FRESH OFF THE BUS FROM CREEPYTOWN: Foolproof

 

By

Al Bruno III

 

By the time anyone sees this, it will be too late, and I will be at peace.

I am not the first person to find themselves tired of life, and I won't be the first person to put an end to it all. Some people commit suicide via handfuls of pills or with warm baths and cut wrists. That isn't for me. That's too gentle, too clean. It doesn't show enough contempt for what this world makes of you. I'm going to cut my own throat, left to right, ear to ear, and I'm doing it in the morning. I would have liked for there to have been a sunrise for my final moments, but the forecasts are cloudy with a chance of rain.

One more disappointment.

The blade is in my hand, a well-used boning knife with a serrated edge. I've been preparing for almost half a year, studying medical journals and tracing the path the knife must take. This isn't the kind of thing you can practice easily, but I think I've developed a foolproof technique. One clean cut will sever both my carotid arteries- just so long as I don't lose my nerve or fumble the job. The last thing I want to do is survive and have to explain what I have done.

I've decided to do it in my home while wearing my best suit. I will be standing in front of the window with my favorite album playing, Abbey Road, and I will make the cut in the pause between 'The End' and 'Her Majesty.'

A gravesite has already been purchased, and a closed casket and a quiet burial have been requested. My will specifies that my estate will be liquidated and dispersed to whatever charities might be interested.

Don't think I've chosen this path because of some kind of mental illness; this may be the sanest decision I have ever made. Life has its joys, but I think that if you really keep track, the tragedies always outweigh the triumphs. We all try so hard, but in the end, what is it worth? Everything dies, everything rots away; the evening news gets bleaker, and the nights grow longer. The old sayings like "Better to have loved and lost" or "If you first you don't succeed try, try again." are cruel platitudes created by one generation to pass their misery on to the next. 

Some philosopher said it was better to have never been born and I can't say I disagree with him. Better never to have been born at all but in absence of that better to die.

I'm sure you're shaking your head at this, wishing you could have told me how wrong I was. You probably think life is sweet, and you might wonder why I didn't reach out to my friends and family. To someone that might profess to care about me.

But that would be impossible because they're all dead already. 

I had to practice my foolproof technique somehow.