Friday, August 14, 2009

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Eight

Horothgar thought the mage had told him to beware of harpies when he reached Spring Break '99. He was so very wrong.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Seven

Captain Hero tried his luck with a darker, edgier costume and nearly got run over crossing the street at night.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Six

None of the other guys in the Mob suspected Vito the Icepick's love of romantic comedies.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Five

As he climaxed he whispered his one true love's name, everyone else in the library thought he was just talking to himself.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Four

The aliens landed in a warship that looked just like Spongebob Squarepants. The rest was easy.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Three

Oh sure the army tried recruiting ninjas but no one ever noticed them during role call.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Two

The Reverend Ferdman was the first one to open a church sanctioned casino; they called it 'Holy Rollers'

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty One

At 7 PM a giant meteor stuck the Earth, some only noticed when their cable TV went dead.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty

Doomsday Girl's master plan involved a dirigible and some bungee cords. It failed.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Nine

The car ride took a million years subjective time and there was only one Van Morrison CD to listen to.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Eight

Mass confusion erupted when the International League of Hypnotists blundered into the National Staring contest.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Six

Hrothgar was a barbarian spy with a licence to cleave.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Seven

War after war of succession was fought over the Kingdom, no one wanted to be in charge of the damn place.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Five

The villain in the first PETA-Approved horror film was called Pleatherface.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Four

If there was one thing all super heroes understood it was that in a crisis the guy no one ever heard of dies first.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Three

Of all the positions in 'THE NERDS KARMA SUTRA' the Floating Jedi position is the most rewarding.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Two

Of all the positions in 'THE NERDS KARMA SUTRA' the Behind Meld is still illegal in some states.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Eight

Everyone knew Captain Hero was conflicted about Doomsday Girl- men in spandex have no secrets.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Seven

Whoever thought it didn't hurt to just ask had never gone to Mr. Nelson for a raise after he'd had a bad golf game

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Six

She was so busy chasing her dreams that she trampled over his reality.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Five

Peaches the Pony was her wish come true! If only she hadn't made her wish at that cursed well.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Four

There are a million stories in the city, none currently involve shuffleboard.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Three

Sobering up all he recalled was kissing a woman with a mustache. Then a pair of underpants was found in the manatee tank.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Two

He had lost his soul to drugs and depravity but no one in Kartoon Kingdom even knew Magic Mallard had a problem.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty One

They cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war, followed quickly by the cats of hurtful language and budgies of ennui.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty

Once paper currency was replaced by erotic lithographs people started saving again.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Nine

The fan forum for the TV show about a TV fan forum caused the Internet to collapse into a singularity of complaints and porn.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Eight

It was the one thing no paranormal investigator wanted to hear; "angry gay leprechauns"

5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Twenty Seven

It was the 4th mummy that had shambled from its museum directly to New Orleans, perhaps drawn there by ragtime music.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Six

He was the most inept lover she had ever had, somehow that intrigued her. Soon she fell in love, rugburns and all.

5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Five

The Cannibal Congressman's defense became his re-election slogan- “Lobbyists: The Other White Meat”

Six Months!

If I may take a moment here to pat myself on the back I would just like to say that my serial novel In The Shadow Of His Nemesis has reached the six month mark.

I must say that I'm pretty darn pleased with it so far, I hope you folks out there have been enjoying it. I even went so far as to create a faux soundtrack for it. You can give it a listen here at My Blip.fm Station.

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis chapter twenty four


BY AL BRUNO III




Thursday November 14th 1996




After dinner Isobel had asked if there were any pencils or paper around, she felt crazy with the itch to draw. Hao had done more than find her pencils and papers; she had brought her a sketch pad and some charcoals.

Just what the doctor ordered.

Setting down in the empty solarium Isobel worked by the light of an oil lamp- there was no electricity at Laurel House. At first she just made little doodles here and there on the paper; a bird, a car, a tree, an imaginary face. Slowly reality began to intrude on her work- there was Cheryl’s face, the gentle landscape of Galen lying nude atop her bed, the grotesqueries that were Ms. Ginnmett and Mr. Sauno.

