DAWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Thursday, December 30, 2010
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixty Three
Abner Deggent was captured by a band of pirates that only wore soft fabrics but he vowed to escape the Cotton Swabs.
5 second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixty Two
With its vibrating controller and interactive storyline the video game 'Action Masseuse' kept people playing for the happy ending.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixty One
On a dare she ate a DVD of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, 8 hours later she became the first person to die from 'Going Commando'.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixty
Chuck had never been to dinner party hosted by a porn actress before. He had to admit she had quite a spread.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Nine
John tripped, stumbled and fell the dalmatian he was walking. He always was Johnny on the spot.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Eight
The worst blow to his self esteem was when he was spied skinny dipping and people left him extra clothes.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Seven
“Some people think creating an Anti-Flatulence Defamation League was a great idea, others think it stinks.”
Friday, December 24, 2010
(Recommended Reads) DEADISH by Naomi Kramer
“LOOK,” I said, cutting across yet another plea, “You’re dead. You need to accept that.”
“But -”
“No. Stop pretending to be alive. It’s stupid. It’s creepy. Now GO. THE. HELL. AWAY.”
She crossed her arms and stared at me.
“Never.”
I rolled my eyes. Women! Can’t live with ‘em, can’t escape even by killing ‘em...
(Recommended Reads) WINTER'S BRIDE by Icy Sedgwick
Marianne huddles in the corner. Only her hands and nose are visible beneath the heap of moth-eaten blankets in which she swathes herself. The December chill seeps through the old fabric, sinking into her bones. A stub remains of her last candle, and she holds her hands either side of the flickering flame, anxious for warmth...
(Recommended Reads) THE MANY PATHS by Leila
I'm a drifter, a squatter. I have no life of my own. I hear it happens sometimes; a soul gets displaced, and is able to wander about between realities to see every possible life he or she could have had. If it sounds glamorous, I can tell you that it's most certainly not. You never feel... comfortable, in a life. Or maybe it's just me, because I found love and searched through so many lives to find my happy ending. I'm still searching...
(Insane News) Drunk Driver Caught With 15 Sheep In His Car
East London - A drunk motorist was arrested near Queenstown in the Eastern Cape after allegedly being found to be 32 times over the alcohol limit, the department of transport said on Thursday... Five boys and a woman, who were also in the vehicle with 15 sheep allegedly stolen from nearby farms, were also arrested.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
GEEKS OF DOOM brings us an animated adaption of Neil Gaiman's 'Nicholas Was...'
Today we have for you a brief but very cool little video from the talented folks over at 39 Degrees North, a motion graphics studio from Beijing. The short is a video Christmas card adaptation of the Neil Gaiman poem, Nicholas Was…, and it mixes his dark words with equally dark yet truly beautiful animations...
39 Degrees North: Christmas Card 2010 from 39 Degrees North on Vimeo.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Six
On the 12th day of Christmas her true love gave her twelve drummers drumming. Now it was just getting weird.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Five
You better watch out, you better not cry you better not pout I'm telling you why, because we'll put you on Prozac.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Four
On the 11th day of Christmas her true love gave her eleven pipers piping. It gave the four calling birds feelings of inadequacy.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Three
The angel showed Karl what the world would be if he had never existed The only difference was Justin Beiber worked at Burger King.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty Two
On the 10th day of Christmas her true love gave her ten lords a leaping. A must for any DOCTOR WHO fan.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty One
Little Joey wondered why every day couldn't be Christmas. “Because,” Dad said, “I'd be broke.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifty
On the 9th day of Christmas her true love gave her nine ladies dancing. Not the kind of thing you want in a studio apartment.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty Nine
Santa brought granddad some natural male enhancement drugs and Viagra to help him through the long hard winter.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty Eight
On the 8th day of Christmas her true love gave her eight maids a milking. Not really, he just gave her a DVD of German porn.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty Seven
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. So he sued their discriminating asses.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty Six
On the 7th day of Christmas her true love gave her seven swans a swimming. Now things were moving into Hoarders territory.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty Five
Strange magic brought a centurion to the modern age and gifted him with ice powers. Soon all would learn to fear Frosty the Roman.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty Four
On the 6th day of Christmas her true love gave her six geese a laying. Again with the birds!
