Stephen pulled his paddle out of the water, lay it across his lap and glided in the yellow kayak. The sound of dripping filled his ears. Raindrops plopped in the water all around him. Water pooled on the the rim of his vinyl hood and dripped onto his arms and chest. His tears mingled with the raindrops and ran into his collar...
From the corner of his eye Arne Carlson could just see tiny snippets of life unfolding outside of his hospice window. Young children were playing ball at the park adjacent to the property and several moms, with pony tails bobbing, gathered around strollers were sharing animated conversation. Arne let his mind drift to those simple pleasures he had once enjoyed...
Erin Cummings first came to my attention in Bitch Slap, but she has done other work, much of which is on television, such as Detroit 1-8-7, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, as well as episodes of Mad Men, Nip/Tuck, Dollhouse, Cold Case, and The Bold and the Beautiful. She's even a Star Trek alumnus, appearing in Star Trek: Enterprise, where she is credited simply as "Prostitute #1" from the episode "Carpenter Street."...
Early to bed and early to rise but she still fell asleep at her desk most afternoons.
Soon the penalty for pirating adult films was to work in the industry. There is no recidivism after a week as a donkey fluffer.
1821: His ring-shaped bandages for bunions were ahead of their time. His calling them 'Corn Holes' was a critical mistake.
Ralph's years of management experience taught him that fiendish laughter motivated employees far more than the occasional pep talk.
CORPSE WARS
Attack of the Crones
episode two
by
Al Bruno III
Within the few days life as a refugee from the zombie apocalypse settled into a kind of routine. The army kept everyone within the Watervliet Arsenal safe and secure but if you were outside the walls you were on your own.
All government shelters had closed their doors to new arrivals but that hadn’t kept people from gathering there in hopes they would be saved. They surrounded the facility on all sides, a sea of displaced middle class Americans, crowded together and desperate.
Not that things were any better inside the Arsenal. Every bit of space was being used. Everything felt crowded and there was always some kind of noise in the air, be it the growl of generators, the cries of babies or the staccato of soldiers barking orders back and forth.
Mark Bradford spent his days wandering around aimlessly. After the ‘Heirloom Incident’ he tried to spend as little time as possible in the tent he shared with his parents.
Everywhere he went people were hungry for news. If their army protectors knew anything at all they were being tight lipped about it. All questions were answered with a curt, “The situation is being brought under control.”
At first the refugees in the Watervliet Arsenal had kept in touch with the outside world via cell phones, computers and social media but one by one everyone’s batteries were running out of juice and none of the powers that be were letting anyone use their chargers.
“Conservation of resources,” was the reason given.
Mark supposed it made sense but as he made his way through the maze of tents he kept wondering about his Farmville account. Everything must be ruined by now, he didn’t like to think about all those hours of hard work that had gone to waste.
Suddenly Mark spied a familiar face in the crowd.
“Alec?” he called, “Hey Alec!”
The older man looked around in confusion at the sound of his name. When he spotted Mark he grinned. Alec Stratton was paunchy and kept his wild gray hair anchored under a baseball cap that was embroidered with the saying; 'JEDI’S DO IT WITH FORCE'. There were a lot of things Mark admired about Alec; such as his easygoing manner, his wisdom and his experience.
But the thing that Mark admired the most about him was that he had seen the original Star Wars on the night of its premiere. The original effects, the original sound mix: he had seen it all. To hear him talk about it that night had been like Woodstock for nerds.
“Hey kid!” Alec gave him a friendly handshake, “I was wondering how you were doing.”
“I’m fine,” Mark said, “thanks to you.”
“You’d have done the same for me,” Alec said, “where are your parents? I’d love to say Hi.”
“Maybe not right now. They’re kind of stressed.”
“Stressed?”
“The end of the world will do that.”
Alec chuckled, “End of the world? If we survived the Star Wars Christmas Special we can survive this.”
They walked and talked for a time, pausing for a moment to listen to the old woman preaching fire and brimstone to anyone that would listen. Her delivery left a lot to be desired but she had stationed herself near the Port-a-potties guaranteeing herself a captive audience.
“This way,” Alec led Mark towards the far wall, “I’ve got someone for you to meet.”
The tents and refugees thinned out and soon Mark was walking around busy soldiers and boxed ordinance. Both made him feel nervous and inadequate. When a sergeant tried to turn them back, Alec explained “I need to talk to Harry.”
