Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions): Route d'abbaye Track Two- Something

The Nick Of Time (and other abrasions)

Route d'abbaye

Track Two



Al Bruno III

The three of them moved down the pockmarked sidewalks of Erichtho Terrace alternately arguing and making snide remarks. A girl of no more than nineteen led the way and she wasn’t looking where she was going...


“Something...” Jason Magwier hurried after the girl. His hair was curly and close cropped, his eyes were so dark that they almost seemed like pools of shadow. He wore faded slacks and a garishly colored sweater, “...something tells me she's a little upset.”

“It’s called stomping and cursing,” the imposing black man with graying dreadlocks said. He was called Zeth and wore loose-fitting beige clothes, his eyes never stayed in one place for long. “She's quite good at it really.”

The girl was named Lorelei and her cherubic features were offset by a glowering expression and and a ragged shock of burgundy-dyed hair. Her clothes were cutoff shorts, dark leggings, a frayed t-shirt and a pair of clunky boots. Magwier's battered leather jacket was draped over her shoulders to shield her from the December cold. “This is my weekend and so far I've spent half of it sitting around Magwier's apartment watching him get wasted on black sunshine and listen to the same Beatles album over and over.”

They stepped off the sidewalk and jaywalked through the intersection. “Have faith my dear,” Magwier tried to touch her shoulder only to have her pull away, “important things are afoot today. Disaster looms.”

Zeth asked warily, “Another disaster? What kind?”

“An assassin is preying upon one of the most important families in Olathoe,” Magwier explained. “This is the kind of instability the followers of the Cause don’t need.”

Lorelei paused in the street so a carriage being drawn by a pair of albino Clydesdales could pass, “I think you need to learn the difference between followers and draftees.”

There was a newstand on the corner that sold blasphemous tracts and penny dreadfuls. A crowd had gathered there. “And what does this assassin have to do with my having to listen to Abbey Road fifty times?” Zeth asked.

Magwier sprinted towards the commotion, “What better way to summon a spirit of serendipity to watch over us?”

“Serendipity spirit? That’s a new one...” Lorelei’s pace slowed. She was an Apprentice of the Greater Eastern Council Of Mystagogues, and a well read one at that, but she had never heard of such a thing as a serenity spirit. She was about to ask another question when she realized she was standing alone, “Hey! Wait up!”

The crowd was thick enough that Lorelei might not have gotten through to see what they were gawking at but several of the gawkers had to flee the scene so they could be sick or pray or both. Zeth stared at the shape on the sidewalk with grim fascination, Magwier narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.

For a moment Lorelei couldn’t focus on the shape, her mind refused to accept the pitiful thing before her. It breathed and gurgled. It was human- or at least it had been human once. Now it was just something terrible and impossible.

A gaping, bloodless wound had been opened in its gut and the entrails pulled out and had, for lack of a better word, been rewired so that the thick tangle of intestines ran up the figure’s body and fused with its mouth.

But the mutilations didn’t end there, the elbows and knees of the figure had been turned inside-out leaving unprotected nubs of bone and cartilage to scrape along the sidewalk as it struggled and choked.

Not just choked, Lorelei realized as she watched the thick ropey entrails pulse mindlessly, Its drowning in it's own filth! Oh Goddess!

“Who did this?” she asked.

Jason Magwier put his arm around her and pointed to the figure walking calmly away, a tall shape with a mane of white-blonde hair.

“Oh no,” Zeth said.

The audience of onlookers was growing, many of them demanded the pitiful creature be put out of its misery but no one did anything. Magwier, Lorelei and Zeth left the newsstand behind and ran after the retreating figure in the inverness coat.

“Is it Dr. Flesh?” Lorelei panted, “I mean is it really him?”

“Yes,” Magwier replied, “oh yes.”

“I don’t know if I should be terrified or hoping for an autograph.”

Zeth caught Lorelei and spun her around so fast that she almost fell. He put his face close to hers, close enough that to a passer by it might look like they were about to kiss. Zeth said, “Now you listen to me. That man is worse than dangerous. You do not talk to him, you do not approach him, you do not let him touch you and do not let him find out who your mother is.”