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty Three
On December eve after falling asleep in a brothel, Abner Deggent was visited by the ghosts of Syphilis past, present and future.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty Two
On the 5th day of Christmas her true love gave her five gold rings. He'd found all kinds of bargains at Mr. T's garage sale.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty One
Taking a hint from Bruce Wayne, Jolly St. Nick created Santa Incorporated so he could spend more time romancing sexy cat burglars.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Forty
On the 4th day of Christmas her true love gave her four calling birds. But then the neighbors complained about the noise.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Nine
The Muse opened her gift from Captain Hero. “Underwear?” she asked. “Take the hint,” he replied. She blushed and crossed her legs
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Eight
On the 3rd day of Christmas her true love gave her three French hens. They were delicious.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Seven
Captain Mendelbaum and his Kosher Commandos drew their laser guns, it was time to show these aliens a real festival of lights.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Six
On the 2nd day of Christmas her true love gave her two turtle doves, making it clear who was behind the recent pet store robberies.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Five
Christmas... Kwanzaa... Hanukkah... the Winter Solstice- just to be fair Larry drank through all of them.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Four
On the 1st day of Christmas her true love gave her a partridge in a pear tree. The sicko had stapled it to one of the branches!
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Three
“I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus- and you really don't want to know what Uncle Roy was doing with that elf.”
All I Want For Christmas Is A Clean Rap Sheet
All I Want For Christmas Is A Clean Rap Sheet
a tale from the Binder Of Shame
by
Al Bruno III
(The following is a mostly true story)
a tale from the Binder Of Shame
by
Al Bruno III
(The following is a mostly true story)
2010 has been a rough year. 2010 has seen setbacks financial and personal. In 2010 my wife and daughter became seriously ill (they’re better now). In 2010 my place of employment shifted its focus from customer service to issuing increasingly bizarre and conflicting directives to its employees. It was a year that our cars regularly broke down and we frequently found ourselves trying to decide between the power bill and the food bill.
Yeah, 2010 was a real bastard of a year and the week before Christmas it delivered the roughest blow yet.
It was a Friday evening, my missus was scrap booking and my daughter was playing video games. I naturally was updating my blog in the hopes that people are still reading this nonsense.
Around eleven o’clock my daughter asked me if we could do something together. She’s ten now and I think we are both becoming aware that time and adolescence would soon come between us. I knew she wanted to go to see the new Yogi Bear movie but I really hate movies of its kind. In many ways I am still recovering from my viewing of Alvin And The Chipmunks 2, a film I can only describe as the cinematic equivalent of being beaten with a club made from stale frosting.
“Hey,” I said, “instead of the movies why don’t we go out for ice cream? Heck we can even bring the dogs along for fun and give them some French fries.”
My daughter loved the idea for its fun and spontaneity. My wife loved the idea for the peace and quiet.
We all piled into the car; my daughter was in the front seat, my two dogs were in the back. Yours truly was in the driver’s seat. I allowed my daughter to choose the radio station and as we headed out for the local Sonic I pondered what the sensation of feeling ‘Like a G6’ might be like.
Since I was a middle aged nerd I assumed I never would know and contented myself to know what it was like to play Dungeons & Dragons and feel ‘Like a D6’.
Before we could reach our destination flashing blue lights filled my rearview mirror. For a moment I hoped it might be a UFO filled with green skinned women looking for good breeding stock but sadly it was only a police car.
I pulled over into a nearby parking lot and waited. My daughter was full of worries and questions but I assured her everything was all right. The officer that approached my car was tall, he reminded me of a cross between country music singer Travis Tritt and futuristic killing machine The Terminator. The dogs barked and whined as he drew closer.
The conversation we had was a variation of one I had shared with police officers many times over the years.
He asked, “Do you know you have a headlight out?”
I replied, “Uhm...”
He nodded, “And your registration expired four months ago.”
“Uh... whoops?” Despite the cool December weather I suddenly began to feel very warm.
My daughter must have realized I was floundering so she chimed in, “It’s not my Daddy’s fault. He’s bi-polar!”
