Price Breaks and Heartaches
A journal of retail and failed romance
Still Not Quite What They’re Looking For
“She’s my what?” I said. My surprised shout almost carried over the loud music of the backyard party.
My brother Phil pointed to the girl again. Did I mention she had frizzy hair the color of honey and pert breasts? “She is your latest conquest.”
“How does that work?” I asked. Even now I have never thought of any of the girls in my love life as ‘conquests’; it always seemed more to me like ‘cosmic mercy’.
“She thinks you’re cute,” my brother explained, “it wasn’t easy to find a girl here who did.”
“How wonderful of you to find the one girl with low standards and a stigmatism for me.”
“Will you stop it with the big words until Roy leaves?” My brother punched my arm, “her name is Michelle and I’ve been telling her all about you.”
I smiled warmly at Phil, “Seriously man you didn’t have to.”
“An I made some shit up too.”
“Seriously man you didn’t have to.”
“Now go talk to her man,” he pushed me in her general direction, “play your cards right and she’ll totally give you a handjob.”
I walked unsteadily towards Michelle. I was not unsteady due to the one third of a beer I had consumed, it was the fact I was blushing furiously and getting an erection at the same time. That kind of thing tends to make a man dizzy.
“And don’t forget!” my brother called to me, “her favorite band is Guns n Roses!”
She saw me walking and grinned, then she did that little hair flippy thing girls do to signal that they’re interested in you.
Either that or they have problem dandruff.
It didn’t matter, I was going for it.
“Hi,” I said when I was close enough, “I’m Phil’s brother.”
“Yeah!” she grinned. She was a little bit drunk but since I was a little bit terrified I didn’t mind, “Phil’s brother Axl!”
“Yes...” I grinned back, “I am totally Phil’s brother.”
“It is so cool to meet you! He says you’re a writer.”
Things were getting even louder around us. A second beer keg had arrived and someone was using an aerosol can and a lighter to make an impromptu fireworks display. Michelle and I had to stand closer to hear each other. Her pert breasts pushed into my arm, “You write album reviews for Metroland right?”
“Sure.” I shrugged, “What the Hell.”
“He says you get a lot of free concert tickets,” she licked her lips when she said that.
Actually that wasn’t a lie, I could get a lot of free concert tickets if I wanted. My Dad had a lot of connections with musical venues that hosted more shows of a more ‘light music’ variety. Since I didn’t think the sweet young thing beside me would consider a handjob for a free Kenny Rodgers show a fair exchange I changed the subject, “Tell me something about yourself Michelle.”
“Well, I graduate this year. I’m gonna be a hairdresser. If I play my cards right I might even get a job at one of the places in the mall. Awesome right?”
“You gotta chase your dreams.” I was running out of things to say already, I had no idea how to talk to this girl. It had been so different with Tallulah and Lilly. I’d always had something witty to say to those two and God bless them they’d almost always laughed at my material.
“I also give bikini waxes,” she said, “it’s gonna be the next big thing.”
“Really?” I didn’t think much of what she said then but now I realize Michelle had been on the cutting edge of the pubic paradigm. “Sounds painful.”
“No! It doesn’t hurt at all if you do it quick enough and best part of all there’s no shaving bumps.”
“If you say so,” I nodded.
“Sure. I do it all the time. All I’ve got is like a little landing strip down there,” she waited for my eyes to widen, then she licked her lips again, “Wanna see?”
“I’m... you’re... we...” Now I was really blushing and my hard on was trying to do its best Lou Ferigno impression. A thousand things were going through my mind. This girl really was ready to go but was I? It sounded to me like this she wanted to go all the way and that sounded to me a lot better than a handjob; because after all wasn’t a handjob just outsourcing your masturbation?
I gave her my most seductive stare, “Do you wanna go to my car?”
Michelle’s grin faltered and before I could ask her what was wrong she turned and bolted into the woods behind the house.
My fragile ego began to crumble but then I realized all the other party goers were running for the woods. I looked around for my brother but he was already gone. In fact the backyard had emptied out completely, in a matter of seconds I was the only party goer there.
Just me and the two police officers. We looked at each other for a moment and then one of them asked, “Son, are these beer kegs yours?”