RPG.NET rant #7 Kobayashi Maru With Random Violence and Supermodels

 

RPG.NET rant #7

Kobayashi Maru With Random Violence and Supermodels

originally posted to RPG.net on 09-26-2002 10:15 PM:

WARNING THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY OFFEND STAR TREK FANS, SUPERMODELS AND ANYONE THAT BELIEVES LORENZO LAMAS IS THE EPITOME OF COOLNESS

Ab3's log: Supplemental
It had been a bad month for gaming.

Biff Bam had been missing since we tried to run through the Tomb of Horrors. It all started when his Barbarian fighter blundered through a portal. The portal was cursed and his character came out the other end of the portal nude and of the opposite gender. No one expected Biff Bam to burst into tears and flee El Disgusto's basement. Everyone had assumed that I would be the one to end up doing that someday.

After that I had tried to run BEYOND THE SUPERNATURAL but I dropped the campaign when I realized that El Disgusto had used the skill sets from NINJAS AND SUPERSPIES first edition to make his character. I signed on to run a horror game not to watch a character described as 'Lorenzo Lamas but cooler' kick werewolves through buses.

Well, that's kind of a horror game I suppose.

Now we were playing Star Trek, the FASA rpg. Psycho-Dave was running, his stint in the mental ward had inspired him.

That's how El Disgusto, Weasly Crusher, Ol' Yellowbelly and I found in Psycho Dave's room, playing the bridge crew of the USS Indestructible II...


Psycho Dave: "You have an incoming transmission. Ab3 you're playing the communications officer, make a Dexterity roll to make sure your character doesn't slip and smack his face into the control panel while answering it."

(roll)

Me: "I made it."

El Disgusto: "Nice going 'Uhura'."

Me: "Keep it up with the Urhura jokes and I'll slap you until you think Trek V was a masterpiece."

Weasly Crusher: "It wasn't?"

Psycho Dave: "It's a distress call, coming from a Starbase near the border with Klingon Space. They are under attack and you are the only ship close enough to get there in time."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Oh my GOD! It's the Kobiashi Maru! We're screwed! We're screwed! Can't we call the Enterprise for backup?"

Psycho Dave: "No."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Can't we fly sideways around the sun and travel back in time to before the attack happened and warn the Enterprise?"

Psycho Dave: "No."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Do we have to go?"

Psycho Dave: "Yes."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "But- but-"

Psycho Dave: "Do you want me to play Leonard Nimoy's version of PROUD MARY for you again?"

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Get me to that Starbase! Maximum warp!"


I never really understood why Ol' Yellowbelly got into role-playing at all because he hated conflicts and confrontations. His characters had fled the field of battle in just about every gaming genre I could think of. Even playing RISK and MONOPOLY he brought an aspect of groveling to the table. The only way he would be a good role-player was if White Wolf came out with CROCHET: THE KNITTING.
So naturally Psycho Dave decided to make him Captain.


Psycho Dave: "At this speed your ship will be at the Starbase in twenty minutes."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "I go to my ready room and start making plans."

Psycho Dave: "Roll to see if you trip on the step and knock yourself unconscious."

Weasly Crusher: "Can I help."

Me: "You're the helmsman you have to steer the ship."

Weasly Crusher: "I thought I was the weapons guy."

Psycho Dave: "You have both jobs."

El Disgusto: "Which sucks. I was the weapons guy last ship."

Me: "You being the weapons guy is what cost us the Indestructible One."

El Disgusto: "Those fricken' Gorns had it coming."

Weasly Crusher: "The didn't do anything."

El Disgusto: "They were hailing us. I had to show them who was boss before Captain Twitchy started talking and made us look like Picard like wussies."

Weasly Crusher: "You fired unprovoked at a dreadnought."

Me: "And then they fired back. Boy did they fire back."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "I didn't think the Ardiun Grimmores had tables for explosive decompression."

Psycho Dave: "Arduin has something about everything. It's like Dianetics for men. Now did you fail your Dex roll or not?"

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Yes."

Psycho Dave: "All right then let's get out those damage tables."

Me: "You know this whole 'roll to see if you trip and fall down' thing is kinda mean-spirited."

Psycho Dave: "Gaming is a simulation of life. Are you saying people don't trip and fall down in real life?"

Me: "No but-"

El Disgusto: "You know if you don't like it you can just go play in that Lords of Creation Game I hear Deviant Boy and his girlfriend are setting up."

Weasly Crusher: "I didn't know that he had a copy of the rules."

El Disgusto: "I traded him the rulebooks Ab3 left here for a Whopper."

Me: "Those- You- Look can we just get back to this tripping and falling down discussion?"

Psycho Dave: "No. Realism is what I am aiming for here and realism is what you are getting. OK Yellowbelly your character hits his mouth on the deck shattering his wisdom tooth to the gumline."

Weasly Crusher: "Ow!"

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Now I see why Bones was always on the bridge."

Psycho Dave: "You're knocked unconscious by the pain."

Me: "I call the ship's Doctor and-"

El Disgusto: "Belay that order! As First Officer I am now in charge! I order engineering to increase speed."

Weasly Crusher: "We are already moving at maximum warp."

El Disgusto: "Bullcrap! Too much energy is being wasted. I order life support cut by fifty percent. I also have a pair of security guards fire their phasers into the dylithium containment chamber to 'hyperhcarge' the crystals."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Will that work?"

Me: "I beg the captain to wake up."

El Disgusto: "I call security to the bridge to arrest the Communications Officer for insubordination!"

Me: "Woah wait. Hold on a minute here. What the hell is that sticking out of your notebook?"

Psycho Dave: "A sai."

Me: "No! The other thing."

Psycho Dave: "Oh you mean this?"


There are moments in everyone's life when their preconceived notions of reality are shaken to their very foundations. This was one of them for me. I had known my gaming friends were insane but what happened next would show me the depths of their madness. The magazine that Psycho Dave dropped on the table before me was thick, glossy and reeked of mingled perfumes.


Me: "Why... why are you reading Cosmo?"

Psycho Dave: "It's all part of my master plan."

Me: "Master plan to what?"

Psycho Dave: "I long ago decided that only a supermodel was worthy to carry my noble bloodline."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Is this some kind of sicko kidnapping thing you're planning because that breaks me out in hives..."

El Disgusto: "No this plan is better. It's sheer genius. If my heart wasn't already spoken for I'd be trying it too."

Weasly Crusher: "Since when do you have a girlfriend?"