Ah, the insanity defense. A clever move but it was a little too early in the game for that. The police officer asked me for my drivers license and I gave it to him. He paused for a moment to make sure that the chunky ragged looking man before him matched the chunky ragged looking man in the picture. Then he went back to his car.
We waited for what seemed like a very long time. My daughter and I talked about what was happening and why there was nothing to be scared about.
Then the police officer asked me to step out of the vehicle so we could talk privately. I wondered if he might be one of my 100+ blog subscribers, if he was I promised myself I would graciously give him the requested autographs.
He looked me in the eye and said, “Mr. Bruno you have an outstanding arrest warrant.”
“Outstanding?” I croaked. An arrest warrant didn’t sound very outstanding at all; in fact it sounded pretty Goddamn upsetting. I couldn’t think of a single solitary thing I had done to earn an arrest warrant. I wondered if he had me confused with another Al Bruno. A Google search of my name finds a mobster, a porn star and my Dad. Suspicious characters one and all.
“I don’t have the complete information yet but it has to do with a worthless check you wrote,” he explained, “apparently the debt was never addressed and the matter was brought to the magistrate.”
I looked back to my car, to my daughter and my dogs, none of them were going to take this very well. “So what happens now?”
“Before I arrest you is there anyone that can pick up your child and pets?”
“Sure, my wife.”
“You can call her if you like.”
“I don’t have a cell phone,” I blushed at the admission. As our finances had gone into the toilet the cell phones had been the first thing to go.
The officer called my wife for me and my missus and her best friend got there shortly. My daughter began to freak out as she realized her father was about to be taken away in the back of a police car. The dogs started to freak out as they realized they weren’t going to be getting any fries.
I told my missus to stay calm and take care of our little one. I promised to call her as soon as this was over.
The police officer waited until my wife and daughter were gone before he put the handcuffs on me, something I will always be grateful to him for. He also carefully frisked me, something I will always have mixed feelings about.
Then it was into the back of the car and off to the county courthouse/ police station.
It all became very real at that point, a kind of cold feeling settled into my stomach. Much like getting one of my novels published, this arrest was not something I had ever anticipated happening in my lifetime.
Once we got to the courthouse slash police station I was placed in a holding cell roughly the size of the cubicle I occupied at work. A desperate wondering of what in the Hell had gone wrong with my life filled my mind. Oddly enough this was also what went through my mind when I was in my cubicle at work.
After a short time my arresting officer came to retrieve me. “Wow, those things really do smell like pee,” I joked.
The look I got told me that this was a joke that should never be made in situations like this but there has always been a part of my mind that makes me say just the wrong thing.
Mug shots followed, then after that it was explained to me that this was all over a hundred dollar check that had been written a little over a year ago. To a veterinarian of all things. Apparently my warrantt had fallen through the cracks when the county had gone from paper records to computerized records.
Lucky me.
Once the paperwork was done it was off to the magistrate where I enjoyed more waiting and paperwork. Then I was free to go.
It was roughly 1 AM when I called home.
Well actually I tried to call home but all there was for me to use was pay phones and I had no change and no way to get change.
I was all alone, in front of the county courthouse/ police station, it was a cold December night and I was nine miles from home. I started walking.
I really didn’t plan to walk all the way home but I couldn’t find a pay phone or sympathetic late night business to help me out. So I kept on walking. I thought about my court date for the check and then my next court date for the expired registration. It looked like I wouldn’t be buying much Doctor Who merchandise this January either.
About two-thirds of the way home my wife found me, rather than wait for my call she had headed out for the courthouse as soon as she had gotten her best friend to watch my daughter.
Then she had gotten lost and I was gone by the time she had found the place.
I climbed in her car and we started heading home. When I explained to my missus about the check in question she started crying a little. She remembered the check in question even though I didn’t, and she blamed herself because she had asked me to write it.
My missus was really worried that this was going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, that I was going to leave her.
I laughed reassuringly, “Honey. I was only imprisoned for twenty minutes, after eighteen years of marriage to you that’s nothing.”
Then she really started crying. See what I mean about always saying the wrong thing?
