TALES FROM THE ODDSIDE
The Ocean Doesn't Want Me
by
Al Bruno III
(Read by The Author)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
(Insane News) "Man severs privates at airport to avoid extradition"
A KAZAKH man cut off his penis at Madrid's Barajas airport to avoid being extradited home and was taken to hospital in a serious condition, Spanish media reported today.
The 52-year-old man had finished serving a five-year prison sentence in Spain for a violent crime and was due to be extradited back to Kazakhstan overnight Monday.
Despite being escorted by several police officers, the man was able to slip a knife out of his clothing and sever his penis...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
CORPSE WARS: The Fandom Menaced episode three
Corpse Wars:
The Fandom Menaced
episode three
By
Al Bruno III
...suddenly the body reared up. It clawed at Alec, grabbing hold of his hat and shirt. Its mouth lolled open in anticipation, drooling cold rivulets of blood and spittle. Mark pulled Alec clear, leaving the zombie holding the older man’s baseball cap and nothing more.
They stared disbelievingly at the dead man as it tried to lunge at them. The seatbelt held it in place.
Mark shook his head, “I don’t want to say I told you so…”
“He’s… he’s got my hat!”
“He almost got you.”
“I’ve had that hat since 1980!” Alec shouted to no one in particular.
The zombie tried to lunge for them a few more times, Mark wondered if that was frustration he saw on its face.
Can zombies get frustrated? Mark wondered.
Then the dead man gave up and turned its attention to other things.
“Oh, now he’s eating it!” There were tears in Alec’s eyes, “I lost my virginity wearing that hat.”
Mark shook his head, “We don’t have time for the Booth Babe story again, let’s just get out of here.”
“No.” Alec said, “Now I’m determined. I’m going to go in the house here and see if we can get a gun or a golf club or something.”
“And then what?” Mark looked up and down the street wondering how long they had before another group of zombies found them.
“And then we take care of mister hat eater here and we drive off into the sunset.”
“You’re going to kill that thing?”
“Yes.” Alec headed up the steps to the house, the doorknob had been torn off the hinges. “How hard could it be? It’s only like what… a one hit die creature? Come on, I need you to watch my back.”
Mark turned to go, “You’re bonkers. I am not going in there. Let’s just keep moving.”
“Man. You may be a Star Wars fan but your soul will forever be in Tosche Station picking up power converters.”
Mark rounded on him, “Oh screw you!”
But Alec had already gone inside. The front door of the house swung to a close and bounced back open again. Mark glared at it for a good long time and then looked back at the thing in the red escort. It was staring at him vacantly, bits of baseball cap between its teeth.
“What?” Mark said to it, “I’m not afraid of you. I’m just cautious. There’s nothing wrong with being cautious. Somebody’s got to be the voice of reason. Somebody’s got to be the designated driver.”
The zombie watched him, slowly shifting in its seat.
“Alec?” Mark shouted towards the house, “Having any luck?”
There was no answer, so he called again. Still nothing.
This is ridiculous, he thought. We could be anywhere by now.
Mark called into the house, “I bet that car doesn’t even have half a tank of gas.”
Another minute passed.
“And let’s just say this is the end of civilization, then we are missing out on all the prime looting. Everyone else will have canned goods and battery powered radios, we’ll be chowing down on dog food and Mr. Pibbs while trying to figure out how to set up a crystal radio… Not that you care.”
A distant sound startled Mark from his grumblings, it sounded like a chorus of moans and grunts. It was growing closer.
Oh no…
Mark walked out to the end of the driveway, the zombie snatched at him half-heartedly. The house was a few feet from a four way intersection. He looked in each direction but couldn’t see where the sound was coming from.
“Alec!” He shouted again, “Alec, we’re gonna have company! Alec!”
There was still no answer. Mark looked to the front door of the house.
What do I do? Do I go in after him? What if I get trapped? People always get trapped in the house by in these situations. Unless of course they get surrounded and piled on outdoors. God I hate zombie movies. Why couldn’t this be an attack of giant insects or aliens?
