Saturday, November 13, 2010

Roadside Velvet part fourteen

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Four

Roadside Velvet

part fourteen

Joanna never passed or showed up again, much to my relief. Paul borrowed my car regularly to scout for new sites. He told us he had a few new leads but for now he wanted to stay in Herkimer. Of course all that changed the day Athena sent me back to our motel to get her a fresh shirt.


“…and I told my Dad the reason I shoplift is because he never showed me any love. Bastard! Bastard!” Conrad had been talking the entire ride back to the motel room. I didn’t mind really, I was just glad to be driving my own car again. Paul had taken it for the last three afternoons leaving my coworkers and I stranded until he came back and sometimes he came back pretty late. Besides Conrad’s style of conversation was more of a weepy monologue than a give and take of concepts and ideas. “I couldn’t stay in that house any more so I moved out and I was so lucky I found Paul. He helped me out with money and food and all he needed me to do in return was get a few credit cards in my name that he could use to invest in inventory….”

We were heading back to the motel because Athena had opened a soda can only to have it explode all over her. One moment she had been chatting away and sharing lunch with me and the next a caffeinated beverage was spraying everywhere reducing her white t-shirt to near transparency. The realization that she wasn’t wearing a bra coupled with the realization her breasts now tasted like Mountain Dew caused my brain to lock up. I stood there staring at her with the kind of expression you might find on a chimpanzee trying to solve a quadratic equation.

If I had been a little quicker on the draw I might have been able to gain some favor in Athena’s eyes by offering her my shirt, and I would been able to flash her my nearly defined abs. Sadly Conrad beat me to it, whipping off his shirt and handing it to the mortified girl. She climbed into the back of the U-Haul truck to get changed. The sight of Conrad’s squinty nipples snapped me from my catatonic state. His armpits were hairless and I was about to ask why when Athena stepped out of the back of the U-Haul wearing his powder blue t-shirt.

It was a tight fit at best and it left her midriff exposed. Athena asked me to drive back to the motel and get her a shirt that fit but my brain had locked up again. It took a pinch from Conrad to get my synapses firing in the right order.

I told Athena I would drive her back to the motel but she told me she couldn’t leave. Apparently Paul had insisted she be the only one handling the cash today. I didn’t know what to make of that but I told her I would take care of it. She gave me her key, this wasn’t the way I wanted to get into her room but I supposed it was a start.

Then Conrad offered to come along with me saying that he needed to get a shirt of his own. I shrugged and let him in my car.

“…and Lonnie told me to come back home but I said no. No way. I was living with Paul’s mother and everything was great. My family were pretty upset but Paul smoothed things over by giving most of them jobs of one kind or another…” Conrad just kept talking.

But I didn’t hear him. I was too busy replaying Athena’s impromptu wet t-shirt contest through my head like it was the Zaptruder film.

We got to the motel; Conrad went into the room that he and I shared, I headed into Athena’s. I was gentlemanly enough not to riffle through her unmentionables; at the tender age of nineteen I had vowed the only way I would paw through a girl’s underwear was if she was in it. I got one of Athena’s blouses and headed back out to the car.

And then I heard the screaming, well it was one half screaming the other half caterwauling. I saw Conrad arguing with the lady that ran the motel. Clutching the blouse close to me I approached to see what was wrong.

Conrad had a full head of steam going, “…this isn’t my problem! You talk to Paul! I don’t want to hear it!”

“You people have got to start paying for your rooms in advance. This is not how I do business.” The lady that ran the motel had seemed like a decent sort but as the week wore on she was losing her patience with us. You see the check out time was 10 AM but Paul never checked us out, he just showed up whenever and paid for another day. I mentioned to him that we should have paid ahead and he just snorted explaining that he would only do that if he got a significant discount.

I tried to get between them, “Uh, excuse me?”

“Don’t bother Al! She’s being unreasonable.”

“Unreasonable?” the motel manager’s face was a snarl.

I tried again, “You know I happen to have gotten paid recently, I’m sure that I have more than enough cash to cover today and tomorrow for all the rooms.”

“No!” Conrad shrieked, “Don’t you give in to her! She’s just trying to shake us down.”

“Why you little-” the motel manager looked like she was going to punch him, I should have let her.

Instead I kept my voice even, “Hey Conrad how about you go under the car and check for leaks?”

The motel manager got into my face next, “I want all of you out of here!”

“Oh no, please let’s not go so far. We can settle this amicably,” I started talking faster and dabbed at my sweaty forehead with Athena’s blouse. “This is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“You all get out of here before I call the police!” With every syllable she spoke her face turned redder.