I will leave the rest of the story to your imagination; the tearful reunion with my very worried daughter, the angry glares from my French fry denied pets and the futon I ended up sleeping on thanks to my smart mouth.
It is just a few days before the end of the year now and I am worried there is one more disaster waiting for me in the wings. I am worried 2011 will be even crueler than the year before. The one thing I am not worried about is the supposed Mayan Apocalypse coming in 2012.
At this point I say bring it on.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Christmas Stories Of Al Bruno III
"Howdy"
"Salutations."
"Sorry I'm late."
"It wasn't unexpected. Shall we initiate our offensive? The malefactors have already appeared on the scene."
"What?"
"Our targets are in the shopping enclosure."
"Again, what?"
"The shopping enclosure."
"The mall?"
"Yes."
"Ok. USA. Mall. Teamed up with a stiff board to kill crazy bastards. Got it."
"Marvelous. Now, can we begin?"
"Sure. Just one thing."
"What?"
"What was your name again?"...
The cry still rung in his ears.
Alone in the half light, he stared down at the tiny form between his boots. Its mouth was frozen in mid hiss, its almond shaped eyes were cold and accusing. Raindrops matted its sleek, black fur; its front paws were stretched out, the muscles locked in mid rake. Somewhere, a few blocks away, a band began to play the pounding of drums and blare of trumpets counter-pointing the incessant rhythm of the rainstorm.
He thought again of the sound that had brought him here – so terrified, so human.
Flicking wet hair from his face, he knelt. Bad enough the poor thing had to die here among garbage; he would make certain that it was not disposed of as garbage. He tried to take the tiny corpse in his hands but the kitten crumbled into nothing at a touch...
Merry Christmas To All And To All A Good Fight
Some superheroes patrolled the River city by leaping from rooftop to snowy rooftop, others flew and some just sat by a police scanner and waited; Captain Hero kept River City safe from behind the wheel of his specially modified taxicab. The red and white taxi made its way through the snowy streets, its headlights glinting off the Christmas decorations that marked every lamppost and window front...
Apologies to readers of IN THE SHADOW OF HIS NEMESIS...
Holiday chaos and setbacks have me running behind schedule on this project, this weeks chapter should be ready soon.
Sorry.
Friday, December 17, 2010
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty Two
Rescuing the starlet was just like Amazing Ed imagined, except that instead of “My hero!” She cried “Ew! This nerd is touching me!”
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty One
After losing his treasure in the Valley of the Wolf Men Abner Deggent was barking mad.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirty
Bob started carrying a change of underwear in his valise, upgrading it to a brief case.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Nine
Just because her store sold used shrimp he didn't think of it as a some kind of a Prawn Shop.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Eight
Now everyone knew who was naughty or nice. Santa shook his mittened fist in the air, “Damn you Wikileaks! DAMN YOUUUU!”
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Seven
When her vampire lover watched her sleep she found it romantic. When he spied on her using the toilet? Not so much.
(Recommended Reads) "Musketeers" by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith
Jonno’s leaving do was declared a resounding success. Lots of tequila, a £50 fruit machine win which bought more tequila, a minor scuffle with some townies, and even a slap from a stripper – administered to Jonno himself no less, which was the icing on the cake. The rest of the lads piled into taxis and Jonno, Richard and I set off for my flat. I had some cans of beer stashed away there which would help take us down gently from the tequila buzz. After all, Jonno had to be at his folks’ in a couple of hours for his farewell breakfast, so we had to sober him up a bit...
(Recommended Reads) "The Two Worlds of Franky BenÃtez" by Julio Ricardo Varela
Imagine Franky BenÃtez hiding on a subway platform in Boston and humming the song his father improvised twenty years ago outside a cinema in Santurce.
We love you, Franky.
Oh yes we do.
We love you, Franky.
We love you true.
When you’re not with me,
We’re blue.
Oh, Franky, we love you.
And as he hums, Franky BenÃtez enters a green trolley that cradles him back to his days of final comfort: August, 1976, the rear of a station wagon, sucking on a bottle of chocolate milk.
