5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty One Through Nine Hundred

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty One

By now she was running on fumes but that was what happened when you ate seven burritos before a marathon.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty Two

“Am I worried about facing the Juggler?” Captain Hero laughed, “No! He's got more balls than brains.”

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty Three

“For the last time Judy,” Lorelei said, “being a Wiccan is more than not trimming your bush!”

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty Four

Sherrie's wedding day turned out just as she imagined there was a fire, a limousine crash and she got a near fatal lung infection.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty Five

Someone on the team should have realized that a surprise party for one of the world's greatest detectives was doomed to fail.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty Six

If there was one thing Mark hated it was music, that was why he was the perfect radio programmer.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty Seven

The round began, Reggie crapped in his hand and threw at his adversary. Xtreme Fighting had never been so extreme.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty Eight

Zardek the Magnificent was a magician and an escape artist, naturally he had no trouble avoiding jury duty.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Fifty Nine

The CEO used a satellite video linkup from his private yacht to explain to the employees about his new cost cutting measures.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty

Jason Magwier hated working alone because he had no one to be cryptic to.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty One

He had a successful run starring in porn films but was soon forgotten as audiences moved on to the next big thing.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty Two

In 2012 Apple introduced the edible online integrated iCecream, Apple fans just melted but there were some headaches.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty Three

Buying the lingerie was easy, getting his wife to actually wear it for him? That was going to be tough.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty Four

She was a sex symbol, but the symbol was the same as the one used for biohazards.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty Five

“Demons...” Jason Magwier sneered with contempt, “the gold farmers of the supernatural world.”

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty Six

Amazing Ed lay crumpled on the ground cursing himself for not remembering to throw his grapple line THEN leap from the rooftop.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty Seven

Of all the tender deceptions, “If you loved me you would,” is the most dangerous.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty Eight

The mobster with baggy pants shouted, “You gotta have some stones to be messin' with Vito the Scrote!”

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Sixty Nine

It was a summer romance and he swore he would never forget her but by the fall he could only remember her name.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy

The boss might not have gotten all that upset at Scott for sleeping at his desk, but Scott liked to sleep in the nude.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy One

A flask of tequila, a citronella candle and a hypoglycemic lady wrestler was all it took for Monica to lose her security deposit.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy Two

Bad Dungeon Masters don't go to Hell, but they do have to live in their own campaign worlds.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy Three

An evil villain with a body made of toxic waste was not unheard of, a body of toxic waste with an evil mind was something new.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy Four

Sure they had told her to expect anything but she didn't know pirates knew how to use toboggans.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy Five

Zeth hated not having some kind of handgun with him, knife fights were too bloody and unprofessional.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy Six

Some of his days at work were busy and some were boozy and he didn't think much of the mornings after either.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy Seven

The citizens of Stoneville were proud to have Frogman as their official superhero, they accepted him warts and all.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy Eight

He had been in prison and he had been married with children, at least in prison he had a better chance of uninterrupted lovemaking.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Seventy Nine

It was easy enough for the Maven to capture the Crime Countess once she realized only one store in town sold leather bodysuits.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty

“It's not a recipe for disaster,” Jason Magwier said, “more of a rough outline really.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty One

Out of ammo they held the Nazi's off by throwing eggs. Such is the legend of Force Hen from Navarone.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty Two

Again and again she complained to the Angels of the Lord that the Pagans were ruining the Rapture for everybody.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty Three

Laser-Face, the man with the hologram head was a master of disguise with death ray eyes. See? His theme song practically writes itself.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty Four

The most famous member of Emo Force had claws and super-healing. They called her 'the Cutter'.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty Five

Special Agent Krump realized that being put in charge of 'Operation Nerf Dildo' proved he wasn't taken seriously.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty Six

He was one of the rare individuals that considered a colonoscopy to be a form of sexual healing.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty Seven

None of the Local Heroes liked dealing with vampires but they had become a seasonal problem after Great Undead Hoedown of 1975.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty Eight

Judy Bauer didn't really have anything against the guy but how could you not taunt someone that had taken a vow of silence?

