Santa Maria had been filled with the sick, the hopeful and the weary for over a week since word of the miracles had reached the provinces. The roadside was now cluttered with those unable to continue and those who never would...

click here to read the rest

BRUTAL AS HELL gives us a great article about my favorite horror film ever PHANTASM

 

Retrospective on ‘Phantasm’, Another Look at The Tall Man

There is a finite limit to the amount of grief and horror that the labyrinthine human mind can withstand. The overtaxed cerebrum can and will go to great lengths to protect its host body from succumbing to the shock that may otherwise cause it long term psychological damage. It may splinter, crack, distort memories and/or produce amnesia, all in a desperate, primal attempt to redeem itself in the face of ruin. So elaborate are the inner workings of our grey matter that, when confronted by trauma of cyclopean proportions, our psyche’s can, on rare occasions, make us believe without question that our idyllic suburban sprawls are populated by malignant dwarves sent on a mission of world domination by a tyrannical mortician....

 

 

click here to read the rest

The trailer for EXORCISMUS shows the that the Devil is getting a lot of work this year...




Stop by TWITCH to learn more

For Only $195 You Can Have Your Own Zombie Dildo! (why God why?)

This hand crafted and body safe (7-inch) silicone dildo is more detailed than any dildo you have ever seen before. The artists not only have sculpted an insane monstrosity for you from the influence of some of your favorite horror classics... but they also hand paint each dildo to give it personality, and gruesome reality. It is a labor of love to make these phalo-horrors, so they're not cheap. But they are, in 2 words, perfectly horrific...

 

Geekologie made me cry with this article. 

And yes there's a picture.

And NO I am not posting it here.

 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

(Insane News) "A Las Vegas man has filed a $38 quadrillion complaint against an Alpine attorney"

A Las Vegas man has filed a $38 quadrillion complaint against an Alpine attorney.

John Theodore Anderson, also known as John-Theodore:Anderson in his filings, claims attorneys Douglas Shumway, Benjamin Schramm and Michael Van fraudulently served him with a lawsuit, according to court records.

The dispute stems from a complaint Anderson originally filed against clients of the law firm of Shumway, Van and Hansen for $918 billion. Shumway said his client, Private Capital Group et al, came into possession of mining property in Southern Utah recently after the original owner of the mine defaulted on a loan. The capital group then tried to sell the property, and Anderson put a $918 billion lien on it. In response, Shumway filed a lawsuit for $10,000 in damages to remove the lien, because he said the property cannot be sold with a cloud on the title...

Click here to read the rest if the article