His abuelo drives. His mother smokes. A week had passed since the judge formally decreed his parents’ divorce, and now here was Franky BenÃtez, his mother and his baby sister, three passengers checking into Eastern Airlines Flight 17 nonstop to El Bronx, Nueva York...
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Six
No one suspected Namor's affair with one of the girls from the Scooby gang until their discovery of their daughter Aqua-Velma.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Five
When you worship the messiah of the blood gods it is almost inevitable that you will take your Lord's name in vein.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Four
Far worse than being captured and anal probed by aliens was being captured by aliens and forced to clean their used anal probes.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
CORPSE WARS: Attack Of The Crones episode seven
CORPSE WARS
Attack of the Crones
episode seven
by
Al Bruno III
...bullets rattled against the Hummer. Harry gunned the engine, the vehicle leapt forward. Old ladies and soldiers alike scrambled for safety. The Hummer screeched out of the motor pool, tore through the spaces between the buildings and careened around corners. They crashed through the gallows, splintering wood and sending at least three penitent workers flying over the wall. Gunfire erupted from all sides. Alec, Ken and Mark tried to duck down but Tony was curled into a ball across their laps.
Mark yelled, “Just use the rocket! Get us out of here!”
“Ah-ah-ah.” Pete shook his head and kept his head down.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m all out of hope!” Ken shouted, “One more bad dream could bring a fall!”
Harry shouted, “Firing a LAW rocket is not like playing Nintendo boy! If he misses we’ve lost our one try, and if he fires it while we’re driving it might send the shot wide or knock the back blast right into us!”
The Humvee sped around another turn; they were heading back towards the ruined gallows. Tony looked up, “We just went in a circle! Do you know what you’re doing? Was this trip really necessary?”
“Somebody shut him up.” Harry made another turn and now they were heading back towards the motor pool. The soldiers were helping Miss Blackwood and the other blue hairs back up. They had to dive for cover again but one of the crones was too slow and she bounced over the hood of the vehicle with a sickening crunch.
Mark winced. A pair of yellowed false teeth flew through the shattered passenger side window and landed on Tony. Everyone in the back of the Humvee screamed at once.
The moment they were back in the motor pool Harry hit the brakes but left the vehicle’s engine running.
Harry and Pete dove out of the Hummer and slammed the motor pool’s garage door and other entrances closed before any of their dazed pursuers could react. The two men started trying to barricade the room with anything they could find. “You guys better get out here and help!” Harry shouted.
They all scrambled out, grabbing hold of desks, cabinets and heavy machinery. Tony brought over a wooden stool and an auto parts manual. Alec gave him a glare but Tony just shrugged, “I said I have a bad back.”
“Lord love a duck.” Alec said.
Mark asked, “What about the back door?”
Pete gave him a confused glance, “Hm?”
“There is no back door.” Harry said, they could already hear, pounding, gunshots and angry voices. “Just steel and concrete.”
The garage door began to shudder with the impact of their attackers’ fists and impromptu battering rams. “What happens when they get in here?” Mark asked.
Alec shook his head, “I’d rather not think about that if it is all the same thank you very much.”
“Sheesh.” Pete said.
“Well…” Harry said, “…there is always the option of not being taken alive.”
“We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks!” Ken turned his attention back to the Humvee.
Mark shook his head with disbelief, “Are you saying we should kill ourselves?”
Harry shrugged, “It’s an option.”
“This is our escape plan?” Tony dropped the roll of paper towels he was carrying to barricade the door, “Drive around in circles and then shoot ourselves?”
“Well, that would be an escape wouldn’t it?” Alec said, “In a permanent sense of the word.”
Harry shouted, “What the Hell do you want me to say? It’s not my fault!”
“We’re doomed!” Tony was stumbling in circles like he might faint, no one made a move to catch him, “Doomed!”
There was a deafening explosion. Shards of brick and steel pelted them. Smoke filled the air. Blinking and coughing Mark looked up expecting to see his executioners standing before him, but the barricades were still holding. Groggily he turned to see Ken holding the smoldering LAW rocket and the back wall of the motor pool blasted open. Through the haze he could see the abandoned streets and zombies, some blown to pieces and others just staring emptily at them.
Pete nodded approvingly, “Ha!”
