Saturday, July 9, 2011

The movie RUBBER is without a doubt one of the most demented things I have ever seen!


I just got done watching the movie RUBBER. Now before I comment on it I want you to watch the trailer.

Now doesn't that look demented? Well let me tell you something- the actual film is 10 times more demented than that. It is like a horror film created by Monty Python and David Cronenberg. You have to see it- even though I'm not even sure what the Hell I just saw.

It also stars Roxane Mesquida and she is a total cutie!




(she has a nice tushie too!)

So, I finally got a chance to see KICK-ASS

I know, I know. After talking about it on the blog I'm only seeing it now. Sadly the financial meltdown that overtook my life made me put it all on the back burner.

But now I have seen it (and thanks to a friend I have also read the comic) and I really enjoyed the movie. It was incredibly over the top and had a lot of heart. I found it superior to the comic in every way, a little more joyful in its premise and fun.

It goes without saying that Chloë Moretz stole the show as Hit-Girl and not just because her character is a pint-sized version of Wolverine. The young actress in question really brings a lot to the role and I hope to see more work from her in the future. And I especially hope she doesn't go all Lindsay Lohan on us.

So here's to you KICK-ASS you were worth the wait.

Oh by the way… an amusing side note the first book I ever wrote was called THE HERO. I wrote it back in 1986 when I was in high school when I should have been paying attention and learning basic punctuation and stuff. It was about a high school kid that tries to be a super hero but it had my standard over the top humor and sudden left turns into just plain weirdness.

It was a pretty lousy book by a pretty weird 18 year old but it made my classmates laugh when they read it so that was cool.

The main character by the way was called Captain Hero just like the main character of my LOCAL HEROES stories. I guess the more things change the more they stay the same.

(Insane News) Woman dies from allergic reaction to having sex with a dog.

 

A MAN HAS appeared before Limerick District Court charged with ordering his Alsatian dog to have sex with a 43-year-old mother of four, who died from an adverse allergic reaction to the intercourse...

 

click here to read the rest of this story. Be warned it is pretty ruff.

Behold that is the horror of the Steve Buscemeyes Tattoo!

Want to watch NIGHT OF THE CREEPS right now?

From Crackle: Night of the Creeps
 
You can visit my Crackle page here (I'm not sure what I am going to do with it... but this is probably the closest I will ever get to being a late night horror host...)

(Recommended Reads) "Hive Mind" by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith

The noose is prepared, and I can’t wait to climb on the chair and put it round my neck. I can’t take it any more. Perhaps the young ones can find a way to adapt to this condition. I certainly hope so, otherwise it could signal the end of the human race...

click here to read the rest

(Recommended Reads) "Suspect" by JM Strother

How did it come to this? I try not to look nervous, try not to look guilty. I’m not guilty, dammit. The detective has left the room again, to leave me stewing in my own anxieties. Dear God, help me...

click here to read the rest

Thanks to TOPLESS ROBOT I now know that Snooki has an evil twin!

Without fear of hyperbole, I can tell you that this video is one of the most awful things I have ever seen in my entire life. The only word I can think of to properly describe it is "atrocity." I mean, an American girl dressing in Ganguro fashion -- widely renown as the planet's most awful teen "style," and one that went out of fashion in Japan a full decade ago is terrible enough. But then you have her sing a song that makes Rebecca Black's "Friday" sound like The Beatles' "Yesterday" -- and with less talent than Rebecca Black, and the awfulness is quadrupled. And then you put her in way too tight clothes, all covered with Pokémon, in the most pandering, transparent attempt at "sexy-cute" ever seen in the history of the music industry, and in all defiance of the fact that she looks like a clown and a teen prostitute caught in a teleporter accident, then fried in batter, and then peed upon -- then you have a terror beyond imagining, a Lovecraftian nightmare which makes sane men tear out their eyes and weep blood, knowing that eternal darkness will never truly hide the horror that walks among us, who is known by the name... Trishii. And she wants you to kiss her, apparently...

 

click here to learn more IF YOU DARE!!!!

Friday, July 8, 2011

GEEKS OF DOOM shows the trailer for BATMAN: YEAR ONE

 

Sadly there will never be an ACROBATIC FLEA: YEAR ONE film because he insisted on wearing  hot pants back then.

 

Click here to learn more at GEEKS OF DOOM

(Insane News) Michelle Bachman TRIPLES down on the stupid. "Pledge with Questionable Slavery Reference"

Rep. Michele Bachmann is the first Republican presidential candidate to sign the Family Leader pledge disavowing gay marriage, premarital sex, and porn. But perhaps the most outrageous part of the pledge is the section that implies that maybe slavery wasn't all that bad for black families.