The moaning sounds were growing closer, the zombie in the car started to mutter in response to them. Mark had to wonder how many of the things were headed this way and how much longer he had to dick around while his friend was off on a glorified panty raid. Mark ran over to the side of the house looking for something he could use as a weapon. He found a rake, a rusty ten speed bicycle and a moldy garden hose.
“Alec!” Mark shouted again, “Alec I’m coming in!”
The zombie in the red escort snatched at Mark again as he passed, catching hold of his Jedi robes. Mark yanked them free and then took a swing with the rake. Three of the rake’s four points buried in the zombie’s forearm with a wet sound that set Mark’s teeth on edge.
“Take that.” Mark pulled the rake free, ready to strike again.
The zombie caught the metal handle and held tight.
“Hey. Hey! Let go!”
The zombie started pulling Mark closer.
Mark pulled back, “What the Hell are you doing? Give me that!”
The zombie dragged him another footstep closer, Mark pulled with all his might but his hands were too sweaty, they slipped down the length of the handle.
This is so embarrassing…
The front door of the house crashed open, Mark let the rake go so he could glare at Alec, “Well I hope you’re happy because –”
Except it wasn’t Alec standing there, it was a dead woman with blood all over her and one of her eyes dangling loosely from the socket. Snarling she shambled towards Mark...
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Eight
Only the most die hard music historians remember the album 'Disco Lullabies' by Donna Slumber.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Seven
Like most guys he lost his virginity in college but since he went to a clown college it was a really weird experience.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Six
He wanted a lover with a slow hand, which was why getting felt up by zombies was such a thrill.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Five
It turned out the thing Dave was really allergic to was allergy medicine.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Four
The course promised to improve her memory with 5 easy lessons but she kept forgetting to show up.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Three
It was bad enough he had shut his hand in the door to his time machine but now he had 800 year old fingers to deal with.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Two
The super hero Dismembro could literally pull his body apart piece by piece- it always gave him a leg up on the villains.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty One
The aliens tried to conquer the Earth with an army of Nazis. It was Plan Nein From Outer Space.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty
The only way to make a starship move faster than the speed of light was to fill it with perverts. The more warped the better.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Nine
There had been great hopes for the world's first nation of Drag Queens but it soon turned into a rouge state.
(Recommended Reads) "The Yin And Yang Of It" by Marisa Birns
Kathleen is my opposite in looks and temperament. I have dark hair and mahogany eyes. Kathleen’s Irish eyes are cerulean and she was born a redhead.
“A true redhead,” she would tell new friends, “all you have to do is look at my…”
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Eight
Then the Maven realized that instead of her own utility belt she was wearing Amazing Ed's Big Bandolier Of Cheese.
(Recommended Reads) "Interview One:Zeb Zombie" by Benjamin Rogers
I sit across the table sweating bullets as the undead man shambles across the room to take a seat. I’m trying to keep my distance from him over the table because he reeks. Bad. Really bad. It is a hot day here and no amount of deodorant or vapor rub is going to block this stench. I almost asked the inevitable ‘What died in here?’ question, but looking at my companion for the day I realized that might be a bad idea...
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Seven
The protesters felt building the William Shatner Museum so close to a movie theater was insensitive to the victims of STAR TREK V.
(Recommended Reads) "Excision" by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith
The girl on the makeshift operating table stares up at me, pleading, her eyes bulging partly through fear and partly because she is trying to scream through a mouthful of gauze. The muffled sound that escapes her is not even loud enough to be heard over the other voices. After I kill her, her voice will join them and I will hear her loud and clear, along with all the others...
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Six
He was a starship officer from and ice planet, he never gained high rank but soon everyone knew the story of Frosty the Yeoman.
CREATIVE WRITER WITH A CREEPY TWIST - they're gonna put that on my grave aren't they?
Anthony Venutolo of the sublime and jazzy blog BUKOWSKI'S BASEMENT has honored me with the Creative Writer Blogger Award -- With a Creepy Twist.
Very cool and I am very grateful, the recognition of my fellow bloggers means a lot.
As a recipient of this award I must now tell you Seven Lies and One Truth or Seven Truths and One Lie about myself. You decide which is which...
