Saturday, April 30, 2011

MOFFAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My daughter and I just finished watching DAY OF THE MOON and it was AWESOME!

Mr. Moffat is a mad wonderful genius!

I will leave it to Doctor Who fandom to go through the story frame by frame. All I can say is that we had a great time. And now here's a preview for next week episode.

 

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(Low Rent SuperVillain News) Mr. Universe ATTACKS!

Article via FARK.com

 

 

A man stripped down naked and kicked in the door of a neighbor’s house in Upper Chichester Monday night, declaring he was “Mr. Universe.”

He is facing charges of lewdness, indecent exposure and criminal mischief, police say.

Miguel Mateo Rodriguez, 27, startled a homeowner on the 400 block of Keanon Drive at about 11 p.m. Monday by busting through his door while wearing no clothes.

The homeowner called police after Rodriguez allegedly shouted “Happy New Year!” and ran out of the house, police say...

 

click here to learn more of the naked truth!

worst Robbery EVER (this week)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

HP Lovecraft's Vagina Monologes

Topless Robot made me fail my san roll!

 

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Peanut Makes His Move (an Excerpt from 'Chad's Oracles')

Peanut Makes His Move

(an excerpt from CHAD’S ORACLES)

by

Al Bruno III


Thelma continued to keep her silence about Chad and his Oracles. When the ambulance had arrived for Samantha, she had kept the details to a minimum. When the police pressed her for more she had only said that she heard a noise at the abandoned gas station and gone to investigate. Even now at Samantha’s wake she kept quiet.


That resolve had almost broken when Samantha’s mother had hugged Thelma and told her how glad she was that her daughter’s best friend had been there at the end. “If only she could have been more like you.” She had said. “You’re such a good girl.”


When the hug had ended, Thelma hadn’t been surprised to find the woman’s tears on her sleeve. Excusing herself Thelma had made her way to the front entrance of the funeral parlor. There was a fish tank there and she watched the exotic salt water specimens dart to and fro. She remembered the last warning from Chad’s oracles. “…you’re going to be in the hospital.”


In the hospital… That could mean anything and Thelma found her thoughts going from one morbid possibility to another. What did they have in mind for her? Was it something that would make her envy Samantha’s smashed skull and gouged eye?


It was more then the threat of bodily harm that was keeping her quiet however. There were secrets to be learned here, secrets more valuable than just the truth of what had happened to her friend. Secrets that she knew could change her life forever.


“Hey.” Peanut walked up beside her, he looked smart in his pale gray suit.


Thelma gave him a little smile, “Hey. You holding up?”


“I was going to ask you that,” his voice was already soft but he dropped it to a whisper. “You’re the one that found her.”


“I just wish I’d found her sooner you know?” By the time the ambulance had arrived Samantha was dead. The EMT’s had done very little to revive her, saying later that a head injury like the one she had suffered would have killed her instantly. Thelma was happy to keep their last conversation to herself, at least until she had made sense of it.


“I wonder if that Chad guy…”


Thelma shook her head, “I don’t know.”


They had called it ‘Death by misadventure.’ Thelma was sure Samantha would have loved that.


Peanut asked, “Did you tell the police about him?”


“What’s to tell?”


“I just wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.”


“Oh I’m fine,” her reassuring smile faltered when she saw how hard he was staring at her. “What’s wrong?”


“I love you.” He said.


“Oh Peanut…”


“Steven, my name is Steven. I’m tired of that nickname. It’s not who I’m supposed to be.”


“Uh, Steven? You’re upset.,” Thelma felt like blushing on his behalf.


“Winston? That Chad guy? All those others? They don’t give a shit about you. Not really.”


“This… this isn’t the time.”


“There is a never a right time when you’re someone like me but you have to know how I feel. I’ll go crazy if you don’t.”


“Well…” Thelma looked back to the viewing room, to the ornate white and gold casket. The lid was closed and a blown up picture of Samantha from 1981’s yearbook was on an easel beside it. “I’m very flattered Pea- I mean Steven.”


“You don’t have to do anything about this yet,” he said, “just promise me we can go out when all this blows over. If you just go out with me you’ll see how I feel.”


“This is a little sudden.”