Declaring that "[u]nmistakably, the Institution of Marriage in America is in great crisis," the document states:

Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President....

 

Click here to read the full article at MOTHER JONES

 

Article found via FARK.com

Canadian Girlfriend (a #FridayFlash teaser)

a teaser for
Canadian Girlfriend
by
Al Bruno III


The air in Rousedower’s Tavern was thick with cigarette smoke. The patrons were college students and middle-aged bohemians; both groups were lured here by the promise of cheap beer and easily ignored acoustic bands. Barry Moore tired to look casual as directed Jimbo and Mike to a corner table.


When the waitress brought the menus, Barry watched while his friends debated over the exchange rates between American and Canadian currency. They didn’t have a lot of either after pre-paying for the motel room and they still had to have enough left over to make the trip back from Montreal to the SUNY Albany Campus. Barry grimaced a little at the thought of four more hours crammed into Jimbo’s Dodge Charger.


“Well?” Mike Proctor straightened his glasses. He was the tallest of them; his face was far too small for a head so large. He preferred to wear tie-dyed shirts and heavy boots. He looked like the Frankenstein monster had collided with a hippie commune, “Where is she?”


Barry made a show of scanning the crowd; he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror above the bar; plain looking with shaggy hair and an easygoing smile. “I don’t see her. She must be running late.”


“I can’t believe you’re making us do this man.” Jimbo Lord wore mostly black, because he’d learned that black was slimming. Sadly Jimbo had never learned that diet and exercise were even more slimming. “I mean we’ve come all this way, can’t you just admit it?”


Barry shook his head, “Admit what?”


“You’ve been telling us about this girl for almost a year.” The waitress brought over a bowl of popcorn and Jimbo dug in, “This perfect girl. Come on. Admit it so we can drop this charade and hit some strip clubs.”


“Topless…” Mike half-spoke, half-sang, “…and bottomless.”


“Guys she’ll be here.” Barry said. The waitress came back and took their drink orders, two beers one soda.


Mike looked over the menu again, “What are the wings like?”


Barry shrugged. The door opened with a long drawn out squeal as another group of college students filled the air with raucous laughter. The band finished their first set to scattered applause and made their way to the bar.


“I thought this was your little love nest?” Mike asked,


“How can you not know what the wings are like?”


“I never tried them all right?”


Jimbo shook his head sadly, “Look. Just repeat after me… There- Is- No- Phoebe- Reischl.”


“You can tell her that soon enough.”


“Lord have mercy. We have got to break you of this.”


Barry took a drink of his soda, “Break me of what? She’s real.”


Mike shook his head, “I need evidence. We have not seen one picture of this girl and you have not received one phone message. Not even an email and believe me we’ve looked.”


“Guys…”


“How far do you think he’s going to take this?” Mike wondered aloud, “Should we settle in and order something?”


Jimbo nodded sagely, “Even in the midst of an intervention, there is always time for curly fries, and wings.”


Mike smiled, “You’re like the Sun Tzu of junk food.”


“What intervention?” Barry scowled, “I don’t need an intervention.”


In his third year of college Barry had moved off campus, of all the applicants he’d looked into for a roommate Mike Proctor had seemed like the one least likely to murder someone in their sleep. Jimbo Lord had come to help Mike and he’d never really left; when he wasn’t working or trolling for ‘babes’ on the Internet, he was planted on their couch. It didn’t take them very long for them all to become friends, and it didn’t take Mike and Jimbo long to figure out that their newest friend didn’t have much luck with the ladies.


When the waitress returned to their table she asked, “More drinks?”


Mike and Jimbo ordered curly fries, hot wings and more beers.


“You know what I think?” Mike smiled, “I think what you need Barry, is a night with a professional.”


“Hey!” Barry said.


“Hang on a minute here.” Mike continued, “I don’t mean some skank, I mean a night with one of those high class hookers you always see dead on CSI.”


“So many things were wrong with that last statement...” Barry said.


“Look, you’re among friends here.” Mike frowned and looked around the bar, “Friends and Canadians. Just admit you made her up so you wouldn’t seem so lame.”


“Yet in doing so you became lamer.” Jimbo said.


The door squealed again and in the silence, everyone at the table seemed to look up at once. Barry felt his entire world tilt sideways. A woman stood in the doorway, she wore jeans and a bomber jacket covered with faded decals; her dark hair was pulled back in a knot. Her smile practically glittered as she waved and headed over to sit down at their table. It was Phoebe, there was no mistaking her.


But that's impossible, Barry thought. She doesn't exist.