“Genius!” Harry laughed, “Pure genius.”
“Yes I am the warrior!” Ken dropped the spent LAW and pumped his fist, “Victory is mine.”
The surviving zombies were already starting to close in. “Back inside!” Alec clambered into the passenger seat, the rest crammed into the back. Harry got behind the wheel and hit the gas.
As the Humvee sped out into the night Mark glanced back at the zombies wandering in through the hole in the wall. He didn’t want to think about what would happen when Miss Blackwood’s enraged followers forced their way into the motor pool. Would they be able to contain the invasion or would they be overrun?
The thought he was abandoning his parents made him feel a little sick. Without them he wouldn’t have ever been born, he wouldn’t have clothes on his back and he would never have seen his first Star Wars movie.
They might have seen the movies, Mark thought as he hugged his duffel bag close, but they never learned from them did they?
They had never learned that fear led to anger and anger led to hate and hate led to suffering. He could only hope that what he and his friends were doing now would lead to something better, that they might make a heroic stand against a world gone mad.
Or at the very least that they might find another codpiece for his stormtrooper outfit.
The End
(Insane News) Possibly the greatest advertisement this week.
KARACHI, Pakistan, Dec. 16 (UPI) -- A Pakistani advertising campaign for the Butterfly brand of sanitary pads is drawing attention with its topical humor slogan: "WikiLeaks. Butterfly doesn't."...
The Tale Of The Hitman And The Grocery Store
Back in NY there was a hit man named Arthur that lived in an apartment above a grocery store. One time he strangled 3 mobsters he really hated for only a buck. It was such a big deal they put a sign in the grocery store window- ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR....
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Three
Lester lived in a future where organ transplants were earned via a variant of WHEEL OF FORTUNE. He said, “I'd like to buy a bowel.”
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty Two
Jan was proud to have become a policewoman but then her older sister outdid her. She cried out, “Marshall! Marshall! Marshall!”
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty One
She missed dial up modems and BBSes, she preferred getting into a pointless arguments with people from her area code.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twenty
The church team agreed to play the Gay Mens Soccer League just as long as no balls were touched.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Nineteen
She had a thing for garbage men. Maybe it was their hats, maybe it was their uniforms, or maybe it was just their flies.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eighteen
The only reason the maestro of the River City orchestra survived the Electric Assassin's attack was that he was a poor conductor.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seventeen
Amazing Ed tried to open a can of whoopass but somehow locked himself in the pantry.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Sixteen
Most evil-doers found the Electric Assassin's rates exorbitant but sometimes there was no charge.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fifteen
Lola was an exotic dancer that wore nothing but gleaming latex, so she got used to people calling in search of a paint stripper.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fourteen
Love of small birds and beer led to him being visited by the ghosts of Christmas Pabst, Christmas Pheasants and Christmas Fuchsia.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Thirteen
The intervention for his sex addiction never really got started because he wouldn't get the damn hooker off his face.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Twelve
The cultists had summoned a burning, tentacled, lamprey- mouthed space god and worst of all it had brought its home movies.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eleven
She kept trying to find a way to travel to the moon for free but there is no free launch.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Ten
“I awoke to find my apartment filled with ceramic figurines,” Jason Magwier said. “It wasn't one of my more precious moments.”
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Nine
Captain Hero took Amazing Ed aside, “Tight budget or not the pink fuzzy handcuffs in your utility belt have got to go.”
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Eight
She was a video game nymphomaniac and couldn't wait to link his Wii up with her Xbox.
5 Second Fiction One Thousand Eight Hundred And Seven
Abner Deggent wasn't the kind of man to bring a knife to a gunfight but once he had brought a chainsaw to a quilting bee.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
CORPSE WARS: Attack Of The Crones episode six
CORPSE WARS
Attack of the Crones
episode six
by
Al Bruno III
...the six men stood absolutely still, waiting and listening. Harry had his hand clamped over Tony’s mouth. If they were found out it was all over; at best they would never get another chance to escape, at worst they would end up with nooses around their necks.
After what seemed like an eternity Alec tapped Mark’s shoulder, “Better go check it out.”
“Me?” Mark shrank back.