“I know. I know. We are supposed to be here for Samantha but she’d been telling me to say something to you for the longest time.”


“She did? She was?” That was a surprise; Thelma had always assumed Samantha was keeping Peanut/Steven in reserve for herself.


“Yeah. We talked about you a lot. I was worried Winston was going to ruin you.”


“Ruin?” Thelma said. Ruin? I’m a girl not an egg salad.


“Samantha said you were scared of having a real boyfriend. She said every kiss is practice…”


“…until the right kisser comes along.” Thelma finished for him.


That was Samantha’s second favorite bit of canned wisdom, and it was kind of sweet and profound in a way. Then again Samantha’s favorite saying had always been, “It’s not the face you fuck, it’s the fuck you face.”


“What else did she have to say about me?”


“Nothing. Just good stuff. You were like the only girl on Earth she liked,” he took her hand, “we should go out for her if nothing else. Give it a chance and see what happens.”


“Look I can’t think about this right now.”


“I know. I know,” he said, “but could I have your number, could we at least start with that?”


“Oh look. There’s my Dad.”



To read more check out my serial novel CHAD’S ORACLES


5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Eight

From the very first time Nova-Flame teamed up with the Pyro-Braniac they got along like a house on fire.

The trailer for the upcoming DOCTOR WHO episode DAY OF THE MOON

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5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Seven

Once he realized the prostitute had an electroshock weapon he started screaming “Don't tase me Ho!”

(Low Rent SuperVillain News) Man Dressed As Cow Steals Milk From WalMart

Link found via FARK.com

 

Walmart shoppers in Stafford County saw the sight of their lives Tuesday night—a cow, on all fours, trying to score gallons of milk.

An 18-year-old man dressed up in a cow suit stole 26 gallons of milk around 10:35 p.m. from the Garrisonville Walmart, Stafford County Sheriff’s spokesman Bill Kennedy said...

 

click here to read more of this mooooooving strory

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES still mourns the passing of Paul Naschy


(as should we all. He was one of us.)


Click here to visit MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES



GONE AND FORGOTTEN continues to skewer CONTINUITY COMICS (truthfully I always thought Ms. Mystic was kinda hot...)

 

Special insider knowledge for you aficionados of Urth 4: The guy who turned into Urth would suddenly find himself speaking in a Thor-ful pidgin Elizabethan dialect whenever he transformed and also, believe it or not, his name was Dwight Godd. Of the Pennsylvania Godds. Here’s some more special insider knowledge for you aficionados of Urth 4: There are no aficionados of Urth 4.

 

Click here to read the rest

HEROPRESS introduces us to the world of OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS

Thanks to the Acrobatic Flea I am now enjoying the webcomic OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS

 

This is the one HEROPRESS had on the subject of my beloved DOCTOR WHO

 

Now these gems came from the OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS site.  

Now be sure to stop by both sites and show them some sweaty dirty Internet love.

PLAID STALLIONS has found the soul-rending terror that is THE NECRONOMICOUCH!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

CHAD'S ORACLES chapter twelve

IN THIS TWILIGHT

Chad’s Oracles


Chapter Twelve


By AL BRUNO III




Thelma French spent the rest of the night and part of the next day gagged and trussed up. None of the girls had been particularly happy at her screaming and kicking in the middle of the night. In the morning they moved her to one of the other rooms, one that had a lockable door and a window that had been painted shut. Thelma fought like crazy but by force of numbers they managed to handcuff her to this room’s radiator. When they took the gag out of her mouth to offer her some water and a Pop Tart she just started screaming.


So the Oracles gagged her again but not before she’d managed to give Laurie a good hard bite on the finger.


By the time the sun was high in the sky Thelma’s stomach was growling and her bowels were groaning but as far as she was concerned if they were content to let her go hungry and wet herself then she was more than willing to do so. Not like this. She ran the thought through her head again and again, Not here and not like this.


Finally Chad had come to see her. He had sat down beside her like a parent about to chide an unruly child. “What…” he asked, “...are you trying to accomplish here?”


Thelma couldn’t speak but she was sure her glare was enough to make her feelings known.


“You can’t tell me you didn’t know what you were getting into here. You talked to the Oracles. You saw the Squonks. You know what happened to your friend Samantha. There were no surprises here,” he leaned down until they were eye to eye, “you know you’re father’s going to be all right. He’s going to live for years. Now we have to discover what else you can see.”