“I don’t care!” Conrad’s voice was shrill, “You talk to Paul. Just go back to your office and sit on your fat ass!”

“I’ll just go empty the rooms now,” I said with a defeated sigh.

She retreated back to the front desk shouting, “Now I am calling the police! You and your boyfriend have five minutes to clear out!”

“What? He’s not my boyfriend!”

“You’ve got five minutes.”

“Wait,” I started after her. “Let’s settle this whole ‘boyfriend’ thing first. I am totally straight.”

“Get away from me!”

“I mean sure I haven’t actually done it yet but I’m good to go.”

“Just get out of here!”

“I have a copy of JUGGS magazine in my suitcase, is that proof enough for you? It’s the one where they published my letter to the editor!”

She slammed the motel office door in my face so I turned away and helped Conrad hurriedly unpack everyone’s rooms into my car.

“Boy,” he grinned at me. “She sure was a bitch huh?”

I frowned, “You would know.”


Once we got back to Athena we found Paul and Debbie waiting for us there, they had bought her a t-shirt at a nearby truck stop. The sight of her wearing a ‘PARTY NAKED’ t-shirt made my brain lock up all over again. This gave Conrad time to blurt out “Guess what? Al got us thrown out of the motel.”

Click Here To Continue


Stephen pulled his paddle out of the water, lay it across his lap and glided in the yellow kayak. The sound of dripping filled his ears. Raindrops plopped in the water all around him. Water pooled on the the rim of his vinyl hood and dripped onto his arms and chest. His tears mingled with the raindrops and ran into his collar...

click here to read the rest

(Recommended Reads) THE SUM OF HIS DEEDS by Michael Solender

From the corner of his eye Arne Carlson could just see tiny snippets of life unfolding outside of his hospice window. Young children were playing ball at the park adjacent to the property and several moms, with pony tails bobbing, gathered around strollers were sharing animated conversation. Arne let his mind drift to those simple pleasures he had once enjoyed...

click here to read the rest

A really nice mash up cover from THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD THE LOST ISSUES

I approve of ADVENTURES IN NERDLINESS' Nerd Girl Of Note #87

Erin Cummings first came to my attention in Bitch Slap, but she has done other work, much of which is on television, such as Detroit 1-8-7, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, as well as episodes of Mad Men, Nip/Tuck, Dollhouse, Cold Case, and The Bold and the Beautiful. She's even a Star Trek alumnus, appearing in Star Trek: Enterprise, where she is credited simply as "Prostitute #1" from the episode "Carpenter Street."...



Click here to read the rest

TWITCHFILM shows us the trailer for JUNGLE DIPER TARZAN

I have no words...


click here to visit TWITCHFILM

Friday, November 12, 2010

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty

Early to bed and early to rise but she still fell asleep at her desk most afternoons.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty Nine

Soon the penalty for pirating adult films was to work in the industry. There is no recidivism after a week as a donkey fluffer.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty Eight

1821: His ring-shaped bandages for bunions were ahead of their time. His calling them 'Corn Holes' was a critical mistake.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty Seven

Ralph's years of management experience taught him that fiendish laughter motivated employees far more than the occasional pep talk.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

CORPSE WARS: Attack Of The Crones episode two

Corpse Wars by Jorge Prieto


Attack of the Crones

episode two


Al Bruno III

Within the few days life as a refugee from the zombie apocalypse settled into a kind of routine. The army kept everyone within the Watervliet Arsenal safe and secure but if you were outside the walls you were on your own.

All government shelters had closed their doors to new arrivals but that hadn’t kept people from gathering there in hopes they would be saved. They surrounded the facility on all sides, a sea of displaced middle class Americans, crowded together and desperate.

Not that things were any better inside the Arsenal. Every bit of space was being used. Everything felt crowded and there was always some kind of noise in the air, be it the growl of generators, the cries of babies or the staccato of soldiers barking orders back and forth.

Mark Bradford spent his days wandering around aimlessly. After the ‘Heirloom Incident’ he tried to spend as little time as possible in the tent he shared with his parents.

Everywhere he went people were hungry for news. If their army protectors knew anything at all they were being tight lipped about it. All questions were answered with a curt, “The situation is being brought under control.”

At first the refugees in the Watervliet Arsenal had kept in touch with the outside world via cell phones, computers and social media but one by one everyone’s batteries were running out of juice and none of the powers that be were letting anyone use their chargers.

“Conservation of resources,” was the reason given.

Mark supposed it made sense but as he made his way through the maze of tents he kept wondering about his Farmville account. Everything must be ruined by now, he didn’t like to think about all those hours of hard work that had gone to waste.

Suddenly Mark spied a familiar face in the crowd.

