Price Breaks and Heartaches: part thirteen

Price Breaks and Heartaches A journal of retail and failed romance
Part Thirteen
The Gravity Of My Depravity

(These things actually happened and I don’t know who to apologize to first.)

With all apologies to my parents I have to admit that in the end I had no graduation date because I had no date for my graduation. Now it isn't really Tallulah's fault this happened, she wasn't the one that was too busy feeling sorry for herself to take responsibility for her own destiny. That was all me dear reader and let me assure you that over the next few years this was a talent I would develop a mastery over. The ceremony was held at Proctor's theater in Schenectady and I wasn't sure if the graduating class was too large or if the venue was too small but I was sure that the Valedictorian's speech made no sense whatsoever- especially when she started quoting from Casey Kasem. I watched my friends march across the stage one by one wondering to myself if I had made yet another bad decision but I knew somehow my destiny lay elsewhere I knew that someday people all over the world would be reading my work. I mean sure there are only 50 or so of you but you are from all over the world damnit!

After the ceremony there was a gathering at Ginger’s home, where the cakes and coffees only served to accent the whole funeral atmosphere.

*

"I can’t believe you were there with us." She said. There were a dozen or so graduates of varying ages milling around her house, swapping stories and discussing short term and long term plans.

"But there’s so much more to learn." I mustered a smile, "Maybe I’ll go for a teaching degree or a master’s degree in performance art or Lovecraft Studies."

Will was eating a cupcake, vanilla frosting had gotten up his nose making him look like a coke addict with bad allergies, "I thought you were thinking about acting?"

"Well kinda." I said and I will confess to you constant readers that one of my lost dreams was to act in a horror film, specifically I had wanted to be the slasher’s first victim. You know what I mean, the fat kid left alone at the campfire while all the other kids wander off into the woods to have sex. Sadly I am too old and bald to play such a part now but if any of you aspiring directors out there need someone to play a creepy janitor or deranged transvestite I could be just what you need. Call my agent.

Ginger placed a hand on my shoulder, "Well just keep at your studies. I thought I was going to take a year off from college and I ended up finally getting my degree almost twenty years later."

"Don’t worry. That won’t happen to me." If I hadn’t been too busy gnawing on a piece of stale coffee cake I might have heard the gods of irony laughing hysterically.

"I think I might get into teaching too." Pricilla said.

"There’s no money in that." Her boyfriend said, he was a man of equal parts rugged good looks and selfish two year old, so of course she was crazy about him.

Will on the other hand looked like he wanted to smother him with a doily. Just a few minutes of talking to the man made me want to help.

Her boyfriend said, "We’re not going to be able to get married like you want if you’re too busy being a full time student. It perturbs me."

"Well," I said, "What’s more important? Working to live or living to work?"

Ginger smiled, "What a great thought Al."

"Thanks." I preened, "I totally stole it."

Pricilla gave me a nudge, "Stealing material? You’re a real writer now."

Her boyfriend stared at his eighty dollar sneakers, "This conversation perturbs me. People work because they have to. The only people that enjoy their work are artists."

I poured myself a soda, "I’m not sure if Vincent Van Gogh would agree with you."

Pricilla said, "Well all I know is that we haven’t heard the last from you Al. I expect that one of these days I’m going to walk into a bookstore and find you there."

I shrugged, "Well I do work at a book store."

"That’s not what I meant you big goof." Pricilla gave her boyfriend a big hug, "What did I tell you about him? You should read one of his stories sometime."

Her boyfriend shrugged her off, "Hey you know what I told you about public displays of affection. They perturb me."

"You know," I said, "you could just skip ahead on your word-a-day calendar. No one would judge you."

*

That week I made plans for my third year at the two year college and decided the best thing to do was start taking a class or two at other campuses that way no one would realize I was taking the same subjects over an over again until I perfected them. With school over for the summer I let my bosses know I was available to work more hours and they let me know that they could care less because if I hit 40 hours a week I would have to get full time employee benefits.

I kept at the writing and I felt that I was doing better and better with each manuscript, I wrote a long novella that was my take on Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, mostly because I felt he’d pussied out at the end. I even managed to get a whole book done in record time and I even sent it out a few times. A publisher even took a moment to tell me that I had a great ear for dialogue but I was still unpublished.

*

"I was wondering when the new Mac Bolan novels will be available." The man in the beret asked.