El Disgusto: "Gentlemen don't brag but I've been seeing a girl pretty regularly for some time now."

Weasly Crusher: "Who is she?"

El Disgusto: "Her name is Anne McKenzie and you wouldn't know her, she lives in Canada."

Me: "You're not going to try and use the 'I'm dating a girl in Canada' line are you?"

El Disgusto: "She's real which is more than I can say for your hairline combover boy."

Me: "Look can we get back to this whole Cosmopolitan Magazine-supermodel-masterplan-thing? I'm morbidly curious."

Psycho Dave: "The idea came to me a few weeks ago. I couldn't sleep so I decided to try and roll up characters in the Marvel Super Heroes RPG Ultimate Powers Book until I got two that were exactly the same."

Weasly Crusher: "I thought I was the only one that did that."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "What does that have to do with supermodels?"

Psycho Dave: "Well I realized that all life is based on percentages... just like a role-playing game. You walk to work there's a good chance that you'll get there, a small chance that a rabid squirrel will bite you on the testicle."

Weasly Crusher: "I wish you'd all stop bringing that up."

Psycho Dave: "The more you try to do something the greater your chance of actually succeeding, once again percentages."

Me: "Once again how do anorexic women carrying your filthy seed factor into this conversation?"

Psycho Dave: "Then I realized that I could make these percentages work for me. You see if I write one letter to one supermodel asking her to marry me the chances of my getting a yes are a million to one right?"

Me: "Conservatively."

Psycho Dave: "Therefore if I write thousands of letters to hundreds of different models my percentages increase. The more letters I write the better my chances."

El Disgusto: "The man's a genius."

Me: "The man's got more stamps than sanity."

Psycho Dave: "You won't be mocking me when Kathy Ireland is at my side massaging my dicebag. All I have to do is play the percentages."


The whole thing left me more disturbed than any Kirk and Spock in love ever could have. Somehow Captain Yellowbelly woke up before El Disgusto could do any serious damage to the ship and the USS Indestructible II approached the starbase.


Psycho Dave: "The starbase is a smoldering ruin of melted metal."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Shields."

Weasly Crusher: "I raise the shields."

Me: "I try to contact the base."

El Disgusto: "I scan the wreckage."

Psycho Dave: "Oh it's wreckage all right."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "I get out of my chair and edge my way to the door to the turbolift."

El Disgusto: "I get ready to hurl myself at the captain's chair."

Psycho Dave: "A Klingon vessel decloaks directly in front of you. The Klingon captain hails your vessel. "

(roll dice)

Ol' Yellowbelly: "I get into the turbolift and get to the escape pods!"

(roll dice)

El Disgusto: "I fling myself into the captain's chair!

Weasly Crusher: "Do starships have escape pods?"

Me: "I put the Klingon Captain onscreen."

Psycho Dave: "He introduces himself as Klingon Captain Shickelgruber."

Weasly Crusher: "Why is that name so familiar?"

El Disgusto: "I tell him that I am Captain Jared Synn of the USS Indestructible II and that he had damn well better surrender to us lickety split!"

Me: "You want to say 'likety-split' to a Klingon?"

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Am I at the escape pods yet?"

Psycho Dave: "Captain Shickelgruber laughs at you. His whole bridge crew laughs at you."

El Disgusto: "THAT DOES IT! Time to show these guys I mean business. I whip out my phaser and kill the Helmsman."

(roll dice, drop jaws)

Me: "You what?"

El Disgusto: "My character says 'If I'm crazy enough to kill my own crew think of what I might do to you!'"

Weasly Crusher: "But I'm the Helmsman..."

Psycho Dave: "Actually you're smoldering atoms right now."

Ol' Yellowbelly: "Look can I just put on a space suit and take my chances outside?"

Weasly Crusher: "Didn't I even get a dodge?"

El Disgusto: "Where is your sense of realism? You don't get a dodge when you get shot in the back."

Psycho Dave: "The Klingons are laughing even harder now. They dare you to kill more of your crew."

El Disgusto: "Fire phasers! And Photon torpedoes!"

Psycho Dave: "Nothing happens."

El Disgusto: "Why the hell not?"

Me: "Because you just shot the Helmsman."

Weasly Crusher: "But I didn't even get to dodge..."

El Disgusto: "Oh I see how it is. I move to the fire the weapons myself."

Psycho Dave: "Too late the Klingons fire all their weapons at you destroying your ship in a ball of science fictional type hellfire."

El Disgusto: "This is all your fault Ab3!"

A moment later Weasly ran from the room sobbing. Then Psycho Dave, frustrated at having two Star Trek campaigns destroyed by the same man grabbed the sai from his notebook and attacked El Disgusto. Ol' Yellowbelly crawled under Psycho Dave's bed and then began shrieking at what he found there. Sighing to myself I grabbed the copy of Cosmo and flipped to the article about how to get thinner thighs in 30 days.
At this point some of you might wonder why I kept gaming with these guys when every game was a nightmare. Well, I figured every game couldn't be a disaster so I just kept playing the percentages.

(Recommended Reads) "The Zombie Next Door" by Laurita Miller

My neighbour is a zombie. I don't know why I didn't notice it before. I guess you just don't expect to see this kind of thing in the white-walled safety of suburbia...

click here to read the rest

RPG.NET rant #6 Monty Python Mishaps In The Deepest Pit Of Homebrew Hell

 

RPG.NET rant #6

Monty Python Mishaps In The Deepest Pit Of Homebrew Hell

originally posted to RPG.net on 09-18-2002 02:06 AM:

PEOPLE THAT LIKE WILLIAM SHATNER, BEDWETTERS, MENTAL HEALTH WORKERS, PEOPLE THAT CREATE HOMEBREWED RPGS AND ANYONE THAT THINKS THESE THINGS AREN'T FUNNY AND I'M JUST BEATING A DEAD HORSE WITH THE STICK OF PAIN MAY NOT WANT TO READ ANY FURTHER.

The state mental health facility realized Psycho Dave partly because he had agreed to stay at least 500 yards away from William Shatner and partly because they realized that he had somehow organized all the patients in the facility into some weird kind of STAR TREK LARP. We celebrated his return to the outside world by gathering at El Disgusto's basement for a game.


Psycho Dave: "It was the most intense gaming of my life. I almost wish I'd done something worse so we could have continued the game."

Weasly Crusher: "I wish I could have been there."

El Disgusto: "Yeah well I'm glad your back so we can get some normal gaming done again."