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Eighty Nine

It was a mild surprise to see a porn film starring someone she knew. It was a major surprise that the shop teacher was so limber.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety

It wasn't that he wanted to get evicted but it was the only way he could get someone to help him move that damn folding couch.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety One

There were no easy answers or simple solutions, too bad we were surrounded by idiots.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety Two

Despite his frequent bouts of laryngitis he was the best equestrian trainer in the business, a veritable Hoarse Whisperer.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety Three

A shoving match broke out between the girls, their corsages locked and suddenly dresses were in shreds. It was the best prom ever.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety Four

It was fairly easy for Jason Magwier to visit someone in their dreams but he always ended up looking like his worst nightmare.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety Five

Captain Hero found himself frighting alone against the worst of the Shellfish Gang; Overkrill, Johnny Crawdad and Fred Lobster.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety Six

He had a 'never say' die attitude, which was perfect for a vampire.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety Seven

No one in the Local Heroes minded a few wisecracks but Amazing Ed's constant quoting of Monty Python and the Holy Grail had to go.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety Eight

He took two sleeping pills before deciding to pleasure himself. His wife never let him live down how she found him the next day.

5 Second Fiction Eight Hundred and Ninety Nine

It was later revealed that Willy Wonka won a bet with the Devil and melted the resulting golden fiddle down into five tickets.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred

Judy had a kind of radar that made her notice every douche-bag in the room and a kind of gravity that drew her to them.

(Recommended Reads) "Holy Donuts" by Neil Shurley

Torus of love. Frosting of light. Sprinkles of peace.

Wherever we gather, whenever we gather, we take the donut, we break it and we bless it, saying, "Take. Eat. Holy pastry purchased for you."...

click here to read the rest

(Recommended Reads) "Beware Of Geeks Bearing Gifts" by Heather Lloyd

'The paramedics found it strange that before they had even arrived on the scene someone had left a bunch of flowers next to the tragic accident...'

click here to read the rest

(Recommended Reads) "A Tale of Thieves" by Leigh Barlow

Kiro poked the fire with a long stick. For a moment the flames leapt higher, then the logs shifted and the heat died down. The trees that ringed the clearing slid back into the shadows of the evening as the light diminished.

“Have you finished skinning those rabbits?”

Amon looked up from where he knelt. “You are always in such a hurry. Do not rush the artist while he works.”...

click here to read the rest

(Recommended Reads) "After Hours" by Laura Eno

3 A.M. No chance of any hapless customer wandering into the entrance of Hell, so the pool table at Lucien's Bar transformed into a poker round. Clotho sat between Death and Michael; Lucien, Chronos and War took the other spots...

click here to read the rest

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred And One Through Nine Hundred And Fifty

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and One

There was no doubt in Karl's mind he would have escaped the police raid if the peep show booth hadn't gotten gummed shut.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Two

Amoeba-Man split into two Amoeba-Men; once the robbers were caught they argued over who should the get credit.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Three

"Unlike you, I learned that a hero's tale is just the seed of a tragedy."

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Four

Lester the Leper lost his job at the frozen yogurt stand for leaving lumps in the Smoothies.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Five

"It was me that nailed horseshoes to that lawman," he confessed, "I shod the sheriff."

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Six

Magwier considered the plate of food he held, “Why is it evil masterminds always have the best buffets?”

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seven

She sat in the bathroom and tried to imagine the noise from the stall beside her was just a wildly malfunctioning coffeemaker.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eight

The super-powerful, super-obese superhero named Thunder had one weakness, and to no one's surprise it was diabetes.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Nine

Some commented that he better not quit his day job but as a blogger he did his best work while he was at his day job.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Ten

Two figures of pure evil rose up from the pentagram. A voice said, “I am Farnak the Soul-Render!... and this is my trainee.”

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eleven

The Grackle and Pinkeye were two very different kinds of super-villains but both had powers that were unnervingly moist.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twelve

Corpses had been left on front lawns every morning, Special Agent Krump wasn't shocked to discover the killer's name was Dewy.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirteen

Until carpal tunnel prematurely ended her career she was the best Fluffer in the business, making money hand over fist.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fourteen

Zeth said, “There are two things you'll never beat me at- Russian roulette and poetry slams, I'm well rehearsed for both.”

