I killed 'em. Absolutely slayed 'em. All except for one guy in the back. I don't know what his problem was, but no matter what I said, no matter how many people laughed--and I don't want to break my shoulder by patting myself on the back, but it was most of them--this guy heckled the heck (har, har) out of me...
Everyone wants to be the hero of their own story, and in doing so they inevitably make themselves of villain of someone else's."
Tired of being henpecked, he told his wife exactly what he thought of her. In a letter. That he kept in his safety deposit box.
In a world awash with unfortunate names most agreed that Regeana Dentata got a raw deal.
The submarine was deep in enemy waters when dysentery struck, leaving the crew with no option but to go to silent running.
Trying to get famous via the Internet is like waiting to be abducted by horny lingerie models. You better have a plan B.
Back in the 70s a lot of superheroes were into wife swapping, it gave a new meaning to the term "swinging from rooftop to rooftop".
Pliers, a bungee cord and a bottle of vodka are all you need to enter into the exciting field of 'extreme dentistry'.
Not only do the vampires of the Jersey shore have to sleep in their native Earth they must re-apply their spray-on tan at midnight.
The Nick Of Time
(and other Abrasions)
Tombs Of The Blonde Dead
part six
Sealed With A Kiss
by
Al Bruno III
How could it all have gone so wrong?
How could it all have gone so wrong after years of preparation?
The Nine Sisters of Kashchei were no more, their sweet promises of revenge and delight unfulfilled. Oh, how Reynolds had wanted to lord his victory over his father, the father that had taken such pleasure in reminding him he was a bastard, the father that had never seen his son as anything more than a groundskeeper and a burden.
Gurlich Manor was burning, the fire had spread out from the gardens and was finding fuel in everything- furniture, trees, even the bodies of the party guests. The light from the fire was as bright as a sunrise and it cast flickering illumination through the windows of the one room cottage Larry Gurlich had allowed his son to live in. Reynolds was packing to leave. He didn’t have much to show for his near decade of thankless service; a few savings bonds, some cash and all the jewelry he had managed to steal from his father’s guests when the opportunity had presented itself.
It was enough for a new start, he had contacts in Los Angeles; that city of pornographers and sorcerers and everything in-between. Reynolds knew they had befriended him because they thought he was a quick path to his father but they had come to appreciate the talents that were his and his alone.
Hadn’t he let them taste the flesh of ghosts and the substance of dreams? Hadn’t he summoned creatures from the very Ruins of Creation for their amusement?
Yes, there were more than enough people out there that would help him start over, and even more that would follow him.
With a single suitcase packed Reynolds turned to go, his only regret was that he didn’t have time to steal any of the classic cars his father had collected and left to gather dust in storage.
“Going somewhere?” Audra DiMico asked.
Lorelei Miller gave her a disbelieving look, “I can’t believe you said that.”
“It seemed appropriate.”
“Can we get this over with so we can finish freeing all the animals?” Judy Bauer cast a nervous glance towards the open cages of the Garden Of Duchesses.
Reynolds stared at the three girls blocking the way out. He recognized one of them, she had almost cracked his ribs with a single kick. But the other two? He had no idea who they were, but they weren’t Girly Magazine material that was for damn sure. They had trouble written all over them- uninvited trouble.
“You cunts!” he realized aloud, “you’re the ones that ruined everything.”
Audra nodded sadly, “They always go right for the C-word don’t they?”
“Last refuge of a scoundrel,” Judy agreed.
The ax handle was still in reach, Reynolds grabbed it and waved it threateningly, “Get out of my way.”
“I would ask you why you did all this,” Audra said, “but I think the answer might be too pitiful to bear.”
Judy groaned, “Can we just finish this?”
The girl that had kicked him in the gut was just watching him and whispering under her breath; it was unintelligible but Reynolds still didn’t like the sound of it. Screaming like a madman he charged them, swinging the ax handle wildly.
Instead of backing away Lorelei stepped up to him and kissed him hard on the mouth.
The ax handle dropped to the floor, when the kiss broke Reynolds fell on top of it. He couldn’t move, he could barely breathe.
Lorelei wiped the blood from her lips already dreading the aftereffects of the Nightshade Kiss but how could she complain in the face of what her friends had gone through on this night? Audra had only escaped with a hasty translocation but she had been too hasty and glimpsed the very Heart of the Maelstrom; something no woman should ever do. Judy had protected herself from one of the Nine Sisters with a powerful spell of her own but the cost had been moments off her natural lifespan; when your future is uncertain those moments can add up.