Me: "The basement looks great. Did your parents remodel?"

El Disgusto: "Kinda, they found this toxic mold growing all over the walls and ceiling."

Me: "What? I thought they just repainted."

El Disgusto: "Nahhh these are the original colors. The mold just kind of covered everything.

Me: "My God... we're been playing here for over a year..."

El Disgusto: "Yeah, I guess they couldn't believe how much of it there was. They sent over some scientists from the university to look at it."

Weasly Crusher: "Wow."

El Disgusto: "Then I had to administer a Stick of Pain beatdown to one of them when I caught one of them eyeing my ELEMENTALS SEX SPECIAL."

Psycho Dave: "That's justifiable."

El Disgusto: "It gets better once I hit this old fart he goes falling back into my table of just painted minis. I was ready to kill- if my Mom hadn't-"

Me: "Old fart? You hit an old man?"

El Disgusto: "He had a fair chance to defend himself, he had a cane!"

Weasly Crusher: "Could we have gotten high from eating the toxic mold?"



The basement door creaked open and Cheating Bastard came in carrying three milk crates stuffed with ring binders. Since we all had bad feelings regarding D&D, Lords of Creation and Call of Cthulhu Cheating Bastard had volunteered to run us through the homebew rpg system and world he had been working on since the Early Eighties. I might have been a little worried if I hadn't noticed that Biff Bam was helping him carry milk crates five through eight.



Me: "What the Hell is he doing here?"

Psycho Dave: "I invited him."

Me: "Why?"

Psycho Dave: "We're old friends. We got thrown out of basic training together."

Weasly Crusher: "He's the one that kept wrestling us to the ground!"

Me: "He brutalized us!"

Psycho Dave: "Calm down. He'll behave. He probably did realize what a bunch of sissies you guys can be."

Weasly Crusher: "He threw me to the ground so hard that it made it hurt when I pee."

El Disgusto: "What are you guys talking about? I was there and none of this happen."

Me: "What are we talking about? You were right there. He made us strip to the waist! He pinned you to the floor!"

El Disgusto: "Never happened."

Me: "Boy I wish I could edit my life for content."

Cheating Bastard: "OK I hope you guys are ready for an awesome gaming experience!"

Me: "It looks impressive."

Cheating Bastard: "Yeah I haven't run this game since Lance Stargrove's gaming group left town."

Weasly Crusher: "Wasn't that the gaming group that went crazy all of a sudden, set fire to their gaming supplies and joined some weird space cult?"

Cheating Bastard: "I think they're called Heaven's Gate or something."

Psycho Dave: "That was a great movie. Highly underrated."

Biff Bam: "Ok I'll be helping with character crEEPation, did you all bring an algebraHAic calculators?"


And so it began, our decent into a nightmare of randomly generated attributes and higher maths began. First you rolled for your date of birth and your land of birth, then you rolled for your race. The book of races was over 200 pages and ranged from 'Dwarf Gnome' to 'Minor Robotic Godling (Insane)'. These three rolls were then factored in to compute a number that was added to the roll you made to determine your family background. Each of these societal, familial and locational factors were then averaged out and computed into a set of modifiers that you used when you rolled up your character's statistics and personal appearance factors. Psycho Dave ended up creating a Berserker Space Elf, Weasly Crusher was a Mountain Ogre Cleric, Biff Bam was a Human Paladin, I ended up with a telekinetic farmer with exhibitionist tendencies and El Disgusto rolled up... a Ninja.
I found that profoundly disturbing.
Then we began equipping our characters and I then realized the depth of Cheating Bastard's madness. He had an entire binder full of different sorts of equipment and then another binder full of randomly generated backgrounds for the equipment you bought. That way you knew if your sword was actually an heirloom from an empire long dead, if the food you bought was about to go bad and if your pack mule had anger management issues. It was around this point that I began to feel faint.


Cheating Bastard: "See now you've got characters you know from top to bottom."

Me: "How long have we been doing this? Who's president now?"

Weasly Crusher: "So my Ogre used to be a solider but after he was visited by his God on a battlefield on an alien planet he become a cleric?"

Cheating Bastard: "Don't forget that you were on that alien battlefield searching for your long lost brother. That gave you an Emotional Wisdom modifier of +x(3/Y)."

Weasly Crusher: "Oh yeah."

El Disgusto: "What's the velocity modifier on a 70 year old katana that's been well taken care of?"

Biff Bam: "You take the standard weapon statistic and factor it with the age, metal pERity and pommel modifiers."

El Disgusto: "I think I need another pencil."

Me: "This system of yours... its interesting."

Cheating Bastard: "It's Rolemaster without if Rolemaster hadn't been dumbed down for the masses."

Biff Bam: "It's manly role-playing."

Weasly Crusher: "So why did you guys get thrown out of basic training?"

Psycho Dave: "The usual, insubordination, setting fires and bedwetting. I thought that kind of thing would get me on the fast track to Special Forces."

Biff Bam "Let's just say that I was a little too manly for the Army. They were intimidDIMated by me."

Psycho Dave: "I thought it was your weight."

Biff Bam: "No! You see that's a common mistake. I'm not fat this is just untoned muscle. I'm actually as PSYCHICally strong as your average Olympic Weightlifter... I'm just not as toned."

Cheating Bastard: "To Hell with them anyway, we're forming our own militia."

Biff Bam: "I'm desginIMINing the logo for our berets."

Me: "It has been five hours can we please start the game soon?"

El Disgusto: "Wuss."

Me: "So help me I'm going to beat your skull until candy comes out."

El Disgusto: "Try it and I'll saw you in half and count your rings."

Me: "Uhhhhh...."


Finally the game began, Cheating Bastard had promised a game that was new and different. A game world that encompassed everything from science fantasy to high fantasy. But somehow we ended up at a tavern at the edge of a swamp waiting for a mysterious stranger to ask us to do something. We spent a little time role playing and negotiating with the mysterious stranger about our quest. Apparently he had stolen some mystical do-dad from the Spider Elves and he wanted us to bring it to a certain place by a certain time.
However in a surprising turn of events a squad of Spider Elves stormed the tavern looking for the mysterious stranger and combat broke out. Combat the likes of which no man was ever meant to endure. Miniatures slide rules and compasses were used to generate the necessary to hit algorithms. Two hours later the first round of combat was over and I was beginning to suspect that Jack Chick may have had a point after all.


Cheating Bastard: "Too bad. You might have hit if not for the inverse drag coefficient of the blood coating your blade."