“Alec?” he called, “Hey Alec!”

The older man looked around in confusion at the sound of his name. When he spotted Mark he grinned. Alec Stratton was paunchy and kept his wild gray hair anchored under a baseball cap that was embroidered with the saying; 'JEDI’S DO IT WITH FORCE'. There were a lot of things Mark admired about Alec; such as his easygoing manner, his wisdom and his experience.

But the thing that Mark admired the most about him was that he had seen the original Star Wars on the night of its premiere. The original effects, the original sound mix: he had seen it all. To hear him talk about it that night had been like Woodstock for nerds.

“Hey kid!” Alec gave him a friendly handshake, “I was wondering how you were doing.”

“I’m fine,” Mark said, “thanks to you.”

“You’d have done the same for me,” Alec said, “where are your parents? I’d love to say Hi.”

“Maybe not right now. They’re kind of stressed.”


“The end of the world will do that.”

Alec chuckled, “End of the world? If we survived the Star Wars Christmas Special we can survive this.”

They walked and talked for a time, pausing for a moment to listen to the old woman preaching fire and brimstone to anyone that would listen. Her delivery left a lot to be desired but she had stationed herself near the Port-a-potties guaranteeing herself a captive audience.

“This way,” Alec led Mark towards the far wall, “I’ve got someone for you to meet.”

The tents and refugees thinned out and soon Mark was walking around busy soldiers and boxed ordinance. Both made him feel nervous and inadequate. When a sergeant tried to turn them back, Alec explained “I need to talk to Harry.”

The sergeant nodded and let them climb up onto the wall where a heavy set man in disheveled fatigues dangled MREs over the edge of the wall. “Who’s hungry?” he cried.

Mark looked down the wall to see part of the crowd that had missed their chance to be admitted into the Arsenal. They were practically salivating at the sight of the military rations.

“This is Harry,” Alec said.

“Come on!” Harry cried at the people below him, “You want this? Then show me your tits!”

Someone did.

“No!” Harry cried with disgust, “I meant your daughter.”

Mark felt himself starting to blush, should he look? Was this exploitation or Girls Gone Wild territory?

After another pause Harry said, “No wait. Not your daughter. You again.”

“Come on man,” Alec said.

Harry dropped the handful of MREs with a semi-satisfied shrug. Then he turned, “Who’s this guy?”

“I’m Mark,” he offered his hand to shake but the other man left it hanging there.

“Don’t worry,” Alec said, “he’s cool.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, “He better be.”

Mark asked, “What’s this about?”

“You haven’t told him yet?”

Alec said, “I figured you should.”

There was a flurry of shouts and curses down on the other side of the wall, Harry ignored it. “Can you keep a secret kid?”

“Uh...sure...” Mark replied.

“Because I don’t need what we’re doing to get out to the general public.”

“What are we.-” Mark paused, “I mean what are you doing?”

Harry leaned in closer, the scent of his body odor nearly knocked the younger man off his feet. “I’ve got a D&D game going. First edition, invitation only.”

Dungeons and Dragons?” Mark was relieved and appalled.

Harry put a finger to his lips, “Shhhhhhhh! The two things soldiers crave most are role playing games and porno and I don’t supply either to anyone but a select few.”

“Look!” Alec pointed off into the distance.

A mass of zombies was approaching, they were everywhere. A wave of panic surged through the people trapped outside the walls of the Watervliet Arsenal. They screamed and rushed towards the walls, stampeding each other, going wild with terror.

Mark and Alec watched the scene unfold before them with mute horror. Harry said, “Looks like the game is gonna have a late start tonight...”

Click Here To Continue

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty Six

The on-call doctor stared at the man's lacerated groin in confusion until he realized what the EMT's had meant by a 'head injury'.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty Five

As a young man he wanted to become an action hero like in the movies, by 40 he was just a whacky neighbor like in a sitcom.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty Four

“For the last time-” Captain Hero poked Amazing Ed in the chest for emphasis, “-there is no 'Casual Friday' for crimefighters!”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty Three

Once the sex toy manufacturer bought the puzzle game factory the creation of the 'Pubic's Cube' was inevitable.

PLAID STALLIONS gives us a catalog picture that is worth 1,000 words

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What is weirder? His answer or the results of his answer?

Meanwhile in the TARDIS...

This is one of the "meanwhile in the TARDIS" clips, which show what happened in between stories...



Click here to visit i09 for more DOCTOR WHO goodness!



As I was watching this Australian film I couldn't help thinking of another one of my favorite Aussie movies, Peter Weir's Picnic at Hanging Rock.  Both films deal with not only the loss of a young life, but also the loss of innocence, or what we as adults want to believe is innocence...


click here to read the rest


(And if you haven't seen LAKE MUNGO yet- DO IT!)