The sergeant nodded and let them climb up onto the wall where a heavy set man in disheveled fatigues dangled MREs over the edge of the wall. “Who’s hungry?” he cried.
Mark looked down the wall to see part of the crowd that had missed their chance to be admitted into the Arsenal. They were practically salivating at the sight of the military rations.
“This is Harry,” Alec said.
“Come on!” Harry cried at the people below him, “You want this? Then show me your tits!”
Someone did.
“No!” Harry cried with disgust, “I meant your daughter.”
Mark felt himself starting to blush, should he look? Was this exploitation or Girls Gone Wild territory?
After another pause Harry said, “No wait. Not your daughter. You again.”
“Come on man,” Alec said.
Harry dropped the handful of MREs with a semi-satisfied shrug. Then he turned, “Who’s this guy?”
“I’m Mark,” he offered his hand to shake but the other man left it hanging there.
“Don’t worry,” Alec said, “he’s cool.”
Harry raised an eyebrow, “He better be.”
Mark asked, “What’s this about?”
“You haven’t told him yet?”
Alec said, “I figured you should.”
There was a flurry of shouts and curses down on the other side of the wall, Harry ignored it. “Can you keep a secret kid?”
“Uh...sure...” Mark replied.
“Because I don’t need what we’re doing to get out to the general public.”
“What are we.-” Mark paused, “I mean what are you doing?”
Harry leaned in closer, the scent of his body odor nearly knocked the younger man off his feet. “I’ve got a D&D game going. First edition, invitation only.”
“Dungeons and Dragons?” Mark was relieved and appalled.
Harry put a finger to his lips, “Shhhhhhhh! The two things soldiers crave most are role playing games and porno and I don’t supply either to anyone but a select few.”
“Look!” Alec pointed off into the distance.
A mass of zombies was approaching, they were everywhere. A wave of panic surged through the people trapped outside the walls of the Watervliet Arsenal. They screamed and rushed towards the walls, stampeding each other, going wild with terror.
Mark and Alec watched the scene unfold before them with mute horror. Harry said, “Looks like the game is gonna have a late start tonight...”
The on-call doctor stared at the man's lacerated groin in confusion until he realized what the EMT's had meant by a 'head injury'.
As a young man he wanted to become an action hero like in the movies, by 40 he was just a whacky neighbor like in a sitcom.
“For the last time-” Captain Hero poked Amazing Ed in the chest for emphasis, “-there is no 'Casual Friday' for crimefighters!”
Once the sex toy manufacturer bought the puzzle game factory the creation of the 'Pubic's Cube' was inevitable.
As I was watching this Australian film I couldn't help thinking of another one of my favorite Aussie movies, Peter Weir's Picnic at Hanging Rock. Both films deal with not only the loss of a young life, but also the loss of innocence, or what we as adults want to believe is innocence...
(And if you haven't seen LAKE MUNGO yet- DO IT!)
Rubik’s Cube, the multicolored plastic puzzle block that has singularly sustained the GDP of Hungary ever since its invention in the 1970s, is the latest inanimate object of nostalgic affection to land its own movie deal, with the Creative Arts Agency reportedly talking to various producers about developing a film based on something, anything to do with this thing it just bought because everyone else was getting toys and pretty soon all the good toys were going to be gone...
I submitted the following article with the following goofy headline...
She stood in the voting booth trying to decide which corporate-backed millionaire would protect the average citizen.
The ogre wizard had evil appetites, he had unicorn meat stored in the freezer, elf bones in his bread and a gnome on the range.
He was excited about the Family Medical Leave Act until he realized it wasn't going to help him leave his family.
It didn't matter if you had to turn the clock ahead or back, when you worked in a barber shop it was always daylight shavings time.
She asked her Guidance Councilor what he thought of her SAT scores, he gave her a thong and directions to the local strip club.
It was only later that Abner Deggent realized the cult had used a fake octopus to guard the treasure. He felt like such a sucker.
She said, “I hope you realize this is your last chance.”
He shrugged, “I guess we need to get a new Monopoly set.”
Captain Hero adjusted his cape and said, “We face our greatest challenge ever!”
“Yeah,” Psychotic Kid agreed, “until next month.”
Rob Zombie's latest film was set in a giant store that sold role-playing games. He called it HOUSE OF A 1,000 COREBOOKS.