El Disgusto: "Damnit!"

Biff Bam: "I hate it when that happens."

Me: "Is that the sun coming up?"

Psycho Dave: "So everyone got away except the Ninja."

Weasly Crusher: "Shouldn't we go back and rescue him?"

Me: "What would take longer? More combat or rolling up another PC?"

(Lots of dice roll)

Cheating Bastard: "The surviving Spider Elves knock the blade from your hands. They hold you by gabbing on to each of your arms and stretching you out."

El Disgusto: "I try to break free Ninja style."

Cheating Bastard: "That would be a back flip and a double mule kick. Biff get me the third volume of the combat maneuvers book."

(A d20, d30 and d4 roll later)

El Disgusto: "Shit!"

Cheating Bastard: "As they hold you there a dark figure in a golden codpiece approaches. The other Spider Elves defer to him and call him 'Most Holy'. "

El Disgusto: "I call him Most Assholy!"

Cheating Bastard: "The Most Holy of the Spider Elves smiles thinly and approaches and says that you will not be harmed and he has his men release you."

El Disgusto: "I attack him!"

(More dice are rolled in combination with non-Euclidean maths)

Cheating Bastard: "Ok the Spider Elves grab you by the arms again, but this time they're holding you up."

El Disgusto: "I try to escape Ninja-Style."

Cheating Bastard: "Ok but don't forget to factor in wounds and exhaustion."

(More math and dice)

El Disgusto: "DAMN IT!"

Cheating Bastard: "The Most Holy of the Spider Elves says he just needs to speak to you and then you can go free he tells you-"

El Disgusto: "I curse him and challenge him to a duel!"

Cheating Bastard: "He explains that he doesn't want to fight you, he just needs to speak to you because he needs-"

El Disgusto: "I kick him! I try to bite him if he gets too close!"

Me: "Maybe you should just have your character listen to what this guy has to say."

El Disgusto: "Maybe you should just put on a dress and pick daisies!"

Cheating Bastard: "Most Holy draws the weapon from the scabbard at his side. You see it is a stellar blade, a sword that can tear through solid steel."

El Disgusto: "I tell him that he can eat it! Eat it raw!"

Cheating Bastard: "He tells his minions to hold you tightly, drawing your arms out taut from you body. He tells you that if you don't shut up and listen he will cut off your arm."

El Disgusto: "I spit a ninja loogie into his face."

(Lots of dice are rolled)

Cheating Bastard: "He swings the blade down and severs your arm."

El Disgusto! "Perfect! Since I'm free on one side I use the momentum to swing and head butt Mister Most Holy!"

Cheating Bastard: "No you don't! You're in agony!"

El Disgusto: "A ninja does not feel pain! I attack!"

(A few heated words and harsh calculations later)

Cheating Bastard: "Ok now your character has lost both his arms."

El Disgusto: "I attack again."

Biff Bam: "My God we're in a MONTHly Python skit."

Cheating Bastard: "How? How are you going to attack?"

Me: "You know he has a point... your ninja has been totally disarmed."


Our laughter only made Cheating Bastard and El Disgusto more angry. Another hour passed an in that hour El Disgusto's Ninja lost both his legs. The remainder of the party was killed when Weasly's Mountain Ogre fumbled using his racial ability and summoned an entire mountain on top of the swamp. Apparently mountains fall from the sky pretty regularly on this world.

By then of course I had left. I had to be to work that morning.

RPG.NET rant #5 Achy Breaky Mythos

 

RPG.NET rant #5

Achy Breaky Mythos

(click hear to listen to the audio version by Role Playing Public Radio)

originally posted to PRG.net on 09-07-2002 03:36 AM:

WARNING THE FOLLOWING POST MAY OFFEND PEOPLE WITH BIRTH DEFECTS, MOLES AND AND FANS OF HP LOVECRAFT, WRESTLING AND COUNTRY MUSIC

The poster of Billy Ray Cyrus on his wall should have been a warning sign to all of us.

But we were desperate for a game of CALL OF CTHULHU that didn't have Dimensional Shamblers driving ice cream trucks. This new game master was Biff Bam, an old friend of Cheating Bastard, apparently they had met in military school together. It was a Sunday afternoon at Biff's house and we were five pasty-skinned gamers crammed into the laundry room that was furnished with a washer, dryer, cardtable, mismatched chairs and a heat blistered photo of Mr. Achy-Breaky Heart himself. From where I sat Billy Ray stared out at me in bland judgment.


El Disgusto: "Look all I'm saying is that you owe me four bucks."

Me: "I don't owe you anything, I told you not to eat that damn salad in my car."

Weasly Crusher: "I can't believe that Deviant Boy would rather be with his girlfriend than game."

Biff Bam: "Who's he with now anyway?"

Weasly Crusher: "The girl that works at the comic shop.... Asenath."

Cheating Bastard: "She seems nice..."

El Disgusto: "Whoah! Wait! Hold the phone! Asenath? The one with the deformed baby arm thing going on?"

Weasly Crusher: "That would be her."

El Disgusto: "That's the ultimate lover he was bragging about?"

Me: "Well I for one am glad that he found someone to bond with."

El Disgusto: "She has a baby arm! How can he stand to even be near her? She's deformed! What can they possibly be doing together?"

Weasly Crusher: "He says it's like getting a handjob from a Pterodactyl."

Me: "Oh sweet Jesus you did not have to go there..."

Biff Bam: "Asenath? Is that name a Greek name? It sounds like something out of Vampire the MasqueradEIE."


That last bit was not a typo, that was how Biff pronounced 'Masquerade'. Biff had this habit of randomly mispronouncing things in ways that made little or no sense at all. To show this I will caps lock the creative pronunciations so we can all enjoy them.


Biff Bam: "I looked over your character sheets and everything is OK except for one thing. I asked everyone to make acaMAdemians and one of you made a nIMja."

El Disgusto: "He is a professor of ninja studies."

Me: "Did they have ninja studies in the 1930s?"

El Disgusto: "You better watch yourself, you're already on thin ice with me."

Me: "Ooooo I'm scared."

El Disgusto: "Better be. I will drop you like a wet taco."

Cheating Bastard: "What?"

Biff Bam: "Keep it down guys. My Mom is trying to watch Madam's Place."

Weasly Crusher: "Sorry."

Biff Bam: "Well let's just say you are a professor of occidental mytholoGINITY who studies kung-fu and stuff."

El Disgusto: "Whatever."


