Saturday, August 28, 2010
Price Breaks and Heartaches
A journal of retail and failed romance
Work went well, we continued to sell pictures by the roadside and avoid arrest. Athena and I had hit it off pretty well, we had a lot of laughs but sadly they were the platonic kind not the naked kind. I had asked her out several times but she had always politely demurred, explaining to me that this summer all she wanted was a break from the dating scene.
It was during one of those rainy days off that I spent an afternoon with my father and I finally asked him for some advice.
At this stage of his life my Dad was living in a three room bottom floor apartment with his latest in a series of hot girlfriends. I just didn’t know how he did it. Was it his confidence? Was it that he was a musician? Or was it that in reality he was a cyborg sent from the future to nail as many babes as possible?
I didn’t know the answer to those questions and I pretty much didn’t care. The only thing I really wanted to know was why it had apparently skipped a generation.
His girlfriend was in the kitchen making us something suitably Italian to eat. Dad and I were sitting on his couch, I had rented a video and he was trying to weasel out of watching it. I remained steadfast; I still believe everyone should watch The Toxic Avenger at least once in their lives. In 90 minutes it takes you on a journey inside yourself.
Finally the subject changed, “Dad there’s this girl…”
“Oh thank God,” he sagged back against the couch with relief.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Son, let’s just say I was starting to worry that you liked musicals a little too much.”
I was appalled, “I do not like musicals.”
“Fine then,” my old man said.
“I mean sure there’s Xanadu.”
“Consider the matter dropped.”
“Oh and there’s Sweeney Todd. Although I don’t think much of the current touring cast.”
“What was this about a girl?”
I smiled to myself, “And Chicago, who can’t like that one?”
“Oh sorry,” I said. “You see there’s this girl and I think she likes me but I can’t seem to get her to go out with me.”
My Dad nodded with understanding, “I know right off the bat what you’re doing wrong. You’re acting like you like her.”
“Son,” he began, “the only way to get a girl to like you is to act like you could care less about her.”
“Then why would she go out with you? I mean me?”
“Because women want what they can’t have. So if you act like she can’t have you then she’s all yours.”
“And when do I tell her I like her?”
“Never! The minute you tell her you like her, or God forbid love her, she gets the power in the relationship and women hate that. They can’t respect you if you do that.”
“I don’t understand.”
He shook his head in frustration, “Watch.”
Suddenly his voice became a booming shout, “Tracy how the Hell long are we going to have to wait to eat?”
Tracy looked in from the kitchen, her hair was pinned up in a bun, her eyes were glittering, her nipples were starting to push against the flimsy fabric of her shirt- not that I was looking, “Any second now honey.”
“Just hurry it up.” he gave me a wink as he said it.
She grinned at him as she retreated into the kitchen.
I was appalled. This wasn’t the stuff of fairytales and romantic comedies, “But… But… I don’t want to play games.”
“You could have fooled me with all the money you spend on Dungeons & Dragons.”
“Dad… can’t you understand how awful all this sounds?”
My old man frowned, “The only reason that you act this way is because your mother raised you wrong. She made you too sensitive. She didn’t teach you how to act like a man.”
And this was true, my only male role models had been Batman, Doctor Who and Popeye. Kind of sad I know but I yam what I yam. Would one of you punks like a jelly baby?
“Then why didn’t you raise me? You could have gotten custody after the divorce.”
“You know better than that,” he said, “I couldn’t raise a kid with all the hours I work and travel. Do you think those Mary Kay products would have sold themselves?”
“You’ve always had a girlfriend or a wife around. They could have kept an eye on me.”
“If I did that then either they’d ruin you or you’d ruin them. The last thing I needed was you getting their biological clocks ticking or worse yet you getting a crush on one of them.”
I was appalled he would say such a thing, “I would never-”
“Really now?” my Dad said with a smirk, “You’ve spent half the night trying to read the front of Tracy’s t-shirt.”
“Well the lighting in here is bad.”
“There’s nothing written on her t-shirt.”
“I can read brail.”
I shrank back in my seat, “Sorry Dad.”
So what had I learned that night? That the only way to get the girl you wanted was to act like you didn’t want her. The idea was like a cross between the teaching of the Zen masters and the collected wisdom of Andrew Dice Clay.
Thing was I had heard this before. The ladies of the Julia shop had warned me time and time again I could only win Lilly’s heart by being a jerk. When I considered the parade of douchebags I had fought my way through just to get past first base with my high school sweetheart it almost made sense.