As if there wasn’t enough that would haunt them about this terrible night.
“You won’t be able to move for a while,” Lorelei said, “if I had had more time I would have fixed it that you’d never move again but I suppose that would be pointless.”
Somewhere a peacock was screeching in alarm, Judy made an anxious sound and fidgeted in place, “Come on...”
“The fire hasn’t reached here yet, maybe it won’t even reach here at all” Lorelei explained, “so you’ve got a chance. That’s something isn’t it?”
Audra nodded, “We’re not monsters.”
“So... I guess that’s it, good luck.”
The three girls filed out of the cabin. Reynolds tried everything he knew, every invocation, every trick of the mind but he couldn’t move. He wanted to scream and beg but he could barely keep one breath coming after the other.
It wasn't long before he started to smell smoke.
He liked to say "Now that's what I'm talking about!" but no one really knew what the Hell he was talking about most of the time.
"Life is like being part of an avalanche," Zeth said, "you learn how to settle."
She had only really been in love three times in her life and she had the Restraining Orders to prove it.
he Psychotic Kid had promised himself he wouldn't cry but the bastards were using tear gas.
Magwier told her, "I don't want any more possibilities or plans I just want us- her -together-now." But it was already too late.
Bitter experience made the Lord decree that all angels must go into therapy to keep them from suffering delusions of godhood.
He didn't like the depressive side of manic-depression but at least when he was manic he caught up on the housework.
Every time they tried to fire her she found a way to come back, it was the HR version of a horror film.
He accidentally brushed his teeth with fruity bubblegum toothpaste, it left him feeling like he had a mouthful of clown semen.
"The afterlife should be like a good spouse," Audra said, "loving, forgiving and open minded enough for a little mischief."
Not content to just break the color barrier, superheros Lightning and Thunder also broke the sound barrier and scales respectively.
George Washington may have had wooden teeth but he was never one to burn his bridges.
hen he made love to his wife he imagined he was with someone else, she imagined she was with ANYONE else.
From atop a cathedral the Maven considered the crime-ridden streets below her, or as she liked to call it ' getting her brood on'.
Captain Hero wondered about his old team the River City Rangers, their breakup had been acrimonious and had involved giant robots.
Everyone knows the legend of how 'the Screaming Commandos' earned their name, but the truth is stranger, and it involves syphilis.
As per his final will and testament his ashes were mixed in with a batch of stripper glitter.
The Grim Reaper stopped by the pharmacy to try and find something to help with his 'not so fleshed' feeling.
"Life is not a dress rehearsal," Psychotic Kid said, "it's the training montage before the final battle with oblivion."
"When 'The Bedwetter's Society' calls in for tech support with their web page, don't ask them about their IP."
Once upon a time there was an author that wrote 1000 Five Second Fictions that made people happy and that made him very happy.
Her room at the hospice was filled with family, friends and admirers at all hours of the day but she still died alone. We all do.
After another attempt on her life Nikola Preceptor of the Greater Eastern Council of Mystagogues rethought her open door policy.
Throughout the 70's the Midnight Marvels protected River City only to be brought down by an avalanche of lawsuits in the late 80's.
She was tired of it of her husband spending every free hour searching for UFOs and then coming to her at night asking to be probed.
It was a bad idea to loot the temple and set the cannibals on the warpath. But what else was there to do on this miserable island?
The water was cool and inviting; the lampreys well fed and used to the screams of skinny-dippers.
This collection of 13 stories transports you to a world where both dreams and monsters lurk in the shadows, where love and forgotten rituals fight for control of the human heart, and where the madness of eternity can be glimpsed in a single segmented eye. This anthology collects some of the best stories from Al Bruno III's website and includes the novellas 'Chad's Oracles', 'Fully Vested' and 'The Mask Collector', available for the first time anywhere.
To all outward appearances John Sig is just an old man living a quietly in an empty old house. His one pleasure is when he heads down to the local diner and visits with his favorite waitress Angie. When Angie disappears, John sets out to find her. For an ordinary old man that might seem like a foolish idea but John Sig isn't human, he's a monster living in the shadow of a nightmare thirty -five years old.