As he was talking he closed the laundry room door, sealing us off from the outside world. The fluorescent light made my gaming companions look like cadavers-not like the healthy wholesome kind of cadavers you find under the earth, more like the kind you would find washed up off the shores of New Jersey. Biff set the stage for us with very broad strokes, we were all respected professors of mythology, theology and archeology.


Biff Bam: "Now all your characters know each other on a POURfesional level. For some of you there may be an academic rivalry. your character may have called another character's ideas into question."

Cheating Bastard: "With near perfect scores like mine you'd have to crazy to mess with my character."

Biff Bam: "All of your characters have a mutual friend, an adventurer named Dick Marvil."

El Disgusto: "I have to be a professor and this Dick Marvil gets to be an adventurer?"

Biff Bam: "Each of you receive a telegram from Dick asking you to visit him at the house he inherited in Arkham, Massachusetts ."

Me: "I pack immediately!"

Cheating Bastard: "I have my servants pack for me."

Weasly Crusher: "I take my pet komodo dragon and go."

Biff Bam: "Komodo?"

Weasly Crusher: "You agreed to it. It's on my character sheet."

Biff Bam: "Let me see. Where?"

Weasly Crusher: "On the back."

Biff Bam: "Where?"

Weasly Crusher: "Near the bottom."

Biff Bam: "This thing here? I thought it was a watermark."



It took a few moments to resolve the whole komodo situation, mostly because Biff enforced his rulings by wrestling you to the ground and pinning you until you blacked out. All the while the laundry room grew hotter and hotter. I tried to distract myself from Weasly's muffled cries by glancing up at the poster but I had to look away.
Was it my imagination or had his expression changed?


Biff Bam: "So you all reach Dick Marvil's great uncle's mAInor on the same dark and stormy night."

El Disgusto: "Not me. I keep away from everyone else. I get a motel room in town and barricade myself in."

Cheating Bastard: "Why?"

El Disgusto: "Because they're my rivals, how do I know this isn't all some setup to get rid of me?"

Me: "Our characters are academic rivals. Stress on academic."

El Disgusto: "I'm role playing! My character is a very stressed person, no one respects the field of Applied Ninja Studies."

Weasly Crusher: "Is his character losing Sanity points already?"

Me: "He's loosing them in real life."

Biff Bam: "I'll be running the whole Sanity Points thing a little dYEfferently, just so you know."

Me: "Differently how?"

Biff Bam: "Well the whole SanANity rules thing doesn't make a lot of sense to me."

Weasly Crusher: "It seems easy enough, you see something scary you roll your sanity."

Cheating Bastard: "I rarely fail my sanity rolls."

Biff Bam: "See that's the problAM, the whole Sanity thing is based on fear more than anything else and real men have no fear."

Me: "Everyone is scared of something."

Biff Bam: "That's what they tell the wussies."

El Disgusto: "He means you ya wuss."

Biff Bam: "So in my game you Sanity stat measures your manliness. The less Sanity pINts you have the more gay you are."

Me: "You're kidding right?"


There was a muffled shouting and screeching from the other room. Biff paled a bit and excused himself from the laundry room. He made sure to close the door behind him.
We stared at each other across the peeling card table and tried to make out what was being said behind the warped plywood door.


Cheating Bastard: "Wouldn't it be cool if just for once one El Disgusto's characters actually tried to join the party?"

El Disgusto: "Wouldn't it be cool if you rolled your dice where everyone could see them?"

Me: "Am I the only person uncomfortable with this guys homebrewed Sanity rules?"

El Disgusto: "Wuss!"

Me: "You know once I start slapping you I'm not going to be able to stop."

El Disgusto: "Yeah try and slap me. I'm a six-month black belt. A white ninja. I walk between the raindrops!"

Me: "And here I was just thinking you didn't shower."

Weasly Crusher: "Am I the only person uncomfortable with the fact I was just wrestled to the ground?"

Cheating Bastard: "Hey give the guy a chance here, he runs a cool game. And Dick Marvil is an awesome NPC."

Weasly Crusher: "He was strangling me."

Me: "Sorry this whole thing is a tad weird."

El Disgusto: "Like I'm sure the opinion if some failed writer matters."

Weasly Crusher: "I still can't feel my fingertips."

Me: "What? Where the Hell do you get off talking to me like that?"

El Disgusto: "You've had three novels rejected by publishers here and in England. That sounds like failure to me."

Me: "The only failure is in not trying."

El Disgusto: "Oh please. Think about this Ab3, think about the worst novel ever published. By default that novel is better than anything you ever wrote. William Shatner's writing has more meaning than yours."


When those words left his lips I could swear I heard the poster of Billy Ray Cyrus urging me to kill. Perhaps I might have. It wouldn't have been the first gaming related fatality in our town, but before I could act Biff returned and the game got back underway.
While El Disgusto's character stayed in town and sharpened his katanas we were given a tour of the house that Dick Marvil had inherited. It was very creepy and very gothic... or goTHICKE as Biff would say.


Biff Bam: "Then Dick tells you about his adventures in the Orient and how he made a fortune smuggling jadEIE."

Me: "Another fortune? How about that."

Cheating Bastard: "Yeah my character helped with that."

Biff Bam: "That was the time that Dick Marvil killed 11 men with a bent spoon."

Cheating Bastard: "Saved my character's life I remember that."

Weasly Crusher: "Who was game mastering this?"

Biff Bam: "I was."

El Disgusto: "I drag the whetstone across my katana. Scraaaape. Scraaaape. Scraaaaape."


By now the laundry room was roughly the temperature of Cthuga's blasphemous armpit. I sat there sweat pouring off me, as the Biff continued to feed us the 'Legend of Dick Marvil'.
Dick Marvil was a man among men, a millionaire playboy and inventor. His hobbies were archeology and fighting crime. He was a master of the martial arts, boxing, fencing and a crack shot with any kind of gun. He could also drive racecars, navigate ships and fly aircraft. As he led us from room to room of the strange manor he puffed away on a pipe that had been given to him by 'Sherlock HolmSES'.


Weasly Crusher: "But why are we here?"

El Disgusto: "I'm not there. Scraaaaaape. Scraaaaaaape."

Cheating Bastard: "Yes what can we do for the great man?"

Biff Bam: "He has found in the basement a strange old library full of HOccult books. Only you four-"

El Disgusto: "I'm not there! Scraaape. Scraaaaaape."

Biff Bam: "Only you characters have the skills necessary to catalogue and investigate these books."