“I didn’t think you cared,” she half-joked.

“I don’t,” he growled, “but my best friend loves you and that’s enough.”

Magwier was a yard ahead of them, his hands were cupped over his mouth and he had drawn in his breath to yell.

“Oh bloody Hell,” Zeth groaned.

Magwier’s shout was loud and deep, “Comprachico!”

“Who-” the man with the white blonde hair spun around, his face a murderous glare. That glare was quickly replaced with a look that was book recognition and resignation.

“Now that I have your attention,” Magwier put his hands on his hips.

Dr. Flesh’s only reply was to crack a grin and start running. In moments he had disappeared down an alleyway.

“Where’s he going?” Zeth caught up to Magwier.

“Route d'abbaye,” he said, “it has to be.”

Lorelei took her place beside them, “Wait till the girls at school hear about this.”

“Come on,” Jason Magwier waved them along, “he can’t get far. Not tonight. I’ve seen to that.”

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Michael Bukowski has created the definitive Invisible Monster!

The trailer for THALE gives me the weirdest boner. (NSFW)




Based on the premise that mythical creatures - in this case a forest spirit known as a huldra - not only exist but are actually genetic offshoots of our own family tree, Nordaas' goal is to create a realistic deconstruction of the myths and legends he grew up with, all of it packaged as a low key thriller...


OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS gives you a glimpse of what I was like as a child!

If you've ever wanted to see Darth Vader in the ladies room this is the video for you!

How does TOPLESS ROBOT find this stuff?


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Best on the scene news report ever?



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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Look at pictues of Miranda Kerr as an ersatz Wonder Woman? Well if you insist...

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Forty Two

At 9:00 AM he began his online presentation, at 9:02 AM he realized he never removed the desktop wallpaper of clowns giving enemas.

(Insane News) "Police pinch pug-pilfering pensioner"


...The trusting woman then allowed her pug to go off with the two strangers, who never returned.

After the intensive, round-the-clock police investigations began, the woman received a mysterious message on her answering machine a few days later.

“The message did not demand any ransom payment, but it offered no hope of a reunion, since the dog was now reportedly ‘in the best hands,’ ” the police report said.

But as with all master criminals, the kidnappers made one fatal error: they took their victim to a Frankfurt vet for a check-up. Since the canine abductee had been fitted with an identity chip, police were able to trace him back to his real owner after an extensive search...

click here to read the rest

(Insane Product) Japanese Virgin Girl Sweat Spray?

TOPLESS ROBOT tells us about this product.


Giving off that unforgettable pungent odor of soap and youthful sweat combined deliciously together, the Japanese Virgin Girl Sweat Spray will bring all kinds of new smells and experiences. Spray some onto your love doll's clothing or body for unbeatable verisimilitude and to enhance your hormonal desires. Though originally designed with love dolls in mind, there is of course nothing to stop you using the aroma spray to add extra realism to your favorite onaholes, used panties or other toys and items...

(Insane News) "He smelled them all the time even while driving..."


Thai thief caught with 10,000 pairs of women's underwear

Bangkok - Police in Thailand said Wednesday that they had apprehended a thief with more than a thousand pairs of women's underwear in the trunk of his car.

Police also found more than ten thousand pairs at the house of the 48-year-old Thai suspect, who was arrested late Tuesday with an accomplice after breaking into a building in Bangkok's Chinatown.

They said the man admitted to stealing and collecting women's underwear since the age of 18.

"He smelled them all the time even while driving," said police Major General Saroj Promcharoen...

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Only the musical stylings of Adam West can save us now!

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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

MOON IN THE GUTTER says you should check out Celia Rowlson-Hall's short film PROM NIGHT. And you should.

For more interesting stuff visit MOON IN THE GUTTER


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Hurrah! The newest installment of THE SECRET KNOTS is here!

There's less than a week to choose your favorite #FridayFlash of 2011

THE COLD INSIDE (a serial novel) Chapter Seven part one


Chapter Seven

part one


Wednesday November 9, 1994

The morning was warm, warm enough for light jackets and long sleeved shirts. Tristam stood with the other Magnificent Seven near Blessed Heart’s main entrance, waiting for the Homeroom bell to ring.

