Tuesday, June 21, 2011

GEEKS OF DOOM reveals the Green Lantern film that almost was. The horror... the horror!

GEEKS OF DOOM goes over the details of the planned Green Lantern comedy starring Jack Black.

...mortally wounded Abin Sur crash lands on Earth and his ring must now choose a successor. After browsing through a selection of worthy candidates that include an American soldier and a heroic missionary woman, the ring chooses Jud Plato, an average schmuck who works in a furniture store by day and by night appears on a television program modeled on Fear Factor called “The Dare Diner” where he performs a number of crazy and repulsive stunts. On the night the ring chooses him, Jud is on the show enjoying himself with a rather unsavory meal to the amazement of his audience: the head of an expired coyote, right down to its dead eyeballs. Doing the show is just about the only worthwhile thing Jud has going in his life, but having the courage to devour the uncooked flesh of a dead animal is good enough for him to be inducted into the Green Lantern Corps....

...The ring takes Jud for a wild and comical ride in his car before the dying Abin Sur gives him the news that he’s been chosen. Apparently people like Jud know all about the Green Lantern Corps in this version of the story, although he initially confuses them with the Green Hornet (not an uncommon mistake in 2011) and then describes them as “like the eighth most famous superhero.” From there the script devolves into a series of pointless shenanigans that would be better off in something like Puma Man or Mystery Men with Jud coming to terms with his new powers with his annoying sycophant of a sidekick Seth by his side. During his early attempts at being a superhero Jud traps a gang of looters by using his ring to form a giant green condom that wraps around them. At one point he even creates a green Superman to please a crowd of confused onlookers. He uses the ring to turn bullets into popcorn kernels and tries to nail the hot lady Corinne that he works with at the furniture store. This is all before he even gets to visit Oa for the first time. There he conjures up the original Beatles just so he can take over for John Lennon. The Guardians have to use singing Muppet-like characters to keep Jud from nodding off as they explain the origins of the Corps. Later in the story, Jud and Kilowog take a break from training to visit Earth so that they can… dine at Olive Garden...

Holy crap!

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