Me: "Is he paying us?"

Biff Bam: "Sure, but it's late he escorts you to your rooms so you can rest for the night. You can all start work in the morning."

Me: "Fine. Fine I get ready for bed."

Cheating Bastard: "My character works on his latest book."

El Disgusto: "I wait until midnight. Then I go to stately Marvil manor."

Weasly Crusher: "I get ready for bed too."

Biff Bam: "Do you change into your kimono? The one you have on the back of your character sheet?"

Weasly Crusher: "No."

Biff Bam: "Because that's what it says right?"

Weasly Crusher: "Yes."

Me: "Is there a window or something you can crack open here? It's stifling."

Biff Bam: "Sorry, the only window's paiHAInted shut. If you're hot just take your shirt off."


And with that Biff took his shirt off. I must admit I had never considered what I might do if a fellow role player started stripping in front of me. I had hoped that if it did happen I would be gaming with either Phoebe Cates or Christine McGlade.
But I never have that kind of luck. Instead I found myself starting at Biff's doughy man-teats.
When I looked away I found myself staring back at Billy Ray. The haze of gamer's funk made his mullet shift disturbingly. Our characters turned in for the night.


El Disgusto: "I park my car a mile from the house. I'm all dressed in black. I walk- NO! Leap from tree to tree with just my katana and my Thompson submachine gun."

Cheating Bastard: "Why?"

El Disgusto: "Let's just say you bitches picked the wrong academic rival!"

Biff Bam: "As you draw closer to the house you see strange gargURLE like shapes moving about on the roof."

El Disgusto: "Can I see what room Ab3's character is in?"

Biff Bam: "Please make a Sanity roll."

El Disgusto: "Why? For freaking shadows? I am a shadow! I'm a Ninja Ph.D.!"

Biff Bam: "The shadows are unearTHEDly, please roll."

El Disgusto: "Screw that my character wouldn't be scared of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"


El Disgusto tried to run but Biff had the home field advantage and before anyone else could react the 'white ninja' was in a figure four leglock. Cheating Bastard seemed to be enjoying the show, but Weasly was flinching. I stared at the poster, why would anyone have a poster like that on their laundry room wall? Why?
Once Biff had reestablished himself as the alpha geek the game continued. El Disgusto was oddly subdued, even in the murky light I could see on his face the impression of the d4 he had landed on.


Biff Bam: "You guys sure you don't want to take your shirts off?"

Weasly Crusher: "I'm comfortable."

El Disgusto: "I doff my Boba Fett T-shirt for no man."

Me: "I'm enjoying the whole heatstroke thing thanks anyway."

Biff Bam: "What wrong with you? We're all guys here. Take off your shirt."

Cheating Bastard: "What?"

Biff Bam: "C.B. take off your shirt."


It was like that scene at the end of FAME but worse because instead of Irene Cara you had a man with the physique and skin tones of a naked mole rat. From my vantage point Billy Ray seemed to be sizing up Cheating Bastard for reasons I couldn't fathom. If a poster could have seethed with inhuman urges this poster did.
There was a fresh chorus of grumbles and roars. A shadow passed across Biff's features and he excused himself again.


Me: "We have got to get out of here."

Cheating Bastard: "What for? We just got here."

El Disguto: "ohshinobiohshibiohshinobi...."

Weasly Crusher: "Maybe if our characters kill themselves."

Me: "Let's just leave."

Cheating Bastard: "You do that and he might get upset."

El Disguto: "ohshinobiohshibiohshinobi...."

Weasly Crusher: "We're doomed! I can't take my shirt off I just can't! I have this whole third nipple thing..."

Cheating Bastard: "Just enjoy the game guys. He's a great GM."

Me: "News flash! On the planet I'm from role-playing is not a blood sport!"

El Disguto: "ohshinobiohshibiohshinobi...."

Me: "What the HELL are you doing?"

El Disgusto: "Trying to contact the ninja I was in a previous life. With his power and mine we beat this guy's ass."

Me: "You know every time I think I've met someone more screwed up than you- you just set the bar a little higher."


The terror and the heat made the minutes pass like hours. Could I make it past Biff to the door? The poster of Billy Ray Cyrus mocked my hopes. Was he some dark redneck god that we were all doomed to be sacrificed to?


Me: "Where did he go?"

Cheating Bastard: "His mother has some foot condition. Has to give her like foot rubs every couple of hours or so."

Weasly Crusher: "Oh my god."

El Disgusto: "I thought I smelled Ben Gay!"

Biff Bam: "Sorry to keep you waiting. Why does everyone still have their shirts on?"


I would like to be able to tell you that this was the moment I chose to make my stand against the madness going on around me but that's not exactly what happened. We role played shirtless for the next hour or so. Our characters were woken by the sound of Nightgaunts throwing a certain fully accredited ninja through the front window.
Dick Marvil disappeared and we found ourselves under siege, none of the weapons we had- ninja or otherwise were at all effective. Our characters barricaded themselves in the
library and began desperately reading spellbooks in the hopes of some way they might save themselves.


Biff Bam: "You failed your sanity roll again."

Weasly Crusher: "Oh no."

Biff Bam: "Ok now your character not only has a limp wrist which gEYEVEs him a dextEROSITY modifier but he now speaks with a lisp."

Weasly Crusher: "Ok."

Biff Bam: "You better be lisping when you talk. Got it?"

Weasly Crusher: "YeTH."

Cheating Bastard: "Do any of these booKTH help?"

Biff Bam: "Nothing has hALPed yet. Suddenly the door crashes in and there are NiCEgaunts ever streaming down the stairs."

El Disgusto: "I try to commit seppuku with a copy of the King In Yellow."

Me: "Isn't there anything we can do?"

Biff Bam: "No."

Cheating Bastard: "I keep reading the booKTH. JusTH in CaseTH."

Me: "I wait for the inevitable."

Biff Bam: "The nightGRUNTS close in... closer... closer... when suddenly-"

Weasly Crusher: "We all die... please?"

Biff Bam: "When suddenly Dick Marvil hurls himself down the stairs and wrestLEZ the closest nightgaunt to the ground."

El Disgusto: "I'm still killing myself!"

Biff Bam: "The nightgaunt's neck breaks with a sickening snap and then Dick Marvil throws himself at the next one and repEEPats the prUCEss!"

Cheating Bastard: "DoeTH he kill all of them?"

Biff Bam: "Yes. He breaks all their necks! You're saved!"