His proximity reminded her of their kiss and that set her trembling. She tried to roll away, cursing through the gag.


Chad sighed, “I had expected you to be a little more enthusiastic, a little more grateful.”


Grateful? Thelma could have wept.


“The girls and I have some errands to run,” he said, “we have to stock up on groceries and stop by the hardware store. Don’t worry though, the Squonks will be here to make sure nothing bad happens to you. Since we can’t trust you, you’re going to have to go hungry but that’s OK, the Eagoryl works faster on an empty stomach.”


No! She tried to shout through the gag, No!


Chad watched her for a moment, his expression souring; he opened his mouth to speak but then turned to go locking the door on the way out.


*


The hours crept by. Every once in a while she would hear the plodding footsteps of one of the Squonks but she never glimpsed them. She thought to herself that Chad certainly kept his monsters well trained. Every once in a while she tested her bonds but her panic was no match for metal. Thelma considered that she couldn’t have been the first unwilling member of their little tribe. She wondered what became of those other ersatz Oracles. Had they eventually succumbed or were their bodies buried in some watery corner of the basement?


Hunger and thirst made a misery of her, robbing her of her earlier defiance. There was something else prickling at her as well, a tingling ache that seemed to radiate from the center of her forehead. A headache or a migraine? She supposed that considering her situation it was to be expected.


He’s doing this to control me. She told herself, To break my spirit.


When she finally lost control of her bowels she felt tears well up but she refused to give in and cry. Instead she thought and planned for tonight. Chad thought he was going to dope her up again but she wouldn’t let him. Anyone that tried to fill her mouth with crap again was going to get more than a nip on the finger


Let them come. She thought, Let them come.


*


She spent her second day in the locked room passing in and out of consciousness. Her waking hours she spent making noise and trying to get her captors attention. She still heard the Squonks muttering and clomping around, she was sure that one of the big goons had paused outside the door for a time. Had he peeked through the keyhole? Why didn’t they do something?


“…the Squonks will be here to make sure nothing bad happens to you …”


Wasn’t this bad enough? If it wasn’t, then how prepared were they willing to let it get?


The migraine had settled in for the long haul, it seemed to draw strength from the aching hunger, the burning thirst and the sickly feel of her own filth against her skin. Some part of her longed for the Eagoryl, for the chance to shrug off her sullied flesh and float free, to see prophesies and mysteries splayed out before her.


Would it be so bad… Some damnable part of her wondered. Would it be so bad to give in to a boy’s wishes? Just once?


Of course she knew better. To give in would be to submit and to submit would mean to allow herself to be defined by someone else. Oracle or whore? She’d didn’t want to be either.


But she was so thirsty. After the sun set she tried to occupy her mind with the stars. The tiny pinpricks of light taunted her, their brightness at once dazzlingly close and yet drawing away. There was no way in her present state that she could keep a proper count of them so she just let her gaze flit back and forth from star to star as though she were trying to forge constellations from the aching nonsense her thoughts had been reduced to.


Finally in the dead of night the door clicked open and she saw Chad standing there wreathed in the light from the hallway. She sobbed with relief at the sight of him. She tried to beg him for a drink or a scrap of food or just a moment with her hands free so she could feel sensation return to them. The words were guttural and choking, the rag that had been stuffed into her mouth left her on the verge of gagging. He stared at her for a few moments and then closed the door again.



Click Here To Continue




5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Seven

Superheroes gained powers from accidents all the time, and after the Viagra factory explosion Ralph found he had hardened defenses.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Six

Lynn wasn't sure what kind of plastic surgery her sister wanted so she got her a lift certificate.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Five

Supervillain chef Julia Infant bragger her a robot was made out of meat byproducts but most people thought it was full of baloney.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Four

It was genius for Abner Deggent to disguise himself as an ape, it was bad luck he did it during mating season.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Nine Hundred and Forty Three

His sex life began with him alone in a room touching himself, after 30 years of marriage that is pretty much how it ended too.

Thanks to GEEKS OF DOOM I now know about 'the Human CentiPad' and I may never forgive them.