“Look all I know is that if you kill somebody you should die. End of story,” Adelphos said.

“But what if they’re later found out to be innocent?” Drew asked.

Warren puffed up at this, “I’d rather an innocent man die than a guilty man go free.”

“Well, that’s really Christian,” Greg said with an uneasy laugh.

“Why should we waste resources keeping these dingleberries alive when there are homeless children starving in the streets?”

Adelphos nodded, “He’s got a point man.”

“But if we kill killers aren’t we being no better than the people that we are killing?” Yusef asked.

Rich nodded approvingly, “That was a tangled little sentence.”

“Thank you.”

Thursday’s speaker had them all revved up to debate. Blessed Heart had a long history of Social Activism and tried to impress on its students the importance of that activism. So every month they had a little one-day workshops on some important cause- world hunger, environmentalism and human rights were favorites- and each class of the day would try to incorporate some aspect of that month’s cause into the lesson plans. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. Algebra and war crimes just didn’t mix.

“You still haven’t answered me,” Drew said. “What about the people on death row that are later found to be innocent?”

Adelphos dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand, “That shit only happens in the movies.”

“These guys get almost twenty years of appeals, if they’re innocent they wouldn’t be on death row,” Warren said.

This week’s speaker was an advocate for abolishing the death penalty, a minister who had been beaten and tortured for standing up to fascist South American regimes. A tireless crusader for the rights of others. The kind of man Tristam’s father would have called a troublemaker or a martyr-in-waiting.

“How can you-” Warren pointed at Greg, “-of all people be against the death penalty?”

“Woah! Woah!” Rich hit Warren in the back of the head with a dog-eared copy of The Dancers at the End of Time. “You can’t go there!”

“It’s a legitimate question.”

“And you are legitimately over the line.”

Tristam stepped away from the group and peered into the parking lot, another bus was pulling up and disgorging its load of well-dressed students. He watched them as they filed past the Magnificent Seven. Most ignored them but a few made catcalls or rude gestures.

“It’s PK Rich” Greg began. “Warren, do you think that Jeff Hayes really deserves the death penalty?”

“How many people did he kill?” Warren snapped back, “How many people did he kill?”

“Counting me?”


“And his parents?”


“He killed twelve and wounded ten others but he was disturbed do you understand that.”

“If he’s that nuts then he won’t know we’re putting him in the electric chair.”

“Old joke.”

Adelphos frowned, “Look all I’m saying is that they should have had that fucker strapped into the chair at his trial and set it up so that when the judge banged his gavel down to pronounce sentence it would have flipped the switch.”

Greg shook his head “He never came to trial. They found him too disturbed to answer for his actions.”

“Insanity. That’s bullshit.”

Yusef said, “I believe that God made insane people to test us. To test our compassion and patience, to see if we can be as merciful as he is. It is the same way with jocks and Republicans.”

Then Tristam saw her, nearly the last one off the bus because she was too busy chatting with a group of her fellow cheerleaders. In spite of the unseasonably warm weather Monique had chosen to wear a turtleneck sweater. The sight made Tristam clench his hands into fists.

Warren sneered, “What Jeff Hayes did had nothing to do with God.”

“What Jeff Hayes did...” Tristam said as he turned to go, “ what we all secretly wanted to do.”

Drew watched after him, “Ohhh. Somebody’s on edge.”

Warren chuckled a little, “Wouldn’t wanna be a dog right now.”

The rest of the Seven groaned with disgust and walked away.

“What?” Warren called after them, “What did I say?”

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5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Forty One

The Maven discovered the alien was made of sponges early in the adventure but found the whole situation hard to absorb.

5 Second Fiction Two Thousand and Forty

He thought it would just be a platonic brunch with Judy the serial killer but it turned into an execution date.

(Recommended Reads) Be sure to check out J. Dane Tyler's serial novel 'PEST CONTROL'

Everybody thinks vampires sleep in lavish mansions, wear fine silk clothes and live the life of a frickin’ beer commercial or TV show.

Lemme tell you something, that ain’t nothing like the truth.

