The specialized moves in the sport of Extreme Nerd Cagefighting are 'the Windmill', 'the Kick and Run' and 'the Slappy Shatner'.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
His wife just didn't understand him anymore, mostly because he refused to speak anything but Klingon.
"I died and went to Valhalla," Hrothgar explained, "but it was like a popularity contest with broadswords."
Abner Deggent believed that you should speak softly and carry a big stick. And a handgun. And some dynamite. And condoms.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Martha Frick sat on the edge of the yellow and orange flower-patterned chair Billy bought for five dollars at a yard sale and waited to accept condolences from the handful of mourners. The very chair where Billy was sitting when the stuffed and mounted moose head broke away from the wall and struck and killed him...
"You must take my word Grace, Matt is a fine young gentleman. He's kind and very bright. And he's a businessman, he's got his own fishmonger's"; she said talking to Grace and the rest of the customers, who nodded interestedly in return...
MADISON (WKOW) -- Police arrested a man from Racine after he slammed his SUV into Visions Night Club.
Officers say 50-year-old Keith Rasmussen was asked to leave the club after vomiting in the VIP area. After that, witnesses told police Rasmussen got into his SUV, put it in reverse and slammed into the club's entrance. Police say the entrance has significant damage...
...When police pulled up to Rasmussen's vehicle, an officer asked him how he was doing. Rasmussen replied, "Not good," but he had "seen some nice strippers."
Rasmussen denied driving the SUV and claimed he arrived at the location thanks to help from "Martians."
Thursday, July 8, 2010
When I saw the little girl my blood went cold and I instantly remembered that day from almost 30 years ago...
Bern was a meticulous planner often sketching out every contiguous detail. His current scheme, however, was born spontaneously in order to take full advantage of Natasha's proclamation that they were leaving for San Diego in the morning...
Of all the super heroes in the world the powers of Dismembro were considered the most disgusting.
Many suggested it about time that Mighty Woman updated her armored costume but she was very attached to it welded into it actually.
Judy would have been better at witchcraft but she was a terrible cook.
Pricing Paradox Protection kept people from buying time machines and using them to see time machines would go on sale.
He quit his job by setting his pants on fire, he was always one for burning his britches.
He was very excited at the prospect of wife-swapping but then he found out he had to take his old wife back when it was over.
The Maven deduced Limerick Master's true identity! He really was a young man from Nantucket! But the rest was all lies.
Abner Deggent tried to smuggle the stolen idol off the island by hiding it in his ass but the damn mule kicked the crap out of him.
Professor Lindquist spent a year running tests on sleeping fish only to discover that a dream is a wish your carp makes.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
They are out of bread in the Wastelands but there is still plenty of ale; I will show you beer and a handful of crust.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
In The Shadow Of His Nemesis
Chapter Seventy One
By AL BRUNO III
Saturday, December 4th 1996
By now the room was a shambles, every one of the dresser drawers had been emptied and then pulled out. Books had been unceremoniously yanked from their shelves and roughly shaken out before being tossed aside. Pictures had been taken from the walls and chairs had been overturned. Tarot cards were scatter throughout the room like a carpet of oversized confetti. After looking under the bed Jason Magwier had given up. Now he sat cross-legged on the floor with his head resting on his chin. “Destiny is like a room full of doors, some are labeled, some aren’t. Even if you think you know what you’re looking for you might not get what you expect,” his sighed, “I’ll tell her that someday but she won’t understand. She’ll think I’m being cryptic.”
Roxanne didn’t want to hear his rambling but she had awoken to find herself expertly hogtied and gagged. Her head ached and blood was slowly weeping from the gash on her head to smear on the carpet.
“It has to be you,” Magwier got to his feet, “you’re an outcast Lunt and an Oracle to boot.”
Roxanne watched him kick contemplatively through the piles of dresses and lingerie on the floor. “I wish I was an Oracle, so much simpler than seeing futures.”
One of the candles had burned its way down to the base of the candleholder, the flame sputtered clinging to life. The grandfather clock in the far corner of the room began to chime but Magwier had deliberately miss-set the hands rendering the hollow rings meaningless.
If she could just spit the gag out she would have given the loudest scream of her life but all she could do was squirm in place and silently will Jack to come to her room. She should have seen this coming. Hadn’t the Hanged Man and the Devil shown up in every tarot spread she dealt? Roxanne had just assumed the little twerp had come for someone, or something else.
Magwier stood in front of the mirror, glaring accusingly at his reflection. “What are you up to?” he asked with a voice that was quiet and rhetorical.
The familiar sound of wind chimes, the cries of the spirits bound to Laurel House began to echo through the hallways. Roxanne didn’t like the sound of them, tried to speak through the gag but she was ignored. Magwier was searching the room again going through every corner and closet with renewed fury. He as breaking things now, tearing things open and apart.
“Where is it?” he said, “it couldn’t have just walked off by itself! At least not that quickly....”
What is it? She tried to scream, What do you want?
“Hmmmmm... If I were a voco spurcamen where would I be?” He swept things from the writing desk to the floor, then bent to retrieve a letter opener. He prodded his index finger with the pointed end and puzzled at it, “A letter opener? What would you need a letter opener for here?”
Grinning he threw the letter opener up into the air embedding the pointed end into the ceiling. He admired his handiwork for a time then said, “What did the Monarchs promise you? Money? Power? Love?”