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifteen

Once he got a job repossessing time machines the days just seemed to fly by.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Sixteen

By 2025 Social Networking had become so all-encompassing that global conflicts were settled via MAFIA WARS.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Seventeen

“Are you kidding?” Agent Krump said, “The bureau's best hostage negotiator can't get his wife to let him go to a bachelor party?”

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Eighteen

Amazing Ed usually cracked jokes while fighting crime but lately he'd had a bad case of quipper's block.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty

Special Agent Mario Krump betrayed his nation and his ideals but by God he was a size 7 again!

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty One

Hers was a lifetime of bad decisions, she had always considered consistency her strong suit.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty Two

Cyborg Rusty Johnson told the rest of the team he would be in his room buffing. Thalia completely misunderstood.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty Three

As a rational man Greg understood that there was always a chance of being raped to death by an albino baboon. But at the Wal Mart?

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty Four

Over the years she taught him meaning ecstasy but she damn well never got him to remember how to spell it.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty Five

Getting a reputation didn't worry Audra, especially not while she was having one night stands using her roommate's name.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty Six

"Not so violent after all are you Doomsday Girl?" Captain Hero said, "Smoke bombs, rubber bullets, I bet this katana isn't- OW!"

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty Seven

Stan needed eye-drops, ear-drops and nose-drops, Stan also liked to pick the labels off things. Disaster was inevitable.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty Eight

Amazing Ed bragged the government had laced his bones with calcium. No one ever explained all the things wrong with that statement.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Twenty Nine

“It never fails. You start out studying metaphysics and you end up running through the sewers with pieces of skull on your shoes.”

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty

Time travelers always win the lottery.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty One

Lorelei stared in disappointment at the ancient idol, “This is the blasphemous 'Pain Of The Goat? It wouldn't even piss off PETA!”

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty Two

Soon everyone knew the stomach turning legend of Bleedy McSquirt- two-fisted crime-fighting hemophiliac.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty Three

Captain Hero caught hold of the landing gear of the rapidly ascending helicopter and then realized he had no idea what to do next.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty Four

The aliens were so misshapen, slimy and fleshy that only aficionados of hi-def porn could comfortably communicate with them.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty Five

Madness had left her constantly tormented by angry voices, it made her perfect for call center work.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty Six

"I must rescue the Earl of Salisbury, I know what's at stake."

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty Seven

Mr. Nice Guy fought crime in River City with reason, charity and kindness; he had every bone in his body broken at least once.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty Eight

Karl asked "Why do you keep staring at me?" She said, "Because you're the ugliest man I've ever seen." "Oh," Karl said.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Thirty Nine

“What do you want?” Magwier asked. “Two things,” Lorelei replied, “Frozen custard and oral sex and not in that order.”

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty

When Little Vito marked you for death he used a puffy unicorn sticker. It was more humiliating that way.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty One

In this age of voluntary online nudity a peeping tom seems almost quaint.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Two

Don told the kids a bedtime story, the story was about how their mother was bleeding him dry with alimony payments.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Three

The Blue Bolt like to break wind while he broke the sound barrier, he kept the streets free of crime, and pedestrians, and pets.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Four

"The saints of gunpowder and the firing pin either didn't know the difference between a worshiper and a target. Or didn't care."

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Five

Bob had been celibate for six years... but not on purpose.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Six

Johnny Priapism had a reputation as one of the meanest porn stars in the world but as he got older he became a real softy.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Seven

She gave up greasy foods for grains; it was out of the frying pan and into the fiber.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Eight

In the end it was all dismissed as a terrible accident but some said Scarlet Sentinel shouldn't have been texting while flying.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Forty Nine

The hospital tried to use bungee catheters but it was a bit of a stretch.

5 Second Fiction Nine Hundred and Fifty

The dean of the school would go missing for days so Audra liked to break into his house, that was how she found the secret passage.