Vampires ain’t people. That’s the first thing you gotta know. They ain’t human, so they ain’t people at all. They’re not even animals, really. Not if you think about it. They don’t have babies, and don’t really breed at all. So, not really animals. You know?

Think of vampires more like…like germs, sorta. Parasites or viruses. They take a living body and just kinda…take over. Once they have it — the body, I mean — there’s none that person left. Only the vampire. Just like when a virus kills someone, it’s the only thing left. The virus, I mean. That’s how vampires are. They kill the someone and only the vampire’s left.

If they were zombies from a George Romero movie, no one would be confused by it. The only question would be what to do about killing ‘em. You know, head shots or some voodoo ritual or whatnot.

But TV and movies and books and shit made vampires sexy and attractive and oh-so-stylish, so most folks ain’t ready for the real thing. It’s a shock to ‘em.
That’s why I’m down here. I’m an exterminator, sort of.

This is what I do...

click here to read more


YOG-BLOGSOTH makes me wonder if you summon a shapeless bat-thing with a shapeless bat-signal.

And now the official church singer for the Cult of Azathoth...

From BUZZFEED but everyone seems to be posting this one...


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BUZZFEED shows us some strange books that were actually published... (and no, none of them are by me.)

For more visit BUZZFEED









The fan film BATMAN: DEATH WISH is a great piece of work. Check it out.



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Monday, January 23, 2012

Now if only there were a Karen Gillian island...

this commercial for a language school found via BUZZFEED


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Sunday, January 22, 2012

DAVE'S BLOG has a picture that made me headdesk and faceplam at the same time!

Dr. Theda shows us that you can summon a demon by microwaving a cell phone!

The Creep On The Borderlands part six

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Nine

The Creep On The Borderlands

part six

Norm began describing our scenario, “The adventure begins when you all arrive at Castellan Keep at the base of the Altan Tepe Mountains … but the question is do you arrive? Do you? Only my Pre-Mountaineering Random Event Generator can tell us for sure. Please get out a d8 and a d20.”

Pre-adventure adventures wasn’t the way I was used to playing the game but I felt I had to adapt. After all in my first D&D game ever we all had played versions of ourselves. My step cousin was the Dungeon Master and had us perform feats of endurance and strength to gauge where we fell in within the 3 to 18 range, our Constitution was determined by holding our hand over an open flame. The more seconds you held it, the more points in Constitution you had, but inversely the less Wisdom points you had because you were, after all, burning your hand for a stupid game.

Dice were rolled, charts and sub charts were consulted. The frost weasels had their way with Buddy’s character, “Damn. Well, I’m sure my PC didn’t need that hand.”

By the way did I mention PC is short for player character? It is a little late now and I apologize.

Norm nodded, “The bite of a Frost Weasel is a dangerous thing.”

“Frostbite?” Eddie said, “Wow. That reminds me of that movie with Kurt Russell and the shape shifter that turned out to be that old man that was protecting the alien cocoons because he was friends with Mahoney from the police academy. I wonder how it ended…”

Curtis was grinning smugly, “It sure was lucky for my character to encounter that herd of snow sheep, I like the way she was able to…”

I stopped him, “Please for the love of God don’t describe it again.”

Everyone else agreed with me, shuddering as they did so. Will had this hurt look in his eyes but there was a kind of resignation to it, “I am not sure I understand how my character ended up falling through a portal to the Sudetenland. How does he get back?”

“He doesn’t,” Norm nodded sadly. “Your character spends his entire life in a strange land he barely understands and dies alone and afraid.”

“So am I just supposed to sit here then?”

“Quietly please.”

“Not again.”

My luck hadn’t been any better but the way it happened is what really annoyed me, “So, my character was mugged while walking along a glacier?”

Norm glanced briefly at his charts, “You’re lucky that was all the ice negroes did to you.”

“Can you please not say crap like that?”

“Say what?”

“You’re racist stuff.” I explained. “It’s just… unpleasant and unnecessary.”

Everyone else kind of groaned with resignation and turned their attention to other matters. Norm said, “Oh I’m sorry I thought we had freedom of speech in this country. I didn’t realize that only Oprah and the liberal group-mind could say whatever they wanted.”