She glared at him as he drew closer his eyes full of menace and accusation. He said “Knowing you it must have been love. In the end love makes monsters of us all. I should know.”
Azathoth the lord of chaos pulsed to the sound of idiot piping, yet it found the sound of the vuvuzela pretty fucking annoying.
After twenty-five years of marriage the only thing that upset her more than her husband was the thought of living without him.
Abner Deggent grinned as the native girls undressed him, he had misheard when they said they were there to baste him.
To Lorelei the best part of magic was learning the secrets of the cosmos and using that knowledge to beat the crap out of someone.
Supervillian Chef Julia Infant hated it when her pastry-based minions were called Doughnut Men she preferred People of Cruller.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Price Breaks and Heartaches
A journal of retail and failed romance
Panties Half Off
...It was just another day in the nondescript city, none of the generic citizens heading into the local bank would ever have expected a bank robbery but our heroes were ready for it.
This bank got robbed every week.
A man wearing a dark fedora and a trenchcoat charged into the bank. He felled two of the henchmen with his wrist-mounted ice ray and then smirked, “I’m Frost and you two better cool off!”
The next man through the door wore a flashily colored hazmat suit. He shot waves of fast-acting bubonic plague from the palms of his hands. As another pair of thugs collapsed the man in the hazmat suit said, “Hi guys! I’m Patient Zero and I’ve got a feeling the urge to surrender is getting pretty infectious!”
Then the front window of the bank crashed inwards and a man wearing a pointy-eared cowl snarled at hostages and criminals alike. He pulled a sawed-off shotgun from beneath his flowing black cape and began firing wildly. “Die motherfuckers!” he screamed as the air was filled with screams and bloodstained deposit slips, “Diiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”...
I looked up from map covered with miniature cardboard super heroes, villains and ordinary citizens. Gordon was holding his CHAMPIONS rulebook against his chest. Adrian was the first of us to speak, “I thought you were playing Batman.”
“Oh no,” Daniel said, “My guy is named Bat-Shit, because he’s like Batman but he’s batshit crazy.”
“Well...” I commented, “you can’t say he wasn’t roleplaying.”
Adrian nodded, “Right now I can’t say anything at all. I’m kinda stunned.”
That’s right folks, we were playing another role playing game. Back in my days these pen and paper games were the closest thing we had to the shared world mayhem of something like THE WORLD OF WARCRAFT. You didn’t need a computer, or a broadband connection, all you needed was the kind of creativity that can only come from social maladjustment and soul crushing loneliness.
While we might not have to deal with monthly fees or server crashes we pen and paper role playing gamers still had to deal with moments like this. Adrian you see was the game master, he had written and planned out an adventure for our heroes and now it was completely derailed.
Trust me, all of us old-school nerds have been there at one time or another.
“Talk amongst yourselves for a few minutes OK?” Adrian began pawing through his ring binders and game supplement books, “I just need to make a few quick changes.”
Daniel grinned, “My character is even more awesome that you expected right?”
“Riiiiiiiiight.” I said.
“So how are things with the Panty Patrol?” Gordon asked as he opened up his second 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew for the day.
“Busy,” I explained, “busier than I expected really. Working in women's’ clothing isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.”
Adrain dropped his pencil, “I knew it!”
“No it’s not like that,” I explained, “I’m working at the Julia Shop now.”
Daniel snickered, “Are they paying you in merchandise?”
“Up yours!” I cleverly retorted. (I think it was Shakespeare that first used that particular retort.)
“Hey!” Gordon said, “Show the man a little respect. He landed a job that puts him in close contact with women every day. Women with money and needs that only he can fulfill. Woman eager to take off their clothes right on the premisses.”
“Wow,” Adrain’s hand tightened around his dice bag.
Daniel gave me an apologetic look, “I didn’t know...”
I blushed, “Actually I mostly work in the stockroom all by myself.”
“I KNEW IT!” Adrian and Daniel shared a high-five.
Gordon punched me in the arm, “What the Hell is the deal? Do you want people to think you’re a doofus for the rest of your life?”
“I’m not sure if I have a choice,” I said, “this could be one of those nature versus nurture things.”
Daniel rolled his eyes, “Come on, everyone in the class of 1986 knows who he’s still pining away for Lilly.”
“Lilly?” Adrian stroked his chin, isn’t she still hooked up with Jessie Manson?”
“The guy that can crush walnuts against his abs?”
“Wow Al,” Adrian nodded ruefully, “is your life really that sad?”
I sighed with exasperation, “All I know is that I wish that I had Jessie’s girl...”
“Jessie's’ girl?” Gordon asked.
“Why can’t a find a woman-” a sob caught in my throat, “why can’t I find a woman like that?”
“Ok guys... lets get back to the game!” Adrian said.
...the three costumed men stood among the bodies arguing about the fine line between costumed crimefighters and masked vigilantes. Patient Zero and Batshit were starting to shove each other, Frost was looking for a convenient side exit.
“Nice try you young whipper snappers...” a voice interrupted them. One of the customers stood, her dowdy dress was peppered with buckshot holes, there was blood in her blue rinsed hair. “But my healing powers are more than a match for you.”
“And who the Hell are you supposed to be?” Batshit laughed as he reloaded his sawed off shotgun.
Steel claws popped out of the backs of her hands and she lunged at them. The last thing the heroes heard was her name...
“Auntie Mame?” I scratched my head in confusion.
“No,” Adrian said, “Auntie Maim.”