Weasly Crusher: "Hooray."

Me: "Wait a minute. Guns and katanas can't scratch these things but their necks snap like twigs?"

Biff Bam: "Not my fault none of you thought to do that."


That was it. I was on my feet.


Me: "This is a load of bullshit. You don't know the first thing about Call of Cthulhu and you sure as Hell have no idea how to run a role-playing game if you think our idea of a good time is being your pet character's FUCKING ENTOURAGE!"


Cheating Bastard gasped with horror. Weasly crawled under the desk. El Disgusto soiled himself for reasons that could only be his own. I was already running for the door to the laundry room when I felt meaty hands grabbing hold of me and dragging me down. My vision began to go black. The last thing I saw was the poster of Billy Ray Cyrus and in that last moment I realized that when it came to horror gaming I didn't know Dick.

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RPG.NET rant #4 The God Trip

 

RPG.NET rant #4

The God Trip

originally posted to RPG.net on 08-30-2002 11:08 PM:

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY OFFEND SENSITIVE READERS, PEOPLE THAT HATE SEQUELS OF SEQUELS, LOVERS OF DISNEY CARTOONS, STRIP CLUBS AND THE SHOW 'MANIMAL'

I had sworn off role-playing but found myself back at the table nonetheless. My only other group of friends only wanted to spend their nights at Strip Clubs. After a few evenings of that activity I realized that no matter which group of friends I was with I was going to go home frustrated and full of self-loathing.

At least gaming was cheaper.

We were at the apartment of a fellow by the name of Nolan Void, he was a computer programmer/performance artist. He was famous for creating brilliant RPG campaigns that were rich in detail and populated with interesting characters. Sadly most of these games lasted for 2 sessions if you were lucky. Nolan was a tad mercurial.

So there we were at Nolan Void's apartment, it was El Disgusto, Deviant Boy, Weasly Crusher and Johnny Tangent. Psycho Dave was unavailable, due in part to that whole stalking William Shatner phase he was going through. Cheating Bastard was off playing in a Warhammer tournament-not because he liked it but because he lived to make wargamers cry.


El Disgusto: "I still don't see why we had to come over here when we could have used my basement."

Me: "We will never use your basement again, at least not until a HAZMAT team gets in there."

El Disgusto: "What are you my Mom?"

Me: "Were you smothered in your sleep?"

El Disgusto: "No."

Me: "Then I'm not your Mom."

Johnny Tangent: "You know I still think they should never have canceled Manimal."

Weasly Crusher: "It was a national tragedy."

Deviant Boy: "Ursula Andress was in the pilot. What a hottie."

El Disgusto: "Manimal sucked. Just like Ab3's car."

Weasly Crusher: "Yeah that show was highly overrated."

Nolan Void: "OK now, let's everyone get ready for the game. I am sure you will find it very-"

Me: "Hold on a second here? You're dissing my car?"

El Disgusto: "Your car is a rusted hunk of crap. You got a problem with that?"

Me: "I drove you here in that car because you don't have a car."

El Disgusto: "So?"

Me: "So how can you criticize my car when you don't even have one of your own?"

El Disgusto: "Because when my Grandma does buy me a car it will be a lot better than your
piece of crap."

Johnny Tangent: "Actually if we converted Ab3's car to Car Wars stats you might find it very impressive."

Nolan Void: "OK then on to the game. You will all be playing yourselves..."

Deviant Boy: "Can you repeat that?"


My God he had guts. Not only were we playing ourselves but the system was essentially diceless. The very thought panicked some of the guys at the table but Nolan was a convincing guy. Pretty soon everyone's enthusiasm level was back up and play began...


Nolan Void: "OK then, it's just another day for you guys. What are your characters, which are you, doing?"

Me: "Uhhhh... what day is it in the game?"

Nolan Void: "A Sunday."

Me: "I guess I'm at work."

Deviant Boy: "I'm sure I'm waking up in the bed of some lovely lady."

Weasly Crusher: "I'm in church."

El Disgusto: "I'm buying comics."

Johnny Tangent: "Perhaps I'm finally learning how to play the bassoon."

Nolan Void: "OK then. Each of you at exactly the same time are approached by a dark figure in a silver trenchcoat. He addresses you by name and says that he has a message for you."

El Disgusto: "What's the message that David Bowie is having a garage sale?

Me: "I ask what the message is."

Weasly Crusher: "I yell loudly to Jesus? What's the percentage for God call in this game?"

Deviant Boy: "I get dressed quickly but make sure to let this strange visitor get a look at my huge dong so that he might know despair."

Johnny Tangent: "I look around for TARDISes."


Nolan Void then went on to tell us that this mysterious figure told each of us that we had a special destiny and that we need to be awakened. This being nearly a decade before THE MATRIX we were confused and dubious. Still though when he reached into his pocket and withdrew a strange glowing cube we all went along with it, with one exception...


El Disgusto: "I attack!"

Nolan Void: "OK then... you fail."

El Disgusto: "What? What?"

Nolan Void: "The guy is too fast for you."

El Disgusto: "No he's not!"

Me: "What's the big deal?"

El Disgusto: "6 months of Tae Kwon Do! Do you hear me? 6 months of Tae Kwon Do to make black belt! I'm a white ninja do you hear me? A LIVING WEAPON!"


Later investigations proved that this was technically true El Disgusto had been discharged from Harvey Whitstien's Martial Arts Emporium with a black belt. Of course the rest of El Disgusto's karate gi was equally black. He just let it fester in his locker between classes. Sensei Harvey discharged El Disgusto because no one could stand the stench any more. This may have solved all the Emporium's problems but this 'early graduation' had twisted El Disgusto's mind even further and now he insisted the reason he had a black belt was because he was the reincarnation of a long dead ninja named 'Shinobi'.

Still though no one, not even Nintendo's lawyers, called him on it because he would then challenge you to a fight. His fighting style was a combination of slaps and groin kicks punctuated by Bruce Lee-like yells and no one wanted any part of that.


Nolan Void: Though you battle the stranger valiantly he still manages to draw the strange cube from his jacket and he-"

El Disgusto: "I smash it! I smash it!"

Nolan Void: "Just touching it makes your mind explode at a million miles an hour."

El Disgusto: "I don't scream! Not matter how bad it is I don't scream!"

Nolan Void: "The same thing happens to all of you. The very universe seems to melt around you. Your screams are swallowed up by the roaring chaos that consumes you."