1.) Every woman I truly loved had hair that was a shade of red.
2.) In my twenty years of writing I have gotten over 1,000 rejection slips and sold only 12 or so stories for a total lifetime profit of around $750.
3.) I watch the movie PHANTASM every year on my birthday.
4.) I have seen one UFO, two ghosts, something I hope to God was a bat and been affected by what I can describe as divine intervention.
5.) Joe Hill's novel HORNS had such a profound effect on me that they had to up my meds.
6.) The only reason that all three of my younger brothers haven't scored with more chicks than me is because one of them is only ten years old but give him time folks.
7.) I think the song HOTEL CALIFORNIA is terrifying.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
(Recommended Reads) A Pilgrimage to the Black Madonna by Clive Martyn
The town’s people stood on their doorsteps, watching the pilgrims as they shuffled and coughed their way through the narrow streets. Some enterprising souls sold bread, cake and water through their windows but most just watched disdainfully, with their handkerchiefs pressed under their noses, praying for the strange procession to end. Much of the road to Santa Maria had been filled with the sick, the hopeful and the weary for over a week since word of the miracles had reached the provinces. The roadside was now cluttered with those unable to continue and those who never would...
BRUTAL AS HELL gives us a great article about my favorite horror film ever PHANTASM
Retrospective on ‘Phantasm’, Another Look at The Tall Man
There is a finite limit to the amount of grief and horror that the labyrinthine human mind can withstand. The overtaxed cerebrum can and will go to great lengths to protect its host body from succumbing to the shock that may otherwise cause it long term psychological damage. It may splinter, crack, distort memories and/or produce amnesia, all in a desperate, primal attempt to redeem itself in the face of ruin. So elaborate are the inner workings of our grey matter that, when confronted by trauma of cyclopean proportions, our psyche’s can, on rare occasions, make us believe without question that our idyllic suburban sprawls are populated by malignant dwarves sent on a mission of world domination by a tyrannical mortician....
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
(Insane News) "A Las Vegas man has filed a $38 quadrillion complaint against an Alpine attorney"
A Las Vegas man has filed a $38 quadrillion complaint against an Alpine attorney.
John Theodore Anderson, also known as John-Theodore:Anderson in his filings, claims attorneys Douglas Shumway, Benjamin Schramm and Michael Van fraudulently served him with a lawsuit, according to court records.
The dispute stems from a complaint Anderson originally filed against clients of the law firm of Shumway, Van and Hansen for $918 billion. Shumway said his client, Private Capital Group et al, came into possession of mining property in Southern Utah recently after the original owner of the mine defaulted on a loan. The capital group then tried to sell the property, and Anderson put a $918 billion lien on it. In response, Shumway filed a lawsuit for $10,000 in damages to remove the lien, because he said the property cannot be sold with a cloud on the title...
Click here to read the rest if the article
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Five Hundred and Twenty Five
The K-Y Jelly made just for STAR WARS fans is more expensive but you will pay for you lack of friction.
(Recommended Reads) "Seven Meals From Anarchy" by Anthony Venutolo
WEEK ONE
We've been worried all this time about 'The End.' We've fucking endured everything from Reagan's Cold War paranoia to crazy Arabs blowing everything to bits - including themselves. As I write this, I find funny that 'The End' probably doesn't come from a war or a bomb. It very well may have started out as a pig virus in Mexico...
Monday, August 23, 2010
(Insane News) The zombies have lawyers! The zombies have lawyers! WE'RE DOOMED!!!
The Minneapolis city attorney's office has decided to pay seven zombies and their attorney $165,000.
The payout, approved by the City Council on Friday, settles a federal lawsuit the seven filed after they were arrested and jailed for two days for dressing up like zombies in downtown Minneapolis on July 22, 2006, to protest "mindless" consumerism.
When arrested at the intersection of Hennepin Avenue and 6th Street N., most of them had thick white powder and fake blood on their faces and dark makeup around their eyes. They were walking in a stiff, lurching fashion and carrying four bags of sound equipment to amplify music from an iPod when they were arrested by police who said they were carrying equipment that simulated "weapons of mass destruction."...
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