My life in six words-

Nothing I expected.


Everything I needed.

(Insane News) They're Going To Make A Movie About RUBIK'S CUBE?


Rubik’s Cube, the multicolored plastic puzzle block that has singularly sustained the GDP of Hungary ever since its invention in the 1970s, is the latest inanimate object of nostalgic affection to land its own movie deal, with the Creative Arts Agency reportedly talking to various producers about developing a film based on something, anything to do with this thing it just bought because everyone else was getting toys and pretty soon all the good toys were going to be gone...

click here to read the rest at A.V. CLUB

Link found via

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My Very First FARK Greenlight!

I submitted the following article with the following goofy headline...

Woman scams state by claiming to be pregnant -- for 40 consecutive months. Could be sentenced to hard labor

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty Two

She stood in the voting booth trying to decide which corporate-backed millionaire would protect the average citizen.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty One

The ogre wizard had evil appetites, he had unicorn meat stored in the freezer, elf bones in his bread and a gnome on the range.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Forty

He was excited about the Family Medical Leave Act until he realized it wasn't going to help him leave his family.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty Nine

It didn't matter if you had to turn the clock ahead or back, when you worked in a barber shop it was always daylight shavings time.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty Eight

She asked her Guidance Councilor what he thought of her SAT scores, he gave her a thong and directions to the local strip club.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty Seven

It was only later that Abner Deggent realized the cult had used a fake octopus to guard the treasure. He felt like such a sucker.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty Six

She said, “I hope you realize this is your last chance.”

He shrugged, “I guess we need to get a new Monopoly set.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty Five

Captain Hero adjusted his cape and said, “We face our greatest challenge ever!”

“Yeah,” Psychotic Kid agreed, “until next month.”

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty Four

Rob Zombie's latest film was set in a giant store that sold role-playing games. He called it HOUSE OF A 1,000 COREBOOKS.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty Three

The Reverend had no qualms about buying a mansion with church money. Did they expect a servant of the Lord to live in a stable?

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty Two

Eventually the creators of TUMBLR realized the inevitable and started giving away coupons for hand lotion with each new account.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty One

The mad scientist didn't want anyone to know he was gay so he created a female clone and married it. Talk about growing a beard.

5 Second Fiction One Thousand Seven Hundred and Thirty

He was so proud of his penis that he loved slipping it in, to conversations anyway.

(Insane News) "Mouse-infested naked man tased, arrested for burglary, assault"


 A burglary call for Oconee County sheriff's deputies turned bizarre Monday morning when their suspect was found naked and apparently drugged...

Authorities responded to Bernwood Circle near the town of Seneca late Monday morning after a resident complained of a burglar. When deputies arrived, they found Noah Smith, 31, lying face down and naked inside the doorway of the victim's home, the report stated.

When the deputy tried to make contact with Smith, he slapped the deputy. In return, the deputy deployed his taser, which had no effect on Smith, the report stated.

With reinforcements, deputies approached Smith again in the victim's bedroom. A deputy managed to handcuff Smith before he jumped off the victim's bed and tried to kick other deputies in the room, the report stated.

Then, according to the report, Smith was pepper sprayed. Undeterred, Smith continued to kick at the officers and otherwise evade capture. He was struck with a police baton several times, and Smith attempted to bite the deputy.

Smith's head and mouth were covered with a blanket to prevent him from biting and he was wrestled down so shackles could be placed on his legs and his arms were hog-tied, the report stated. An EMS crew responded and provided a stretcher to which Smith was tied.

Deputies and officers from the Seneca Police Department opined that Smith might have been high on mushrooms, and identified equipment that could be used to get high in the victim's home.

During a medical exam at a nearby hospital, medical personnel found a mouse tail hanging from Smith's rectum. An X-ray revealed a mouse lodged inside Smith...


Thanks to the DREAMIN' DEMON for this wealth of early morning mental images.

(Recommended Reads) THIS DAY FORWARD by Marisa Birns

After the pre-arranged signal lets her know the wedding is ready to begin, the organist nods. Family and friends stand and turn toward the aisle. I smooth down the front of my dress shirt. Several pairs of eyes are focused on me and, for a moment, I consider leaving from the side door...

click here to read the rest

Ray Garton tells it like it is!