A lousy kind of sense.
And do you know what else I learned? Only to stare at my Dad’s girlfriend’s Gazongas when he wasn’t in the room.
A KAZAKH man cut off his penis at Madrid's Barajas airport to avoid being extradited home and was taken to hospital in a serious condition, Spanish media reported today.
The 52-year-old man had finished serving a five-year prison sentence in Spain for a violent crime and was due to be extradited back to Kazakhstan overnight Monday.
Despite being escorted by several police officers, the man was able to slip a knife out of his clothing and sever his penis...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Only the most die hard music historians remember the album 'Disco Lullabies' by Donna Slumber.
Like most guys he lost his virginity in college but since he went to a clown college it was a really weird experience.
He wanted a lover with a slow hand, which was why getting felt up by zombies was such a thrill.
It turned out the thing Dave was really allergic to was allergy medicine.
The course promised to improve her memory with 5 easy lessons but she kept forgetting to show up.
It was bad enough he had shut his hand in the door to his time machine but now he had 800 year old fingers to deal with.
The super hero Dismembro could literally pull his body apart piece by piece- it always gave him a leg up on the villains.
The aliens tried to conquer the Earth with an army of Nazis. It was Plan Nein From Outer Space.
The only way to make a starship move faster than the speed of light was to fill it with perverts. The more warped the better.
There had been great hopes for the world's first nation of Drag Queens but it soon turned into a rouge state.
Kathleen is my opposite in looks and temperament. I have dark hair and mahogany eyes. Kathleen’s Irish eyes are cerulean and she was born a redhead.
“A true redhead,” she would tell new friends, “all you have to do is look at my…”
Then the Maven realized that instead of her own utility belt she was wearing Amazing Ed's Big Bandolier Of Cheese.
I sit across the table sweating bullets as the undead man shambles across the room to take a seat. I’m trying to keep my distance from him over the table because he reeks. Bad. Really bad. It is a hot day here and no amount of deodorant or vapor rub is going to block this stench. I almost asked the inevitable ‘What died in here?’ question, but looking at my companion for the day I realized that might be a bad idea...
The protesters felt building the William Shatner Museum so close to a movie theater was insensitive to the victims of STAR TREK V.
The girl on the makeshift operating table stares up at me, pleading, her eyes bulging partly through fear and partly because she is trying to scream through a mouthful of gauze. The muffled sound that escapes her is not even loud enough to be heard over the other voices. After I kill her, her voice will join them and I will hear her loud and clear, along with all the others...
He was a starship officer from and ice planet, he never gained high rank but soon everyone knew the story of Frosty the Yeoman.
Anthony Venutolo of the sublime and jazzy blog BUKOWSKI'S BASEMENT has honored me with the Creative Writer Blogger Award -- With a Creepy Twist.
As a recipient of this award I must now tell you Seven Lies and One Truth or Seven Truths and One Lie about myself. You decide which is which...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The town’s people stood on their doorsteps, watching the pilgrims as they shuffled and coughed their way through the narrow streets. Some enterprising souls sold bread, cake and water through their windows but most just watched disdainfully, with their handkerchiefs pressed under their noses, praying for the strange procession to end. Much of the road to Santa Maria had been filled with the sick, the hopeful and the weary for over a week since word of the miracles had reached the provinces. The roadside was now cluttered with those unable to continue and those who never would...
Retrospective on ‘Phantasm’, Another Look at The Tall Man
There is a finite limit to the amount of grief and horror that the labyrinthine human mind can withstand. The overtaxed cerebrum can and will go to great lengths to protect its host body from succumbing to the shock that may otherwise cause it long term psychological damage. It may splinter, crack, distort memories and/or produce amnesia, all in a desperate, primal attempt to redeem itself in the face of ruin. So elaborate are the inner workings of our grey matter that, when confronted by trauma of cyclopean proportions, our psyche’s can, on rare occasions, make us believe without question that our idyllic suburban sprawls are populated by malignant dwarves sent on a mission of world domination by a tyrannical mortician....
This hand crafted and body safe (7-inch) silicone dildo is more detailed than any dildo you have ever seen before. The artists not only have sculpted an insane monstrosity for you from the influence of some of your favorite horror classics... but they also hand paint each dildo to give it personality, and gruesome reality. It is a labor of love to make these phalo-horrors, so they're not cheap. But they are, in 2 words, perfectly horrific...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Las Vegas man has filed a $38 quadrillion complaint against an Alpine attorney.