"Oh. I'm not sure." I looked up from shelving books in the horror section, it was the smallest section of the store but I considered it mine. I made sure all my favorite authors and books were prominently displayed; Light At Then End by John Skipp and Craig Spector, Crucifax by Ray Garton, Night Songs by Charles L Grant,Deathgrip by Brian Hodge, The Drive In by Joe Lansdale and anything by the talented and dreamy Clive Barker. I made sure my favorite titles faced out and 'forgot' to send them back when it was time to return them and make room for the latest shipment of novels from John Saul or VC Andrews.

The man in the beret frowned, "They were supposed to be out last week. I still do not see them. The other titles have already arrived- Stony Man, Phoenix Force and Able Team. Where is Mac Bolan pray tell? They all arrive in the same box don't they?"

He was right so I went in the back room and dug the slim paperbacks out from under a pile of romance novels. When I brought them out the man in the Beret took the top one and went to the register with out so much as a thank you or even an 'I told you so'. Since I still had a handful of the paperbacks in my hand I went to the 'men's adventure' spin rack that blocked the aisle between mystery and general fiction. As always fitting a new bunch of novels on the rickety old thing meant some rearranging had to be done so I got to work.

You can imagine my surprise when a few minutes later a grenade rolled between my legs and bumped into the spinner rack. I stumbled backwards to feel a garrote wrap around my throat. I was pulled back choking and terrified. I had heard that Ivanhoe Books Incorporated was -planning to reduce staff for the summer months but I had never expected anything like this.

"Guess what?" A familiar voice hissed in my ear, "The army surplus store had a sale."

Gordon released me and I steadied myself on nearby shelf of self-help books. "Oh it's you." I said rubbing my throat, "I was worried it was someone crazy."

I hadn't seen much of Gordon since I left the Julia Shop, I knew he had lost his job at the arcade. There were rumors of theft but no one could prove where the Crazy Climber arcade game he kept in his closet came from so I won't judge.

"You're soft man." Gordon said, "What would you do if World War III broke out?"

"Die in a ball of nuclear hellfire?"

"I'm like Chewbacca man, I've always got my weapons close at hand." He retrieved the diffused grenade.

"I don't think Chewbacca carried piano wire and brass knuckles."

"I think it was implied."

It was about time for my break so I invited him to join me at the Woolworth's lunch counter and we talked about the state of our lives, the conversation was a little depressing but when you compared it the open faced meatloaf sandwiches we had been served it was positively uplifting. It turned out that Gordon had been working as a door to door Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman but he had been let go when several houses on his route had their welcome mats mysteriously catch fire. Gordon explained that the fact they hadn't answered the door when he knocked was a terrible coincidence.

As was the fact the police found him carrying lighter fluid with him, Gordon insisted he was just holding it for a friend.

*

My sister left home again but this time it was to get married. She was awfully young to be doing it but the family begrudgingly accepted it. I had always thought I would be the first to leave home- well actually thrown out is the word I would have used. With her gone the house felt empty, it was just me and my mother and stepfather now.

And my brother.

And my grandmother.

And my great-grandmother.

And the up to 12 shih tzu puppies that were wandering the house at any time.

See? It was a ghost town without her.

*

But we still shared Sunday dinners whenever we could, or at least the different factions of the family that were speaking that week did. In fact in most cases it was a good Sunday dinner that made everyone change sides for a while. This weeks combatants were myself, my mother, stepfather, brother, sister and my shiny new brother in law Lloyd.

Everyone was busy serving themselves and as I waited for the plates to come around I tried to get to know my new brother in law a little better. I started with the basics asking him what he did for a living.

"Blacktopping mostly." He said, "Car detailing too."

"I see. I don’t know much about either, is there good money in it." The potatoes had reached me I figured one scoop was the best way to go considering the number of guests today but under normal circumstances I go for two scoops, that way I can mix in my peas and have an overall even mix.

"I have no complaints."

My grandmother asked, "Can you afford a house?"

"It depends on the kind of a house."

"Well an apartment is a nice way to start." I said, "Maybe you should try a condo."

Lloyd gave me a funny look, "She’s on the pill not that its any of your business."

Thankfully the plate brimming with ham steak reached me and I kept busy with that.

"Take more." My great grandmother said, "You need to eat."

My brother Phil laughed at that, "No he doesn’t."

"Dupek."

"Everyone is so concerned with my well being." I said.

My mother explained, "We worry about you. You haven’t been the same since your girlfriend broke up with you."

"Well that which does not destroy me only makes me stronger right." I tried to sound chipper but I kept my eyes on the gravy boat, "And considering my soul has been crushed I must be doing awesome."