It hurt to make those drawings but it somehow reliving as well, as though she was somehow purging herself. Of course Isobel wasn’t so na├»ve to think this simple act would truly earn her a good night’s sleep but she let herself hope.

She heard a giggle and looked over to see Roxanne and Jack pass with platefuls of food. They were both in their bathrobes and grinning like children at mischief.

It amused her for a moment to imagine the two of them together, Jack with his long hair and male model build snuggled close to Roxanne with her boyish hairdo and oversized curves. It seemed like the rule of Laurel House was that opposites attracted.

Is it that? She wondered. Or is it that they have no one else?

Angie told her that some of the guests had been here for more than a decade and Isobel tried to imagine a lifetime of lamplight and water closets, of fireplaces and wood stoves. She couldn’t really, this whole thing felt like a camping trip sometimes; a bit of roughing it before returning to the real world.

Of course she knew better than to assume she could ever return to her old life now. For all she knew she might very well become one of Laurel House’s lifetime guests.

I’ve got a funny feeling Warren wouldn’t mind that one bit. Isobel thought, At least as long his new crush stays here too.

At the thought of them Isobel made a quick sketch of the pair of them, her brother and the regal, dark skinned woman staring moonily into each other’s eyes.

“It’s nice to see you smile again.”

Galen was standing before her. Isobel felt goose bumps work their way up her arms and her mouth go dry. She had spent so long trying not to say more than two syllables to him but was that really how she wanted things to stay? Wasn’t he just as much a victim of any of them?

They kept looking at each other; the uncomfortable silence stretched on until finally Isobel said, “Sit down.”

He pulled a chair up close to her, “What are you drawing?”

“This and that” She said but he glimpsed the sketches before she could hide them.

“Was that my…”

Isobel blushed, “Yes.”

“Well, I’m flattered.” Galen was blushing too.

“I guess we should talk.” She said.

“I didn’t want to rush you.”

“Oh you’re not. I just wasn’t sure how to start.”

Galen nodded, “Me either”

The night was cloudy and the dark seemed to press down on the glass ceiling of the solarium. It almost seemed like the rest of the world didn’t exist. Except that the way Jack had explained it to them was that the world was just fine, it was Laurel House that didn’t quite exist.

They heard the sound of a piano from further inside the house, Bodivar hard at work on Fur Elise again. He played other songs so beautifully but this one always seemed to daunt him.

“Isobel, I never meant…”

“…I know.”

“I don’t think what happened between us was a mistake…”

Isobel sounded horrified, “…oh I never.”

“I shouldn’t have.” Galen said, “You don’t know what this is about. You were innocent. If I had made you drop me off at a gas station none of this might have happened.”

“Yeah but it still might have. Everything that happened...” She said, “…it’s still all too much sometimes.”

“Where…” He ran a hand through his red hair, “…where does that leave us now?”

“I don’t know.” Isobel turned off the oil lamp and stood, leaving her art supplies on her chair, “Maybe we should sleep on it.”

“Sure. I’m just glad we’re talking”

Isobel retreated to her room, hoping that he hadn’t realized she was trembling.



Sunday, August 9, 2009

Video Blog One: They See Me Rollin...

video

I wish to thank Brian Solomon of
The Vault of Horror for his technical advice
and for making this look easier than it is.

A word of warning...

I am going to post my first attempt at a video blog today.

If you are driven mad by people that break up their sentences with "er uh" and "and uhm" this may not be the video blog for you.

And if guys that look like this-


Make you react like this-


This will also not be the video blog for you.

You have been warned.

And now bikini babes reading the scripts from the STAR WARS trilogy...

Courtesy of whipitoutcomedy.com and 1690swimwear




Is this what I have to do to get more hits people?

Are you paying attention out there in North Dakota?