_____________________


Want to read the rest? CLICK HERE



(Insane News) Michelle Bachman doubles down on the stupid, vows to ban all pornography

BREAKING: Bachmann pledges to ban pornography: Tonight, Michele Bachmann became the first presidential candidate to sign a pledge created by THE FAMiLY LEADER, an influential social-conservative group in Iowa. By signing the pledge Bachmann “vows” to “uphold the institution of marriage as only between one man and one woman” by committing herself to 14 specifics steps. The ninth step calls for the banning of “all forms” of pornography...

(Insane News) Now they're making a movie based on SPACE INVADERS

 

The classic 1980s arcade game from Taito and Midway, which is ranked as the top arcade game of all time by Guinness World Records, is heading to the big screen courtesy of producers Lorenzo di Bonaventura and Odd Lot Entertainment’s Gigi Pritzker. The two have teamed up to option the rights and develop the project and are now on the hunt for a writer to come up with a story...

 

click here to read the rest

 

article found via FARK.com

BUZZFEED shows us 45 reasons why Florida is the craziest state

Here are my favorites

 


 

 

 

 

 

Click here to view the entire article

 

You know I lived in Florida for a while. Make of that what you will.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

(Insane News) Nearly naked man in Bluff City funeral home claims he wasn't alone, sex was planned

Funeral homes aren't associated with the appropriate, mood-setting venue for a late-night sexual rendezvous.

But that's what a Bluff City man allegedly claims he was embarking upon Tuesday with two women at Tetrick Funeral Home — that is, until the alarm sounded and police arrived to find him inside, bloodied and wearing only his underwear...

 

click here to read the rest of the article at TIMESNEWS.NET

story found via FARK.com

 

Another CONAN THE BARBARIAN trailer

It kind of annoys me they aren't adapting the stories straight out. I'd love to see a movie version of TOWER OF THE ELEPHANT but this still looks like it could be fun.

 

 

this trailer was found at TOPLESS ROBOT

Nathan Fillion is concerned about the dangers of having a moist taint. (Aren't we all?)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

FULLY VESTED (a serial novel) chapter six

IN THIS TWILIGHT

Fully Vested


Chapter Six


By AL BRUNO III




One year in


It was a particularly busy day with very little pause time between calls. Mike didn’t mind much, it just meant the day went by all the quicker. By now he did most of his job unconsciously, asking the questions and filling in the blanks while he thought about other things in the back of his mind.


“Sir. Sir. Why would I have your account number?” The voice to the right side of the cubicle was practically shouting, Mike glanced over to see Raymond getting into an argument with another customer. It seemed like it was impossible for him to speak without getting spittle somewhere, “You need to find it. I can’t help you otherwise. No. No. No. Goodbye.”


Man I miss Cosmos. Mike thought. She had moved on to the receiving department, her desk had stayed empty for about a week. Then Raymond showed up, shaking with anger and smelling like he hadn’t bathed in a week.


Jimmy muted his current call and whispered, “Ray man will you please-”


“Raymond. My name is Raymond.”


“OK Raymond, will you please keep your voice down? We all have to work together.”


Raymond snarled at him, showing off his broken tooth, “Are you gonna tell on me again?”


Jimmy glared back, “If I have to.”


The hygiene issue had been the breaking point for Jimmy. It seemed like Raymond never bathed, and it was obvious that he wore the same clothes day after day. He tried to cover up the rank odor by dousing himself in cheap aftershave but all it did was make his odor even more stomach-twisting. Jimmy had finally complained to the call center manager. That had gotten Raymond bathing but his breath still left a lot to be desired.


Mike had to give Jimmy credit; he hadn’t had the nerve to do anything that might piss Raymond off. The man treated every shift like an eight hour temper tantrum. He shouted at callers, he was surly and unhelpful, sometimes he hung up on people just for the hell of it. He made the days nerve wracking.


“Thank you for calling Trinity Advance Corporation, I am James your Sales and Billing Technologist. How may I be of service to you today?


“Thank you for calling Trinity Advance Corporation, I am Michael your Sales and Billing Technologist. How may I be of service to you today?”


“Trinity Advance. Account number.”


The Trinity Advance Corporation gave its employees free scratch pads and pens. Raymond had a pile of both at his desk and was forever scribbling between and during his calls. His doodles were strange, sharp angles and loose curves clashed and occasionally a word or a name would find its way into the mess. In just a few weeks he had gone through dozens of notepads. As soon as one was filled he threw it into the trash and started on another.


During a pause in the calls Mike said, “Jimmy you talked me into it. I will go to the Christmas party this year.”


“Oh excellent.”


Raymond snorted derisively, “Feeding time at the zoo. They laugh at you every year with your cheap suits and stupid conversations. The open bar just makes it funnier.”


Jimmy shook his head, “Don’t get all bitter on the company just because you got yourself in demoted.”