The Reverend had no qualms about buying a mansion with church money. Did they expect a servant of the Lord to live in a stable?
Eventually the creators of TUMBLR realized the inevitable and started giving away coupons for hand lotion with each new account.
The mad scientist didn't want anyone to know he was gay so he created a female clone and married it. Talk about growing a beard.
He was so proud of his penis that he loved slipping it in, to conversations anyway.
A burglary call for Oconee County sheriff's deputies turned bizarre Monday morning when their suspect was found naked and apparently drugged...
Authorities responded to Bernwood Circle near the town of Seneca late Monday morning after a resident complained of a burglar. When deputies arrived, they found Noah Smith, 31, lying face down and naked inside the doorway of the victim's home, the report stated.
When the deputy tried to make contact with Smith, he slapped the deputy. In return, the deputy deployed his taser, which had no effect on Smith, the report stated.
With reinforcements, deputies approached Smith again in the victim's bedroom. A deputy managed to handcuff Smith before he jumped off the victim's bed and tried to kick other deputies in the room, the report stated.
Then, according to the report, Smith was pepper sprayed. Undeterred, Smith continued to kick at the officers and otherwise evade capture. He was struck with a police baton several times, and Smith attempted to bite the deputy.
Smith's head and mouth were covered with a blanket to prevent him from biting and he was wrestled down so shackles could be placed on his legs and his arms were hog-tied, the report stated. An EMS crew responded and provided a stretcher to which Smith was tied.
Deputies and officers from the Seneca Police Department opined that Smith might have been high on mushrooms, and identified equipment that could be used to get high in the victim's home.
During a medical exam at a nearby hospital, medical personnel found a mouse tail hanging from Smith's rectum. An X-ray revealed a mouse lodged inside Smith...
Thanks to the DREAMIN' DEMON for this wealth of early morning mental images.
After the pre-arranged signal lets her know the wedding is ready to begin, the organist nods. Family and friends stand and turn toward the aisle. I smooth down the front of my dress shirt. Several pairs of eyes are focused on me and, for a moment, I consider leaving from the side door...
I was watching The Big Bang Theory last night – which, by the way, is one of the funniest shows on television and if you haven’t seen it, you should remedy that posthaste – and a young woman appeared who looked familiar. I frowned, wondering where I’d seen her before. For about five minutes, it drove me crazy because I just couldn’t figure out who she was. Suddenly, it hit me. That’s Eliza Dushku! I thought. Then I thought, Oh my god, she’s dying of cancer...
I was sitting here last night like I do every night, looking for a horror movie to watch. I looked through site after site and nothing seemed right. So I looked for something from the 70s, because I just like the way the world looked back then. I mean, Jesus, take a look at this huge pink movie theater...
Director Amando De Ossorio’s fourth installment of the Blind Dead series,Night of the Seagulls (Spanish title La Noche De Las Gaviotas), wraps up the franchise in a much more satisfactory way than if the chain had ended with Horror Of the Zombies. Here in the last film the Knights Templar are off the ghost galleon and back on their horses, although not far from the ocean....
A full-term pregnancy lasts 40 weeks, which is why authorities had reason to suspect something was fishy when Leah L. Wright, 34,collected state benefits that were due to a pregnancy that lasted for 40 consecutive months, according to officials in Kennebec County, ME...
I don't often write about the books I read: its just not my thing. But I feel compelled to write about The House on the Borderland by William Hope Hodgson. It took me a month to read this slim novel, not because it bored me or I didn't have time, but because I could only handle a chapter at a time. It is that terrifying...
If you have a morbidly obese dog you're either a sloppy eater or a terrible enabler.
The choice was to be burned to death in a wicker man or be locked for 24 hours in a cinema playing the Wicker Man remake.
He defended himself against the charges of bestiality with chimpanzees by claiming he was just backwards compatible.
She went from working in the animal husbandry field to a newsreader a FOX news specializing in artificial dissemination.
Some people spend their lives on the Road of Sanity, others veer onto the Psycho Path.
Stellar-Man had to stop wearing spandex because all the ladies on the team could tell when he was using his x-ray vision.
Extensive online research resulted in the blockbuster film JUSTIN BIEBER VS PREDATOR.
It wasn't until that first gulp that he realized his wife had found his Fleshlight and switched it with his thermos.
but I'd be inviting certain death if I mentioned her age.
But anyway Happy Birthday Baby!
And here is a picture of us from when we first started dating...