Johnny Tangent: "I curl into a ball and try to avoid being noticed by the Hounds of Tinados."

Me: "I scream."

El Disgusto: "Wussy!"

Deviant Boy: "I close my eyes and use what could be my last moments to fantasize about Christine McGlade."

Weasly Crusher: "Who?"

Deviant Boy: "Christine McGlade from You Can't Do That On Television."

Johnny Tangent: "Moose?"

Deviant Boy: "God yes."

Weasly Crusher: "That's your ultimate babe?"

Deviant Boy: "And my first sexual experience."

Me: "You can stop now."

Deviant Boy: "I was fifteen years old and in one of the episodes she was lost her clothes and had to hide her nakedness behind a cue card."

Me: "I said you can stop now."

Deviant Boy: "It was amazing, it wasn't even like you could see anything but I still had this amazing spontaneous ejaculation..."

Me: "Oh for God's sake!"


I probably wouldn't have been as upset if he hadn't had the exact same first sexual experience as I had...

Once we got past all that Nolan described the strange place our characters found ourselves in.


Nolan Void: "OK then, you each wake up to find yourselves wearing white robes and-"

Johnny Tangent: "To-ga! To-ga!"

Nolan Void: "-in the center of the room is a giant dome-"

Johnny Tangent: "Filled with colored brains! 50 Quatloos on the newcomer!"

Nolan Void: "- and you can see entire galaxies swirling with in it. The-"

Johnny Tangent: "My God's it's full of stars!"

Nolan Void: "-they look to be human and they are dressed in black and sliver. The leader, the one that approached you first steps forward to say-"

Johnny Tangent: "You will bow down before me Jor-El! You wi- IIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"


Nolan's savage attack surprised all of us, we didn't think he had it in him, but then again no Game Master likes to be heckled. When Nolan began speaking again Johnny was lolling dazed in his chair, a dice bag stuffed in his mouth.


Nolan Void: "OK then the man informs you that they are the last of the Lords of Reality and that the very universe is dying."

Me: "Intriguing."

El Disgusto: "Cut to the chase. Who do we have to whack?"

Nolan Void: "The Lord of Reality informs you that your quest is not one of destruction but of preservation. He needs you to save all of creation by finding a way restore the energy stores at its heart."

Weasly Crusher: "We have to change the batteries of the universe?"

Deviant Boy: "Why do we have to save the universe? What's in it for us?"

Johnny Tangent: "Mmmph! Mmmph!"

Me: "He has a point. I ask the Lords of Reality why they can't do this for themselves?"

Nolan Void: "They explain that if they left their posts reality would break down in a matter of minutes."

Weasly Crusher: "How are we supposed to change the batteries of the universe? We have no powers, we don't even have a spaceship."

Nolan Void: "The Lords of Reality say they will give you the power to do what needs to be done. They will make you gods."

There was an audible hush. It was one of those moments that I know well as a GM it is the moment before a game becomes really great or goes terribly wrong.


Johnny Tangent: "Mphl?"

Nolan Void: "Yes gods."

El Disgusto: "Gods gods?"

Nolan Void: "They tell you 'You will have the power to create and control matter but with that power comes a terrible responsibility.'"

Weasly Crusher: "Yeah but we'll be gods right?"

Nolan Void: "'Yes.' They say, "But the use of those godlike powers actually drains the life-force of the universe so wield it with caution."

Deviant Boy: "But we'll be gods right?"

Nolan Void:

El Disgusto: "We'll take it."


And so the Lords of Reality made us into gods using something they called 'the Apotheosis Device'. During the process our bodies were picked apart molecule by molecule and put back together again. Nolan even provided laminated illustrations of the experience and played Emerson, Lake and Palmer in the background to enhance the experience.


Nolan Void: "OK then, when you emerge from the glowing red crystal you feel enhanced. Your physical form shimmers. If you pause you can sense the passage of atoms, the secrets of the universe bubble unbidden to the surface of your mind."

Weasly Crusher: "Are we gods yet?"

Nolan Void: "Yes."

Me: "I ask the-"

Johnny Tangent: "I fly faster than the speed of light."

Weasly Crusher: "I travel to the surface of the sun and walk around!"

El Disgusto: "I teleport to Stonehenge!"

Deviant Boy: "I turn Mars into a perfect duplicate of Gor and begin enslaving supermodels."

Me: "Guys I don't think-"

Nolan Void: "This isn't-"

Deviant Boy: "I make myself into a perfect duplicate of Ron Jeremy sculpted in molten silver!"

Weasly Crusher: "Oh yeah? Well I make myself look like an angel if Axyl Rose were an angel... with purple eyes."

Johnny Tangent: "Shape of.... Donny Osmond!"

El Disgusto: "I shrink Stonehenge down and consume it. Then I find every holy place in the world and consume it."

Nolan Void: "OK then your power may-"

El Disgusto: "Then I raise Ryleh from beneath the sea and drain Cthulhu's life force."

Deviant Boy: "I bring all the Disney Cartoon hotties to life and take them one by one! All of them- Ariel, Belle, Snow White, Bambi..."

Me: "Bambi was male."

Deviant Boy: "Yeah right who is gonna name a stripper after a male deer?"

Weasly Crusher: "I bring all my D&D characters to life and take them to Denny's to apologize for the terrible rolls I make."

Johnny Tangent: "I make them put a new Manimal series on the air and have Josh Wheaton write it. I star in it."

El Disgusto: "Now I create a Stick of Pain out of Strange Matter. Then I force the elves to make me a mithral ninja suit."

Nolan Void: "There... there are no elves in this game...."

El Disgusto: "Then I create some elves and make them do what I say!"

Deviant Boy: "Now I take Christine McGlade and make her my queen! Together will rule the New Gor."

El Disgusto: "With my new and improved Stick of Pain and my mithral ninja suit I teleport back to where we started and give Ab3 a COSMIC NINJA SMACKDOWN!"

Me: "What?"

El Disgusto: "You heard me! There can be only one- BITCH! What do I roll to attack? Hey Nolan I... where did he go?"


But Nolan had locked himself in the bathroom and he refused to come out. He never ran a role-playing game again but some of the other guys say they've seen a character bearing his name on Everquest wandering the edges of the game world grumbling to anyone who might listen about strange conspiracies involving ninjas and the Osmonds.

I left an enraged El Disgusto at the bus stop with Deviant Boy and Weasly Crusher. Johnny Tangent and I headed to the Booby Hatch, a local strip club, after all the night was still young.

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