I turned to Will but he was too busy contemplating his character’s adventure free life and his adventure free evening. I was on my own. “Look, Norm I am not trying to get on your case but this stuff….” I said, “It’s just mean and it adds nothing to the game.”

“Will told me you were a writer so I thought you would be open minded.”

“Open minded to what?”

“To differing viewpoints and ideas,” Norm said, “I guess none of the stories you write will have characters with non touchy-feely points of view. They’ll probably hold hands and sway while talking about their love for puppies and kittens.”

“I’ll tell you what,” I replied, “if I ever do write a story that has a character with like you I will probably cringe the entire time and then drink a bottle of Robitussin to drown out the shame. And I doubt any rational thinking person would read such a thing. I mean if they did I would pity them.”

“Don’t worry Al,” Curtis put his arm around me, it was hairless and smelled of lotions, “you’ll get used to it.”

Mercifully before I could hear anymore, Daniel drowned us out, “Blah blah blah. My ninja makes it to the keep with only a trail of bodies to mark his passing.”

Now this was something I hadn’t realized before, “You’re playing a ninja?”

“I said ninja didn’t I?”

“You mean the ninja from the Dragon magazine article a few years back?”

Daniel took a tone with me that people usually reserved for slow children and inattentive dogs, “Yes. That was the issue with ninjas in it.”

I scratched my chin, trying to remember, “I thought they were only supposed to be used as NPCs.”

“Damn you just don’t know when to quit do you?”

Oh, did I mention that NPC stands for Non-Player Character? Those are the characters controlled by the game master to add color and adversaries to his game world. No, I just told you now didn’t I? It must be all the cough syrup I’ve been drinking.

“Enough of this,” Norm said, “Let’s all get back to our latest exciting adventure. I mean except for you Will.”

We spent a few hours having our characters meet up, explore the keep and buy new equipment. Our party decided to try and raid the nearby kobold lairs for easy treasure but first we needed to think about taking some precautions.

“No, Curtis.” I said, “I did not mean those kinds of precautions.”

Buddy said, “It’s too bad none of us wanted to play a cleric.”

Daniel’s sneer deepened, “That’s because clerics are wussies to be played by wussies.”

“I think I maybe played a cleric once,” Eddie said. “He wore a robe.”

“Hey we could hire a cleric, maybe a Vestigial Virgin.” Curtis suggested.

I said, “That’s not the way… never mind. Let’s just hire a cleric and get on with it.”

“No wait. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing really let's go on,” I wondered if I was going to piss everyone in the room off before the night was done.

“You rolled your eyes.” Curtis said, “What were you rolling your eyes at?”

“It’s nothing. It's just that you said ‘Vestigial Virgin’ when the term you were looking for is ‘Vestal Virgin’.”


I offered an apologetic smile, “Yup. I read it in my local library.”

“Oh my God.” Norm dropped his pencil, “You go to the library?”

“For the books yes.”

“But Librarians are fascists.”

I threw up my arms, “ What is wrong with libraries?”

Now it was Daniel’s turn to get into the insanity, “Well duh. They make you get a library card.”

“Yes.” I said, a little surprised to realize I was using the same tone Daniel had used with me. “So you can check out books. Which is what libraries are for, they’re places where you can borrow books for free as long as you have a library card. See? It’s a beautiful thing.”

Eddie tried to join in, “They have drinking fountains in libraries.”

Norm said, “The problem with libraries is the whole library card issue.”

Daniel was doing fake kung fu punches in the air, “They automatically assume you’re a criminal.”

“I’m not understanding this,” I said.

“The library card is a way they can track you.” Norm explained.

“Yes, so they know where to find you if you don’t return the books you borrow.”

“So since they make everyone get a library card they’re assuming that everyone that walks into the library is a criminal.”

Daniel gave the air a few more deadly chops, “The honor system should be enough.”

I was starting to understand them and I hated myself for it, “The honor system?”

“Yes,” Norm said, “the people that steal books are going to steal books anyway…”

Daniel nodded, “We sure are.”

“…The only thing a library card does is inconvenience honest people and allow the government to track the number of people reading Fanny Hill vs the number of people reading Mien Kampf.”

I slumped in my seat, “I’m stunned.”

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