“Yes you,” Harry said. “Go check it out and maybe I’ll let you bring along your play clothes.”
Mark blushed, “Fine.”
“Hush hush, keep it down now,” Ken warned, “voices carry.”
Pressing into the shadows Mark tip-toed out of the motor pool and peered around the corner; he willed himself to be invisible. There was another pair of soldiers standing between two buildings, they were talking lazily while smoking cigarettes.
One turned to the other and asked, “You see that gallows they’re building?”
“Yeah,” the other shook his head, “some of the other guys were telling me about it. They say it’s quite a thing to see.”
Mark shuddered again. Can’t they realize how crazy this all is? They’re committing murder just because some crazy old lady is saying so! Stephen King should totally sue her ass.
Miss Blackwood had told her captive flock the gallows were a mercy, a sign of Christ’s love. Everyone went along with it, even Mark’s parents. Miss Blackwood’s reign was barely two weeks old but there had already been four purges; anyone and anything that struck her or her fellow crones as ungodly had been consigned to the bonfires. Now however that wasn’t enough, Miss Blackwood wanted a spectacle, a lasting one.
Mark tiptoed back to the others, “Guards.” He said, “They’re gone now.”
“Right” Harry said, “Pete, get the LAW.”
Pete grabbed a stunted metal tube. Alec jumped into the back seat of the four door Hummer, “Here we go.”
Ken grabbed the 12-gauge Smith and Wesson and climbed in beside him, “Hey little sister shotgun!”
“LAW?” Tony spluttered and climbed in next, “Do you just intend to blow a hole in the wall and drive out?”
“Exactly,” Harry said.
“But the zombies will get in.” Tony said, “The people…”
Harry rounded on him, “People? They’re not people after what they did! Those girls were strippers- God’s most innocent creatures!”
Egypt, Candy and the other girls from the Silver Dollar had been burned at the stake, victims of Miss Blackwood’s ongoing righteous fury. Mark could still hear their screams echoing in his head.
“I know…” Tony started to say but then quieted. Mark climbed in the back seat beside him. It wasn’t easy getting the Humvee’s door to close but they managed it.
“Let’s get out of here,” Harry said.
“The more you live, the faster you will die,” Ken said confidently.
The Hummer’s engine roared to life as Harry tightened his hands around the steering wheel. Pete leaned out the rear passenger side window, the LAW rocket cradled against his body. There were butterflies in Mark’s stomach, he couldn’t believe this was really happening. Sometimes he couldn’t believe the last three months had happened.
The first rifle shot nearly took Pete’s head off. “Augh!” he screamed.
A second shot shattered the passenger side window.
“What’s happening?” Mark yelled.
“We’ve got company,” Alec replied.
There was a group of blank-eyed soldiers blocking their way, they had their rifles at the ready. They were led by Miss Blackwood and three of her fellow spinsters. Their ragged clothes and powder blue hair made them almost look like clones.
“Sinners!” Miss Blackwood said, “Sinners with treason and murder in their hearts!”
One of the officers ordered, “Get out of the vehicle Sergeant!”
Harry stayed where he was, gunning the engine, “As a matter of fact we were just coming to see you.”
“We were?” Tony said.
“Let me do the talking here.” Harry whispered.
The officer’s voice became a shout, “I said exit the vehicle Sergeant Shaffer!”
Harry cleared his throat before speaking again, “This is all a big misunderstanding, you see we were going to ask to go outside to look for bibles and canned food.”
“You have to admire initiative like that,” Alec added.
“No helping.”
“Your last name is Shaffer?” Tony asked.
“Don’t. Talk.” Harry whispered again.
Miss Blackwood was ranting now, “Lies. They’re all liars, fornicators, idolaters and sodomites!”
Ken shook his head, “Can you hear them? They talk about us!”
“This is your last chance Sergeant Shaffer,” the soldiers trained their weapons on the vehicle, “if you confess your sins the Lord’s love will redeem you.”
“Uh-oh.” Pete said.
“Now just a minute…” Tony looked around inside of the crowded Humvee, “Which of us does she think is a sodomite?”
Harry turned around in his seat, “Will you be quiet?”
The soldiers opened fire...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)