Monday, March 5, 2012

The Creep On The Borderlands part eleven

Price Breaks and Heartaches

A journal of retail and failed romance

Chapter Nine

The Creep On The Borderlands

part eleven

In the interest of moving things along Norm gave my character, Will’s new character and Orville’s pre-rolled new arrival one random magic item each and a S.A.P.E (Standard Adventurer’s Personal Equipment). After that the adventure was underway

Will was especially excited, “This new character of mine is much better then the old one. I’m glad you found him chained to the wall of the swastika shaped treasure room.”

I agreed, “Yeah and we found new weapons and armor better then the old ones.”

Orville looked up from scrutinizing his character sheet, “Who wants a plus one sword? My character already has one.”

“If it’s not a katana it’s not really a plus anything.” Daniel said with a snort.

I stole a glance at Orville’s character sheet, “How did your character start with a plus one sword when -MY GOD look at those stats!”

“Thank you.”

“Eighteen everything?”

He nodded, “The dice were kind.”

“I’m speechless.”

Norm began to set the scene, “Your characters make your way out of the treasure room back into the dungeon. Can I have your marching order please?”

There was a set of miniatures on the table, Daniel started arranging them “The newbies go up front. I do my best work in the shadows.”

“I think that’s how you photograph best too,” I said.

Curtis mimed something unspeakable, “I keep both hands on my wand of wonder.”

“My wizard ties a rope to his familiar and begins to swing it around like a flail,” Buddy said.

Will frowned, “That poor kitty.”

A round or two of wandering later and our team of adventurers ran into a group of kobolds. The combat was savage, my dwarf fighter quickly found himself standing atop a mound of dead monsters his armor and weapons gleaming with blood. Orville waded into the heart of the horde, his claymore killing six at a time. Every once in a while Daniel’s ninja would leap out of the shadows, miss what he was aiming at and then retreat sneering into the darkness. Will scored several kills before his sword broke; the blade flew across the room, tumbling end over end until it severed the rope tied to the tail of Buddy’s cat. Then it was the cat’s turn to go flying through the air. It struck Curtis’s female human fighter in the back. This in turn caused ‘Deb Sonia’ to fumble with the wand of wonder and cast a large fireball into the wall that then rebounded back on all of us.

When it was over Will stared worriedly at his character sheet, “Wow that was a lot of damage. I have like one hit point left.”

I was feeling pretty demoralized myself, “All our treasure melted, all our equipment burned…”

“How could Von Badass be hurt?” Daniel argued, “He was in the shadows, you can’t touch a ninja in the shadows.”

Norm laughed at that, “Fireball spells in enclosed spaces are the great equalizer.”

Buddy was erasing things from his equipment list, “All my robes and spell books are gone. Does my character still have his hip flask of holding?”


“There is no God.”

Orville just grinned, “Well at least I and all my equipment made their saving throws,”

“Next combat,” I said, “I want to use your dice.”

Orville grabbed at them protectively “Not a chance. You’ll just jinx them. You know kind of like what you did with your whole life.”

“I’m sorry guys,” Curtis said, “I still can’t believe that ‘Deb Sonia’ would have allowed a wand to go off prematurely in her hand like that.”

That did it, I had to ask, “Do you have sex on the brain or something?”

“In my opinion if you don’t have sex on the brain then there is something wrong with you. Sex is the inspiration and end result of all of humanities’ efforts. Why do men seek fame and fortune? To get laid. Why do professional athletes risk their long term health? To get laid. Why is there any kind of art in the world at all? So doofy guys can get laid. Desire for sex, fear of sex and even failure to get sex is at the heart of everything.”

“That is a little goofy if you ask me.”

Daniel agreed, “Yeah if that’s true then why are any of us here playing role playing games? It’s not going to get any of us laid.”

“Ah.” Curtis licked at the edges of his mustache, “But the reason we’re here is because we can’t get laid. If we could get laid we wouldn’t be gaming.”

“I had a girlfriend,” I said. “I’ll probably have another one soon. There’s no reason I can’t game and have a love life.”

Orville was spinning his d20’s, “You didn’t have a girlfriend. Blind dates and mercy fucks don’t count.”

“I had a girlfriend and she was beautiful and she loved me.”

“I notice that you’re speaking in the past tense here.”

I frowned, “Tallulah and I went our separate ways, just like in that Journey song.”

“She kicked you to the curb didn’t she?”

“There was no kicking involved I assure you.”

Will said, “I’m just glad my character made it to second level. That’s almost as good as sex.”

“Uh… yeah…”

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