Corpse Wars:
The Fandom Menaced
episode three
By
Al Bruno III
...suddenly the body reared up. It clawed at Alec, grabbing hold of his hat and shirt. Its mouth lolled open in anticipation, drooling cold rivulets of blood and spittle. Mark pulled Alec clear, leaving the zombie holding the older man’s baseball cap and nothing more.
They stared disbelievingly at the dead man as it tried to lunge at them. The seatbelt held it in place.
Mark shook his head, “I don’t want to say I told you so…”
“He’s… he’s got my hat!”
“He almost got you.”
“I’ve had that hat since 1980!” Alec shouted to no one in particular.
The zombie tried to lunge for them a few more times, Mark wondered if that was frustration he saw on its face.
Can zombies get frustrated? Mark wondered.
Then the dead man gave up and turned its attention to other things.
“Oh, now he’s eating it!” There were tears in Alec’s eyes, “I lost my virginity wearing that hat.”
Mark shook his head, “We don’t have time for the Booth Babe story again, let’s just get out of here.”
“No.” Alec said, “Now I’m determined. I’m going to go in the house here and see if we can get a gun or a golf club or something.”
“And then what?” Mark looked up and down the street wondering how long they had before another group of zombies found them.
“And then we take care of mister hat eater here and we drive off into the sunset.”
“You’re going to kill that thing?”
“Yes.” Alec headed up the steps to the house, the doorknob had been torn off the hinges. “How hard could it be? It’s only like what… a one hit die creature? Come on, I need you to watch my back.”
Mark turned to go, “You’re bonkers. I am not going in there. Let’s just keep moving.”
“Man. You may be a Star Wars fan but your soul will forever be in Tosche Station picking up power converters.”
Mark rounded on him, “Oh screw you!”
But Alec had already gone inside. The front door of the house swung to a close and bounced back open again. Mark glared at it for a good long time and then looked back at the thing in the red escort. It was staring at him vacantly, bits of baseball cap between its teeth.
“What?” Mark said to it, “I’m not afraid of you. I’m just cautious. There’s nothing wrong with being cautious. Somebody’s got to be the voice of reason. Somebody’s got to be the designated driver.”
The zombie watched him, slowly shifting in its seat.
“Alec?” Mark shouted towards the house, “Having any luck?”
There was no answer, so he called again. Still nothing.
This is ridiculous, he thought. We could be anywhere by now.
Mark called into the house, “I bet that car doesn’t even have half a tank of gas.”
Another minute passed.
“And let’s just say this is the end of civilization, then we are missing out on all the prime looting. Everyone else will have canned goods and battery powered radios, we’ll be chowing down on dog food and Mr. Pibbs while trying to figure out how to set up a crystal radio… Not that you care.”
A distant sound startled Mark from his grumblings, it sounded like a chorus of moans and grunts. It was growing closer.
Oh no…
Mark walked out to the end of the driveway, the zombie snatched at him half-heartedly. The house was a few feet from a four way intersection. He looked in each direction but couldn’t see where the sound was coming from.
“Alec!” He shouted again, “Alec, we’re gonna have company! Alec!”
There was still no answer. Mark looked to the front door of the house.
What do I do? Do I go in after him? What if I get trapped? People always get trapped in the house by in these situations. Unless of course they get surrounded and piled on outdoors. God I hate zombie movies. Why couldn’t this be an attack of giant insects or aliens?
The moaning sounds were growing closer, the zombie in the car started to mutter in response to them. Mark had to wonder how many of the things were headed this way and how much longer he had to dick around while his friend was off on a glorified panty raid. Mark ran over to the side of the house looking for something he could use as a weapon. He found a rake, a rusty ten speed bicycle and a moldy garden hose.
“Alec!” Mark shouted again, “Alec I’m coming in!”
The zombie in the red escort snatched at Mark again as he passed, catching hold of his Jedi robes. Mark yanked them free and then took a swing with the rake. Three of the rake’s four points buried in the zombie’s forearm with a wet sound that set Mark’s teeth on edge.
“Take that.” Mark pulled the rake free, ready to strike again.
The zombie caught the metal handle and held tight.
“Hey. Hey! Let go!”
The zombie started pulling Mark closer.
Mark pulled back, “What the Hell are you doing? Give me that!”
The zombie dragged him another footstep closer, Mark pulled with all his might but his hands were too sweaty, they slipped down the length of the handle.
This is so embarrassing…
The front door of the house crashed open, Mark let the rake go so he could glare at Alec, “Well I hope you’re happy because –”
Except it wasn’t Alec standing there, it was a dead woman with blood all over her and one of her eyes dangling loosely from the socket. Snarling she shambled towards Mark...
Had to be what, a one-hit target? Oh you slay me with your funnies.
ReplyDeleteLaughing my ass off at the thought of them chowing down on dog food and Mr Pibb's. Hope they get out of this.
ReplyDelete