I was watching The Big Bang Theory last night – which, by the way, is one of the funniest shows on television and if you haven’t seen it, you should remedy that posthaste – and a young woman appeared who looked familiar. I frowned, wondering where I’d seen her before. For about five minutes, it drove me crazy because I just couldn’t figure out who she was. Suddenly, it hit me. That’s Eliza Dushku! I thought. Then I thought, Oh my god, she’s dying of cancer...

click here to read the rest

IN IT FOR THE KILLS spreads the word about the 70's gem MESSIAH OF EVIL

I was sitting here last night like I do every night, looking for a horror movie to watch. I looked through site after site and nothing seemed right. So I looked for something from the 70s, because I just like the way the world looked back then. I mean, Jesus, take a look at this huge pink movie theater...

click here to read the rest


Director Amando De Ossorio’s fourth installment of the Blind Dead series,Night of the Seagulls (Spanish title La Noche De Las Gaviotas), wraps up the franchise in a much more satisfactory way than if the chain had ended with Horror Of the Zombies. Here in the last film the Knights Templar are off the ghost galleon and back on their horses, although not far from the ocean....

click here to read the rest

(Insane News) Woman Claims To Be Pregnant For 40 Consecutive Months

A full-term pregnancy lasts 40 weeks, which is why authorities had reason to suspect something was fishy when Leah L. Wright, 34,collected state benefits that were due to a pregnancy that lasted for 40 consecutive months, according to officials in Kennebec County, ME...

click here to visit DUMB AS A BLOB and read the rest

Monday, November 8, 2010

A thousand deaths are not enough for Uwe! The trailer for Dr. Boll's BLUBBERELLA



Trailer courtesy of TWITCH


The movie looks like utter crap...

But the star Lindsay Hollister?


I would totally totally hit it.

ZOMBIES ARE MAGIC wisely recommends William Hope Hodgson's THE HOUSE ON THE BOARDERLAND

I don't often write about the books I read: its just not my thing. But I feel compelled to write about The House on the Borderland by William Hope Hodgson. It took me a month to read this slim novel, not because it bored me or I didn't have time, but because I could only handle a chapter at a time. It is that terrifying...

click here to read the rest

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis chapter eighty nine

In The Shadow Of His Nemesis

Chapter Eighty Nine


Saturday, December 4th 1996

“Here?” Hao asked.

“Here.” Zeth replied.

Isobel shifted in Hao’s grip, still dazed and unaware of her surroundings. Zeth had wanted to kill her or leave her behind, claiming she had been ‘compromised’ but Hao knew better, she knew the beginnings of an apotheosis when she saw one.

So Hao had carried the other woman as they ran; the weight didn’t tire her or even slow her steps. In fact, she found something comforting about the sound of Isobel’s breaths and the beat of her heart.

All those comforts had been stripped away from her the moment she realized Zeth was leading her towards Culann manse.

Time and neglect had worn away the majesty of the great house but it had lost none of its foreboding. No non-vlodek could look upon the structure and not feel fear and not somehow know that every surface of every room had been christened in the blood of slaves and half-breeds.

She glanced over to Zeth to see he had an automatic in each hand, his every muscle was tensed. “Are you sure?” Hao asked.

He answered with a curt, “Magwier said so,” and then started walking towards the entrance. The door had been torn off the hinges, and to Hao the damage looked very recent.

In her mind she was reliving the night of her escape over and over. The manse of the Bizuneh family had been full of life and treachery and in her time there she had been treated at worst as a utility, at best as a pet. Hao shifted Isobel in her arms and began to follow Zeth.

Hao remembered that unlike so many other half-breeds and slaves she had learned to accept both humiliation and praise with indifferent grace. While some might claim there was a nobility to be found in suffering Hao had come to understand that for creatures like her nobility and survival were mutually exclusive.

She learned to let no opportunity go to waste. When she discovered a potential scandal brewing she made sure to push things over the edge with feigned ignorance and a mis-spoken word. When something valuable was left within reach she stole it and traded it later for information and necessities. When they sent her to learn magic, she whored herself out to her instructors for access to forbidden lore.

It took years to prepare for her revenge but when the time came not a single member of the Bizuneh remained alive.

And they were only the first. Hao thought.

Isobel stirred in her arms as they crossed the threshold, “What happened?”

“Hush now. Save your-” Hao’s voice became trailed off. The inferior of the great house great house a ruin, the scent of old death hung in the air.

But so did the scent of fresh blood.

Sig waited for them in the next room, his bestial form hung from his frame like a tattered filthy rug. His eyes burned with misery. Warren lay on the floor at his feet, his features slack and mottled, his eyes gazed emptily. He wasn’t breathing, it was obvious he hadn’t been breathing for some time.

I’m sorry,” Sig said.

Zeth looked away from the scene, Isobel sobbed and Hao began to growl, it was a deep inhuman sound.

Click Here To Continue