“This company doesn’t give a crap about us dumbass,” a call came through on Raymond’s line but he simply disconnected it, “We’re just a necessary expense, for now.”


Mike shrugged, “They treat me fine here.”


“Like I said feeding time at the zoo,” Raymond snorted, “free blankets for the Reservation. I know what goes on upstairs. I know what this company is really about.”


Jimmy asked, “If you hate it here, why not just quit?”


“I’m almost fully vested, they can’t fire me. They wouldn’t dare,” a strange haunted look crept into Raymond’s eyes, “they have to take me back.”


The calls started coming in again, “Thank you for calling Trinity Advance Corporation, I am Michael your Sales and Billing Technologist. How may I be of service to you today?


“Thank you for calling Trinity Advance Corporation, I am James your Sales and Billing Technologist. How may I be of service to you today?”


“What do you want?”



Click Here To Continue

Michael Bukowski's latest Lovecraftian illustration ROCKS!

What's better than gay marriage becoming legal in NY?

The fact that gay marriage becoming legal made National Organization for Marriage leader Brian Brown cry!

 

 

This delicious schadenfreude courtesy of BUZZFEED

TOPLESS ROBOT'S Shaun Clayton has a description of Sinistar's voice that is sheer poetry!

 

...With a frightening metal face, it tells you to "RUN, RUN RUN" and will scream at you like Tom Waits yelling through a McDonald's drive through speaker after getting hot grease on his balls. ..

 

Click here to read the rest of the thought provoking article 10 Classic Arcade Games to Prepare for the Robot Holocaust

Ooops! I almost forgot about the new MIN/max!

'Doctor's Convention' by Lenono

And now the theme from SUPERSONIC MAN will be playing through your head all day too...

Evolution Of The Doctor Who Title Sequence (unless you believe they've been intelligently designed)

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th Of July Everyone!

NYARLATHOTEP never looked so good!

 

More fantastic artwork from Michael Bukowski at YOG-BLOGSOTH 

 

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Al And Tallulah’s Wild Ride part two

Price Breaks And Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Seven

Al And Tallulah’s Wild Ride

part two






“Now Al,” Paper Shredder store manager Mr. Palmer walked up behind me, “you know that reading books instead of working is the same thing as stealing.”


“Oh I’m sorry sir.” I fumbled the volume back onto the shelves.


“What is it you’re looking at anyway?” He pulled the volume back off the shelf, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting?”


“It’s… a research… for a story about a serial killer baby...”


He rolled his eyes, “I don’t know what kind of person would read a story written by you but I can only feel pity for the twisted blackened remnants of their souls.”


Somehow the fourth wall didn’t collapse and kill us both so I said, “Well I guess I should just get back to work then.”


“I think so.”


I started to leave and turned back, “You have a family don’t you?”


“Yup two kids and another on the way,” he smiled proudly.


“So I guess being a manager is a good deal right?”


Mr. Palmer laughed, “No. I barely make ends meet.”


“Then…” I had to scratch my head, “…Then why are you doing it?”


“Because I can’t find a job anywhere else,” he explained, “managers are salaried but the only way we can meet deadlines is to work at least 60 hours a week. I barely have any quality time at all with my family.”


“Oh.”


“And the only thing the district manager loves to make more than surprise inspections is making managers eat crap sandwiches.”


With every word Mr. Palmer spoke the whites of his eyes showed more and more. I had wanted to ask him about the benefits package and chances for promotion but I was afraid those eyes of his might roll back in his head.


I tried to stay calm, “I guess I should plan for a career somewhere else.”


“Oh you can get a foot in the door here but just be ready to kiss school and your social life goodbye. Every day you’ll die inside just a little bit more until the only way you’ll be able to feel joy is by masturbating in the privacy of your camped office.”


“I am so glad you opened up to me like this.” I backed away, “But I should probably go and unpack some more boxes of romance novels.”


“Sure, sure.” He waved me away, “And has that handbook of nude photography I ordered come in yet?”


“I think… I think it got lost in the mail...”



*



So management wasn’t for me, honestly it was almost a relief, but I still had to wonder what other choices I had. Did I dare go crawling back to Paul DeSanti and try and get a picture truck of my own? I had heard he was branching out into bootleg videos and considering this was the late 80’s that put him pretty far head of the curve.


I thought about talking to one of my friends but I knew that each of them were at the same stage of their lives. Like children we were all taking our first fumbling, uncertain footsteps into the world of adulthood- some of us would soon break into a run to greet those challenges but most of us were poised to go crashing face first into the glass coffee table of maturity.


So what was I going to do? How was I going to take care of the girl of my dreams and the baby that might be?


There was a solution of course, one as obvious as it was scary.


I could join the Army.





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