My stepfather said, "I think you’re being a little dramatic."

Actually the real drama was the night of the breakup but thankfully no one had seen me tearing at my clothes and then shut myself in the closet so I could scream into my fist in privacy.

Phil said, "He was gonna marry her. Heck he thought she was pregnant."

A collective gasp went up from the table. I blushed, "Actually I was going to marry her anyway."

"Married?" My grandmother said, "You’re still a baby with milk in your mouth."

"You shouldn’t be in such a hurry to get married." My mother said, "I married your father when I was too young and look what happened."

"Uhm." I said. Actually that was all I dared say. My Dad’s version of the story was very different but it was not the kind of thing to bring up there; especially not when the peas hadn’t reached me yet. My sister Greta looked a little uncomfortable with the whole getting married too young subject.

"You should join the army." My stepfather said, "It would help you grow up."

I answered honestly, "I’m not sure if that’s the right choice for me."

"Besides," my brother said, "the army doesn’t take retards."

"Yes they do." My stepfather corrected, "It’s called officers school."

Ah humor in uniform.

"So." I deftly changed the subject, "Blacktopping huh? Sounds pretty seasonal."

"Actually..." Lloyd explained, "In the off season you can do a lot of work patching driveways. That road salt is a bitch."

My mother gave my arm a good slap, "I can't believe you almost got a girl pregnant."

"Mom." I said, "We're talking about blacktopping now."

"You better be careful." My grandmother cautioned.

"Yeah." Lloyd said, "And wear a condo."

There was a brief pause in the conversation while I tried not to choke to death on a mouthful of mashed potatoes. Once my air tubes had cleared and the spots had gone from my eyes I said, "You don't need to worry about me."

"We worry about you a lot." My mother said, "You're moody, you started playing those stupid games again and you're spending so much money on pornography."

At the time I remember thinking to myself that if there truly was a loving God with a plan for my life then 'pornography' was just my mother's sarcastic way to referring to my small fortune of Doctor Who related merchandise.

"Your mother has a point," my stepfather said, "How many stroke mags does one guy need?"

At the time I remember thinking Screw you God. The feeling may have been mutual.

"How do you guys know this?" I asked. After all I wouldn't have a blog for over a decade yet.

With that my brother got up and went into my room and I already knew that he was looking behind the dresser in the old book bag. He brought a pile of dirty magazines roughly the size of a toaster right to the dinner table. "Look at this." Phil said, "Five bucks... six bucks... twelve dollars!"

"Ah," I tried to explain, "That one is a collectors' edition."

*

At least my humiliation took the heat off my sister for the night. I suppose that counts for something. Of course I had been so publicly shamed that I ended up throwing all my magazines away- collectors' editions and all.

Still though, nothing could shame me out of my semi weekly journey into the world of dungeons and d20's.

*

Norm's Dungeons & Dragons campaign had ended with the entire party dying profoundly humiliating deaths- we were attacked by a band of Nazi pixies. I'll spare you the gory details; I'll just say that the battle ended with them goose-stepping away from our mutilated bodies leaving a trail of twinkling dust in their wake.

So it was agreed that Curtis would run his game for a while. And I have to say that his vision of sword and sorcery was very much in the vein of Robert E Howard.

If Robert E Howard had made is living writing letters for Penthouse Forum that is.

“So let me get this straight.” I said, “We’re in a world were the fishnet stockings were invented before gunpowder?”

“Exactly,” Curtis stood at the head of the coffee table wearing a t-shirt that proclaimed Gamers Do It By The Rules. His gaming rulebooks and dice were arrayed around him. He had also created some illustrations as well. These illustrations mainly involved elf women with bowling ball sized breasts standing uncomfortably close. “This is a world where the oppressed people have turned to hedonism as a coping mechanism.”

“What the fuck is hedonism?” Daniel was in his usual spot on the loveseat, a twelve pack of Mountain Dew was at his side and he was slowly making his way through it. I wondered idly if he would be able to make his saving throw vs. diabetes.

Orville was sitting on the couch with Norm and Will, “Something Al will never experience.”

“Fuck you.” I said from my trusty folding chair. Not the cleverest of comebacks I admit.

Norm looked up from his character sheet, “Of course you realize my anti-paladin is having none of this.”

“Maybe not,” Curtis suggested.

“No.”

“I mean an anti-paladin could take a vow of anti-celibacy.”