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Sarah Jane

Well maybe in the end she was our Sarah Jane.

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The Al Bruno III Ebook library continues to expand!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Foreplay On The Edge Of Forever part seven

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Six

Foreplay On The Edge Of Forever

part seven





It was almost Christmas and I was following my yearly tradition of not buying gifts for anyone. This wasn't because I was thoughtless mind you, it was because I was financially irresponsible and thoughtless.


Despite that I had been considering getting Ramona some jewelry. Just a little gift before semester finals wrapped up and she headed back upstate. Despite her initial reluctance I could feel her warming up to me, at the very least there was a goodbye kiss in my future if not a goodbye sudden fumble for the breast.


Meanwhile the impending holidays brought family gatherings and of course family gatherings brought migraines...



*



Uncle Stewart and his brood were visiting; it was him, my aunt and my three cousins. There was 18 year old Marie, 15 year old Herman and 10 year old Johnny. It was a big family gathering and I could already detect the rumblings of this year’s brawl. My mom, stepfather, brother, Aunt, Uncle, grandmother and great grandmother were all starting to argue over who was going to use the ‘family boat’ and when. That of course left the kids eating dinner in the family room.


For those of you keeping score at home, my seventeen year old brother was sitting at the adults table while yours truly, nineteen years old and somewhat known to woman, was sitting at the kids table.


Humiliation thy name is family.


Also, my sister had run away again, at times like this I missed her even more.


“I just don't understand why they're arguing about it when they haven't even finished restoring the boat.” I poked at my Salisbury steak.


Marie said, “You should see the bathing suit I have picked out, my Dad's going to let me wear a bikini this year.”


“Uh, that's great.” I blushed.


I should get it out right here and now that during our prepubescent years, back before unplanned visits and family vacations had been replaced by feuds and recriminations, my cousin Marie and I had crushed on each other pretty hard. In the years since she had blossomed into a beautiful young woman but regardless of what you might think of me dear reader, I wasn't going there. That kind of thing can lead to the birth of disabled children or worse yet reality show stars. Thing is I think she was still a little sweet on me.


Herman said, “Dad says that he's afraid your stepfather is going to drive the boat drunk.”


“That's a valid concern but how do we know your Dad wouldn't do the same?” I said, “This family is one big open bar.”


“Man your brother's right, you do think your shit don't stink.”


“Not true, it’s just that unlike Phil I flush the toilet when I'm done.”


It was at this point that my ten year old cousin Johnny announced, “You know Adolph Hitler was a great man.”


I am sure you all know how much it stings when soda comes out your nose, imagine what it feels like to expel a piece of semi-chewed Salisbury steak that way. “What? What did you say?”


“I said-”


“No wait. I heard what you said but why the Hell are you saying it?”


“Because it’s true.”


I would have leapt up from the kids’ table in indignation but it was so low to the ground that I couldn't get the leverage or momentum. “Where is this coming from? A few months ago you were all about The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers now you're all about Hitler Youth?”


Johnny looked at me like I was idiot, “Maybe that's because I finally understand the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is part of the Jewish Conspiracy to encourage race mixing.”


“Wow, you're spewing crazy talk at an eighth grade level at least. Your parents must be so proud.”


Marie gave me a sly look, “Remember what happened to us the summer before you went into ninth grade?”


“You damn well know my hand slipped.” I replied calmly.


Now it was Herman's turn to stick the knife in, in a way it was so nice to see them taking turns, “Phil says he beat you up on your way to Karate class.”


“You're sadly mistaken.” I said, “It was Tae Kwon Do class.”


Johnny snorted, “I don't know why you would want to spend your cash learning a non American fighting style.”


“The classes on pro wrestling were all booked up.”


Marie asked, “Have you seen the movie The Princess Bride yet? We should totally go.”


“I'm kind of busy with final exams.” I said.


Marie looked crestfallen, I'm sure she just probably wanted to get out of the house for a little while. Her parents were determined to keep her pure via a combination of restrictions, surveillance and the occasional restraining order. It didn't matter though, all my energies were fixated on term papers and Ramona.


The voices in the dining room becoming louder and louder I sighed miserably and hoped things would stay civil until we had exchanged presents.


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Happy Easter Everyone!!!