“No.”

With that Curtis began to set the scene, his game world was one where a family of magic using black dragons ruled over the land, a world where ordinary citizens were worked to exhaustion and killed at the merest whim of masters. Not too bad I admit but unfortunately this was also a world where all half-elf women were automatically bi-sexual, where chain mail loincloths were the outfit du-jour and Halflings were naturally free of body hair.

The party had gathered in a local tavern to meet with the leader of the resistance, naturally this was a Dungeons & Dragons tavern that was also a strip club.

Come for the boobies stay for the mutton.

I was playing my default character, a dwarf fighter of good alignment. Norm was an anti-paladin, Will a thief acrobat, Daniel was a ninja, Orville was a magic user with psionics. Our characters got to know each other between lap dances.

“A half-elf approaches you.” Curtis finally said, “He gives the secret handsign for the resistance.”

“We return it.” Norm said.

Daniel snorted, “Speak for yourself my character is too awesome to do that.”

Orville said, “I use my psionics to make the ninja return the secret handsign.”

There was some resistance to this idea but after a brief argument and some spectacular die rolls the ninja gave the required salute and then for good measure he climbed up on the table and clucked like a chicken.

“Now that that’s over,” Curtis said. “The half elf introduces himself as Elrond Jeremy.”

I buried my face in my hands.

*

And that was how our characters reached second level and were inducted into the Order of the Golden Codpiece. I began to notice that most my pier group were awfully sex-obsessed and I started to wonder if that was actually a little bit of our problem. Did our attitudes towards women sabotage us or was this normal natural behavior?

Were we like wild stags locking horns and looking to spread our seed?

Only a sociologist would know for sure but I’m sure that the average wild stag had better luck than us and was probably smart enough not to spend twelve bucks on the Spanking Lesbians Summer Special.

*

At times like this there was always one place I turned and that was to my old man. I feel that my father, for all our conflicts, is the one relative that ever understood me in some way.

And by in some way I mean just barely.

So there I was at his apartment trying to get him the watch the The Wicker Man.

If you have never seen the original version please do so, it is a terrific movie.

Avoid the remake by Neil LaBute at all costs.

Oh and if Neil LaBute happens some how to be reading this blog let me say something;

Neil, whoever she was she broke up with you. Deal with it and get on with your life, maybe make a movie that someone wants to fucking see.

Now where was I?

Ah yes, dinner and a movie with my Dad and his profoundly hot, just a few years older than me girlfriend. Did I mention she was a redhead? Well I didn’t notice for a while myself thanks to the tight shirts she wore.

“Dad,” I began, “Tallulah left me all torn up inside.”

“Good,” He said.

“Okay. Is this one of those that which does not destroy me only makes me stronger kind of things?”

“No. This is because she wasn’t right for you.” My Dad explained. “She was mouthy.”

Dad’s girlfriend nodded in agreement.

I said, “I like to think she was fiery.”

“A girl like that isn’t going to be content just to be with a man.” My Dad explained. “She’ll nag and pick at you until you’re hollow inside. She’ll limit your potential”

“So…” I tried to wrap my head around this, “A man has to be free to grow.”

“Exactly.”

“Like a field of dandelions.”

”For God’s sake Al! What is your mother doing to you?”

My Dad’s girlfriend Tracy spoke up, “Isn’t there something you wanted to tell your son?”

“Oh yes.” My Dad said, “Guess what?”

I shrugged, “You got me an agent?”

“No. Tracy and I are getting married.”

I looked from her to him and back again, “Really? Didn’t your divorce from your last wife just finalize?”

“That’s the point.” He said.

Tracy smiled, “We want to try and start a family.”

I stared at the dinner table with its heaping bowls of Italian food, I decided it was time for a third helping of everything. I didn’t begrudge my old man his love life; I just wish I understood what he did right that I did wrong.

Was it the kind of women I was chasing? I didn’t know where I could find a more demure class of women in Albany, I wondered if a trip to Amish country might be in order. Should I be looking for love and letting the sex happen naturally or looking for sex and let the love happen when it happens?

“Son,” My Dad said, “I want you to be my best man.”

My best man. I loved the sound of that. Sometimes I felt like I had spent my whole life trying to prove myself my Dad’s equal, trying to make him proud. This was finally a sign that he saw me as a man worthy of his respect.

I said to him, “I would be honored.”

“Good,” He nodded with satisfaction. “But don’t screw this up.”

Ok respect was a work in progress but at least I was making progress.

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